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I ruined my marriage with my soulmate


Komatek
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I ruined my 3 years marriage and 6 years relationship and been divorced 3 months ago. She did not feel valued and respected for years. I was avoidant. I was not emotionally available and was feeling depressed throughout our relationship for personal reasons (guilt over my old father who I felt I "abandoned" by moving to a different country, job below my qualifications). I was also a serial cheater. One day, I felt too much guilt and confessed to her (to one cheating only) without her suspecting me. I also thought she deserved to know. Even after confessing, I was still acting like an entitled piece of ***, sending flirting messages to women, which she found out. She tried to reconcile. Took a break, went on a trip abroad, met someone she started to date (she told him she was already divorced), and divorced me few days later.

It has been 3 months and I am hitting rock bottom every day. It is hell. She was my soulmate. My everything. I can't live without her. I am empty. The divorce took the little sense of self I had. I am consumed with regrets, guilt, self-hatred and remorses. Doing therapy. I am very insecure, have a maladaptive personality and strong narcissist traits.

I have become suicidal over my guilt and loss. I can't accept that I repeatedly did everything to ruin the most precious thing I ever had. While she now feels happy without me. She even shared my number with her new partner without my consent asking me to tell him we were no longer in touch. Being in touch with him further traumatized me.

I can't live with myself.

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At some point you need to accept that you did this and move on to someone with whom you'll be a better partner. 

You are human. You are flawed. And it's okay. Give yourself a tap on the shoulder for seeking help, and just look forward to being a better person.

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Please tell your doctor and therapist that you are suicidal. Immediately.

She was not your "soulmate". If she was you would not have repeatedly and constantly cheated on her. You're just sad because someone who used to worship you doesn't anymore. You lost your narcissistic supply. But working with your therapist can help you through this.

Edited by boltnrun
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Sorry about this. If you are feeling suicidal please call a hotline, your therapist, your family. You've made some bad choices, yes, but your life is a valuable one.  

Not a whole lot can be said to lessen the pain of hitting rock bottom, save for one thing: from here there is only one direction, up, and those who've walked it can tell you it can be pretty profound, even wonderful, though the early days that you're in are brutal. But just as cheating is a choice, so is choosing to walk a different path. 

From where I sit it sounds like you're veering in the right direction. Coming here: that takes guts. Therapy: more guts. Having wrestled with some seriously bad choices myself, some of which I thought would be my undoing, I think of it a bit like becoming more intimate with your demons, so they lose their power through being better understood. In the wake of that, the experience of life, and inhabiting yourself, can really take on new forms. 

Can I ask how hold you are? Do you two have children? Is your father still around? Per your marriage, why do you think you made the choice to cheat?

Seven years ago you were living as you are right now: without her. I say that only to point out a hard fact, which is that you can live with out her. I get that accepting that might feel next to impossible at the moment, as is accepting who you became in this relationship. But it's in accepting all that that you'll be able to make new, different choices. 

Wishing you luck. Keep posting if it helps. 

 

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Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about this. If you are feeling suicidal please call a hotline, your therapist, your family. You've made some bad choices, yes, but your life is a valuable one.  

Not a whole lot can be said to lessen the pain of hitting rock bottom, save for one thing: from here there is only one direction, up, and those who've walked it can tell you it can be pretty profound, even wonderful, though the early days that you're in are brutal. But just as cheating is a choice, so is choosing to walk a different path. 

From where I sit it sounds like you're veering in the right direction. Coming here: that takes guts. Therapy: more guts. Having wrestled with some seriously bad choices myself, some of which I thought would be my undoing, I think of it a bit like becoming more intimate with your demons, so they lose their power through being better understood. In the wake of that, the experience of life, and inhabiting yourself, can really take on new forms. 

Can I ask how hold you are? Do you two have children? Is your father still around? Per your marriage, why do you think you made the choice to cheat?

Seven years ago you were living as you are right now: without her. I say that only to point out a hard fact, which is that you can live with out her. I get that accepting that might feel next to impossible at the moment, as is accepting who you became in this relationship. But it's in accepting all that that you'll be able to make new, different choices. 

Wishing you luck. Keep posting if it helps. 

 

Thank you. I am 31 years old. No child. My dad is 85, and still alive. But I can no longer feel any connection to anyone since my divorce, including my parents. I feel dead inside.

Cheating was about lust, escaping what I thought was my miserable life. It was about filling my existential void and boredom. It was about regulating my self esteem as well, seeking validation. It was about power and conquest as well, hence my narcissism. It was about my deep insecurities. It was never about love. My therapist thinks I am a sex addict. 

I can't accept the person I was, what I did to her, and what I did to myself. I created a false self that has collapsed. I had everything to be happy. I lost everything. I gave her away.

Edited by Komatek
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1 hour ago, Komatek said:

But I can no longer feel any connection to anyone since my divorce, including my parents. I feel dead inside.

Sorry about all this. Three months after a divorce, regardless of the circumstances, are bound to be an awful period. Doubt that brings much comfort right now, but maybe it can be something that you remind yourself of here and there—that it's okay to feel what you're feeling? 

At some point, and it's a point you'll reach only when and if you decide it's something you want, I hope you can find a way to approach all this without so much self-punishment. I say that as someone who is highly skilled at taking hold of the whip and giving myself plenty of lashing, and for whom learning (and relearning) the shortcomings of this is one of those forever parts of life. Self-blame, like self-entitlement, veers into narcissism after all, and you don't need me to tell you there are better places to steer the wheel.  

You got into this relationship young, married young, and, yeah, you messed up a lot. You are not alone in this. To be defined by it—well, that is actually a choice, and I'd say it's not one that will serve you. Given that you've made other choices that didn't serve you, is there any way of seeing this moment as a time to learn new habits? No, I get that's not going to produce instant relief, but at the same time it seems the quest for instant relief has led you down a dark path already. 

You've mentioned your father, but not your mother. Is she around? Were they married? Were you raised thinking of marriage as something critical to accomplish? Boilerplate questions to answer or ignore as you see fit, but from the outside what I see here is someone (you) who forced a relationship when he wasn't genuinely ready for one, handled that really destructively and hurtfully to others, and built some bad habits in the process. Getting to the root is a key step toward new habits, though I can't quite tell if that's something you sincerely want at this juncture. Where you at there?  

Between demonization ("My life is miserable") and idealization ("I had everything") is the reality in which we're all actually swimming around. You are, right now, still in the earliest stages of life. There is a lot of time to find that middle ground and grow inside of it.  

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21 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about all this. Three months after a divorce, regardless of the circumstances, are bound to be an awful period. Doubt that brings much comfort right now, but maybe it can be something that you remind yourself of here and there—that it's okay to feel what you're feeling? 

At some point, and it's a point you'll reach only when and if you decide it's something you want, I hope you can find a way to approach all this without so much self-punishment. I say that as someone who is highly skilled at taking hold of the whip and giving myself plenty of lashing, and for whom learning (and relearning) the shortcomings of this is one of those forever parts of life. Self-blame, like self-entitlement, veers into narcissism after all, and you don't need me to tell you there are better places to steer the wheel.  

You got into this relationship young, married young, and, yeah, you messed up a lot. You are not alone in this. To be defined by it—well, that is actually a choice, and I'd say it's not one that will serve you. Given that you've made other choices that didn't serve you, is there any way of seeing this moment as a time to learn new habits? No, I get that's not going to produce instant relief, but at the same time it seems the quest for instant relief has led you down a dark path already. 

You've mentioned your father, but not your mother. Is she around? Were they married? Were you raised thinking of marriage as something critical to accomplish? Boilerplate questions to answer or ignore as you see fit, but from the outside what I see here is someone (you) who forced a relationship when he wasn't genuinely ready for one, handled that really destructively and hurtfully to others, and built some bad habits in the process. Getting to the root is a key step toward new habits, though I can't quite tell if that's something you sincerely want at this juncture. Where you at there?  

Between demonization ("My life is miserable") and idealization ("I had everything") is the reality in which we're all actually swimming around. You are, right now, still in the earliest stages of life. There is a lot of time to find that middle ground and grow inside of it.  

Really appreciate your insights. 

I should have never gotten married that young, or in those conditions, which I shared with my ex-wife. My parents are married. I was overprotected as a kid, which probably did not help me develop a functional personality. 

What is truly tragic is that, I gradually - but too late - realized the importance and value of marriage. By that time, she already made up her mind about leaving me. 

I am learning tremendously about myself through this ordeal, and I do want to get to the roots of my self-inflicted suffering, hence therapy. But every time I remind or I am reminded of the extent of my loss - and the missed opportunities - it contributes to a state of endless self-blame, regrets, self-hatred and guilt. While being in the most unstable place in my life. 

In the meantime, my ex-wife has fully erased me from her life, including the good that I brought to her. That she sees me just as a mistake, the cause of her hurt or an annoyance only contributes to my pain. I obviously can't blame her. 

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I agree that if you're suicidal, you should see your therapist as often as is possible  (if you can afford it). I'm not sure what country you live in but usually there are suicide phone lines you can call and talk to someone there.  Sometimes there are also services where mental health professionals can visit you. There should also be support groups you could join. Please keep looking after your mental health and even if you need to take medication, there is no shame in that and you do what is best for your health and well-being.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, of course you're hurting because you lost your wife. I don't mean to be harsh but I think you also need to take some responsibility for what you were doing. It's common to have mental health issues and many people have them, but you can't just blame your mental health on your cheating. You obviously knew that cheating is bad and you shouldn't do it, but you kept doing it. Understandably your wife wasn't OK with this. I think you need to think about why you were doing this and work on it with your therapist. Most people wouldn't be fine with you cheating so if you want to be in a relationship in future, you need to get this under control.

I'm not really sure that you were that in love with your ex-wife. I don't see why you'd be cheating all the time if you were. I know you're grieving losing her right now but as you heal you might realise that maybe you did this for a reason. Maybe you weren't as invested in your marriage as you thought you were.

Edited by Tinydance
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I see no benefit in comparing your progress with your ex’s. 
 

What are you doing going forward so you won’t be that unavailable, cheating person to the next person who means something to you? 
 

I agree with the others, being able to identify things you would do differently next time is super valuable insight. Next step, act on it. 

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