rionmccloud Posted May 30, 2005 Share Posted May 30, 2005 I think the ex is feeling the shadow of doubt creeping up on her. I know she was jealous after I told her about the great weekend I had out. I danced with girls and even got a phone number. It was exhilerating for me. It made me feel better than I have in a long time. I felt like I scored a double knowing she was a bit jealous as well. Now I think she's seeing the grass isn't always green on the other side. She doesn't know what to do at this point. We talked about all that was bothering her and I felt like we were right where I wanted. Best friends like we have been for the last nearly 8 years. I really want her back, and I'm leaving that up to her, but I feel like she's really thinking about things now. The bad thing was seeing her hurt. She tried to hide it but should know better than to think she can keep things from me. The new relationship has hit a point for her, I think, where she's really wondering if she made the right choice. She's seeing the changes in me and I think she realizes I'm making good on the promises I;ve made since we broke off. I'm getting in shape, my attitude is changing, and I'm being the best friend she desperately needs in her life. I also have let her know in the past she can come back, but it's going to take a lot of work on her part to make me feel it's worth it. I still have work to do too, I know. I still love her and she knows that, and I think she still loves me more than she lets herself believe. Again thanks to everyone on this board for the support and advice. You've all been a really big help to me. I love you all like catching the plague. Link to comment
rionmccloud Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 Well, we just talked again. I feel bad about the advice I gave simply because deep down I know I want us to be together again. The advice was sound on what to do about this, however. I feel so bad for her right now, and also bad because I'm slightly pleased to see her squirm a bit as I did for 2.5 months. Bad karma but it can't be helped. She told this guy how she feels and he said nothing in return. Sex is more than just a physical thing for her, and now she has questioned what it was all for. She's questioning his motivation for being with her. The grass is a little brown on the other side. I told her to take a day off from everybody and think about these tings. Think about how she feels, what she should say, and how she should respond depending on how he answers her. Was this the right thing to do? Should I let myself get hopes up again that we can be back together? Should I back off as well? I'm just as confused as she is right now, and hurt right along with her. What do you guys think? Link to comment
Shidoshi Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Sounds like your making good progress, but you know I have to comment on a few things. We talked about all that was bothering her and I felt like we were right where I wanted. Best friends like we have been for the last nearly 8 years. Be careful about talking to her about her problems, especially her "relationship" problems. You don't want her to start using you to get things off her chest, that's what she has her "girlfriends" for. Even though you have been in a relationship with her, you still want to maintain a certain "presense" around her. Don't turn into the "friend" she needs when she wants a shoulder to cry on. She didn't do that for you, don't forget that. I really want her back, and I'm leaving that up to her Please tell me you didn't actually say this to her. She's seeing the changes in me and I think she realizes I'm making good on the promises I;ve made since we broke off. I'm getting in shape, my attitude is changing, and I'm being the best friend she desperately needs in her life. I'm not sure about what you mean when you say you're being the best friend she needs in her life. I really hope you aren't contacting her too much, but it sounds like you are. You may think she needs a best friend but I assure you that isn't it. Remember, you were always her best friend, yet she still left. I also have let her know in the past she can come back, but it's going to take a lot of work on her part to make me feel it's worth it. I still have work to do too, I know. I still love her and she knows that, and I think she still loves me more than she lets herself believe. I don't know man, this isn't the way you want her to feel right now. If she doesn't feel like she's losing you it isn't going to change her attitude toward you, you need to understand this. If she feels like she can just come back (not to mention the fact that you say she "knows" you still love her) when she feels like it, all the work you've put into moving on is for nothing. Link to comment
rionmccloud Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 Ah, Shidoshi. Well met, friend. Ever the voice of reason, you are. Friends is really what I want to be right now. She has other friends, but I know her better than anybody else. It is hard talking to her about relationship problems, but I hate seeing her upset. I've told her I do still ant to be with her ver since the breakup. After I regained some sanity I told her that. She knows how I feel. As far as contact wise, I see her everyday she comes to pick up our son. Unavoidable, but not totally unpleasant. This weekend's exploits on my part have worked their way into her head and brought out some jealousy, I'm sure. I'm at the point where I'm leaving things to fate and allowing myself to blow in the wind. Whatever is meant to be will be. I just hope what I want is what is meant to be, is all. Like I said, I know her better than anybody else, care about more than anyone, and hate to see her in pain. I admit, deep down, I do like seeing her writhe in confusion and pain, but it still hurts to see it as well. Link to comment
Shidoshi Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 Well, we just talked again. I feel bad about the advice I gave simply because deep down I know I want us to be together again. You're really messing up here man. You shouldn't even be having these discussions with her. It's HER problem, not yours. I feel so bad for her right now, and also bad because I'm slightly pleased to see her squirm a bit as I did for 2.5 months. Bad karma but it can't be helped. Why do you feel bad? She isn't in nearly the amount of pain she caused you, yet you feel bad for her? Dude......You say your slightly pleased with her uncertainty, yet you offer advice and continue talking to her like nothings wrong. She told this guy how she feels and he said nothing in return. Pay close attention to this sentence. THIS is the man she left you for, interesting huh? Where's the "best friend" you said she needs? Despite what he did, or rather "didn't" say, she's still with him. You know why? I'll tell you, he isn't showing any desperate or needy feelings towards her. I told her to take a day off from everybody and think about these tings. Think about how she feels, what she should say, and how she should respond depending on how he answers her. This just isn't good man, not at all. I repeat, you shouldn't even be "talking" to her about her relationship problems......period. Was this the right thing to do? Should I let myself get hopes up again that we can be back together? Should I back off as well? I'm just as confused as she is right now, and hurt right along with her. What do you guys think? All I can say is that you're hurting all the progress I thought you were making. You should have backed off and only contacted her concerning your child. Your behavior isn't consistent and that's hurting you. You have to make her believe that you have trully moved on, otherwise she won't see you any differently. For the love of god, stop talking to her (let alone give advice) about her relationship troubles. She's not stupid, I'm pretty sure she's aware that you haven't moved on, despite the stories you told about going out clubbing. Stop trying to maintain a friendship with her because that isn't going to help you in anyway. Link to comment
rionmccloud Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 I wish I could do that, but the connection is too strong. I still care too much to see her like this, and want her to do what's best for our son and herself. Her being upset over this isn't good for him either. Absense makes the heart grow fonder..... Or forgetful. I couldn't back out completely. The fact is I knew she was upset and wanted to help her if I could. She didn't want to talk about it, I dragged it out of her. If I had known it was the new BF I wouldn't have, but she wouldn't give up any part of it until it all came out. After that I did what I could to help out. As strong as she thinks she is she's pretty fragile sometimes. I care too much to just turn away from her while she's in pain. The tears in her eyes were too much. She didn't want me to see, but I did. She was outside smoking and I came out to throw something away and saw them. She didn't want to talk about it, especially with me, but in the end I'm glad she did and she is too. If it's one thing I've learned through it all it's this. Despite what many people believe there are no rules. No one thing is going to have the same result in every situation due to subtle differences. In my situation staying friends is what's needed. I promised if she ever needed me she could call and I'd always answer. I intend to keep that promise. Link to comment
Shidoshi Posted May 31, 2005 Share Posted May 31, 2005 A friend is what I am indeed. It seems really hard to convey what I mean to you, because you are thinking with your "emotions" rather than logic. You NEED to be thinking logically right now. Logically, you haven't really changed your attitude. You continue to put more into this than you're getting in return. You keep saying she's your best friend and you hate to see her in pain, but you still haven't "grasped" the fact that she doesn't return the sentiment. *sigh* I guess I should stop lecturing you because you're going to do what you want regardless, but it just kills me to see it because I've learned so much about women and I wish I could somehow make you see what you're doing wrong. Link to comment
rionmccloud Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 In the end we'll see who's right, I suppose. I do appreciate the advice, even if I don't follow it. That's the thing about me, I can usually give good advice, but rarely follow it. In a month if we're not together still I'll send a beer Shidoshi. Link to comment
rionmccloud Posted May 31, 2005 Author Share Posted May 31, 2005 Yeah. I was totally wrong. Figures. Thanks Shidoshi, the ever present voice of reality. I'm still glad she talked to me because she was glad she did. On the plus side I gave new BF a sleepless night after I left and she pushed him away. Some satisfaction can be had out of this I suppose. I didn't get my hopes up too high, but I'm still fighting the back the tears all day. I'll be fine tomorrow. Plus I'm going to ask a girl at work out on friendly date. Wish me luck. Link to comment
Shidoshi Posted June 1, 2005 Share Posted June 1, 2005 In a month if we're not together still I'll send a beer Shidoshi. Hell, send the beer now. I'm posting this reply during a college class that's boring me to tears... You know what man, instead of trying to explain a bunch of stuff to you I would suggest you pay attention to what "works." Yes, it's that simple. You've talked about the "other" guy with your ex, why not "think" about what it is that he's doing to keep her around. You don't even need to listen to what your ex says about him because her "words" are meaningless. Observe her "actions," that will explain a lot. Even if for some reason she comes back to you, things are never going to be the same. As long as you "revolve" around her world you're never going to get what you want....from any woman. Link to comment
rionmccloud Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 Yeah I know. I just can't help how I feel anymore than she can. I was really hoping it was a sign of answered prayers. Then again my prayers aren't specific. Something like.. "God, please keep my ex and my son happy and safe. Help me get through these trials in my life. Help the ex see clearly what she wants and to get it. God help me cope with things that don't go my way." I think it's rude to ask for exactly what you want, and pretty selfish too. Guess maybe it was answered, just not in the way I desired most of all. Maybe this girl at work will want to go out this weekend. Link to comment
rionmccloud Posted June 1, 2005 Author Share Posted June 1, 2005 The girl said yes! I have a date! Link to comment
Shidoshi Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 The girl said yes! I have a date! Excellent, lets see if she can help take your mind off you know who. Link to comment
rionmccloud Posted June 2, 2005 Author Share Posted June 2, 2005 Read my post in dating asking for tips... No such luck I'm afraid... Link to comment
The_Doc Posted June 2, 2005 Share Posted June 2, 2005 I can't even think about dating anyone else at the moment... My heart is just aching so much Link to comment
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