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I shared a bed with my married colleague


AoifeB
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I have a colleague who is more senior that I’ve had quite a flirty relationship with for a few months. We often gravitate towards each other but I felt it was just him being friendly as I’m relatively new.

last night after an exhibition I ended up going to his hotel for dinner with him but I then missed my last train home. The hotel had no more rooms left so he insisted he would sleep on the floor and I the bed. We chatted a lot while this was the case but he then ended up in the bed together. 
 

it got touchy so he brought up that it was crossing a line as both work and the fact he is married with kids and I’m in a long term relationship. We discussed we had both thought about it but he said he didn’t think it would ever happen as I was ‘young and hot’ and because of our relationships. We ended up kissing and a lot of touching but I stopped it going further and explained aside from morally, I also didn’t want to ruin our working relationship. I asked if he would feel guilty after and he didn’t know but said he just knew it would be really good. 
 

I insisted we shouldn’t despite attempts and then in the morning I ended up doing foreplay. We then didn’t really talk about it until he left and said it wouldn’t be weird at work etc. he then hugged me and said to let him know I had got home. 
 

he hasn’t really messaged since aside from that so I don’t know if he feels guilty or is disappointed it didn’t go further. He didn’t say it shouldn’t have happened so I don’t know if alternatively he thinks it may in the future, but i feel like I’ve been used as an ego boost that didn’t pay off. I do feel like I would like it to go further, despite how morally wrong that is but I don’t know what to do. I just can’t stop thinking about it.

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You weren't used. You consented.

If you want to have sex with other men, at least let your boyfriend know so he can decide if he wants an open relationship or if he wants to break up.

As for the married colleague, I presume you don't care if his wife and children are hurt by his affairs (yes, he most definitely has done this before with other women despite what he may have told you). That's too bad, because a lot of innocent people are going to be damaged.

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If you and I had a frank talk three months ago, or six months ago, would you have told me you were happy in your relationship or having doubts? Would you have told me you were feeling good in your own skin, or a little itchy? I ask because people who play with fire tend to want to get burned, or burn something down.

No one used anyone here. You cheated on your boyfriend and he cheated on his wife. It’s a very common thing that happens, sadly, typically when two people who are less than happy with their lives, and not very imaginative in looking for solutions, collide. Putting it like that kind of pours some cold water on it all, I know, but I think you’ll thank yourself later if you figure out what’s driving all this rather than looking for ways to keep at it or feel victimized by it all. 

Why do you think you’re so finished on this guy?  

 

 

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2 hours ago, AoifeB said:

I would like it to go further, despite how morally wrong that is but I don’t know what to do. I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Maybe it suddenly dawned on him that he has a wife and children, and rather than messing around with a side dish, he decided to stand by his marriage vows.

If his wife ever catches wind of this, he'll deny ever knowing you. Knowing this, are you still confused as to what to do?

 

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Well, you can kiss your credibility at work good bye. It's naive to think others won't notice. It's a tale as old as time and plays out in so many workplaces. There's well known players and they hone in on "fresh meat" - the newer workers. They throw out a wide net and see who bites. Meanwhile the people you work with are watching. They watch and see who conducts themself professionally and who gets suckered in. And then, they may not say it to your face, and they may not go out of their way to undermine you, but they won't be standing up for you either. It's often subtler things, like oh sorry too busy to help you. Oh didn't notice (insert something negative happening they could have helped prevent). Etc. 

Honest people don't want to work with someone that can't be trust. And you'll be seen as untrustworthy now. 

The point is, you aren't just playing with relationship casualties here, you are playing with your livelihood too. 

Is a bit of d worth all that? It's what it comes down to. 

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From what I’m reading is you seem to want an ongoing affair and more attention from him. Loss of intimacy and closeness in your relationship with your partner may be causing you to feel lonely and starved of affection. The issue is he’s married with other commitments, legally tied to someone else with dependents. You are that low on the list of priorities in his life and will always come at the bottom. 

If you felt poorly about feeling lonely and confused about this I guarantee you having an affair with a married person will disintegrate you. It’s layering loss after loss and breadcrumb after breadcrumb. Try seeing what’s wrong with your current relationship and end it if you need to. Get back on your feet and regain your worth and confidence because right now it’s way too low. Expect more from your relationships.

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7 hours ago, AoifeB said:

. I do feel like I would like it to go further,

How? He's married!

He never was available, and he won't be. If he sleeps with you, you'll be his side gf for oomph sex. That's it. That's all you'll get. So you can't go further! There's nothing more than that to get.

AND, you have a bf.

Why not reflect on your relationship and see whether or not you'd like it to proceed? Cause it seems useless to be in a relationship only to look for sex and attention elsewhere. So get straight on this one.

Listen, I also did something similar to an ex. I was with him, then I met someone abroad who treated me with affection and gave me actual attention. Someone who didn't feel like he took me for granted and who cared. That someone also happened to have a gf, but we kissed and almost started doing it until I said stop and I left because I am a relationship and I can't do something like that to someone. That experience opened my eyes to the fact I wasn't feeling loved nor valued in my relationship. My ex never bought me a gift or complimented me, and he discouraged me from pursuing my dreams abroad. The list can go on.

 So I went and broke up with him after some good thoughts. He didn't deserve this, and I deserved better. Sadly, I went back to him because he promised to "change". He did at first then things went back to normal ... Or worse. So don't do that mistake. Just break up with your bf and reflect on what you want from a relationship. Listen to your inner feelings here, instead of focusing on the distraction; the married man.

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7 hours ago, AoifeB said:

i feel like I’ve been used as an ego boost that didn’t pay off.

You weren't used. You went right along with it, knowing the risk. And what would the pay-off have been? 

7 hours ago, AoifeB said:

so I don’t know if he feels guilty

Probably, yes. He might not have regretted what happened, but he likely is realizing what exactly he is risking here - and it's too much. He has indirectly put the brakes on this. 

Now the question is, what is going with you? How are you feeling about betraying your own partner? What does this mean for your relationship, and how did you give yourself permission to cheat? 

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10 hours ago, AoifeB said:

 after an exhibition I ended up going to his hotel for dinner with him but I then missed my last train home.  ended up in the bed together. 

This was no accident. You have had your eye on him. You're new at this workplace and this won't end well for you.

 

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You knew he was married all along, right?  Unfortunately you have cheapened yourself by allowing this fling to happen.  There was the choice to say "no" to going to his hotel.  A woman with high standards for herself would refuse dinner and an invitation to his hotel room.

I'm sorry this sounds harsh but you showed yourself as "easy prey" to this marrried predator.

You didn't hear from him anymore because probably felt guilty and has no plans to repeat the situation.

I would also worry about your reputation at work.  He may have bragged to his buddies about it.  Be on the lookout for strange looks from other colleagues.

I would forget all about flirting and frolicking around with this dude.  Instead concentrate on acting in a professional manner at all times.

Your job depends on it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Someone I used to work with started sleeping with one of the married guys at work. EVERYONE knew. She ended up getting fired. He didn't. Was it fair? Probably not, but she was new to the company and he had been there for several years and was higher up in the company than she was.

You could end up losing a lot more than just the chance to have illicit sex with a married man.

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What do you need help with here?  I mean, it's a pretty tawdry tale, but you did what you wanted to do and I hope it turns out very nicely for you, your married workmate, his wife, his kids, and that your career flourishes.  Enjoy!  

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Like I said this guy is grooming you. He's a creep. He thought he had you in the bag....so he's gonna work on another strategy to get you caught up in an affair. He's done this before girl...you are just someone new/ next victim. This will not be his last attempt. I bet money on it the office gossip is just flowing right now. Everyone is talkin.

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8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

you are just someone new/ next victim. 

Nah.  Not a victim, not "used."  The OP seems to be getting an ego boost out of dallying with a married man.  No one forced her to flirt at work - much less spend her evening dining at a hotel with the dude, then "accidentally" missing the last train, and "having no choice" but to sleep in his room.  Or, "ending up doing foreplay" FFS.

She's just one of those people.  So's he, but he didn't decide to share his brag here.

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On 4/14/2022 at 3:32 PM, AoifeB said:

... then in the morning I ended up doing foreplay.... but i feel like I’ve been used as an ego boost that didn’t pay off.

Not sure what kind of foreplay you did but let me be very direct, sleeping in the same bed with a married coworker never pays off.

You are going to see everyone at the water cooler and when you show up to mingle with them, they will all disburse. You and the coworker will be looked at unfavorably by everyone at the office, and guys are the worse when they find out a girl in the office was trying to hook up with someone in the office, and not just anyone, a married person. I've seen a coworker of mine have to take antidepressants and had to finally quit because she was getting harassed and low-key bullied from sleeping with a married co-worker.

If you care about your job, your career - don't ever date/sleep with a coworker. It can get ugly. Especially if you date a coworker and it didn't end on good terms, it will get awkward when you see them or have to work with them.

 

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  • 3 weeks later...

It takes two to tango. Too often, the cheater's lover knows that the cheater is not single but go along anyway. Are they morally less culpable?

If everyone who was ever cheated on ended the relationship immediately, the cost to the cheaters would be so savage, there would be a lot less cheating going on. Not only by the affected cheater but by all would-be cheaters at large..

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