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Please send help lol - thoughts needed


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Ok, context - I'm 19, F, and I have very little dating experience, this is one of very few guys I have accepted a second date with.

My date shows up sometimes during my shifts since he goes for drinks with friends every Wednesday at my lounge (this was how we met). Something that has largely complicated my dating life is social anxiety, and sometimes I react unusually to perfectly average social situations due to overwhelming discomfort, dread, fear, etc.  

Recently, my guy came to my workplace for drinks. I'm a food expeditor so I served their table a few times during the night. At one point their server approached me to tell me how he was saying how beautiful my eyes are and how he wishes to compliment my appearence in person. Hours later, he's still sitting at the table with his friends, he has been trying very hard to get my attention, and my server was telling me she doesn't think he would leave until I came over to speak with him.

1 - Am I wrong for being hugely uncomfortable with the expectation i will mingle with him during my work and refusing to approach while he is with his social circle?

- I didn't want to meet his friends. Now that Ive ignored him, I'm feeling insecure in our texting conversations and I'm not really sure if it was a mistake or if he will hold it against me for being afraid.

2 - How to differentiate the ""social anxiety"" from actual anxiety that should eliminate the potential for a relationship? If that makes sense? I'm asking if the anxiety means I shouldn't be dating him. I'm thinking I might have ROCD as well and I'm completely mixed up about everything.

This is somebody who has been hugely understanding so far about my extreme avoidance tendencies and completely irrational obsessive worry that comes out of nowhere, it might be the only reason I'm going out again with him tomorrow. But I don't want to lead him on if this is something that has no chance of working out, even though it does not seem to be a deal breaker for him thus far I don't know *when* my anxiety becomes reason enough to break things off.

Sorry if that was super exhaustive to read my thoughts are super scattered currently 

Xoxox

Edited by willowthebestpillow
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I think you should have gone over briefly to politely say hello. I’m sorry but it is a dealbreaker most likely if you refuse to meet his friends or at least say a polite hello.  I would work on getting help for your mental health issues before trying to date.
 Most people will want you to meet and socialize with their family and friends if things progress to more serious. He’s very kind to accommodate you but you’re expecting too much of him. 
I’m sorry you’re struggling. 

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37 minutes ago, willowthebestpillow said:

At one point their server approached me to tell me how he was saying how beautiful my eyes are and how he wishes to compliment my appearence in person.

It's ok to go out with customers if your work place doesn't frown on it. However it's not ok for him to make a spectacle of you two dating to your coworkers. Ask him to stop doing this or you can't see him again.

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I think you should have gone over briefly to politely say hello. I’m sorry but it is a dealbreaker most likely if you refuse to meet his friends or at least say a polite hello.  I would work on getting help for your mental health issues before trying to date.
 Most people will want you to meet and socialize with their family and friends if things progress to more serious. He’s very kind to accommodate you but you’re expecting too much of him. 
I’m sorry you’re struggling. 

It could be a dealbreaker. But also I wonder why it was so imperative to meet his friends before we've even gone on our second date ever, it seemed early and untimely. Please don't be sorry 🙂🤌

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That guy you're dating seems to really likes you. Otherwise he wouldn't have shown up again on Wednesday with his friends at your workplace.

Enjoy dating him and don't worry about what if's. This is the time to get to know him, see what happens, see if you're suitable.

You're doing something I have done which is to overthink. What if it does work out? Wouldn't that be nice? 🙂

Have a great second date!

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3 hours ago, willowthebestpillow said:

I'm a food expeditor so I served their table a few times during the night....

....Now that Ive ignored him,

Did you actually ignore him when you served his table? Or did you just dodge the meeting of his friends? 

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5 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Did you actually ignore him when you served his table? Or did you just dodge the meeting of his friends? 

Oh I said hello and was friendly as per my usual when I brought their food out - I simply skipped returning to the table l8r when I noticed he was trying to get my attention/summon me over with repeated eye contact throughout the evening.

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6 hours ago, greendots said:

That guy you're dating seems to really likes you. Otherwise he wouldn't have shown up again on Wednesday with his friends at your workplace.

Enjoy dating him and don't worry about what if's. This is the time to get to know him, see what happens, see if you're suitable.

You're doing something I have done which is to overthink. What if it does work out? Wouldn't that be nice? 🙂

Have a great second date!

He's honestly the sweetest 🙂 ill stay positive, thankyou homie !! 

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12 hours ago, willowthebestpillow said:

This is somebody who has been hugely understanding so far about my extreme avoidance tendencies and completely irrational obsessive worry that comes out of nowhere

And you've only had one date? 

I would be more concerned that you're laying this all out for a guy you've been out with just once. It's a lot. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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58 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

And you've only had one date? 

I would be more concerned that you're laying this all out for a guy you've been out with just once. It's a lot. 

It would quickly become overkill to provide every detail so I picked and chose the context I would provide in this post 🤔 thanks for the concern! 

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26 minutes ago, willowthebestpillow said:

It would quickly become overkill to provide every detail so I picked and chose the context I would provide in this post 🤔 thanks for the concern! 

But it has only been one date, is that correct? 

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29 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

But it has only been one date, is that correct? 

Pardon me for saying so, but I feel like I'm repeating myself at this point? Is that a rhetorical question? I don't really understand the relevance

I'm pretty new to this community too although sometimes the forum responses feel almost hostile (key word here: feel 🤔 )

Maybe it will make more sense once I get sleep 

It's been enough for me to be friends with this guy for the past month and a half, it's been a nice transition; strangers to friends and now the potential for something romantic has returned. Post-first date I turned him down for a second date because of how much anxiety I was experiencing at that time and we opted for friendship and texting casually for awhile instead of meeting up anymore. 

Call me crazy, I'll save you the trouble of wondering if I'm emotionally invested after ""one date,,,, or not though, it's a yes, one month+ of flirting via text does that to me 😇

 

*insert the sassy footnote I'm currently too tired to construct*

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1 hour ago, willowthebestpillow said:

Pardon me for saying so, but I feel like I'm repeating myself at this point? Is that a rhetorical question? I don't really understand the relevance

No, it is not a rhetorical question. 

You said there were far more details to this story, so I wondered if you had met him previously under other circumstances or some such thing. 

It was a question to clarify. No need to go on the defensive. 

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Agree it would have been nice to say a quick hello to his friends. But obviously you cannot be expected to mingle with them every week when they join him in your lounge as you are busy with your job and it doesn't look good if you are over familiar with customers. And I can understand how although your guy was probably trying to be cute all the attention seeking made you feel uncomfortable and made you feel social pressure. 

Everyone has potential for a relationship. Your anxiety shouldn't define you or the relationship. Obviously it is helpful for him to understand your anxiety makes you act in certain ways in certain situations but he shouldn't be your therapist. Focus on getting to know him and having fun together. He seems to like you a lot. 

 

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1 hour ago, willowthebestpillow said:

 I turned him down for a second date because of how much anxiety I was experiencing at that time and we opted for friendship 

It seems wise not to date customers. Especially customers who make inappropriate remarks about you to your coworkers.

That's not anxiety that's you feeling creeped out by this.

A table full of guys flirting with female wait staff is old as the hills.

Treat them like any other customers but don't date them.

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9 hours ago, willowthebestpillow said:

Oh I said hello and was friendly as per my usual when I brought their food out - I simply skipped returning to the table l8r when I noticed he was trying to get my attention/summon me over with repeated eye contact throughout the evening.

I think you're fine. You were at work and busy. It's really not the best time for introductions. Have you spoken to him since, and has he brought it up? 

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If they’re a new group of people it’s natural to feel slightly uncomfortable or anxious. Be your professional self and loosen up a little around them if they come into the restaurant. You’re working so keep tending to your work. It’ll be good practice for you staying focused while being friendly to customers. 

What other reasons are there that suggest he’s not someone you’d date? See anything you don’t like? 

 

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53 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

If they’re a new group of people it’s natural to feel slightly uncomfortable or anxious. Be your professional self and loosen up a little around them if they come into the restaurant. You’re working so keep tending to your work. It’ll be good practice for you staying focused while being friendly to customers. 

What other reasons are there that suggest he’s not someone you’d date? See anything you don’t like? 

 

Honestly aside from this there hasn't been any serious red flags 🤔 he's been very chill about moving at the pace I set and his personality is amazing. He presented himself with a little bit of arrogance at first and it was unflattering on him to condescend to people who prescribe to anything other than his political opinion, once I made a passing remark though that implied a different stance he dropped the attitude and became a lot more accepting/non judgemental.

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2 hours ago, Jibralta said:

I think you're fine. You were at work and busy. It's really not the best time for introductions. Have you spoken to him since, and has he brought it up? 

We text every other day or so 🙂 after he left my place of work Wednesday, he texted me to deliver the compliments instead 

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Why does he have to go at your pace ? Why isn’t it more of a compromise. Sure it’s fine if he agrees but you’re setting up an unequal situation.  I’d watch out for the arrogance and judgey stuff. Most people who are like that don’t suddenly change. By contrast if a well meaning person makes a mistake and says something that comes across the wrong way you’ll know the person made a mistake because she will own up to it, look surprised , and show some humility and desire not to repeat the mistake. 

I’d find someone who already more or less is on the same wavelength as you from the beginning and who’s first impression is not one of arrogance or being judgmental. 

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29 minutes ago, willowthebestpillow said:

We text every other day or so 🙂 after he left my place of work Wednesday, he texted me to deliver the compliments instead 

Ok. Sounds like nothing to worry about.

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46 minutes ago, willowthebestpillow said:

Honestly aside from this there hasn't been any serious red flags 🤔 he's been very chill about moving at the pace I set and his personality is amazing. He presented himself with a little bit of arrogance at first and it was unflattering on him to condescend to people who prescribe to anything other than his political opinion, once I made a passing remark though that implied a different stance he dropped the attitude and became a lot more accepting/non judgemental.

Wonderful. Enjoy the company. 

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