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She asked for space, have I lost her?


Potatocape0
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I've been seeing this girl for a month with great dates, both inside and outside of the bedroom. She's admitted she's really into me and even told her family and best mates about me, so two days ago I brought up about exclusivity - to me exclusivity and being in a relationship are two different things, but I found out to her and her culture it means the same thing - so she said she wasn't ready for that yet (and I'm not ready to call someone my girlfriend just yet). It left our messaging a bit awkward and she's been less responsive the last 48 hours. Today this is how the texts went down:

Me: I woke up this morning and have been thinking of you. I'm sorry if I upset you in anyway. How do I fix this

Her: I think I just need some space today, I've got a lot going on in the next couple days, with my house move and new job starting, not to forget going on a weekend retreat this weekend, so I dont want to be in a bad mood for that. I'm not angry, I'm just working things out and figuring out what I want so I can continue to be honest with you.

Me: thanks for letting me know, I'm here when you're ready to talk.

Was that the right move? Does it seem she genuinely needs space or am I being played here.

Does anyone else have a similar experience to this, and how did it play out?

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43 minutes ago, Potatocape0 said:

I'm not angry,

Angry about what?

 

43 minutes ago, Potatocape0 said:

I dont want to be in a bad mood for that.

Why would she be in a bad mood?

Something is off. I don't think you've done anything wrong.

I'd say leave it there and let her go back to you. The ball is in her court now and it's up to her to decide whether she wants to keep on pursuing dating you. But it seems she wants to distance herself (with all the I'm busy comments). So expect it maybe to end.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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I mean when they say "space", they usually mean "space" as another dude. She doesnt want to be just with you so its a possibility.

But unfortunately there is nothing you can do than wait. You pressuring would not do anything.

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I had a similar experience although I waited a few months. The girl admitted she only liked me, we were spending a lot of time together, she'd told all her friends about me, so seemed natural to bring up relationship labels. But as soon as I did that she said she wanted to keep things the way they are and not label it and a week later explained she wasn't ready for seriousness or exclusivity and from that point onwards she continued to pull away and became colder and more distant and a month afterwards she dropped me. 

My theory is that this kind of reaction results when a girl likes you but isn't sure about you or what she wants. Before "the talk" she could put her doubts to one side and just have fun. But "the talk" results in her feeling relationship pressure and that creates resistance in her mind and she starts overthinking, feeling more confused, and all of this pushes her away. 

I think all you can really do is give her a lot of space. Trying to "fix" things or trying to "talk it out" or otherwise crowding her will just push her away further. Letting it show you are upset or disappointed is also something you need to try to avoid. 

She will probably feel she has to conclude the discussion at some point. Most likely she will come back with some variant of I do not feel I am ready. You can then just say "That's cool. I understand. We can keep things the way they are". And then try to have fun dates and hopefully she will relax and stop overthinking and things will no longer be awkward. 

 

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4 hours ago, Potatocape0 said:

I've been seeing this girl for a month with great dates, both inside and outside of the bedroom. She's admitted she's really into me and even told her family and best mates about me, so two days ago I brought up about exclusivity - to me exclusivity and being in a relationship are two different things, but I found out to her and her culture it means the same thing - so she said she wasn't ready for that yet (and I'm not ready to call someone my girlfriend just yet). It left our messaging a bit awkward and she's been less responsive the last 48 hours. Today this is how the texts went down:

Me: I woke up this morning and have been thinking of you. I'm sorry if I upset you in anyway. How do I fix this

Her: I think I just need some space today, I've got a lot going on in the next couple days, with my house move and new job starting, not to forget going on a weekend retreat this weekend, so I dont want to be in a bad mood for that. I'm not angry, I'm just working things out and figuring out what I want so I can continue to be honest with you.

Me: thanks for letting me know, I'm here when you're ready to talk.

Was that the right move? Does it seem she genuinely needs space or am I being played here.

Does anyone else have a similar experience to this, and how did it play out?

You seem too needy. Step way back and be busy with your own life. It’s only a few weeks of dating and if you think you have to “fix” anything it’s likely way over the top. Focus on your self confidence and go about doing your own thing. If she wants to be with you she knows where to find you.

Don’t be afraid to talk and meet with other women too. You’re treating this too seriously when there’s no exclusivity and she’s not on the same page.

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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

Wouldn't say she is necessarily hot/cold. Just think you jumped the gun a little and spooked her. All you can do is respect her wishes and give her space and wait for her to circle round. 

Please be honest, and it's an impossible answer, but do you think she will circle round?

She said multiple times that she is into me, telling her parents about me and getting me to chat with her best mate - so I'm so confused why she's really okay not to contact me - especially when she said a few days she doesn't want to lose a great guy like me

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5 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Did you tell her you'd like to be exclusive but you're not ready for a relationship? If so, maybe that's what upset her.

Can you explain the difference between exclusivity and a relationship?

 

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