Please Read, I Need Encouragement.

[August200]

Hi, I don't know what to say. I'm just really tired of being shy. I know what to do, and I know just practice can cure shyness

 

I'm going to talk to someone for the first time, and it's already freaking me out. For the past weeks, I've been making excuses to myself for not trying. Tomorrow I'm going to do it if I have the chance.

 

Please give me encouragement and advice.

[easyguy]

Just have this thing called confidence. I am shy, too (though getting out of my shell). And you know what, I did something a couple days ago I didn't think I could do -- I called up this girl (who's pretty attractive) I like (I think she sort of likes me too, but she's confusing) up and tried to ask her out. Now this is the girl I had trouble even being around and talking to. It took a lot of guts to do what I did. It was the first time I have ever called up a girl. She sort of rejected me but I didn't let it get me totally down.

 

I know you can do it, you just have to believe in yourself and not think of the bad things that could happen. Learn to not care what other people think of you, too, and that'll make things a lot easier. If nothing good happens with a girl I move on and try not to dwell on it. Read the quote in my sig.

 

Perhaps you could give us some more details of your situation?

[August200]

Ok, I forgot to add my situation. I've never talked approached someone I like to talk or anything. I just kept making excuses. If I talk with someone it will be a surprise to everyone and even my friends.

 

Can anyone give me advice on how to force yourself to walk up to someone and talk, even if you feel really scared, (and you realize at the end of the day that you missed your best chance )?

[darkblue]

right the art of appearing confident is just to act casual

 

cool, calm and collected lol

 

just remember that it is only going to show if you let it show

 

so just act cool and if you do like this person you should be confident

 

that's all lol just keep it calm

 

db

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

[elila]

Hey August200, honestly, you just have to do it. You have to approach her with a smile on your face and look confident. It's not easy, but you'll be glad that you did. And remember that someone making fun of you or laughing at you because you approached them is very unlikely- and if that does happen, they're not worth your time.

[easyguy]

You keep making excuses because you lack confidence in yourself, and are afraid of what might happen if you go forward. She isn't going to say evil things to you for saying something as simple as "Hey" (to start). Girls are more friendly than that. You worry too much about what she might think of you. Don't think of her as a GIRL but as a sane human being just like you.

 

I used to be in your very shoes not too long ago. You just need to talk to more girls when you're at school, even ones you aren't interested in. Say to yourself, "I am going to make random converation with 3 girls today." In doing this, for some people, it means stepping out of your comfort zone and stepping into new territory. It gets easier the more you do it, like anything that requires practice.

 

To make an analogy -- If I, an 18 stepped up to the plate at an MLB game and tried to hit a 100 mph Randy Johnson fastball, I would most likely miss it completely. Sure it would hit me hard (no pun intended) for not being able to hit it, but surely if I continued to practice my swing it I'd eventually hit it. Then that would be a new milestone.

 

Talking to a girl you like is REALLY TOUGH, I know. I am sure everyone on this board knows. The only way, really, to get over this fear is to talk to girls on a regular basis. Even if it is just about classwork, school stuff. You have to make an attempt. I'm sure you're a friendly person, and you're friends see that. If they were truly your friends they'd support you and help you out. Are they shy, too? Do they have experience with girls?

 

That's all I gotta say right now, bro.

 

To sum it up in one word: practice.

[rionmccloud]

You just gotta do it. I had the same problem with new people. (Still do with girls cause they scare the hell out of me!) I just would see people I work with that I've never met before and comment on the weather. I'd comment on the job. I'd comment on how I need to quit smoking. The only way you can swim is if you jump in the water right? The more you do it the easier it will get. You got to remember that there really aren't consequences.

 

I ask girls to dance at clubs(of course I have a few drinks in me first) and before I do I think to myself "They won't remember this, and I'll likely never see them again if they say no, so who cars?"

[italianstalian]

i always had your problem........then i found alcohol.......try it...it works.........................bad advice i know...

[August200]

Thanks for all your advice. (btw, I don't drink and did you notice my age?) I think my problem is the first step. That proverb of how a journey starts with one step is my problem... I can't take the first step.

 

A metaphore - You're taking skydiving lessons. You're in a plane with a parachute. You're instructor's yelling at you in the backround to "just jump". You'd like to jump, and know it's completely safe, but you just can't.

 

Each time I try, I quit at the last moment. I hate myself for this. How do you force yourself to do it?

[easyguy]

You can't force yourself to do it.

[August200]

I thought I could force myself. I force myself to do a lot of things. How would you force yourself in the skydiving scene? My problem is that I can't make the first step, which is to walk up to her. I get very nervous, and then I give up with approx 10 feet to go.

[easyguy]

Is she really attractive?

 

Oh and about the skydiving thing -- I would probably jump because I like taking risks.

[August200]

Yeah, the girl I like is really pretty. But that's not the reason why. It's like that with most girls I like. I can't force myself to take the risk, because I'm a coward. I know I'm scared of nothing.

[easyguy]

It's always hard to approach someone when you like the person. I went through the same thing. Every time she walked into the room I got into this other mode where I acted like she wasn't there. There was 1 instanace where she was the only person in the room and I was going through the room and I DIDN'T SAY A WORD. I actually turned around and left the room. I felt really stupid afterwards for doing so.

 

Now I've gotten into talking to her more.

 

You just have to believe in yourself. Nothing bad can happen by striking up a conversation with her. It is going to require you to step out of your comfort zone.

 

And start talking more to girls who are not as attractive. That IS going to help you. I'm not lying lol. And no wonder you can't do it -- because YOU THINK OF YOURSELF AS A COWARD. Stop thinking like that and it'll get easier. Think of yourself as a DAREDEVIL instead. I know it's better said than done, but that's the best advice I have for you right now.

[August200]

Yeah, easyguy, I'm in the exact situation you were in. You sound like me. I messed up the same way you did. I go into the same mode, and there also was this one time too, when she was alone (which is rare), and I just passed her like she didn't exist.

 

My goal now is to approach her, to gain experience at this type of thing. I don't think I'll succeed though. How do I step out of my comfort zone?

[easyguy]

It doesn't matter if you succeed or not. Who knows, you might. You never know if you don't try. As they say, nothing ventured, nothing gained. Even if you fail (everyone does, it's part of life), you always learn from your mistakes and will always get better at it. Wouldn't you feel better knowing that you at least TRIED to put yourself out there like other guys do instead of not doing anything and wondering "what if..."?

[August200]

Wait, just a question for you easyguy. The first time you approached a girl it must have been very, very, very, hard How did you do it? Just force yourself to do it, or did you have some other method.

[easyguy]

Well I don't remember when I first "approached" a girl in that sense. We were both playing at a school concert and we were both chillin in the band room doing nothing. She was sitting down and I didn't have anything better to do than strike up a convo with her about the evening. I didn't really know her at all so it was easy. I continued talking to her every now and then for the next couple of weeks until around Valentines Day when I just decided to go for it and got her a v-day bear just before V-day. Came to find out from her friend that she was already dating someone. I was crushed for that day then quickly got over it. I felt good knowing that I at least did something, even if she was taken.

 

On the current girl I am interested in, who is pretty attractive, I spent 2 months barely saying a word to her. I was so afraid of her for some reason. Then lately I've been talking to her more. I then realized, hey she's human!

 

I learned after a while not to care what other people think of you. Just go for it. In high school that may seem hard, but high school is a small fraction of your life. And after you graduate you won't be seeing these people again.

[easyguy]

Oh and in the span of almost 5 months (since February) I have pursued 4 different girls at school -- none of them got anywhere. Just the other day I called up the current girl (the attractive one) and tried asking her out (sort of). She rejected, but the past is the past already. That's another milestone -- the first phone call. She's the girl who, a few weeks ago couldn't even talk to, the one who I avoided. If I can do it I know you can. You never know if you don't try.

 

(Btw, read the quote in my sig)

[August200]

Hey, thanks for all your replies. Your advice is really helpful. (I don't know if you got annoyed at my questions.) Just to describe my situation in details, I only see this girl at lunch. She sits at another table. She's always with 10 other boy and girl friends. I find it hard to not think about the other 10 people. Thanks anyways.

[easyguy]

Try smiling at her when she looks at you (when she does). I would be nervous to walk up to her and talk to her too if I had a crush on an attractive girl who, whenever I saw her, would be sitting with her group of friends.

 

Maybe you could try and talk to one of her friends about her not during lunch (like in the halls)... like if she has a boyfriend, so you aren't devestated if you go through all the effort to get to know her for that purpose only to find out she's taken.

 

Good luck!

[JRM]

I'm also very shy, but here's one thing that got me a little off my feet without me noticing at first: Do something. What I mean is, occupy your time with something you enjoy (other than video games or tv). Something physical. I joined a weight lifting class in my school, and one of my teachers noticed a change in my behavior, and told me I seemed more open with myself since joined the class and starting to work out. Upon thinking about it later, I realized that he was right. I also got serious with skating, and found myself talking more and feeling better about myself, simply because i was proud of myself for getting better at something. I always loved doing graphic art, and when i took it up a notch with my friends and started kind of a group graphic art/music/skating thing, i found myself even more open to people.

 

 

Another thing that really helped me was just not to care. When I approach poeple, i think to myself at them, "I dont care what you think of me, and I really dont need you. If you arent a good enough person to not unfairly judge me based on appearance or what you consider to be 'cool', then you arent worth my time anyway". The thing is to really not care about what people think of you. When you walk up to this chick and prepare yourself to talk to her, relax and not care about the outcome. Don't treat her like someone you need to survive, talk to her like she's a goddess, blab to her that you like her, ect. Just speak to her as you would any of your normal friends who you can be yourself with. If you make yourself comfortable with her, she will be comfortable with you.

 

On another note, most people really like people who like themselves. Not love themselves and are conceted, but like themselves.

 

Hope you work it out, and please ask us more questions if you need to.

[August200]

Yeah, I know what you're saying. Only this year, I got interested in sports. So I did school sports all year long (soccer, basketball, track). I'm not a superstar in any of those sports, but at least I made the team. I don't know how that affects me with girls though. I still am shy around girls I like, and that's still a problem. I care about what people think about me, and I think that's another of my problems.

 

Does anybody have any tricks into how to make yourself not care about what other people think of you?

[JRM]

This might sound a little funny, but take notice of her flaws. Look at what's wrong with her and kind of laugh at her to yourself, just to reassure yourself that she's a person too, with flaws, imperfections, and insecurities.

 

Try to think up some of your own ways to fit your own personality too.

[Davey99]

Hi

 

All this advice is great, there's not much more I can add but I'll try.

 

I'm 28 and still incredibly shy. BUT I think I'm in the middle of an epiphany... I've got a post on here not a week old about how I can't bring myself to ask this really attractive woman out... Well tomorrow (or the next time I get a chance) I AM asking her out..

 

I expect to crash and burn...But the fear I used to feel has virtually gone. And all the advice you find on these forums IS FINALLY sinking in!

 

I'm not saying you'll be my age before it happens.. But what might happen is if you read a few other posts similar to your situation, you might start to understand and realise?

 

People of all ages have trouble (even the girls). I think my attitude has changed, not from one persons advice in paticular...But from the countless posts that reflect my own (and your) situation. We're all in the same boat Lets start to swim

 

Have you ever heard that saying, 'If I knew then what I know now, I'd do things different' ?

 

Well, I'm 28 and I'm already thinking that!

 

Best of luck..

 

Dave