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I am upset that my boyfriend is buying only fans content. Do I have a right to be angry?


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A few months ago, I noticed that my boyfriend was subscribed to a bunch of premium snapchats which made me feel weird. He insisted it was just for looking and he wasn’t buying anything. Which I was okay with so I let it go, he can watch porn and I’ll never have an issue with that. A few weeks later I looked on his Cash App and saw he spent at least $100 on multiple women for content. I called him out and expressed how uncomfortable it made me. He assured every account would be deleted and he was no longer even going to look let alone buy. Fast forward to last night, I see that he now has an Only Fans account and it’s spending more money. I am absolutely heated and beyond myself. Do I even have a right to be upset?

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Hey Pointypancake,

In any relationship, it is up to those involved to set their boundaries. If you are uncomfortable with your partner paying for pornography, then you are entitled to draw that line and let him know. It is doubly egregious as you have already outlined your discomfort and he has violated your trust in continuing to engage behind your back.

Your work is largely irrelevant, although as an aside you could ask yourself if you knew that a subscriber was violating a similar boundary with their partner would you block them? Although again, it's not equivalent, as you are not responsible for policing other's relationships.

Just my 2 cents,

 

T

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17 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Pointypancake sounds delicious.

My dad used to make pointy pancakes. It was because his frying pan was bent. They were great. 

25 minutes ago, Pointypancake said:

Do I even have a right to be upset considering I sell the same thing?

Of course you have a right to your feelings.

I actually think this is more a matter of justifying your own actions, considering how upset you are when the tables are turned.

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1 minute ago, itsallgrand said:

What upsets you about it? Is it that he spends money on it at all or because it's shared money or..? 

Do you live together and/or share finances? 

 

I think it’s more about him talking to them in order to get the content. I don’t like that he is having conversation and talking about god only knows what. Porn is so different - you’re not having actual contact with these people your fantasizing about.

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53 minutes ago, Pointypancake said:

I think it’s more about him talking to them in order to get the content. I don’t like that he is having conversation and talking about god only knows what. Porn is so different - you’re not having actual contact with these people your fantasizing about.

Do you consider yourself in some kind of relationship with your customers? Do they just buy items from you or do you have conversations with your clients?

If you're not emotionally attached to your customers then it wouldn't make sense that your boyfriend would be emotionally attached to the vendors he's buying from.

Is what he's doing somehow "different"?

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I can’t imagine pointypancakes has any emotional attachment to her customers. She’s creating content for that coin!

You have a right to be upset. Where your engagement with that world brings money in, his is costing it. Not to mention those interactions are what he’s investing his free time in! And more than that, it makes you uncomfortable and you’ve expressed that and he’s still doing it!

 

My housemate found herself in the same situation. Content creator dating someone who remained a content consumer. She wasn’t comfortable with it either and they split up, 

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1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

I can’t imagine pointypancakes has any emotional attachment to her customers. She’s creating content for that coin!

That was exactly the point I was making. She has no emotional attachment to her customers, so why would the sellers her boyfriend patronizes be any different? And I doubt he feels emotionally connected to the women from whom he's buying access to look at their pics. It's like buying a Playboy back in the day.

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2 hours ago, Pointypancake said:

I think it’s more about him talking to them in order to get the content. I don’t like that he is having conversation and talking about god only knows what. Porn is so different - you’re not having actual contact with these people your fantasizing about.

OK, I get that. You feel like he's crossing a line into seeking closer connection and intimacy with them because he's willing to pay for access to that and more content. 

Honestly though, I don't think you will like my advise. I don't think you will have much chance of finding a quality partner while you are in active as a sex worker. If he's cool with you doing sex work, he likely sees nothing wrong in his heart with him purchasing from sex workers. You really have to ask yourself if that's something you can live with or if maybe it's time to go in a new direction and increase your chances of finding a partner who has the values you seek. 

 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Do you consider yourself in some kind of relationship with your customers? Do they just buy items from you or do you have conversations with your clients?

If you're not emotionally attached to your customers then it wouldn't make sense that your boyfriend would be emotionally attached to the vendors he's buying from.

Is what he's doing somehow "different"?

I do have to say when I was single I did have a different type of relationship and connection with certain customers. I would chat some of them almost every single day. Though I don’t think he has that type of relationship with another one right now, I’m terrified he’ll create one. He’s even made jokes about meeting up with some of them but plays it off, which makes me uncomfortable. I don’t appreciate seeing messages of him calling these girls beautiful. This is the first time I’ve felt insecure in our 3 year relationship. I guess I shouldn’t even be going through his phone in the first place 😯 my side of the street isn’t really clean either 😞

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It's got to be difficult for him to know you're getting messages from random men calling you beautiful and sexy. Maybe he's doing the same thing with other women because he doesn't want to admit your job bothers him.

I presume he knew what you did for a living before you two started dating, however.

Side note, how did you meet him? Through work, or...

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5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

It's got to be difficult for him to know you're getting messages from random men calling you beautiful and sexy. Maybe he's doing the same thing with other women because he doesn't want to admit your job bothers him.

I presume he knew what you did for a living before you two started dating, however.

Side note, how did you meet him? Through work, or...

We met at high school and started dating years after graduating. I have never seen any signs of my work bothering him. We talk about it almost every day, he helps me create content and give ideas about what I could sell next or do better. That doesn’t positively mean he doesn’t have second thoughts about it though. I actually really like your comment and want to check in with him about it. I would stop selling altogether if it made him uncomfortable, no questions asked. It’s just side money for me

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14 hours ago, Pointypancake said:

We met at high school and started dating years after graduating. I have never seen any signs of my work bothering him. We talk about it almost every day, he helps me create content and give ideas about what I could sell next or do better. That doesn’t positively mean he doesn’t have second thoughts about it though. I actually really like your comment and want to check in with him about it. I would stop selling altogether if it made him uncomfortable, no questions asked. It’s just side money for me

This doesn't make sense to me and likely doesn't to him. It's just side money and yet just to make side money you've decided to be a sex worker? You haven't checked with him about his feelings about your line of work? That never came up at all when you told him about how you felt about his online activities? So -he helps you create content - he therefore is involved in sex work too albeit indirectly.  It's just side money but he's helping you make more money at what you dismiss as just side money? Why would it surprise you then that he partakes on his own, too? 

 

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I get it..you do it for money, he's doing it for pleasure. Yes those are two very different things. I say this is deal breaker on both side. You two need to come to some sort of compromise, whatever that may be, or simply end the relationship. 

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5 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I get it..you do it for money, he's doing it for pleasure. Yes those are two very different things. I say this is deal breaker on both side. You two need to come to some sort of compromise, whatever that may be, or simply end the relationship. 

She wrote she does it just for side money and would quit if he wanted her too.  So since it's not for her to avoid starving my sense is she benefits from it and likes that he tries to help her improve the bottom line.  He does it for a different kind of pleasure.

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Well to be honest I think whatever people do in their relationship comes from both people agreeing on what beliefs and rules/expectations they have in the relationship. Although usually when there are rules and agreements on what is OK to do, those rules apply to both people. For example, I have quite a few polyamorous friends and they agree that they can sleep with and date multiple people, and so can their partners. 

I'm not sure in what sense you meant that you are a sex worker. Is your sex work actually physically having sex with your clients? Or is it more like web camming or Only Fans content as well? In any case, in a way you are sexually involved with other people. If your boyfriend knows about your work and he has accepted it, I'm guessing he expects you to accept that he wants to use Only Fans. 

One of my friends is a sex worker (in person and web cam) and all the partners she'd had accepted it. But she's polyamorous and they are too. So they accepted that she sleeps with other people but they do as well. It seems unfair if for example my friend is a sex worker and sleeps with a lot of different clients but says to her partner: "But YOU can't see anyone else".

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Time for a long hard discussion about your relationship, make sure that he doesn't feel pressured into accepting your side job. Which I think many men would, so they could keep an attractive woman in their life. Are you two monogamous, or poly, or? 

How is the relationship outside of this issue?

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