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My friend was making me have sex with him but my bf doesn’t believe me


TinaP777
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So I could really use some advice right now. I’m very depressed and don’t know what to do.  I have been with my bf for 3 years and I love him very much.  He is the best bf I’ve ever had and will do anything for me, I even felt he was my soulmate and we would eventually get married.  But now he thinks I cheated and I’m not sure what to do.

What happened is that my best guy friend started making me have sex with him like 2 months ago.  I didn’t want to and I told him ‘no’ and he knows I have a bf, but he said he couldn’t help himself and that I had to let him have sex with me because I was teasing him. 

Because I have been in this situation before I didn’t think to tell anyone, especially not my bf.  But last week I finally stood up to him and told him I was going to tell on him if he didn’t stop.  So he did.  The next day my friend asked me to forgive him and because I felt sorry for him I did.  I decided the best thing to do was to just act like it never happened and put it behind me.  I continued hanging with this guy who raped me and continued to keep it secret even from my bf.

Then a few days ago my bf told me that one of my friends told him that me and this guy were dating!!!  I don’t know why she would do this other than me and this guy hang out a lot together and I admit I do flirt a lot so maybe she got the wrong impression.  When my bf asked me about it I told him nothing happened and that this guy was a pretender who always wanted to have me as a gf but I rejected him (which in a way is true).  So my bf went and asked my friend why he would lie that he’s dating me when he isn’t.  My friend told him that we were sleeping together and that he could prove it.

Now my bf thinks I cheated on him and I don’t know what to do.  Please help!

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Report the person who raped you and ditch the boyfriend. 
You said you have been in the position of being raped before? You are going to need psychological help . This person is no friend . Your other friend is also no friend and for a bf who would do anything he hasn’t. Ditch all these people and find a counsellor. 

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2 hours ago, TinaP777 said:

What happened is that my best guy friend started making me have sex with him like 2 months ago.    he said he couldn’t help himself and that I had to let him have sex with me because I was teasing him. 

I'm a little confused with the above.  What exactly do you mean by "started making me have sex with him 2 months ago"?  Does this mean that for the past two months you are having sex with him whenever you see him because he says you should "let him have sex with you"?  Can you clarify please?  

No-one can "start making you have sex with them and let them have sex with you", unless it is outright forced rape .... in which case, I can't imagine why you would carry on doing this for 2 months.

Like I say, it's a bit confusing.  Please help us understand by clarifying exactly what you mean.

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7 hours ago, TinaP777 said:

 one of my friends told him that me and this guy were dating!!!  I don’t know why she would do this other than me and this guy hang out a lot together and I admit I do flirt a lot so maybe she got the wrong impression.  

How old is he? How old is your BF?

Well you "hang out a lot", "flirt a lot" and "have sex with him" so the friend who ratted you out to your BF seems to have the right impression.

It's a crime to falsely accuse anyone of a crime so watch your step.

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6 hours ago, HeartGoesOn said:

My question is, why would you choose to continue to be around him if he forced you to have sex?   Why didn't you report this?

Hmmm...This doesn't add up.

Well he has been a good friend of mine for a long time and has stuck up for me many times.  But I do not consider him a friend anymore after what he told my bf.

I didn't report him because I THOUGHT he was a good friend and a good person, like I said he was there for me many times.  So I "forgave" him for what he was doing.  He said he was sorry but he couldn't help himself and I believed him.  

6 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Report the person who raped you and ditch the boyfriend. 
You said you have been in the position of being raped before? You are going to need psychological help . This person is no friend . Your other friend is also no friend and for a bf who would do anything he hasn’t. Ditch all these people and find a counsellor. 

I don't want to ditch my bf because I love hm very much. I am thinking of telling on my friend though since now he's lying about us.  I have not yet told my parents and am not sure who to go to right now.  My own bf doesn't believe me so I have no one for support.

5 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I'm a little confused with the above.  What exactly do you mean by "started making me have sex with him 2 months ago"?  Does this mean that for the past two months you are having sex with him whenever you see him because he says you should "let him have sex with you"?  Can you clarify please?  

No-one can "start making you have sex with them and let them have sex with you", unless it is outright forced rape .... in which case, I can't imagine why you would carry on doing this for 2 months.

Like I say, it's a bit confusing.  Please help us understand by clarifying exactly what you mean.

Yes for 2 months he was making me have sex with him.  I told him no but he insisted. He said he was really horny and he couldn't help himself. I would tell him no but he would not let up.  He convinced me it was all my fault because of what I was wearing or because I was flirting with him and I believed him so I didn't feel comfortable telling on him.  And I didn't want to tell my bf because I was afraid he would break up with me.

I now see that I was confused and that my friend was manipulating me and so I want to tell on him but right now I'm just concerned about my bf not believing me.  He has been through a lot lately and now he is so upset because he thinks I cheated.  Do you think I should tell my parents?  I really don't feel comfortable telling anyone I know about this, that is why I came here.

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? How old is your BF?

Well you "hang out a lot", "flirt a lot" and "have sex with him" so the friend who ratted you out to your BF seems to have the right impression.

It's a crime to falsely accuse anyone of a crime so watch your step.

My bf is 21, I am 19.  My friend is 20.

I would never falsely accuse anyone.  Yes, I hung out a lot with my friend and I admit I do flirt a lot, but he was never my bf.  I did not think of him that way.  But he was a good friend until he started taking advantage of me.  He also said he was sorry for what he was doing but he couldn't help himself and I believed him.  So I "forgave" him for what he was doing and decided it was best to just act like nothing was happening.  I now realize this was wrong but now the damage is done.

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7 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Ditch all these people and find a counsellor. 

Op you're so young and confused. I agree. Ditch everyone and find a counselor. You lack boundaries and they have been violated semi-willingly.

Your boyfriend is right to be upset. You cheated. Yes, it's considered cheating. You could have avoided seeing the friend, but you kept doing it. Somewhere deep inside you aren't that committed to your bf.

And that "friend" is a manipulative pos. Block him everywhere asap.

Again, ditch everyone and seek therapy to help you understand why you did what you did. People like you will tend to gravitate to worse situations of full on actual rape if you don't get boundaries straight. Apologies to your bf and leave him alone. Love is not enough to keep a relationship going.

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The time to end the friendship was when he forced you to have sex with him the first time. Instead you continued to hang out with him and put yourself in situations where he could once again pressure you into having sex and not just once but systematically over a two month period. It is pretty messed up. And unfortunately it does massively undermine your credibility as a victim. 

Definitely you cheated on your boyfriend and not just once but multiple times. OK you were manipulated into having sex with the "friend". But how can your boyfriend possibly trust you? There are always going to men out there trying to pressure or manipulate you into having sex and until you learn to deal with such situations you are not ready to be anyone's girlfriend.

 

 

 

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2 hours ago, TinaP777 said:

My bf is 21, I am 19.  My friend is 20.

I would never falsely accuse anyone.  Yes, I hung out a lot with my friend and I admit I do flirt a lot, but he was never my bf.

Hooking up with a friend you hang out with and flirt with and calling it a crime to cover up your actions when your BF found out is totally messed up. Get your head on straight. Don't try to through someone in jail you willingly hooked up with in order to cover your tracks.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Your boyfriend doesn't believe you because it looks (to him) as though you consented to all of this and kept it up for 2 months. 

Understand that if you report this, criminal charges will likely be forthcoming. The same is probably true if you tell your parents - they will encourage you to go to the police and report this person for raping you. Once it gets to that stage, the courts will be involved because what he did is a crime. You will be required to submit evidence, and he will be called upon to defend himself before a judge. It will be totally out of your hands from that point, and the courts will take over. 

If that is not exactly what happened here and you were pressured but not forced, you need to come clean to your boyfriend.

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Well, first he pressured me, but then when I say 'no' he will just keep going and not stop.  It would start with him putting his hands up my shirt and down my shorts when we were tickle fighting.  I would be like 'hey!' and then he would say he can't help it cuz I'm so hot.  Then he would kiss me and I'd tell him to cut it out but he wouldn't.  He would make it out like I 'owed' him sex because I got him so turned on.  I would keep trying to get him to tone it down but he would eventually take off my clothes and start raping me.  I never fought him because he's bigger than me and so I didn't know what to do.  The next day he would always apologize and because I don't have that many friends I would forgive him and still hang out with him. 

But now that he is lying about us I realize what a pos he really is and I'm not talking to him anymore.  And now I feel like he is going to get away with causing me and my bf to break up.  Although me and my bf are still trying to work it out.  I think he is starting to realize I'm telling the truth and he wants me to report this guy.  At first I didn't want to, but now I realize that not telling on him and defending him to my bf makes it look like l wanted it, when I absolutely did not.

Right now I'm not sure if I should tell my parents or just call some number.

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11 minutes ago, TinaP777 said:

It would start with him putting his hands up my shirt and down my shorts when we were tickle fighting.

That in itself is cheating. Why didn't you get up and leave when he got too frisky? If your BF breaks up it's because you were physical with your friend.

Sure tell your parents, call a number but it will be hard to prove that it wasn't consensual since you stuck around for the "hot" compliments enjoying the attention, rather that getting yourself out of the situation.

Grow up. Stop messing around and trying to send men to jail for your "tickle fights" when you deliberately found time to be one-on-one with him. And kept going back for more.

 How come it's now assault only after your BF found out? Before that it was flirting, hanging out, tickle fights and hooking up.

At best you were naïve  and should have stop seeing him before your BF found out.

 

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7 minutes ago, TinaP777 said:

I would keep trying to get him to tone it down but he would eventually take off my clothes and start raping me.

This is rape, but why did you keep seeing him? How many times did he do this? What a scumbag! (sorry, I had to)

You need to get counseling to recover from this. You don't seem to have a good sense of your boundaries.  That's what I'm getting from all of this, and at your age, it could turn to trauma later.

And, it's up to you to choose whether or not to confide to your parents. Maybe calling the police is a first step so they tell you the process. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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5 minutes ago, TinaP777 said:

It would start with him putting his hands up my shirt and down my shorts when we were tickle fighting.

You always have the right to say no, OP. However, you should not be engaging in "tickle fights" with anyone other than your boyfriend to begin with. This is inappropriate contact, so please enforce better boundaries in the future. 

7 minutes ago, TinaP777 said:

Right now I'm not sure if I should tell my parents or just call some number

What number do you mean? The only number that could really help you here would be the police. 

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First time OK you were alone with him, let your guard down, the situation got out of control and you froze and let it happen. And because he was your friend you felt conflicted and perhaps blamed yourself and decided to forgive him.

But why on earth would you ever allow yourself to be alone with this guy after what happened? Even if you were confused and forgave him and wanted to continue hanging out with him you should have avoided being alone with him. I find it hard to believe that for two months he dragged you to his place and forced himself on you. Of course it doesn't make what he did right and you retain the right to say "No" right up to and during the act of penetration but it shows incredibly bad judgement to put yourself in the exact same situation repeatedly for two months. 

 

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2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

First time OK you were alone with him, let your guard down, the situation got out of control and you froze and let it happen. And because he was your friend you felt conflicted and perhaps blamed yourself and decided to forgive him.

But why on earth would you ever allow yourself to be alone with this guy after what happened? Even if you were confused and forgave him and wanted to continue hanging out with him you should have avoided being alone with him. I find it hard to believe that for two months he dragged you to his place and forced himself on you. Of course it doesn't make what he did right and you retain the right to say "No" right up to and during the act of penetration but it shows incredibly bad judgement to put yourself in the exact same situation repeatedly for two months. 

 

Yes, now I understand that.  But at the time I trusted him because he had stuck up for me in the past when other guy friends of mine tried to get fresh with me.  He had also helped me out a lot in the past.  I now realize he only stuck up for me because he wanted to do the same thing himself.  But at the time I thought he truly cared about me and his raping me was just the result of his lack of self-control. I felt he was trying to stop but that he was simply unable to help himself.  So I figured it would eventually stop but it didn't and now I realize I was wrong not to tell my bf, which would have ended it then and there.  It WAS bad judgement on my part.  I honestly felt my friend was a true one and not like other guys who only want you for sex.  But now I realize he is no better than any one else.

 

2 hours ago, Seraphim said:

OP, were you sexually assaulted as a child ? Because if so this behaviour of having very poor boundaries and letting people exploit you is common in those who experienced early abuse . 

I am not sure I would say 'assaulted', but I did have an older stepbrother who would constantly try to get me to have sex with him whenever our parents weren't home.  He was 18 and I was 14, and it went on till he moved out like 2 years ago.  He never actually tried to rape me but he would constantly try to get me to be his 'girlfriend' and he would get feely with me.  He also would take video of me on his phone when I was in my underwear or in a bikini.

I never told our parents about it because I was afraid of what my dad might do to him.

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I would first get checked for STDs because if you're also having sex with your boyfriend you've exposed him potentially to STDs.  Also do you want a baby? Because this sounds like unprotected sex or not protected enough under the circumstances and you can get pregnant.  Please be checked for that as well.  As far as whether it's rape I honestly do not know but yes report it if you believe you were raped.

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OP, you are getting awful advice here.  This is not your fault.  This guy is a predator and it doesn't matter if you flirt with him or not, no means no.  He belongs in jail, but your bf is a piece of work as well.  He says he loves you but he does not believe you?  I can understand him questioning you because you kept hanging with him, but ultimately if he really loved you he would give you the benefit of the doubt and believe you.

And do not let anyone judge you for hanging out with him while he's doing this.  It is not uncommon for rape victims to remain "friends" with their rapists and not report it because of all the stigma involved and because guys can be very manipulative in getting you to believe they are sorry.  But really they are just 'sorry' that they might get in trouble for it and so they lie about it.

I think you need to dump your bf and report this creep immediately.  You are better off without either of them. Talk to your parents.  They will know how to proceed.  And don't listen to the posters here who are trying to act like you're to blame here.  You are only guilty of being weak and exercising poor judgement.  You did not deserve to be raped.  

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There is nothing to report.  Tell your parents, obviously, so they can help you arrange for counseling to help you with boundaries, etc.  Your "friend" is a piece of crap, to be clear, but you ceased being a victim and became a volunteer when you repeatedly, actively and willingly put yourself in this situation.  You were there because you wanted to be there.  Counseling/therapy may help you figure this out.  If you are in college, maybe someone affiliated with the school could also point you in the right direction.  Don't delay, make this a priority.

Good luck!

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1 hour ago, TinaP777 said:

Yes, now I understand that.  But at the time I trusted him because he had stuck up for me in the past when other guy friends of mine tried to get fresh with me.  He had also helped me out a lot in the past.  I now realize he only stuck up for me because he wanted to do the same thing himself.  But at the time I thought he truly cared about me and his raping me was just the result of his lack of self-control. I felt he was trying to stop but that he was simply unable to help himself.  So I figured it would eventually stop but it didn't and now I realize I was wrong not to tell my bf, which would have ended it then and there.  It WAS bad judgement on my part.  I honestly felt my friend was a true one and not like other guys who only want you for sex.  But now I realize he is no better than any one else.

 

I am not sure I would say 'assaulted', but I did have an older stepbrother who would constantly try to get me to have sex with him whenever our parents weren't home.  He was 18 and I was 14, and it went on till he moved out like 2 years ago.  He never actually tried to rape me but he would constantly try to get me to be his 'girlfriend' and he would get feely with me.  He also would take video of me on his phone when I was in my underwear or in a bikini.

I never told our parents about it because I was afraid of what my dad might do to him.

Okay, then, yes you were sexually abused and you will need help. Please try and get some counselling. Your boundaries were exploited when young and you need help to re establish them. Ditch all these people and please tell your parents EVERYTHING. Even your past. As a sexual abuse and sexual assault survivor I understand it is difficult.   

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I dunno this still sounds a bit strange to me. If you genuinely thought he was still your friend but could not help himself or control himself then surely it was common sense simply to avoid being alone with him and only hang out in public places? Like I said he wasn't exactly dragging you back to his flat like  caveman. He must have invited you to his place repeatedly and every time you said yes. 

 

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