Dealing with the Ex and How She Treats him

[bluecastle]

40 minutes ago, robhsdca said:

I am not 100% ready to walk away without trying to get her to see how I am feeling and see how she reacts, but when that happens I know I will be faced with the choice of either finding a way to get things on a better footing, or walk away. 

Haven't you already expressed this to her, as outlined in your original post? 

Look, we meet people when we meet them, and wherever they are on their own journey. Dating is about getting a feel for all that, and seeing if our own journeys can compliment, and be complimented by, another's. Though you've repeatedly cited your age as rationalization for moving fast, I'd argue the opposite is the case. You two have about a century of life split between you two, which is to say 100 years of habits, character traits, and other relationships, with kids, with kids' parents, to see about braiding into a basket that holds water.  

What you've outlined about her, the relationship with the ex—sure, there are "red flags." She sounds pretty entangled with something that doesn't radiate healthy. But I don't think those flags have the same deep crimson hue as the one where you seem to expect her to be reshaping her life and habits around you at warp speed. The subtext here is that you do not respect the way she lives her life, or have much faith in her, which are death knells to a sustained connection. The strongest love gets snuffed out by that.  

Don't get me wrong. In your shoes I'd likely be feeling a lot of what you're feeling, and can only imagine it's a lot to process given how much you care about her. I just don't believe that six months into a relationship is the time to be taking on someone's relationship with their ex, especially when children are involved. Honestly, I don't think that's really ever something to meddle with, but more something to observe, live alongside for a bit and see if it works for you, or does not.

For reference, I'm 3.5 years into a relationship where these are all factors, though in that time I have spent exactly zero seconds trying to get my partner to change her behavior when it comes to her ex-husband and their relationship. They have an amazing child together, and I respect them both in how they handle that business. If I didn't? There would be no us.