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Phasing out friends


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Phasing out friends has a lot to do with your life changes, interests, non-interests and certain values. 

I have friends in different categories.  I have a lot of social media friends which include friends who no longer live close by.  Therefore, we keep in touch through social media, some texts, emails and if they happen to be nearby, then we'll get together for a reunion. 

I have some friends who lead very busy lives just like mine so we'll exchange some texts, messages, phone chats, leave voicemails or emails time permitting. 

I have some local extended family members such as relatives and in-laws whom I see regularly.  Internally, I don't agree with their lifestyle but I respect their choices.  My husband's second cousin and her husband drink a lot, party a lot and smoke a lot of weed in their home.  Just because they're nice socially, it doesn't mean we're friends nor do we associate with them.  My husband, sons and I are kind and civil towards this couple.  It's possible to remain peaceful people and socialize within our limits. 

My husband has a lot of cousins, their spouses and their grandchildren.  Some of them are different and again, we may not always agree with how they are but we're nice to them whenever there are special occasions, holidays, weddings or funerals. 

We have a few friends at different stages in life and we've retained our friendships with them for decades.  Some are single, divorced, widowed, etc.   

We have more in common with our church brethren who hail from all walks of life and have different statuses which doesn't matter to us.  Our shared faith connects us together.  We're close to some of them whereas just casual acquaintances with others. 

On a personal level, I can relate better to certain select friends in my life such as my best friend who is a best childhood friend from ever since we were 9 years old and a former colleague of mine who became a recent widow.  We have our different stages in life yet our compassion for life's ups and downs and moral support remains the same. 

I've since whittled down my choices of whom I wish to associate with though.  I've outgrown certain friends and relatives because I am not the same person I was years ago because I have less patience for predictable, disrespectful behavior. 

My MIL (mother-in-law) told me that everyone has their foibles.  While I agree with her,  it doesn't mean I have to subject myself to their "air pollution" nor make myself readily available to those whom I don't wish to be with, period.  I don't have to hear what comes out their mouths.  I truly make an effort to be very careful with how I behave and what I say especially during social settings.   There are certain in-laws and relatives who are sloppy with their manners to the point of offensive which is too much for my husband, sons and I.  These types of people do not get free passes from us anymore.  In the past?  Yes.  Nowadays?  Not anymore. 

As I get older, my patience wears thin.  In the past, I was more tolerant and patient of those who had no qualms to say something highly inappropriate, vulgar, insulting, risque or exhibited consistent boorish behavior.  I don't have to be tolerant and patient anymore.  It's a new day.  My immediate family and I simply avoid those who either don't know how to exercise self control or don't know how to be kind and considerate of others consistently and habitually. 

So yes, life changes, evolves and transforms and with it, certain attitudes change along with it.  With my life, I've since changed my way of thinking.  I'm no longer the same person I was long ago.  I've become pickier and choosier and my life is less stressful because of it.  When I was younger, I didn't realize that my choices dictated my stress levels.  I was naive.  I was too nice to a fault which was unnecessary. 

Phasing out friends (or anyone) is a way to create your peace of mind for the long run.  You are enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself. 

 

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18 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Phasing out friends has a lot to do with your life changes, interests, non-interests and certain values. 

I have friends in different categories.  I have a lot of social media friends which include friends who no longer live close by.  Therefore, we keep in touch through social media, some texts, emails and if they happen to be nearby, then we'll get together for a reunion. 

I have some friends who lead very busy lives just like mine so we'll exchange some texts, messages, phone chats, leave voicemails or emails time permitting. 

I have some local extended family members such as relatives and in-laws whom I see regularly.  Internally, I don't agree with their lifestyle but I respect their choices.  My husband's second cousin and her husband drink a lot, party a lot and smoke a lot of weed in their home.  Just because they're nice socially, it doesn't mean we're friends nor do we associate with them.  My husband, sons and I are kind and civil towards this couple.  It's possible to remain peaceful people and socialize within our limits. 

My husband has a lot of cousins, their spouses and their grandchildren.  Some of them are different and again, we may not always agree with how they are but we're nice to them whenever there are special occasions, holidays, weddings or funerals. 

We have a few friends at different stages in life and we've retained our friendships with them for decades.  Some are single, divorced, widowed, etc.   

We have more in common with our church brethren who hail from all walks of life and have different statuses which doesn't matter to us.  Our shared faith connects us together.  We're close to some of them whereas just casual acquaintances with others. 

On a personal level, I can relate better to certain select friends in my life such as my best friend who is a best childhood friend from ever since we were 9 years old and a former colleague of mine who became a recent widow.  We have our different stages in life yet our compassion for life's ups and downs and moral support remains the same. 

I've since whittled down my choices of whom I wish to associate with though.  I've outgrown certain friends and relatives because I am not the same person I was years ago because I have less patience for predictable, disrespectful behavior. 

My MIL (mother-in-law) told me that everyone has their foibles.  While I agree with her,  it doesn't mean I have to subject myself to their "air pollution" nor make myself readily available to those whom I don't wish to be with, period.  I don't have to hear what comes out their mouths.  I truly make an effort to be very careful with how I behave and what I say especially during social settings.   There are certain in-laws and relatives who are sloppy with their manners to the point of offensive which is too much for my husband, sons and I.  These types of people do not get free passes from us anymore.  In the past?  Yes.  Nowadays?  Not anymore. 

As I get older, my patience wears thin.  In the past, I was more tolerant and patient of those who had no qualms to say something highly inappropriate, vulgar, insulting, risque or exhibited consistent boorish behavior.  I don't have to be tolerant and patient anymore.  It's a new day.  My immediate family and I simply avoid those who either don't know how to exercise self control or don't know how to be kind and considerate of others consistently and habitually. 

So yes, life changes, evolves and transforms and with it, certain attitudes change along with it.  With my life, I've since changed my way of thinking.  I'm no longer the same person I was long ago.  I've become pickier and choosier and my life is less stressful because of it.  When I was younger, I didn't realize that my choices dictated my stress levels.  I was naive.  I was too nice to a fault which was unnecessary. 

Phasing out friends (or anyone) is a way to create your peace of mind for the long run.  You are enforcing healthy boundaries for yourself. 

 

Thanks for your story, I also feel like I've been far too tolerant to those in the past who simply didn't deserve it. I am now a lot more picky when it comes to who to be friends with.

It sounds like we are on pretty much the same page 🙂

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Yes, it's okay to gradually phase out friends from your life instead of an official 'break up.'

When you you've seen less of friends, you had time to think and realize that you have less in common so naturally, you'll lose interest in friends.

Even though they want to hang out with you whenever they're able to see you once a year, it's fine to tell them you're very busy doing other things.  I wouldn't even give excuses though.  I'd simply decline politely.  Sooner or later they'll take a hint and they too, will get the message that you're no longer interested in them.

Your friends are still in their binge drinking and watching TV phase.  You grew up, matured and moved onto a new phase in your life.  Your friends are no longer compatible to you which is very natural.  Your previous friendship with them ran its course and you outgrew them.  This has happened to me as well.

Your friends bitterness and jealousy is a sign of their insecurity.  They can't and won't rise to your level of trying new things, hobbies, meeting new people and focusing on career and fitness so they wish to drag you down by forcing you to join them with binge drinking and watching TV.  Misery loves company.

Yes, they're holding you back by trying to control what you do for outlets.  They don't want you to change.  They don't want you to self improve because even though it is not your intention, they think you'll make them look as if they're sloths wasting away in life.  Your positive actions to better yourself makes them feel uncomfortable and secretly envious even though they'll never admit to it. 

People with the same habits and lifestyles obviously prefer those who share similar habits and lifestyles otherwise they're not one of them anymore. 

Other times, it could be personality and character clashes.  You're not on the same wavelength and can't relate. 

Always remember, many people prefer that you're either reminiscent of them or beneath them; not better than they are.  Whenever you succeed with whatever you do, they don't like it.  They prefer to put you back in your place instead and stay there.  This is human nature. 

I understand regarding how you've never forgotten how toxic and nasty they were when all of you were in your 20s.  Same here.  While I'm a peaceful person,  I've never forgiven those who've wronged me sorely whether it was what they've said to me, wrote or how they acted upon it.  Many times,  perpetrators will attempt to make amends without acknowledgments nor apologies which angers me all the more.  Hence, I'm still civil yet I maintain a deliberate, frosty, polite, well mannered distance. 

Bad memories and not forgiving transgressions actually teaches you several things.  It teaches you to learn how to protect yourself in the future, ensure your safety from getting hurt again and you'll know how to avoid risks at all costs.  Vivid memories remind you to better be safe than sorry.

Don't feel guilty just because they're nice enough to drop everything in order to hang out with you because it is not enough.  It's their other side which foreshadows any good they're willing to give.  Hanging out with you falls short. 

I'll give you an example.  Someone who deceived and betrayed me, recently extended an invitation to meet for lunch.  I texted back with this reply:  "I will GRATEFULLY decline."  In other words, no means no.  It was received well because I was well mannered, politely appreciative yet passive aggressive in a nice way.  They got the message loud and clear. 

Once I've been badly hurt,  I'm never going back.  Innocence had been lost.  Naivete is no more.  I never bite the bait again.  Live and learn.  I've since learned to play my cards smarter.  Once bitten, twice shy.

A 'serious talk' is overkill indeed.  If you initiate this type of serious dialogue or discussion, you'll end up defending yourself because you will be accused of being completely wrong.  They'll gaslight you.  Gaslighting is forcing you to change your perception of the facts and deflecting which is nasty psychological warfare.  An argument will ensue and do you want this?  Save your energy, breath and effort.  Fade away gradually and allow drifting apart to find its own path.  Repeatedly decline politely and with impeccable manners just as I had done.  After sensing that you're repetitively unavailable, they will back off and move on as will you.  It is possible to go your separate ways respectfully and peacefully. 

As you can predict, they won't take you seriously and they'll gossip behind your back.  You'll become a victim of vicious backstabbing.  You are correct.  You know how they are.  Disappear from their lives and they'll do likewise.  Be patient.  It may take some time but eventually, they too will fade away. 

You have to be careful in this information age.  Everything you write or say is recorded, copied, pasted and forwarded.  Trust no one.  Do not create a hot mess nor unnecessary latter stress for yourself.  Beware. 

Since you know two other people have distanced themselves from them, they too have made the choice to carve out new lives for themselves.  It's a very positive step for them and you. 

To be clear, when I say "life changes," I'm not referring to life status such as single, divorced, widowed, marriage, family, children, etc.  When I refer to "life changes," I refer to how you evolve and transform from how you thought and acted during your 20s to now which is a stark contrast.  Your values or what's important to you have since changed which includes your personal preferences, lifestyle, vision for your future, people whom you choose to associate with or not.  It's easier to relate to those whom you can communicate well with and whom you share your same emotional intelligence.  (Google "emotional intelligence" which in a nutshell means empathy.)  It's also a comfort for you to be with those who are similar to you.  Not everyone turns a blind eye to differences.  Many people prefer to be with those who are similar to them and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it!  It's YOUR choice.  You have every right to govern your own life and trajectory.

No matter how nice a person is or what stage in life they're at, if both of you don't have common ground such as mutual interest in each other, mutual psychology in how you think, act and habits, it's extremely difficult if not impossible to ignore and maintain friendships despite differences which bother you.  Internally, you have every right not to agree with how they are.  You have staunch personal preferences regarding whom you wish to socialize with and whom you wish to avoid or eliminate from your life. 

With different stages in life, you change the way you think, your values change for the better as you grow up and mature.  Personality, character, goals, values and lifestyles matter to you.  Never be with anyone who drags you down.  You're not the same person as you were in your 20s.  You view people with a different lens and with more mature clarity.  You've gained seasoned wisdom.  You've learned to discern what's important to you nowadays and your visions or goals for your future.   

You never have to tolerate people who don't deserve it nor share your same values.  As you continue being very picky and choosy with friends, you will discover newfound calming peace of mind.  Yes, we're on the same page. 🙂 

Birds of a feather flock together.  Or, it's better to be alone than be with people you're unequivocally uncomfortable with. 

 

 

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18 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Yes, it's okay to gradually phase out friends from your life instead of an official 'break up.'

When you you've seen less of friends, you had time to think and realize that you have less in common so naturally, you'll lose interest in friends.

Even though they want to hang out with you whenever they're able to see you once a year, it's fine to tell them you're very busy doing other things.  I wouldn't even give excuses though.  I'd simply decline politely.  Sooner or later they'll take a hint and they too, will get the message that you're no longer interested in them.

Your friends are still in their binge drinking and watching TV phase.  You grew up, matured and moved onto a new phase in your life.  Your friends are no longer compatible to you which is very natural.  Your previous friendship with them ran its course and you outgrew them.  This has happened to me as well.

Your friends bitterness and jealousy is a sign of their insecurity.  They can't and won't rise to your level of trying new things, hobbies, meeting new people and focusing on career and fitness so they wish to drag you down by forcing you to join them with binge drinking and watching TV.  Misery loves company.

Yes, they're holding you back by trying to control what you do for outlets.  They don't want you to change.  They don't want you to self improve because even though it is not your intention, they think you'll make them look as if they're sloths wasting away in life.  Your positive actions to better yourself makes them feel uncomfortable and secretly envious even though they'll never admit to it. 

People with the same habits and lifestyles obviously prefer those who share similar habits and lifestyles otherwise they're not one of them anymore. 

Other times, it could be personality and character clashes.  You're not on the same wavelength and can't relate. 

Always remember, many people prefer that you're either reminiscent of them or beneath them; not better than they are.  Whenever you succeed with whatever you do, they don't like it.  They prefer to put you back in your place instead and stay there.  This is human nature. 

I understand regarding how you've never forgotten how toxic and nasty they were when all of you were in your 20s.  Same here.  While I'm a peaceful person,  I've never forgiven those who've wronged me sorely whether it was what they've said to me, wrote or how they acted upon it.  Many times,  perpetrators will attempt to make amends without acknowledgments nor apologies which angers me all the more.  Hence, I'm still civil yet I maintain a deliberate, frosty, polite, well mannered distance. 

Bad memories and not forgiving transgressions actually teaches you several things.  It teaches you to learn how to protect yourself in the future, ensure your safety from getting hurt again and you'll know how to avoid risks at all costs.  Vivid memories remind you to better be safe than sorry.

Don't feel guilty just because they're nice enough to drop everything in order to hang out with you because it is not enough.  It's their other side which foreshadows any good they're willing to give.  Hanging out with you falls short. 

I'll give you an example.  Someone who deceived and betrayed me, recently extended an invitation to meet for lunch.  I texted back with this reply:  "I will GRATEFULLY decline."  In other words, no means no.  It was received well because I was well mannered, politely appreciative yet passive aggressive in a nice way.  They got the message loud and clear. 

Once I've been badly hurt,  I'm never going back.  Innocence had been lost.  Naivete is no more.  I never bite the bait again.  Live and learn.  I've since learned to play my cards smarter.  Once bitten, twice shy.

A 'serious talk' is overkill indeed.  If you initiate this type of serious dialogue or discussion, you'll end up defending yourself because you will be accused of being completely wrong.  They'll gaslight you.  Gaslighting is forcing you to change your perception of the facts and deflecting which is nasty psychological warfare.  An argument will ensue and do you want this?  Save your energy, breath and effort.  Fade away gradually and allow drifting apart to find its own path.  Repeatedly decline politely and with impeccable manners just as I had done.  After sensing that you're repetitively unavailable, they will back off and move on as will you.  It is possible to go your separate ways respectfully and peacefully. 

As you can predict, they won't take you seriously and they'll gossip behind your back.  You'll become a victim of vicious backstabbing.  You are correct.  You know how they are.  Disappear from their lives and they'll do likewise.  Be patient.  It may take some time but eventually, they too will fade away. 

You have to be careful in this information age.  Everything you write or say is recorded, copied, pasted and forwarded.  Trust no one.  Do not create a hot mess nor unnecessary latter stress for yourself.  Beware. 

Since you know two other people have distanced themselves from them, they too have made the choice to carve out new lives for themselves.  It's a very positive step for them and you. 

To be clear, when I say "life changes," I'm not referring to life status such as single, divorced, widowed, marriage, family, children, etc.  When I refer to "life changes," I refer to how you evolve and transform from how you thought and acted during your 20s to now which is a stark contrast.  Your values or what's important to you have since changed which includes your personal preferences, lifestyle, vision for your future, people whom you choose to associate with or not.  It's easier to relate to those whom you can communicate well with and whom you share your same emotional intelligence.  (Google "emotional intelligence" which in a nutshell means empathy.)  It's also a comfort for you to be with those who are similar to you.  Not everyone turns a blind eye to differences.  Many people prefer to be with those who are similar to them and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it!  It's YOUR choice.  You have every right to govern your own life and trajectory.

No matter how nice a person is or what stage in life they're at, if both of you don't have common ground such as mutual interest in each other, mutual psychology in how you think, act and habits, it's extremely difficult if not impossible to ignore and maintain friendships despite differences which bother you.  Internally, you have every right not to agree with how they are.  You have staunch personal preferences regarding whom you wish to socialize with and whom you wish to avoid or eliminate from your life. 

With different stages in life, you change the way you think, your values change for the better as you grow up and mature.  Personality, character, goals, values and lifestyles matter to you.  Never be with anyone who drags you down.  You're not the same person as you were in your 20s.  You view people with a different lens and with more mature clarity.  You've gained seasoned wisdom.  You've learned to discern what's important to you nowadays and your visions or goals for your future.   

You never have to tolerate people who don't deserve it nor share your same values.  As you continue being very picky and choosy with friends, you will discover newfound calming peace of mind.  Yes, we're on the same page. 🙂 

Birds of a feather flock together.  Or, it's better to be alone than be with people you're unequivocally uncomfortable with. 

 

 

Thank you so much.

I think you've completely hit the nail on the head with that post 🙂  I can relate to pretty much all of it.

I feel like I've had a big weight lifted off my chest, here's to the future...

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4 hours ago, jjmufc88 said:

Thank you so much.

I think you've completely hit the nail on the head with that post 🙂  I can relate to pretty much all of it.

I feel like I've had a big weight lifted off my chest, here's to the future...

Thank you for your kind words, jjmufc88.  🙂  I'm happy you can relate to my experiences. 

You will be fine.  You've got this!  Stay strong! 

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