I'm pregnant but not sure if this relationship will work out

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman in my late 30's and my partner is a guy in his early 40's. I've been dating him for just over three months, but I also dated him briefly 20 years ago and then lost touch with him until last year. I've been in a few serious relationships before and been engaged. He has been in one serious relationship before for about 6 years and he was married to that woman. I actually know this woman, she's an acquaintance of mine that I got to know before I ran into my partner again after 20 years. 

His ex-wife has really bad mental health issues and in their marriage she didn't work, didn't take any care of their pets and didn't do much around the house. My partner did everything.

My partner told me that although he hadn't been diagnosed, he suspects that he has high functioning autism. I have actually noticed this because he gets sensory overload, is a fussy eater, interrupts people. But overall he's a nice and kind person and even his ex-wife only had good things to say about him and highly recommended him to me lol

My partner had been very sweet to me, giving massages, cooking for me, buying gifts I like, writing me poetry and songs, making origami for me, things like that. Our sexual chemistry is also incredible and this led to an unplanned pregnancy only 2.5 months into us dating each other. Right now I'm nearly 8 weeks pregnant.

My partner was really happy and excited about the baby and definitely wanted to have it and be with me. We said to each other that we love each other.

There is a huge problem however and that's that I feel really uncomfortable about his relationship with his mother. I think his relationship with his mother seems very co-dependent and inappropriate. 

His parents knocked off his grandmother's house and built two houses on the land. My partner had lived with housemates or his wife before, but thus time he moved into the house right next door to his parents to "help" them. This was just before we started dating.

I straight away noticed that something was going on with his relationship with the mother. His father is from Asia but his Mum is Caucasian Westerner. The Dad has actually never been an issue, it's the Mum. Every time I was over at his house, his Mum kept coming over, usually unannounced and often not even knocking. She would just come in (the door was unlocked or she opened it with her keys). I also noticed that sometimes she came in the house while he wasn't even there. One time we went out and when we came back, we saw signs that she'd been there. She said she came in because  "the dogs were barking", but she never told us about it.

His Mum would also call on the phone and message often just to chat, or to ask my partner to go over to her place and help with random stuff. I want to point out that the things didn't seem urgent. One time my partner invited my friends and I over for dinner and his Mum knew we were over. She came over twice and the second time asked my partner to come over and help with something. My partner left us, his guests, for about ten minutes to go help his Mum. One time his Mum came over and rang the doorbell and we were in the middle of having sex! My partner didn't tell her it wasn't a good time but put his clothes on and opened the door to her.

I have already spoken to my partner a couple of times about this and to please have boundaries with his Mum. He did speak to her and she stopped coming in as much, but she still kept doing it. I also noticed that she's messaging my partner a lot and informing her about everything he's doing, where he's going, etc. Also sometimes she buys him clothes.

My partner asked me to move in with him and I felt I really needed to be honest and told him I felt about the Mum situation. My partner was visibly upset but he wasn't rude or anything like that at all. He said that living somewhere else could be an option but he didn't really seem to truly understanding how I feel.

He said that in the Asian culture you have to take care of your parents when they're older. I know he grew up in Asia until his late teens. However as I said, his Mum is white Westerner. And the Asian father has not been any problem at all and never calls or comes over.

My partner said he feels responsibility as the oldest child to help his parents, but he's not an only child. He's one of four siblings.

I really want to make this work and especially for the baby, but I feel like there's nothing I can do? I feel like he's actually fine with this relationship he has with his mother and he's enabling it.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

3 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I really want to make this work and especially for the baby, but I feel like there's nothing I can do? I feel like he's actually fine with this relationship he has with his mother and he's enabling it

Correct. You can't. This is something he has to work on, but he's happy being momma's boy. I suspect he would even give his mom access to a new apartment if you change location.

Sadly, this is a big incompatibility. I would personally abort privately the baby then break up with him. Can't have a family like this and you still don't know everything about him. +Imagine how often she'd come into your house and touch your stuff and your child's. She'd be involved in everything... And, you'll always be his number 2 woman after his mom (yikes).

Had you not had the baby, I think you would have broken up with him considering this big big red flag. So think of that.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

I feel like he's actually fine with this relationship he has with his mother and he's enabling it

Absolutely. He likes it the way it is, and so does she. They are emotionally enmeshed with each other. And if you think it's bad now? Just wait until the baby is born and Granny is barging in all the time to "help." This man sounds as though he has trouble looking after himself, let alone an infant. Having a baby always brings a lot of stress, and you two don't have the foundation to support it because it's all happening way too fast and between two people who are not on the same page in terms of values, boundaries and all the other important things. 

Honestly, I don't see this relationship working out. You two have only been together a couple months and it's already not going well. You are totally different people, and I would bet any money you will wind up having completely opposite approaches to parenting as well.

I would seriously reconsider your options here. 

[Anonymous]

27 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Correct. You can't. This is something he has to work on, but he's happy being momma's boy. I suspect he would even give his mom access to a new apartment if you change location.

Sadly, this is a big incompatibility. I would personally abort privately the baby then break up with him. Can't have a family like this and you still don't know everything about him. +Imagine how often she'd come into your house and touch your stuff and your child's. She'd be involved in everything... And, you'll always be his number 2 woman after his mom (yikes).

Had you not had the baby, I think you would have broken up with him considering this big big red flag. So think of that.

Well I'm not going to abort the baby to be honest because while the pregnancy was an accident, I actually always wanted to have children my whole life. I was looking for a partner to have a family with and I really felt like my time was running out, as I'm in my late 30's. But I agree with you on basically everything you said that with the mother thing going on and that my partner actually wasn't that receptive after our last conversation, it's probably not going to work out. 

I do actually have very strong feelings for him, I know it hasn't been long but I feel love for him. But absolutely the mother thing is a huge deal breaker for me and it's not normal. I'm not sure if part of it is that he's on the autism spectrum and doesn't actually realise that this is really inappropriate, but I don't know.

He actually has a full-time job but because of COVID works from home so that probably allows the mother to keep popping in. She actually has a couple of small casual jobs herself and as I mentioned, has four kids. But one of her kids is interstate, one overseas and one is actually married with a baby, but only comes over once a fortnight. The parents are actually recently separated but only live together for financial reasons.

I live in my own apartment with cheap rent by myself and it's fairly small, but I have a second bedroom where I can put the baby. My parents want to help me as well so I think I would be OK.

[Anonymous]

18 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Absolutely. He likes it the way it is, and so does she. They are emotionally enmeshed with each other. And if you think it's bad now? Just wait until the baby is born and Granny is barging in all the time to "help." This man sounds as though he has trouble looking after himself, let alone an infant. Having a baby always brings a lot of stress, and you two don't have the foundation to support it because it's all happening way too fast and between two people who are not on the same page in terms of values, boundaries and all the other important things. 

Honestly, I don't see this relationship working out. You two have only been together a couple months and it's already not going well. You are totally different people, and I would bet any money you will wind up having completely opposite approaches to parenting as well.

I would seriously reconsider your options here. 

Thank you for your reply. Well, that's right, if he didn't want this situation with the mother to be going on, then it wouldn't be going on. I'm going to have the baby because I always wanted to be a Mum and I'm in my late 30's now.

Also I've had a few 2 year or 2 + year relationships before and while I was open to having children (but didn't try as such), I never got pregnant. In this case I did have unprotected sex but it was only one or two days after my period finished, that's why I assumed it would be fine. But by some miracle got pregnant, even despite my age.

I've done all the routine pregnancy blood tests so far and the initial 7 week ultrasound. *touch wood* All the blood tests came up good and on the ultrasound the doctor said everything looked good and saw the baby's heartbeat. They said the baby is good size for how far along I am and everything is normal. I still need to do a generic screening test to check for abnormalities so we'll see of course.

I think yes, in terms of this relationship working out, I'm not sure, and I know there's nothing I can actually do myself. I can't control my partner and if this is what he wants, that's his choice. I'll assert my boundaries and in that case will continue to live alone and have the baby in my spare bedroom.

But in regards to the baby I feel like somehow it was meant to be?

[Anonymous]

6 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

 Our sexual chemistry is also incredible and this led to an unplanned pregnancy only 2.5 months into us dating each other. Right now I'm nearly 8 weeks pregnant.

 he moved into the house right next door to his parents to "help" them. 

Why can't he move in with you, if you want to be a family?

The real issue is getting pregnant 75 days into dating without knowing much about him.

You're not going to change him or his family.

[DarkCh0c0]

Great. I'm glad you have a support system.

Really consider whether you want to bring a baby without a partner in this world. I know your clock is ticking, but please be sure of this step. The healthiest kids are the one that have happy healthy parents.

Otherwise, you got this!

[Seraphim]

Ok I have an Autistic adult son. Autistics still require support as adults and it is likely his mother has been his support his entire life . I still support my son in the ways he needs. Since this guy was preyed upon by his last partner his mom is trying to make sure the same is not happening. 

Unless you have raised a person with a disability you are not aware of all the people that are out there that abuse and prey upon them or the ableism that is in society. So it’s entirely likely she has an incredibly hard time letting him go into a society like that. 
 

Be aware autism is genetic and you may get your chance to understand this situation and the quandary of both these people. 

[boltnrun]

8 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Great. I'm glad you have a support system.

Really consider whether you want to bring a baby without a partner in this world. I know your clock is ticking, but please be sure of this step. The healthiest kids are the one that have happy healthy parents.

Otherwise, you got this!

This isn't a "happy, healthy" relationship. In fact, it's pretty opposite of happy and healthy.

I think a home with one well adjusted parent while ensuring access to the other parent can be a good choice.

And for the record, I have no reason to believe a person living with autism is incapable of having happy and healthy relationships. I am simply responding to the OP's concerns.

One of my friends married and had children with a man who had suffered a TBI. They have to make some pretty major adjustments but they are doing well.

[mylolita]

Welcome Anon,

 

I have to echo what Seraphim has said - I was going to post such a similar response myself. Your partner is obviously not “badly” autistic, he is probably going undetected and functioning fine, but! I also know someone who is autistic on my mother’s side of the family. We get on absolutely great! He is in a much more handicapped situation than your partner, he really does need help despite being 45 and living on and off by himself throughout his adult life. The main thing is, he is so close to his mum. He looks to her for support, care - he often goes back to live with her if things get too much. There is an innocent and lovey childlike nature autistic people have but, that in turn makes them rely on their caregivers and parents much more than the average person. 

 

Remember as well, his mum feels just as protective over her own son. She always wants to know he is okay and taking care of himself and no one is taking advantage of him. You can see why her protectiveness is justified, especially if he is autistic.

 

I am absolutely no expert at all on autism, I don’t know how it affects your partner. You guys seem from what you have said to have a really great relationship apart from, you are uncomfortable with his mother’s involvement. Why don’t you sit down and have a soft and friendly chat with his mum? Mention his self diagnosis of autism, see what she says. Tell her how you feel, gently. Get her response. To give her the benefit of the doubt, she might not have realised how overbearing she was being. On the other hand; she might be able to give you insight and reasons and then you can also give your side of the story. 
 

No relationship is perfect. People often have trouble, glitches and issues with the in-laws.

 

Also it is best to remember, and, I realise you have decided to keep your baby but, abortion is not a light and easy decision. Even myself, who is not religious, will always, always… always regret, having an abortion myself; when I was 23. And it was with my now husband as well. And we now have three beautiful children. And I often wonder why. Why was I so scared? I can never take it back. I understand you also can’t take having a baby back, and you have to think genetically, and about potentially raising a baby solo which, after having three can I tell you is definitely no easy feat, and I am married! It is a very heavy and serious decision. You sound like you have your mind made up and this is good.

 

A heart to heart maybe, with your mother in law. Get her side of the story.

 

All the best and congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

x

[Batya33]

You didn’t get pregnant because of sexual chemistry. You got pregnant because you had unprotected sex.  You know what they call couples who use the rhythm method ?  Parents!  Lol.  Please know you took this risk. It didn’t just happen. What I would do is have the baby and coparent - hire an attorney if needed to figure out who does what.  Make sure his name is on the birth certificate.  Good luck !!

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

This isn't a "happy, healthy" relationship. In fact, it's pretty opposite of happy and healthy.

Oh I didn't mean the one with the current bf. I meant in general it's best to have a child that has two healthy parents than have one with only the mom very involved and a father on the side. 

[Anonymous]

7 hours ago, Seraphim said:

Ok I have an Autistic adult son. Autistics still require support as adults and it is likely his mother has been his support his entire life . I still support my son in the ways he needs. Since this guy was preyed upon by his last partner his mom is trying to make sure the same is not happening. 

Unless you have raised a person with a disability you are not aware of all the people that are out there that abuse and prey upon them or the ableism that is in society. So it’s entirely likely she has an incredibly hard time letting him go into a society like that. 
 

Be aware autism is genetic and you may get your chance to understand this situation and the quandary of both these people. 

I don't actually have anything against people on the autism spectrum and I don't have a problem with my partner being on the spectrum. Though I'm not going to lie that some things came up which were slightly difficult, but manageable in the big scheme of things. For example, I love talking and connecting through conversations but he would interrupt me and just talk over me, and then change the subject and not even go back to what I was saying. 

I read that some people on the spectrum (not all of course) don't understand the "give and take" of conversation and when it's appropriate to speak or allow other people to speak and so on. So I just mentioned to him a couple of times that he interrupts me and cuts me off. And that it made me feel like he's not really interested in what I'm saying. He said he was going to be mindful of this. Since I've said that, I've actually noticed that he actually does listen most of the time now and he's not interrupting.

The other thing is sometimes when we went out with my friends or somewhere the two of us, he said he needed to change seats or go home because of "sensory overload". Which actually wasn't a problem because he did just change seats or we went home, but we'd already been at the event for two hours by then. Other than that he almost always goes out with me places, also considering he suffers from fibromyalgia.

I think to be honest that him being on the spectrum mostly affects him socially. Most of his life he had lived out of home and he also took care of his ex-wife for 6 years. He also has two dogs that he's had for eight years and a cat for two years and he takes care of them. He has a full-time job and in the past usually worked full-time.

I actually think in regards to caring for someone, it's actually him basically mostly taking care of his Mum. He told me that he loves helping people and doing things for people but I also noticed that he has poor boundaries.

I know doing things for people is his love language but sometimes I think he overdoes it. For example, previously he lived with a male roommate and the roommate broke his leg while trying to push something down into the garbage bin. How do you do that lol So my partner took care of the housemate, did all the chores, cooked for him. This guy was his friend for a long time but when my partner said that he'll move next door to his parents on his own, the housemate got really angry and ended the friendship! It seemed to me that the housemate took advantage and felt entitled to be taken care of and that's why he cracked it.

 

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

he suspects that he has high functioning autism.

Most of what you just described may or may not have anything to do with a diagnosis that has never been made. 

Your real issue is getting along and communication and that you are now pregnant and have to figure out how to deal with his attachment to his mother.

 Be careful not to label quirks and his oddities with all sorts of excuses for not getting along well especially with his family.

[Anonymous]

11 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Why can't he move in with you, if you want to be a family?

The real issue is getting pregnant 75 days into dating without knowing much about him.

You're not going to change him or his family.

Well to be perfectly honest, I did ask him to move into my place but it's quite small. He has two dogs and a cat and my place is just a small two bedroom apartment. Space wise it's probably not big enough for the two of us, a child and two dogs and a cat. Though it's still doable but it's true that his house is better. He lives in a decent sized three bedroom house with two bathrooms. He lives very close to a train station  as well but we both have a car and drive also.

[Anonymous]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Most of what you just described may or may not have anything to do with a diagnosis that has never been made. 

Your real issue is getting along and communication and that you are now pregnant and have to figure out how to deal with his attachment to his mother.

 Be careful not to label quirks and his oddities with all sorts of excuses for not getting along well especially with his family.

Well he said he has always felt "different" and began to suspect he's on the spectrum as he went along in life. He grew up in Asia in the 80's and 90's also and it's possible the autism went unnoticed because he's high functioning. 

I also agree with you that even if he is on the spectrum, that doesn't mean I can't ask him for certain things that are important to me. E.g. Not to interrupt me when I'm talking. I'm happy to be supportive and for example leave a place if it's too loud, but I also have needs as well and I'm not just going to let everything go.

[DarkCh0c0]

1 minute ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Well he said he has always felt "different" and began to suspect he's on the spectrum as he went along in life

So he self-diagnosed himself as autistic and uses this as an excuse to his not so great behaviour?

He needs to get a Dr diagnosis. He may have another condition... Or nothing! Until then, you need to assume this is who he is, and you can't say it's because of autism without proper diagnosis. That's another red flag...

[Andrina]

Since you're having a child with this man, I highly recommend going to couples counseling. You've tethered yourself to a man you didn't know well enough, but what's done is done. A professional can give you both homework and skills to hopefully improve things in your relationship. Perhaps he'll listen to an impartial and educated therapist and make some changes. 

Counseling will especially be important while becoming parents when you two haven't had the benefit of being a couple for several years before this happened. Perhaps you could even try involving his mother in things like going shopping, just you and her, for baby items, and ask her opinion about trivial things. She might come in handy to babysit once in a while so you and your man can have a date night. I definitely would not live right next door to her, however. I'd be inflexible on that matter.

All of this is worth a try, because it's usually better for a child to have an intact family. Of course, if given time and he fails to improve and your love for him is lost, you shouldn't keep him as a partner to sacrifice your happiness. Try sitting down with him and come up with relationship rules, like times where you put your cell phones on silent, etc. Good luck.

[itsallgrand]

He's not going to change. Realistically, if you continue the pregnancy, you will be dealing with boundaries continually crossed when it comes to you and your child. Even if you don't stay together and coparent, he is who he is and that child will grow up around that dynamic. I would expect a lot of "oops, sorry I'm late bringing the baby back for your time, we had to help mom" and "Gee sorry mom did x with the baby, even though we agreed we wouldn't raise them like that, but that's just my family/culture!". 

You could try to avoid some of it with a custody agreement, but it'll be an uphill battle and I think you know that. 

I tend to go to" run!! " when I hear of people so enmeshed like him and who have all the excuses for it, that's partially my bias bc I could never live like that nor be with someone for the long haul like that. Pregnancy complicates it, because now you are tied to that too if/since you want to continue the pregnancy. 

I guess it comes down to if being a mother in any circumstance is more important to you than being a mom with the right guy. 

[Anonymous]

1 minute ago, itsallgrand said:

He's not going to change. Realistically, if you continue the pregnancy, you will be dealing with boundaries continually crossed when it comes to you and your child. Even if you don't stay together and coparent, he is who he is and that child will grow up around that dynamic. I would expect a lot of "oops, sorry I'm late bringing the baby back for your time, we had to help mom" and "Gee sorry mom did x with the baby, even though we agreed we wouldn't raise them like that, but that's just my family/culture!". 

You could try to avoid some of it with a custody agreement, but it'll be an uphill battle and I think you know that. 

I tend to go to" run!! " when I hear of people so enmeshed like him and who have all the excuses for it, that's partially my bias bc I could never live like that nor be with someone for the long haul like that. Pregnancy complicates it, because now you are tied to that too if/since you want to continue the pregnancy. 

I guess it comes down to if being a mother in any circumstance is more important to you than being a mom with the right guy. 

Well I know that he's not going to change so that's why I basically realised that the mother situation might be permanent. I think also another big problem is yes his boundaries are quite poor, he doesn't seem to realise social conventions or social expectations very well. I think the boundaries thing is across the board with a few things and not just his Mum.

Here are some examples:

His dog is naughty and he said she eats non edible things like papers, tissues, steals underwear. She stole my underwear once and took it outside and she also ate a greeting card which was really special to me and my partner knew I was upset about it. Then another time his dog grabbed a roll of toilet paper and he said: "Oh, I'll just let her have it because it's not bad for her to eat toilet paper". And I said, no, you have to grab it off her and tell her off because you're making her think it's OK to do this. And next time she'll eat some important documents or something like that.

One time he was doing a counselling session over the phone and he'd told his parents he'd cook dinner for them, so his Dad came in. So halfway through the counselling session he just hung up the call. I said, why didn't you just ask your Dad to come back in 30 minutes and let you finish?

He runs a Dungeons and Dragons game every Saturday but I socialise a lot so I said to him a couple of times that I had something on a Saturday and he was welcome to join me. And he was like, OK, I'll cancel Dungeons and Dragons and twice he cancelled it. I said to him: "Look, don't cancel it because you're the Dungeon Master and you have five people playing and relying on you to play the game. You have the schedule with them to play so don't just cancel it just for me". So after that he didn't cancel it anymore.

I have noticed that there seems to be some kind of issue with him where he either doesnt understand and/or can't say no to people. For example, when his Mum would call him on the phone and I was there, sometimes he'd leave me and go next door to help her. But really he should say he's busy and he'll do it later. It seems like a real no brainer to me but he doesn't seem to be able to understand this. The same thing with everything else I just mentioned. It's like, yeah, he joined me in my Saturday night plans, but he also cancelled on FIVE of his friends relying on him to run the Dungeons and Dragons game.

The really difficult thing about being in a relationship with someone who has poor boundaries is you're helpless because it's actually that person who has to assert the boundaries and you can't do anything.

[Anonymous]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

This isn't a "happy, healthy" relationship. In fact, it's pretty opposite of happy and healthy.

I think a home with one well adjusted parent while ensuring access to the other parent can be a good choice.

And for the record, I have no reason to believe a person living with autism is incapable of having happy and healthy relationships. I am simply responding to the OP's concerns.

One of my friends married and had children with a man who had suffered a TBI. They have to make some pretty major adjustments but they are doing well.

I actually honestly think that he's a good guy, he is a kind person, but I do suspect he's on the spectrum. What I said about the boundaries thing seems like a really big problem to me.

[Anonymous]

42 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

So he self-diagnosed himself as autistic and uses this as an excuse to his not so great behaviour?

He needs to get a Dr diagnosis. He may have another condition... Or nothing! Until then, you need to assume this is who he is, and you can't say it's because of autism without proper diagnosis. That's another red flag...

Well, I did notice some signs he's probably on the spectrum but I don't have intentions to just let everything go because of this. I'm fine with some things, for example he's a pretty fussy eater and always just wants to eat the same things. Sometimes he says he needs to move to a different seat or leave while we're out because he says he's experiencing some kind of sensory overload. I'm happy to accommodate those types of things but there are things on a bigger scale, like very poor boundaries and inappropriate behaviour. I'm not going to just let that go.

[Anonymous]

47 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Since you're having a child with this man, I highly recommend going to couples counseling. You've tethered yourself to a man you didn't know well enough, but what's done is done. A professional can give you both homework and skills to hopefully improve things in your relationship. Perhaps he'll listen to an impartial and educated therapist and make some changes. 

Counseling will especially be important while becoming parents when you two haven't had the benefit of being a couple for several years before this happened. Perhaps you could even try involving his mother in things like going shopping, just you and her, for baby items, and ask her opinion about trivial things. She might come in handy to babysit once in a while so you and your man can have a date night. I definitely would not live right next door to her, however. I'd be inflexible on that matter.

All of this is worth a try, because it's usually better for a child to have an intact family. Of course, if given time and he fails to improve and your love for him is lost, you shouldn't keep him as a partner to sacrifice your happiness. Try sitting down with him and come up with relationship rules, like times where you put your cell phones on silent, etc. Good luck.

Thank you very much for this advice, I think it's a good idea. I actually was thinking of counselling myself. I know it's early on in the relationship but it might be a good idea to work on some things. I think setting the rules around some things might be important as well.

I want to also mention that it's clear that my partner is a nice guy, he's kind and loving and always wants to do things for people. He's good to his pets and he's been good to me as well. He cooks really nice meals for me, gives massages, offers to give me a lift (though I drive myself), he showered me with gifts of very thoughtful things he knew I'd really like. He's a good singer and he recorded singing songs for me that I like, my favourite artists. He wrote me poetry lol

I think the trouble is he probably is on the spectrum and he's just not aware of certain things or doesn't understand something is inappropriate. He did actually say he was worried he was going to "stuff up" in this relationship and not know that he did something wrong. I feel like some of what's going on is not intentional but that doesn't help my frustrations lol

[Anonymous]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You didn’t get pregnant because of sexual chemistry. You got pregnant because you had unprotected sex.  You know what they call couples who use the rhythm method ?  Parents!  Lol.  Please know you took this risk. It didn’t just happen. What I would do is have the baby and coparent - hire an attorney if needed to figure out who does what.  Make sure his name is on the birth certificate.  Good luck !!

Thank you  🙂 Well believe it or not I don't regret having the baby part of it. I'm happy about it. I'm growing a little human being and I see it as a miracle. I want to have a child. Now just to try to work around the rest of the issues lol

[Anonymous]

3 hours ago, mylolita said:

Welcome Anon,

 

I have to echo what Seraphim has said - I was going to post such a similar response myself. Your partner is obviously not “badly” autistic, he is probably going undetected and functioning fine, but! I also know someone who is autistic on my mother’s side of the family. We get on absolutely great! He is in a much more handicapped situation than your partner, he really does need help despite being 45 and living on and off by himself throughout his adult life. The main thing is, he is so close to his mum. He looks to her for support, care - he often goes back to live with her if things get too much. There is an innocent and lovey childlike nature autistic people have but, that in turn makes them rely on their caregivers and parents much more than the average person. 

 

Remember as well, his mum feels just as protective over her own son. She always wants to know he is okay and taking care of himself and no one is taking advantage of him. You can see why her protectiveness is justified, especially if he is autistic.

 

I am absolutely no expert at all on autism, I don’t know how it affects your partner. You guys seem from what you have said to have a really great relationship apart from, you are uncomfortable with his mother’s involvement. Why don’t you sit down and have a soft and friendly chat with his mum? Mention his self diagnosis of autism, see what she says. Tell her how you feel, gently. Get her response. To give her the benefit of the doubt, she might not have realised how overbearing she was being. On the other hand; she might be able to give you insight and reasons and then you can also give your side of the story. 
 

No relationship is perfect. People often have trouble, glitches and issues with the in-laws.

 

Also it is best to remember, and, I realise you have decided to keep your baby but, abortion is not a light and easy decision. Even myself, who is not religious, will always, always… always regret, having an abortion myself; when I was 23. And it was with my now husband as well. And we now have three beautiful children. And I often wonder why. Why was I so scared? I can never take it back. I understand you also can’t take having a baby back, and you have to think genetically, and about potentially raising a baby solo which, after having three can I tell you is definitely no easy feat, and I am married! It is a very heavy and serious decision. You sound like you have your mind made up and this is good.

 

A heart to heart maybe, with your mother in law. Get her side of the story.

 

All the best and congratulations on your pregnancy!

 

x

Thank you so much! 🙂 I'm really sorry you had an abortion, that must have been very difficult   😞 I don't want to have an abortion because I always wanted to have kids. I'm in my late 30's so this is a real chance for me to actually have what I always wanted. I just think, why have an abortion and then what? How do I know when I'll ever have a child again? 

Also I'm pro choice but I just thought this about MYSELF only. That if I got pregnant, unless it was from rape, that I would have it. It just never happened ever before but now it has. 

My partner's Mum actually seems nice and she has been friendly to me and very chatty. But I do also feel that she's clingy and has trouble letting go. She told me that she breast fed her kids until they were about five years old! She said she stopped breastfeeding feeding because they went to school and that's what stopped it! I think she's got some unhealthy ways of bonding with her children and her boundaries are poor also.

It's awkward when you're trying to have a chat about issues with the parent because you think, are they going to hate me? Lol But I I do it gently it's probably a good idea.