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Dating help


nhraracer90
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Hello! I am rather new to dating as I got divorced about 1 1/2 ago (11 year relationship) and I’m now 32 years old. My main question is social media and dating nowadays. So I’ve been talking to this girl for several months and things seem to be going rather good. We talk mostly everyday and FaceTime a lot. She recently changed jobs and moved (which I know can be a lot and stressful). I’ll text her and not get a response but she’ll post on social media and respond to some ppl on there (she will eventually respond back to me within a day or so sometimes longer). She’s much more into social media than I am, she posts a lot regarding her work which is completely fine. I just don’t quite understand the posting to social media and not responding to me. She went away on a work trip for a week and we didn’t speak much.  Lately when she does respond to me I’ll get “I’m so sorry I haven’t been responsive and engaging with you”, “I miss our FaceTime”,”I miss you”, “I’ll be home middle of the week so we will talk please save time for me”. Stuff along those lines. 
 

Any insight would be appreciated. Thanks 🙂 

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The title of your post is "dating help". So do you plan to ask this woman for a date? Or are you only interested in electronic communication?

If you want to date her, why let "several months" go by without asking for a date? And how did you first start communicating? Where did you meet her (I presume you've met in person)?

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

How often do you spend in-person time together?

We haven’t met in person yet. She lives a few hours away. We had planned on going on a date but she lost her job hence why she had to move. 

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2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

The title of your post is "dating help". So do you plan to ask this woman for a date? Or are you only interested in electronic communication?

If you want to date her, why let "several months" go by without asking for a date? And how did you first start communicating? Where did you meet her (I presume you've met in person)?

We had planned on going on one but she lost her job and moved in the process. We met through social media actually, we have similar interests which is why I had followed her then awhile after my divorce I reached out and things went from there. 

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Actual dating only happens face to face in real life. In that respect, nothing has changed in this world.

In terms of social media and electronic communications, what has changed is that it allows for people who are not ready, or willing, or interested in actually dating, to live in a fantasy world while avoiding real life interactions.

Put it simply, if you are not meeting in person, you are not dating. If someone is dragging their feet about meeting in person, aka going on a date, stop wasting your time on them. Stick to those you are actually able to meet and realistically date in real life in a reasonable amount of time. In most cases that will be a week or two from starting to chat. First meets are usually just that - a meet and greet in real life to see if there is any real life chemistry there. So that means coffee, or ice cream, or happy hour type stuff. Basically where you can meet, chat, see, and exit gracefully if you realize there is zero mutual attraction and you are actually just wasting time.

In your particular situation, you are over invested in someone you've never met and so realistically have no clue if you'd actually click face to face. Yet, you are acting like you are in a relationship, making excuses for her moving/job loss, when in reality.....you should be looking at other options. You are not married to this girl and owe her nothing and she owes you nothing either, and is showing it through her excuses. It's called being strung along as option C or D...or Z.

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12 minutes ago, nhraracer90 said:

We haven’t met in person yet. She lives a few hours away. We had planned on going on a date but she lost her job hence why she had to move. 

Ok, then you may be wasting your time.

Why not get a good profile and  pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for a low-key coffee/drink. You need to see if there is in-person chemistry in order to date.

Dating needs to happen in person, otherwise this could be anything from someone in a relationship to a catfish and at best, a timewaster who wants a textbuddy.

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30 minutes ago, nhraracer90 said:

We had planned on going on one but she lost her job and moved in the process. We met through social media actually, we have similar interests which is why I had followed her then awhile after my divorce I reached out and things went from there. 

Sounds like it's not possible for you to date her. Things can't go from there when there's no possibility of meeting in person and dating. And that's probably why she's pulling back; she realizes the futility of attaching herself emotionally to someone she only interacts with virtually.

So instead of overinvesting in a woman you will never meet in person or date, how about creating a profile on a dating site instead of using social media to look for dates? Or join a group and attend events so you can meet women in person.

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This may be a last vestige and reminder of that divorce chapter. You tagged along or watched her social media feeds for awhile and it helped you through your divorce but it's time to move on. 

Date local women and meet dates in person. Don't be afraid to start the next chapter.

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53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Ok, then you may be wasting your time.

Why not get a good profile and  pics on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for a low-key coffee/drink. You need to see if there is in-person chemistry in order to date.

Dating needs to happen in person, otherwise this could be anything from someone in a relationship to a catfish and at best, a timewaster who wants a textbuddy.

I definitely agree with the in person meeting and chemistry. Dating apps suck lol. So I’ve purposely not texted her and she will eventually text me or something apologizing for not communicating with me. I figured if she was pulling away she wouldn’t text back at all and she actually moved closer to me when she did move. She keeps telling me “hey you’re wonderful”, “you’re amazing”, “you’re awesome has anyone told you that?” I’m not trying to make any excuses for her just want to make sure I’m not overthinking things here. 

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41 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Sounds like it's not possible for you to date her. Things can't go from there when there's no possibility of meeting in person and dating. And that's probably why she's pulling back; she realizes the futility of attaching herself emotionally to someone she only interacts with virtually.

So instead of overinvesting in a woman you will never meet in person or date, how about creating a profile on a dating site instead of using social media to look for dates? Or join a group and attend events so you can meet women in person.

If she’s pulling back then why does she even text me back at all or want to call/video chat? Asking me for pictures and sending me pictures of her. If I don’t text her for awhile (day or 2) she will always text me apologizing for not communicating with me enough. She still says the “you’re amazing, you’re wonderful and awesome” things. Random “hey you’re wonderful” messages during the day sometimes. I’m not making excuses for her, just making sure I’m not overthinking things here. 
 

I am on dating apps as well but they are another conversation in themselves from women in relationships to absolutely wasting my time on those. Honestly this is the most engaged woman I’ve spoken to since my divorce including the ones on dating apps. 

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3 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

It seems you're wasting your time anyway. She doesn't respond to you in a timely manner or a way that you'd like in a relationship so whether she's as engaged or not is debatable.

Yeah 😞. Most of the time she does just been less since she lost her job and moved. I know everyone handles things differently but 🤷🏼‍♂️. Sucks since when we talk it’s always good and we think alike and having very similar interests. 

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2 minutes ago, nhraracer90 said:

Yeah 😞. Most of the time she does just been less since she lost her job and moved. I know everyone handles things differently but 🤷🏼‍♂️. Sucks since when we talk it’s always good and we think alike and having very similar interests. 

Dial it back and let her come to you. You know that this is more of a time-wasting exercise if you have no ability to meet in person now that she has moved. If she's not employed she may not be able to pay her bills which means she's got other things to worry about. I'd consider at this point whether you both are hanging on to each other to avoid your separate realities: you finding it difficult to find local women to date and she avoiding having to deal with any personal issues. 

 

 

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13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Ok, but what is your goal? To have a relationship over an electronic device, or be involved with a woman you can actually spend time with in person?

 

13 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Dial it back and let her come to you. You know that this is more of a time-wasting exercise if you have no ability to meet in person now that she has moved. If she's not employed she may not be able to pay her bills which means she's got other things to worry about. I'd consider at this point whether you both are hanging on to each other to avoid your separate realities: you finding it difficult to find local women to date and she avoiding having to deal with any personal issues. 

 

 

Okay that’s what I’ve been trying, to dial it back and see what happens. She does have a new job but like most ppl lives paycheck to paycheck so I fully understand how being able to survive would take priority over dating. (I don’t currently live paycheck to paycheck but I know what it’s like). Honestly I was doing good not really being involved in dating as I don’t “need” anyone and am generally a happy person by myself 

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17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Ok, but what is your goal? To have a relationship over an electronic device, or be involved with a woman you can actually spend time with in person?

Oh noooo I don’t want a strictly virtual relationship lol. With her losing her job, living paycheck to paycheck, moving and etc I haven’t been too pushy about meeting. She’s mentioned a few times about once she’s settled in to come visit her. I try to be understanding of what ppl have going on and not jump to conclusions right away. Again not making excuses for her but once she’s back and gets home and still doesn’t mention meeting or pushing it off then I’ll pull away more. 
 

I actually talked to a girl on a dating app for several months (before the current one) and she was really bad about not meeting and blowing it off, I had to be the one to text first and she lived really close by. Turns out she had a boyfriend so that was the end of that 

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4 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

In my opinion you should meet in person as soon as possible. So you can see if there is real chemistry between you guys.

I agree and she just moved to her new place 2 weeks ago and then had to go on a week long work trip so I understand that and I don’t want to be too much given all of what is going on. I was just wanting to make sure I’m not overthinking things here and ruining things myself lol 

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I suggest you stop with your habit of communicating for "several months". As you can see, this gets you nowhere except emotionally attached to someone you've never met.

Instead, decide you will only exchange enough messages to set up a coffee meet so you can decide if you'd like to ask for a date. If there's no set plan to meet within a week or two, move on. That way you're not in a situation where you feel like you're in a relationship with someone you've never met. when you really are not.

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8 minutes ago, nhraracer90 said:

 

Okay that’s what I’ve been trying, to dial it back and see what happens. She does have a new job but like most ppl lives paycheck to paycheck so I fully understand how being able to survive would take priority over dating. (I don’t currently live paycheck to paycheck but I know what it’s like). Honestly I was doing good not really being involved in dating as I don’t “need” anyone and am generally a happy person by myself 

What happened to this part with the past tense? Stay happy and let this unfold on its own. She can put more effort in and both of you can meet halfway if you want to pursue this. 

Stay busy with other things you have to do and don't put your life on hold for her. I think it's better that you distance yourself and stop looking at her social media. That's what got you addicted to her presence online or elsewhere in the first place. Be more grounded in what's going on in your life and make plans with your friends.

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20 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

What happened to this part with the past tense? Stay happy and let this unfold on its own. She can put more effort in and both of you can meet halfway if you want to pursue this. 

Stay busy with other things you have to do and don't put your life on hold for her. I think it's better that you distance yourself and stop looking at her social media. That's what got you addicted to her presence online or elsewhere in the first place. Be more grounded in what's going on in your life and make plans with your friends.

Sorry I didn’t mean it like I was doing good an am not now. I just meant by not dating I’m doing good if that makes any sense 

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24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I suggest you stop with your habit of communicating for "several months". As you can see, this gets you nowhere except emotionally attached to someone you've never met.

Instead, decide you will only exchange enough messages to set up a coffee meet so you can decide if you'd like to ask for a date. If there's no set plan to meet within a week or two, move on. That way you're not in a situation where you feel like you're in a relationship with someone you've never met. when you really are not.

Thank you 

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3 hours ago, nhraracer90 said:

If she’s pulling back then why does she even text me back at all or want to call/video chat? Asking me for pictures and sending me pictures of her. If I don’t text her for awhile (day or 2) she will always text me apologizing for not communicating with me enough. She still says the “you’re amazing, you’re wonderful and awesome” things. Random “hey you’re wonderful” messages during the day sometimes. I’m not making excuses for her, just making sure I’m not overthinking things here. 

You are new to the dating world after divorce, so you maybe still need time to adjust a bit. Some people will just want your attention. They will be fine with you giving it to them. Even be polite and asking for it when they sense you pull away. That extends not just to messages and calls, but also on dates. There are people out there who would want a free meal or free drinks. But not want to be with you.

I say this because this seems to be a case of that. Of a person demanding your attention. But not very keen on actually dating you. You should avoid "time wasters". Who would generally do that aka just waist your time. And try to find somebody who will date you for real. Because at the end she will find somebody else to give her that attention. And you will be left wondering why you waisted your precious time on somebody like that.

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Why not ask her out again? If she says no or gives excuses, then you let it go and limit contact. The ball would be in her court to reach out when she's ready. And this way you can move on to other people...

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