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Am I in love with my male friend and if yes, how do I fall out of love with him and fall in love with a girl?


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I might be falling in love with my friend, but I don't want to. I don't know how he feels but it's very unlikely that he would like me back. I don't want to ruin the friendship but I don't know what to do. Also, I have at least 2 girls confirmedly crushing on me, why can't I just like them?? To clarify I'm a boy. 

Long version:

So half a year ago I met my friend in question, let's call him T. We got on well, didn't spend all that much time together initially (because we're both still in school and busy) but we've always met up for a mutual hobby with other people and the two of us have always been left in the end when everyone else had left, making each other laugh with random *** we got up to. We've showed each other music, played silly games, gotten drunk together etc. We share a lot of interests, basically the same music taste, and he's like me in many ways but also like an ideal version of me.

I've been attracted to guys before but I mainly tried not to pursue it because I also like girls and I'd prefer to be straight. 

But since I was spending so much time with T, I started thinking about him a lot even when I wasn't around him and I found myself attracted to how he smells, started getting overly excited to hang out with him, staring at him a little too much and craving to be physically closer to him and touch him occasionally etc etc. Like the whole deal of being attracted to someone although he isn't even really my type (if I had a type). He even became part of some of my sexual fantasies which I felt quite bad about after.

I admire and envy him in a way that i kinda wish I were him but not in a bad way, as I said, he shares some of my interests and is better at them than me, also more good looking than me and sometimes it's painful to compare myself to him. But I also like him a lot, it's impossible not to like him - he's a very energetic and creative guy, interesting to get to know, and he's been unapologetically himself at least around me from the get go which in return made me feel more at ease and I never feared his judgement. 

Recently we got properly black out drunk together and ended up telling each other rather personal things about ourselves - unfortunately I forgot all of it, except for a few scandalous random things that were more about me than him. I think the topic of sexuality came up and I can't remember what I told him, but I think it was something about being not straight, and I believe he has said something along the lines about himself too. I have never asked him what his sexuality is (in a sober state) and I'm not quite sure from his behaviour. He doesn't seem like your runner the mill straight guy, but he isn't stereotypically gay either. He might be just modern or more expressive. He often jokes about "being gay" but always says "just kidding" whenever he mentions it. I do the same about myself though so I'm not sure if he is kidding or not, or if he even knows himself. There's a meta-ironic component to most of what everyone says in my friend group and sometimes it's hard to tell if someone is serious or not, even for themselves. 

I also don't remember if we did anything sexual (together) that night. I kind of remember some vague fragments but I don't know if I dreamed that, if it was my imagination or if it actually happened and I don't think I will ever find out. I guess he knows but it would be quite awkward to talk about it. We haven't really talked much about that night in general so all I have are some weird out-of-context memories. 

So afterwards our relationship was kind of awkward for some time but after a short while it went back to the close-ish friendship we had had before. 

Now. I frequently dream about him. I sort of miss him a lot when I go without him for a longer time like a couple of weeks. I often randomly think about him while doing something completely unrelated, also random things remind me of him. I daydream about being with him in more than a friendship way. I always say I love all my friends, but it feels different with him. He has been my inspiration for several creative things I've produced, and he sort of came to my mind when I tried to figure out why I didn't like a girl who I knew liked me (and probably still does). Thinking about him and especially spending time with him boosts my otherwise barely existent will to live like nothing else. 

I just want to know if I'm really falling in love or if this is just a really intense my friendship so high, probably he doesn't because he has better friends and we don't spend that much time together. He probably thinks I'm just a fun guy who's a bit hard to understand and I'm not even his best friend I guess. 

Additionally, I don't think he could like me romantically. I'm not above-average attractive, sort of boring and often sad and irritable, have some unpleasant things to deal with in my life and I'm a guy too, and he's probably straight. And I'm probably straight, too. If this whole love-thing is happening, I don't like it and I want to stop liking him that way so that we can just be normal friends and find girlfriends and just be normal guys with girlfriends etc. 

I have nothing against gay people but I'm definitely attracted to women too so why would I choose being gay if there's a straight way for me that spares me conflict with my parents and gives me an easier life. I have liked a girl from my class for a while but T was sort of still there, pushed to the back of my mind, when I flirted with her and recently I've stopped liking her romantically because she just didn't hold up to him haha. 

I'm not much of a text message enjoyer so I basically just text people when I need to know the details for an appointment or when there's an emergency. Now all my friends are gone on holiday because it's spring break, so for the next week I can't do anything anyway. But the issue is still on my mind. 

What should I do when I go back to school? Should I just wait it out, I mean eventually my attraction to T will subside, hopefully? Or is there a faster way to resolve this? Any advice would be much appreciated.  

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6 minutes ago, randomstupidkid said:

I have nothing against gay people but I'm definitely attracted to women too so why would I choose being gay if there's a straight way for me that spares me conflict with my parents and gives me an easier life

You have to live an authentic life as to your inherent needs and wants. It's not your job to make other people comfortable about who you choose as a romantic partner. You don't get to choose other people's partners, so why would you think they have a say-so in who you choose?

In my life experience, the majority of parents of gay children I've known accept this and still love their children, even if at first it might be surprising and shocking to some. Some will say, "Yes, we already knew. We've been waiting for you to confide in us."

It's also unfair to any woman you pursue if you are actually not bisexual and convincing yourself to be into women. Don't use people like that. I know women where that has happened and it's devastating.

If you don't think your guy friend shares your feelings, date outside your friendship circle. If you're very mixed up at the moment, maybe you should avoid romance  while you figure yourself out. Take care.

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Are you in high school and how long  until you graduate? After you leave and move on or graduate you’ll be spending less and less time around him. You have a crush on him.

You may not want to complicate your friendship with this and that’s fine too. Some crushes fade quickly and others stick around for whatever reason. If you feel uncomfortable hang out with other friends and spend less time around him. Let it fade out naturally. You may be fighting it too much and thinking you have to do something when there’s not much to do at all. 

What were the unpleasant things you need to deal with? 

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37 minutes ago, randomstupidkid said:

I've been attracted to guys before but I mainly tried not to pursue it because I also like girls and I'd prefer to be straight. 

How old are you? Have you had sexual relationships with men or women?

Talk to a counselor at school about accepting your sexuality. 

Is it taboo in your religion/culture/country/family to be gay or bisexual?

It's important whether men or women that you are upfront about your sexuality and intentions. There's no point crushing on straight men or dating women as a sham to cover up your sexuality.

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13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Are you in high school and how long  until you graduate?

Yes I'm still in high school and it's 2 years until I graduate. That's not exactly soon. He's in the year below me so I will graduate before him and move away. I'm going to miss him. 

I don't feel uncomfortable around him, it's more when I stop to think about it AFTER spending time with him, that's when it becomes a problem. 

18 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

What were the unpleasant things you need to deal with? 

Oh you know just family and personal stuff. Enough to make me a bit of a killjoy sometimes because thinking about it brings me down. Also it's a reason why I'm extremely secretive about basically anything (to my friends) and I don't talk openly about it because what use would it be?

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12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old are you? Have you had sexual relationships with men or women?

I'm only 17 and I've never had a proper sexual relationship. I've dated a girl once (a while ago) but I wasn't really serious about it while she was, which made her break up with me. Other than kissing girls at parties, I haven't had any sexual experience that I know of, but I can't say for sure because I regularly get quite drunk so I don't remember everything I say and do. 

So I can't even be sure about my sexuality if I haven't had sex, can I? I guess I'll have to try both first and then see which of them I enjoyed.

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Talk to a counselor at school about accepting your sexuality. 

 I might see if there's a possibility to do so. 

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is it taboo in your religion/culture/country/family to be gay or bisexual?

It's not really taboo in my country, I know at least 3 or 4 people at my school who are confirmedly gay and they aren't discriminated against or anything. Everyone is kind of joking about it in a non harmful way and at least my generation doesn't have a big issue with it i guess. This doesn't apply to my family. My dad and I have discussed pretty much everything, from politics to societal questions, and I know he would have a huge problem with me being not straight. He has even told me, along the lines "what's happening to society nowadays, everyone is turning gay, no real men around anymore, I'm glad you're not like that. I'd be very disappointed if my child was gay like one of those people" I sort of don't really agree but from another perspective, I see his point. 

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15 minutes ago, randomstupidkid said:

My dad and I have discussed pretty much everything, from politics to societal questions, and I know he would have a huge problem with me being not straight. He has even told me, along the lines "what's happening to society nowadays, everyone is turning gay, no real men around anymore, I'm glad you're not like that. I'd be very disappointed if my child was gay like one of those people"

You're going to have to come to terms with your sexuality one way or the other. Don't come out to your parents until you are out of college, employed, independent and have your own place. In the meantime, stay sober and don't use dating girls as a coverup.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Eventually you’ll move out and be your own person. You may shed family ties that are toxic and not accepting.

You’re still young so stay focused on your education and independence. You’ll provide for yourself one day and no one can tell you what your sexuality means or should be. It’s your private and personal life. 

For the meantime, it’s smart to keep your own counsel. I’m nearly certain all these friendships in high school will mean a whole lot less as time goes on. Some may last but many won’t. You’ll meet new people too.

If you’re distracted stay busy. It’s easy to get caught up being idle. Do you work? Find a few part time jobs and stay focused on school. Volunteer and start thinking about requirements for university. Do well whatever you choose to do.

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You don't have to have intercourse or sexual experiences to know what your sexual orientation is just like you can feel strong chemistry with someone and desire without acting on it.  Please tell someone about your drinking problem -you should not be getting this drunk this often - I mean yes if by accident you got very drunk once and not again that wouldn't be a problem but you seem to be turning to alcohol to self medicate and that is not safe.  

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56 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You don't have to have intercourse or sexual experiences to know what your sexual orientation is just like you can feel strong chemistry with someone and desire without acting on it.  Please tell someone about your drinking problem -you should not be getting this drunk this often - I mean yes if by accident you got very drunk once and not again that wouldn't be a problem but you seem to be turning to alcohol to self medicate and that is not safe.  

Especially since the OP is only 16 or 17 years old. It's possible to become a lifelong alcoholic even at that young age.

Don't let that happen, OP.

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I'm not an alcoholic, it's not that bad. I'm not drinking every day, and mostly only with others. The legal drinking age where I live is 16 too, so it's not illegal. I never thought it was something to worry about, honestly, that's not at all what the post was about but thanks, I'll make sure it doesn't get out of hand. 

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5 hours ago, randomstupidkid said:

I'm not an alcoholic, it's not that bad. I'm not drinking every day, and mostly only with others. The legal drinking age where I live is 16 too, so it's not illegal. I never thought it was something to worry about, honestly, that's not at all what the post was about but thanks, I'll make sure it doesn't get out of hand. 

If you're getting drunk this often it's already a problem.  How are you going to make sure on your own it does not get out of hand? It is the point of the post because if you're already confused and conflicted it's going to be much worse if you choose to drink to excess and get drunk.

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6 hours ago, randomstupidkid said:

I'm not an alcoholic, it's not that bad. I'm not drinking every day, and mostly only with others. The legal drinking age where I live is 16 too, so it's not illegal. I never thought it was something to worry about, honestly, that's not at all what the post was about but thanks, I'll make sure it doesn't get out of hand. 

It's a problem if you're getting so drunk you can't even remember if you engaged in sexual activity with someone. And you can't remember entire conversations. It IS relevant because you said you can't remember what you and this guy talked about or did.

I would say it's already out of hand.

I mean, if this guy says he likes you, wouldn't you want to remember?

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11 hours ago, randomstupidkid said:

I flirted with her and recently I've stopped liking her romantically because she just didn't hold up to him haha. 

In what way didn't she hold up to him?

11 hours ago, randomstupidkid said:

Thinking about him and especially spending time with him boosts my otherwise barely existent will to live like nothing else. 

Have you heard of limerence? It's good to be aware, especially when feelings are so strong.

Also, do you have any hobbies? Anything that excites you in life that does not involve T?

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If you're getting drunk this often it's already a problem.  How are you going to make sure on your own it does not get out of hand? It is the point of the post because if you're already confused and conflicted it's going to be much worse if you choose to drink to excess and get drunk.

I agree with the above.  If a 16 year old is already drinking to the point of being black out drunk, it does become a problem (imo).

OP, you're still very young and many teens go through some form of confusion. For now, simply be friends without pushing for romance with this guy.  He's 16. You don't know if he's either straight or gay.  IF he's interested in you in that way, he'll surely let you know.

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5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

It's a problem if you're getting so drunk you can't even remember if you engaged in sexual activity with someone.

I may have exaggerated this one a little. I mean, it's unlikely that no one would have told me after when i told them "can't remember much of last night, sum it up for me", it's an important detail not to be left out and usually when it's told to me I do start to remember more. Only in a few situations I'm unsure. 

I'm pretty much at a point now where I know, for example, "if I drink one more, I'm going to throw up later, or lose control over what I'm saying, etc. And if I don't, I'm going to feel sober in a few hours. (compared to now)" So I have a form of control, and I can decide in the moment if it's worth it for me. I often do decide to drink more or forget to think about it but it's still a choice IF I think about it and it's important to me, I can stop. 

5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I mean, if this guy says he likes you, wouldn't you want to remember?

I regret drinking so much that night. I mean, in the moment it felt good but the memory loss is always ***ty and frustrating. 

If it's really something to be concerned about I won't go past that pivotal "if I have one more"-point often in the future but I have to say it's not really affecting my school life etc. I'm the top student of my class while almost never needing to study so I guess there's also a bit of luck involved. But something can't be a real problem unless I get serious negative consequences from it?

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Oh, OP. My heart goes out. 

You're still so young and figuring out who you are. It appears that you are attracted to both boys and girls, which is perfectly okay (despite your dad's homophobic views) At some point, probably when you're a little older, you'll hopefully learn to accept who you are rather than try to force yourself to be who your family or society wants you to be. 

So yes, I would say you do indeed have romantic feelings for your friend. He may have them for you too, but it's hard to say without any clearer indication from him. Regardless, you can't make yourself "prefer" anyone - boy or girl. You like who you like. I hope, for your sake, that you someday arrive at a point where you can accept that about yourself. 

 

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Ok you're in your teens and go too drunk a couple of times. Par for the course. The real issue is your sexuality and your parents conservative stance.

You know you have sexual feelings for boys but you're terrified to come out of the closet. And while living at home, you probably shouldn't.

Cut back on the partying. Continue getting excellent grades. Talk to your teachers and councelors about scholarships.  Go away to college. That's your ticket to finding yourself. 

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8 hours ago, randomstupidkid said:

But something can't be a real problem unless I get serious negative consequences from it?

Why would you want to let it get to that point?

I understand, you're young and young people never think anything bad will happen to them and they'll live forever.  Sadly it doesn't always turn out that way.

My grandfather didn't miss a single day of work in 30 years.  And yet, he died alone in a hospital because he'd drunk himself to death.  Irreversible liver damage from a lifetime of drinking.

Yes, this is a PSA.  Please take care of yourself.

As for your feelings, you probably do have a pretty good idea if you're attracted to both males and females.  My son knew at your age.  I'm sorry your father isn't more accepting of gays but it's still early days and he may or may not change his point of view.

I would say, continue to do well in school, socialize with your friends and see how things go.  You're likely not to meet your lifetime partner at age 16 or 17, so there isn't any need to worry about getting seriously involved.  

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23 hours ago, greendots said:

In what way didn't she hold up to him?

It wasn't her fault, it was more like my feelings for her didn't hold up. She isn't as fun and doesn't have the exact same humour as me. When I start behaving like a crazy 10 year old, she's not the type to join in every *** I do but more like the responsible friend who cares about her impression on bystanders etc. We haven't spent as much time outside of class and the feeling of "having something to look forward to today" when I was going to see her subsided quickly after a few weeks. 

Also I probably only made myself crush on her to distract myself from my "previous" crush on T. 

23 hours ago, greendots said:

Have you heard of limerence? It's good to be aware, especially when feelings are so strong.

Never heard of it but I did a quick online research (read through a couple pages) and it seems that's not exactly what I suffer from. 

It's a form of intense affection that isn't love because there are different chemicals involved. Also, in most relationships it's like the early stage. 

Symptoms include nervousness around the object of attraction, well, I'm not nervous when I'm with him, sometimes before though. 

"Someone who suffers from limerence is only concerned to seduce the Limerent Object, and acquire their heart and emotional commitment."

"In a nutshell, a Limerent wants to obtain love, a Lover wants to give it away."

I don't want to seduce him, and I don't need him to give love to me, sometimes I feel the urge to "give love to him" as in making his day better, buying stuff for him, physical touch, idk (which I don't act on of course) but I don't expect him to love me. I believe he wouldn't love me anyway. 

Also "limerents" (people who experience this) think their partner or love interest is perfect and flawless, that doesn't apply to me either. I know T has flaws, I know which, but I also kinda like them idk. They're part of him, he wouldn't be him without them, and I like him "with all his flaws" Jesus I think that's the cheesiest sentence I've ever typed. 

It doesn't necessarily invade my ability to concentrate because I inherently have no ability to concentrate... so yeah that's that. But one thing that does apply are unwanted fantasies and not being able to stop thinking about him sometimes, including scenarios and randomly remembering situations. 

Also "I am more energetic and optimistic since I met them", "When they are happy and friendly towards me, I feel exhilarated and “high”" and "I am not romantically interested in anyone else since I met them" (although this last one only halfway applies). (symptoms found on livingwithlimerence.com)

It may be a mild form of limerence but I thought that's just called a crush? I'm starting to realise I most definitely do have a crush on him, ***. 

23 hours ago, greendots said:

Also, do you have any hobbies? Anything that excites you in life that does not involve T?

 Hm, most of my hobbies do involve him in some way (as in, he does the same thing and we sometimes do it together) but I can also pursue them without him. I kind of put more effort into everything in order to be an interesting person with cool talents and passions directly after spending time with him and seeing how passionate he is about his interests. This effect lasts for a couple of days. But thinking about him doesn't distract me from hobbies, if anything it makes me "go learn to play that lick that he came up with earlier because it was cool" for example (because thinking about him leads to thinking about things he did, which leads to thinking about things I want to do too, which leads to doing things). 

Now as for things that exite me and don't involve him at all, there's still a few. I have a bunch of thousands of things I'm interested in but I sort of find it difficult doing anything at all except for consuming media because "it all takes so long" so I've never been consistent in practising skills, or whatever hobbies I had. 

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13 hours ago, randomstupidkid said:

Also I probably only made myself crush on her to distract myself from my "previous" crush on T. 

I read your entire post and truly appreciate your lengthy answers to all the questions I asked you. You've got some incredible insight on yourself and your situation. 🙂

Out of curiosity, how can you make yourself crush on someone you don't really like that way? I've never been able to.

Anyhow, the reason I mentioned limerence earlier is only so you are aware that this desire for T stays on the crush level. Because the way you describe your appreciation for T is quite intense. You initially said that "Thinking about him and especially spending time with him boosts my otherwise barely existent will to live like nothing else." Afterwards you gave me some in-depth answers that support what you said earlier.

Happy Easter. 😁

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  • 2 weeks later...
On 4/17/2022 at 8:48 AM, greendots said:

Out of curiosity, how can you make yourself crush on someone you don't really like that way? I've never been able to.

Sorry it took me so long, I forgot to reply. Well I think I did like her and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference if you just really like someone in a friendship way or more, and if it hadn't been for T, I would probably have liked her even in "that way". It's complicated. Also, she encouraged it, and kinda joked about us in a flirty way etc, (she still does, I guess that's just her personality lol) so I played along until I was convinced I had a crush on her. Until I didn't. 

So I guess it only works if you like someone and get along well. 

On 4/17/2022 at 8:48 AM, greendots said:

Anyhow, the reason I mentioned limerence earlier is only so you are aware that this desire for T stays on the crush level. Because the way you describe your appreciation for T is quite intense. You initially said that "Thinking about him and especially spending time with him boosts my otherwise barely existent will to live like nothing else." Afterwards you gave me some in-depth answers that support what you said earlier.

Oh yeah the will to live. Let's say generally I'm kind of not enjoying life at all, except for a few good things that happen, and when he came along, these few good things started happening more and gave me more short periods of "happiness" before I went back to being bored and sad. I'm not saying being with him fully cured me from my stupid self hatred etc. and I'm also not saying the quality of my days depends on him only.  There are days that I'm having so much fun etc. but then I come home and it's as if I've finished watching a film and as soon as there's no one there to distract me, I'm back to my usual mood. T is just usually part of the best days and I get so excited when I just see him lol, so that even when I think about it afterwards, I can think "ok everything sucks but I also had a great day and I want to have more days like this one" even though I feel sort of terrible at that moment, do you know what I mean?  

I mean I'd live if he wasn't there. 

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8 hours ago, randomstupidkid said:

Sorry it took me so long, I forgot to reply. Well I think I did like her and sometimes it's hard to tell the difference if you just really like someone in a friendship way or more, and if it hadn't been for T, I would probably have liked her even in "that way". It's complicated. Also, she encouraged it, and kinda joked about us in a flirty way etc, (she still does, I guess that's just her personality lol) so I played along until I was convinced I had a crush on her. Until I didn't. 

So I guess it only works if you like someone and get along well. 

Let me see, if I got it right. So you thought you liked her romantically, turns out you didn't and you guys are friends? Anyway, it's complicated how?

8 hours ago, randomstupidkid said:

Oh yeah the will to live. Let's say generally I'm kind of not enjoying life at all, except for a few good things that happen, and when he came along, these few good things started happening more and gave me more short periods of "happiness" before I went back to being bored and sad. I'm not saying being with him fully cured me from my stupid self hatred etc. and I'm also not saying the quality of my days depends on him only.  There are days that I'm having so much fun etc. but then I come home and it's as if I've finished watching a film and as soon as there's no one there to distract me, I'm back to my usual mood. T is just usually part of the best days and I get so excited when I just see him lol, so that even when I think about it afterwards, I can think "ok everything sucks but I also had a great day and I want to have more days like this one" even though I feel sort of terrible at that moment, do you know what I mean?  

I mean I'd live if he wasn't there. 

Kind of, I think. I have felt like "I want to to have more days like this one" often. But I guess being bored makes my brain switch to overdrive mode (overthink) so best I do something that requires my brain to focus on. Sorry, I should be helping you somehow and not make it about me. Hey, you mentioned that you aren't enjoying life. How so?

Good to know that you'd live. 🙂

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