Jealous and possessive girlfriend

[Tjphoenix]

My best friend went through a divorce last year, after 10 years happily married. It ended basically because his ex felt she deserved better and started talking to guys on dating apps behind his back, when he found out, he left her, leaving him only seeing his 2 young girls at alternate weekends. Nowhere to live as his ex-wife took all of his money, he was living on a military base ( where he works) 

Within a few months, he met and moved in with his new girlfriend. Seemingly appearing perfect at first, she took him in, gave him somewhere to live, and somewhere to have his girls for weekends, and she never charged him any rent whatsoever. She did however create some rules, including that he wasn't allowed to go to any bars, must give her his social media passwords, and must videocall her when he is with me, to prove he is with me and not out with other women etc. 

Recently they broke up, because he broke a rule and went to a bar with his brother, who was going through a hard time and needed cheering up with a drink. When she found out, they argued alot and she called him a terrible father, which hurt his feelings so much that he ended it. She then text all of his family, explaining they were breaking up and it was due to him not respecting her and her rules etc. He then calls me and tells me everything, but a day later, he tells me he is back with her, and the justification is that he needs somewhere to take his 2 girls to stay. I told him my concerns, that this wasn't a good enough reason to stay with someone, and that I felt he is also being controlled by her. He then explained that he does not care about anything except being able to see his daughters, and that he will even accept being disrespected by her, as long as she let's him see his girls, and she's good with them, he doesn't care about anything else. 

I have seen him change a lot for the worse, and I just don't know what to say to him anymore, I am worried she is controlling him more and more. I have got great advice on here before, with my own relationship problems in the past, and felt like this could be a good place to get some support, so in turn I can support my friend. I know ultimately, there's nothing i can do, he needs to work through this himself, but any sound a rational advice I can give, would help alot, as he really does listen to me (well except regarding her haha) any input would be hugely appreciated....

Thank you  

[1a1a]

The captain might have some wisdom

 

https://captainawkward.com/2011/01/17/reader-question-4-my-friend-is-dating-someone-terrible-or-secrets-of-the-darth-vader-boyfriend/amp/

[Kwothe28]

People in very bad, even abusive, relationship, are often bound by that they dont have the way out. Other side often holds them in firm grip by that fact. So in time they become OK with other side treating them badly. Because, after all, they have nowhere to leave and other side telling them a few bad words or even hitting tem, is prefferable of having to deal with having nowhere to live or even worst, not providing for their kids. Hence why you often see the cases of abused people going back to abuser. 

Anyway, unless your friend realizes its way worst having to deal with her than to live on his own, there is hardly something you can do. So try to make him realize that. However, dont really think he would listen. He moved in quickly knowing that somebody is very controlling. Just so he would have a place to live. Unless he gets a way out, he is staying there. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Tjphoenix said:

 she took him in, gave him somewhere to live, and somewhere to have his girls for weekends, and she never charged him any rent whatsoever. 

He needs to get his own apartment. Having drinking buddies isn't a priority when he's basically homeless and and mooching off this GF.

A homeless shelter has rules as well so he can pick that and lose visitation or camp out at the controlling GF's place and deal with her BS.

He's creating his own problems.

[Rose Mosse]

Why isn’t he allowed to go to bars? Does he have any history of being an alcoholic? Or what’s his relationship with alcohol? 

Is he still with the military? 

He needs more stability and his own place or he’ll lose custody anyway. 

[tattoobunnie]

Let him move in with you.

[smackie9]

He is an adult is able to make his own choices. Just be supportive/lend a sympathetic ear is all you can do. Never butt in and place your judgement on his actions. It won't go too well. 

[DancingFool]

Sounds like you need to accept that your friend is choosing to live this way for his own reasons and he isn't necessarily being completely transparent with you and possibly even with himself about that. 

What I mean is that he is employed, he's been living with this woman rent free, so he realistically has enough saved up for a deposit for his own place at this point. He doesn't need to stay in this situation. He is choosing to.

When friends are making poor choices, listening to them complain about their life can be incredibly frustrating. However, all you can really do is limit how much you listen before you change topics for your own sanity. He isn't looking for your advice or help, he is just venting, but will continue to go back and do what he is doing until he is ready for something different. Right now, he is not and any attempt by you to advise him is going to push him away from you. Essentially help isolate him from friends that he desperately needs. Not sayin that you can't make the occasional comment that what is going on is really wrong, just don't go into it with "here is what you need to do to fix this". He isn't ready to hear that.

The only time you can step up in terms of practical help and advice is if he ever comes to you and tells you he needs your help to get out and means it.

[boltnrun]

My brother was in a relationship with someone who I suspected was only with him for his money and who would eventually take him to the cleaners. I told him one time only that I was concerned. He wasn't interested in hearing anything negative about her, so I never brought it up again.

Well, he married her and she left him after one year and took him to the cleaners. A very expensive lesson. I didn't say "I told you so" or chastise or berate him. I just listen when he vents and complains about how she's behaving during the divorce process. And if he ASKS for advice I give it, but if he doesn't I don't.

People just have to make their own choices, whether or not we think they're good or wise.

[Rox22]

22 hours ago, Tjphoenix said:

She then text all of his family, explaining they were breaking up and it was due to him not respecting her and her rules etc.

Can his family not help him, take him in? Friends? Does she have them manipulated and convinced that she's the best thing that happened to him? Do they know what she's really like, or will they turn on him; have turned on him and doesn't have their support?

She's obviously not someone he should be with long-term either. Controlling, demanding, expecting... who wants to live like that? 

If he can move in with someone, or get his own place, then that's the best thing for him. But, as you know he may not listen and will allow himself to go through another roller coaster ride like he did with the first one.

How old are they?

[Tjphoenix]

7 hours ago, Rox22 said:

Can his family not help him, take him in? Friends? Does she have them manipulated and convinced that she's the best thing that happened to him? Do they know what she's really like, or will they turn on him; have turned on him and doesn't have their support?

She's obviously not someone he should be with long-term either. Controlling, demanding, expecting... who wants to live like that? 

If he can move in with someone, or get his own place, then that's the best thing for him. But, as you know he may not listen and will allow himself to go through another roller coaster ride like he did with the first one.

How old are they?

He has great family, but unfortunately they live too far away. And yeah, she's got them convinced she's amazing. He tells me he likes my opinion, cos no-one else is honest with him, or just thinks she's wonderful. But he's conflicted cos he always comes to me for my opinion, but then tries his best to change my opinion and convince me she is great. I think he's trapped cos he needs her to facilitate him seeing his girls more, and his girls are his priority. It's easier for him to convince himself that she's great, than find the courage (and logistics) to leave her. 

I'm done telling him what I think (even though he's always asking me) I think I will push him away, and I don't want that, I just want to support him. 

I've told him he needs his own place. Problem is, he needs to leave his girls with her, when he goes to work (in order to keep his 50:50 custody with his ex-wife) so again, logistically he needs to be with her. 

How old are they or his girls? They're both mid 30s, his girls are 3&5

[Tjphoenix]

15 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Why isn’t he allowed to go to bars? Does he have any history of being an alcoholic? Or what’s his relationship with alcohol? 

Is he still with the military? 

He needs more stability and his own place or he’ll lose custody anyway. 

The issue with bars is purely to do with the fact that girls are in bars, and she doesn't trust him. She has history with ex boyfriend's cheating on her, so she uses that as an excuse to why he can't go to bars, why he has to show her his fb messages, WhatsApp messages etc. 

He is still military, hence why he works overnight alot, and when he has custody of his girls, sometimes he works and gives them to her to look after. Logistically he needs her, and is the explanation for why he moved in with her straight away, and why he won't move out/puts up with the abuse etc.

I think you're right about inevitably losing custody unless he gets stability. The girls are his priority, so maybe realising that could push him to make a decision 

 

Thank you for your reply and thoughts 

[jazz_lover]

He needs to change his job (or negotiate his working hours) so he doesn't have to work weekends and get his own place. Otherwise he will continue to be dependent on this woman for child care and a place to live. 

Ask your buddy what he would do if she got fed up with him and kicked him out for good? Relationships do not always last and it is not good to be dependent on someone to this extent. Especially when this dependence means he has to meet her every whim and follow her rules. She may enjoy the control for now but eventually she will lose all respect for him and it will turn her off. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

He claims it's abuse but in reality he is using her as a flophouse and nanny.

Whatever drivel he tells you about the "old battle-ax won't let me go out drinking in bars" is simply rubbish.  He is there for the obvious benefits.

[Rose Mosse]

8 hours ago, Tjphoenix said:

The issue with bars is purely to do with the fact that girls are in bars, and she doesn't trust him. She has history with ex boyfriend's cheating on her, so she uses that as an excuse to why he can't go to bars, why he has to show her his fb messages, WhatsApp messages etc. 

He is still military, hence why he works overnight alot, and when he has custody of his girls, sometimes he works and gives them to her to look after. Logistically he needs her, and is the explanation for why he moved in with her straight away, and why he won't move out/puts up with the abuse etc.

I think you're right about inevitably losing custody unless he gets stability. The girls are his priority, so maybe realising that could push him to make a decision 

 

Thank you for your reply and thoughts 

He’s using her for childcare services and their relationship is very volatile. Unfortunately he’s not doing this responsibly and he’s also manipulating you as a friend in the process. Take a step back and be less involved.

The saddest part here are the girls or his children. If you want to encourage him as a friend now and then tell him to get his own place and find more appropriate childcare. 

Don’t get too involved anymore as it seems he knows how to twist a story. They’re both at fault for leaning on each other out of convenience and hurting one another.

[boltnrun]

He could hire help to stay with his children overnight.

I think there's more to it. I think he enjoys being bossed around and just doesn't want to admit it. My brother is attracted to women who like to run the show. Maybe your friend is the same way.

[Rox22]

On 4/11/2022 at 5:56 PM, Tjphoenix said:

He then explained that he does not care about anything except being able to see his daughters, and that he will even accept being disrespected by her, as long as she let's him see his girls, and she's good with them, he doesn't care about anything else. 

He really doesn't care about his girls. They're young and impressionable. If he doesn't think the girls will report to Mom how GF treats Dad, he's delusional (beyond). He chose to let a stranger be the deciding factor as to when/how he sees his children?

16 hours ago, Tjphoenix said:

his girls are 3&5

Does his Ex know who's watching them, when he's not around?

How long has he been dating her again? The manipulation from this girl re: her ex's cheating, and then using it as a "term" to then weaponize him b/c he went to a bar w/his brother. Then, he caved to her demands, b/c she went complaining to his family that SHE's being disrespected? He doesn't want to admit that this whole situation is a disaster waiting to happen.

As his friend - the next time he asks your opinion you say: "I've already told you where I stand with her and your situation with her. Don't ask me again, and don't even think of trying to change, or manipulate my thoughts into thinking otherwise. If you want to speak to me about anything else, or your girls, I'll listen. She's off limits"

Put your foot down and let him deal w/your limitations/standards, if he won't set any for himself.
As friends, we can only let them drain us so much... then, time's up!

GL

[Tjphoenix]

Good point, I'm sure the mum doesn't know, and wouldn't approve atall. They've been dating for about a year (and living together for pretty much all of that time)

Thanks for all your thoughts, I hate not knowing what to say, and he is clearly reaching out to me, but you're right, as others have said too...he's not ready to listen (or atleast accept my opinion) I think I need to make it clear that conversation about her is off limits, otherwise our friendship will struggle, and I'll lose respect for him, and I don't want that to happen,  he's an excellent friend and a great father. 

[LotusBlack]

On 4/13/2022 at 2:51 PM, Tjphoenix said:

The issue with bars is purely to do with the fact that girls are in bars, and she doesn't trust him. She has history with ex boyfriend's cheating on her, so she uses that as an excuse to why he can't go to bars, why he has to show her his fb messages, WhatsApp messages etc. 

He is still military, hence why he works overnight alot, and when he has custody of his girls, sometimes he works and gives them to her to look after. Logistically he needs her, and is the explanation for why he moved in with her straight away, and why he won't move out/puts up with the abuse etc.

I think you're right about inevitably losing custody unless he gets stability. The girls are his priority, so maybe realising that could push him to make a decision 

 

Thank you for your reply and thoughts 

The thing is, is that if he actually cannot commit to them 50% of the time because of his job, then he shouldn’t have then 50% of the time. He sees his gf as having his girls when he isn’t there as a positive, but it isn’t; they aren’t there to be with her, they are there to be with him, but he isn’t there, so realistically, they shouldn’t be there as it is a moot point and defeats the purpose.

And no, he is choosing to view his situation as being the only thing he can do. He has a job, pays no rent, so he can afford a deposit for his own place and then negotiate having his daughters for an amount of time that reflects his availability, or change jobs once his service is up.

Sometimes people are addicted to drama even if they don’t like it. Seems to me that there are a number of options that he could go with that are infinitely better than the choice he is currently making, but he’s decided to get in his own way. When he’s ready to get serious with himself and his way forward, he will do what needs to be and can be done.

[Andrina]

Those poor girls have to be around a couple with a toxic relationship. And who knows how this lady treats them when he's not around? It would be better for him to pick up his daughters for outings only, until circumstances change. He should ask his ex for that accommodation, and if she doesn't agree, he should schedule a mediation session through the family court system.