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Mature Woman Dips Her Toe in the Dating Pool and... Catches a Frog (not a prince) ;-)


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Thought y'all would enjoy this foray into the dating world I had...

Met a guy by accident in a 3rd city (not his, not mine) and he presented me with his card.  After a little bit chatting with him I gave him my card.  Due to unforeseen circumstances and his hot pursuit, we wound up having a very innocent dinner (#1) together.  We coincidentally live a few states apart and I have family near where he purportedly lives.  The next month I went to see family and I had dinner (#2) with him.  The following month, same (dinner #3).  On his part, he didn’t seem to be big on texting emailing or calling between our meetups.  On my part, I expected if he were interested in me he would come to my city and see me (since I had already come to his 2x) and gave him the benefit of the doubt on the communication since we are both in professions that require a high degree of commitment.  So I tasked him with a date (#4) in 2 weeks’ time in my city about 15 mins into dinner #3.  He agreed.  That dinner (#3) was amazing, he was charming and animated and started talking about all kinds of future plans (i.e., “we should do this that and the other thing, can I come with you to see x person,” etc.).  I was a little giddy, I must admit, but I wasn’t willing to give up on the “proof” that he was truly interested in me by coming to me in my city.  We had dinner, walked around the lake in the moonlight, we did not hold hands or kiss.  He seemed a little agitated when we parted but I thought maybe he just had to go to the bathroom (haha I’ve been there).  Fast forward to just before he is supposed to come to my city, I texted him to know if he were coming as I was beginning to make plans.  He texted back that he couldn’t make it (no apology either).  I answered “Ok, bye.”

At first it hurt because I really believed the things he told me, like that he wasn’t married or in a relationship or even seeing anyone.  However it is now obvious to me that I was a belt notch.  Now, I really don’t need folks here to reiterate my idiocy (please be kind), but I just wanted to share because I am an older woman who maybe still believes in human beings’ innate goodness.  At first I was hurt and made it about me, and then I realized he did me a favor by showing me early what a jerk he is.  Here is the letter I wrote to myself this morning when I got up from a deep slumber:

Dear Spinster,

I am SO very proud of you.  You met someone, opened up, and allowed yourself to be vulnerable with him.  Even though he presented mixed signals, you gave him the benefit of the doubt.  You did not betray your standards, even when suddenly presented with beautiful words and plans that were designed to create a fantasy future and elicit intimate relations.  You stayed your course and looked beyond the words for action.  You assigned him a task to demonstrate his worthiness; he did not rise to the occasion; you said goodbye.  Keep doing this, and the one that rises to the given task(s) will win your heart, over and over again.

Moral of the Story:  High Value Women follow their true North and don’t cast their pearls before swine.

If there is anyone in this community that can find some inspiration from my humble story then the time it took me to write this all out will have been well worth it.  Love you all.  Keep loving, no matter what.

Edited by spinstermanquee
take out extra hard returns for ease of reading
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I think you did fine. There's nothing wrong with feeling out a man's potential to be a good partner to you. He showed that not only is he not willing to make equal effort, he didn't even do you the common courtesy of letting you know he wasn't coming. So to shut it down was the right thing to do.

Now, don't be surprised if he contacts you asking you to meet him in his city or somewhere that's convenient for him. Don't fall into the trap of telling yourself you should give him the benefit of the doubt and that you were too hasty in shutting this down. You absolutely were right to cut this off as you have avoided future disappointment.

And yes, good for you for getting out there. 

Edited by boltnrun
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Hot pursuit can be taken in different ways....very interested in you or very interested in sex, or both. I suspect he saw what your expectations were on date #3, only told you what you wanted to hear, started to regret his agreement or never had any intention, and backed off. Me if communication doesn't flow between dates, I take it as I'm an option, not a real interest. Being busy professionals you know how important communication, keeping in touch is right? You had no real priority to him. IMO "too busy" is no excuse.

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17 hours ago, spinstermanquee said:

. . . it is now obvious to me that I was a belt notch.  Now, I really don’t need folks here to reiterate my idiocy (please be kind) . . . 

The fact that he turned out to be a Frog is no reflection on you at all or indicative of anything you did "wrong."  You were absolutely right to give him a chance, and the moment* things started not adding up, you made your exit.

I know well the disappointment of finding out that someone didn't turn out to be the person you thought (hoped?) they were. 

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to never make others' shortcomings my fault.  From the letter you wrote yourself (which I loved, by the way) It sounds like you have a good handle on this.  You did great!


*well, not the VERY moment, but within an appropriate timeframe

Edited by waffle
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Sorry this happened. Just keep dipping that toe.👣

While there are some wolves in sheep's clothing out there, most are not but may simply not be suitable. But some will be. Those are the ones to give a second look at.

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Posted (edited)
On 4/8/2022 at 6:16 PM, boltnrun said:

Now, don't be surprised if he contacts you asking you to meet him in his city or somewhere that's convenient for him

Ha!  Bolt, are you a fortune teller?  This past Saturday was the target for date #4.  He messaged me yesterday (Sunday) with some new contact information, acting like he didn't get kicked to the curb last week (maybe I should have written byeeee instead of bye).  I let him know I would not need his new contact info as he flunked the acid test.  Better luck next time.  My instincts tell me he's in a relationship and I think I dodged a bullet on this one... thank goodness I did not succumb to his charms.

Thank you ALL for your input!!!  <3<3<3

PS:  I blocked him on my iPhone but does that block texts too?  Not sure about that one.

Edited by spinstermanquee
add question
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10 minutes ago, spinstermanquee said:

Ha!  Bolt, are you a fortune teller?  This past Saturday was the target for date #4.  He messaged me yesterday (Sunday) with some new contact information, acting like he didn't get kicked to the curb last week (maybe I should have written byeeee instead of bye).  I let him know I would not need his new contact info as he flunked the acid test.  Better luck next time.  My instincts tell me he's in a relationship and I think I dodged a bullet on this one... thank goodness I did not succumb to his charms.

Thank you ALL for your input!!!  <3<3<3

PS:  I blocked him on my iPhone but does that block texts too?  Not sure about that one.

Not a fortune teller, just lived a while lol. These men are so predictable. It's like there's a "How to be a self centered jerk" handbook or something.

I'm very impressed with how you handled that!

Now for my next prediction...he will wait a few weeks and then try to send you an innocuous text that says "Hello, how are you doing?" That is, if your phone doesn't succeed in blocking him.

And the reason these guys do these things? Because it works on some women. One woman who used to post on here years ago was involved with a man who jerked her around like you wouldn't believe. So she told him it was over. And then he succeeded in getting her back by texting her "hey". That's it, just "hey". 

But you actually have some self esteem, which is fantastic!

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Thanks for asking, Rose Mosse.  Oh I'm sure we could have worked something out.  The main thing was, first meeting neutral, then I went to see him twice.  I needed some indication of his interest so I tasked him with a trip to see me (dinner #4).  And he did not come or even notify me that he couldn't make it, I had to ping him to find out he wasn't coming.  That doesn't seem like interest to me.  We are both people with means so $ would not have been a deterrent.

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