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I'm not trying to excuse or blame others for my mistakes, just want to know if this behavior is hurting not helping.


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Hello everyone, thank you in advance for taking the time to read this and for offering your advice and sharing your knowledge and opinions. Thank you.

 

I am 44 my wife is 43, we've been together for about 25 years. We have two precious daughters 5 and 11. We unfortunately are currently living back with our parents because we are ready to buy a home but I first had absolutely no credit score. (which is now in the high 500's with zero derogatory) and also because I've had some job issues recently ( was at a job 2 years then left, got into an aerospace company for about 6 months then covid laid me off. Got into construction for about 2 months then left to work for a local school district which let me go 2 days before my 6 month probation period ended (supervisor was an unbelievable jerk who currently has 7 open complaints from coworkers filed through the state school board) he found out I had went to an assistant principal to complain about his behavior. So for the last month I have been unemployed but consistently looking. (Allot of jobs, but not many that can cover the cost of living in southern California).

My wife on the other hand has very well paying job with a very big company that she's been at for about 20 years I believe. She also has perfect credit and many zero's in her bank account. (only thing cool about living with parents). She provides medical, dental, and life insurances. She is also permanently working from home and has both of our daughters with her also. I am at my parents which gives her family less to have to deal with but it also complicates certain things so either way it has goods and bad's.

Now on top of all this mess of a situation and to really put everything on another level, I have a substance abuse problem that I've done very little to officially sit down and ask for help. On and off for about 15 years I think. I don't believe I am a full blown street wandering addict but I obviously have not been able to fully stop. I am usually off for a few months, then I end up with that urge and usually do it a few times then my wife starts to get suspicious and she usually catches me with it or finds it somewhere. Usually about once every 6 to 8 months or so. Regardless we have kids and I fully understand the many negative consequences that it causes. The many ways it harms and hurts yourself and loved ones mostly. I have my first appointment set for Thursday of next week to speak with a therapist through our insurance provider.

 

SO, I wanted to unload all of this so everyone can understand all that my wife has to deal with. I've straightened out quite a bit once our daughters were born but before that I put her through the typical issues that come along with drug abuse. Stealing money, lying, not working, getting arrested. Never been the type to cheat or be gone for days at a time or not spend time with her. No domestic violence problems either.

 

So that is all of it. The reason for me posting this is that for all those years of being together anytime I have ever had a problem with something she's done or anything, her first response has always been to get mad. Very mad. And this goes all the way back to when we were fourteen, the innocent days of love and being kids. She has always shown nothing but anger anytime I have complained about something, acted like a jerk for whatever reason, even for asking "what do you feel like doing tonight" or ".... do you feel like eating" 

 

Especially if I bring up something that's she is doing that I am not ok with. She never admits what she's doing is wrong, never says I didnt even realize I was making you feel that way, never even acknowledges that yes she does do whatever it may be. Her first response is always YOU KNOW WHAT, IM ***EN TIRED... LISTEN YOU ***... ARE YOU ***EN KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW... YOU PIECE OF ***.... those are all her typical first words out of her mouth.

 

Lately I've been complaining about her telling her mom every single thing that goes on between us, what I said, what she said, … and I understand she's close to her mom, dad and sisters. My problem is that they are only hearing her side of the story, all the time. Which is then retold to other family members and so on. Also I have heard her family many times say " I've seen how you get when your mad you don't take no *** from him" or "Your crazy how many times did you hit him, ha ha ha, all you heard was smack smack smack" like its something to be proud of. Or like they actually accomplished something. All this is being said and also seen by my daughters. I have been told also that she behaves this way because she wants to teach our daughters they don't have to put up with jerk men.

I know I can be rude or a jerk at times but when it comes to dealing with a real problem or if it's something she has a problem with I hear her out, then say either I did that because … or I didn't even realize I've been making you feel that way. I say sorry and I honestly try to look back at moments that I behaved that way and I try my best to make it a point to myself to not let it happen again.

I do this because I really care for her and I don't want to mistreat her. Or create more for her to deal with. Inside I do it because I truly value her. I know that everything comes to an end someday and terrible things happen unexpectant all the time. I feel inside like its always the ones that seem to matter the most, that end up being taken from you early. So that is always on my mind. Of course this isn't the way it always plays out but for the most part I really do make an honest effort to change.

So by her always responding this way to every issue I have, by her never apologizing for things that are clearly wrong, it has convinced me for so long now that I must not matter to her. I am in no way good enough for her, she truly hates me and everything about me, she definitely would cheat on me, and so on. She is also pretty abusive verbally by saying " you ugly piece of ***, you ***en loser, that's why nobody likes you, your own parents don't even like you..." and on and on. Yelling these things in front of my daughters, her parents. and after when it's all over I rarely hear an apology. 

I've told her that honestly when I get that urge to use, 9 times out of ten in my mind I'm telling myself "*** it I'm a worthless piece of *** right" or "*** it she could care less about me"

 

I know the obvious, that this is an extremely toxic unhealthy relationship. And even though this happens once every other month or so, it's still happening around our kids and it is damaging them in probably many different ways.

I do want to say that she is not her normal way of being. She is actually a very attractive, nice, caring, loving person with many many fam ily and friends who love her very much. And we really do try our best to not do this in front of our kids, and most of the time we have just as much fun, laughter and happy moments just like any other family. We frequently take little weekend getaway trips and do all the fun stuff kids enjoy doing. The bad side to that is by trying to keep these scenes from our kids, that means that problems are not allowed to be brought up. We never talk about things because she goes into "why do you always want to fight in front of the kids" and my response is always "that's the last thing I want to do, we cant just talk about things, calmly and quietly, even jokingly, I don't care"

I just cant understand how someone who obviously has proven yo be smarter than me in so many ways, and somebody who loves our kids so much. Why cant this person see the harm they're creating and at least TRY to change. I truly believe that if it wasn't for this big problem we would be living completely different lives.

I also would like to know if this type of behavior has a name, and hopefully she might then be able to understand it better.

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4 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

I also would like to know if this type of behavior has a name

Abuse is the name. 

But if she isn't willing to take accountability for her role in this toxic marriage, there is not much you can do. And it is absolutely hurting your kids. You are both modelling poor relationship and life skills. 

It doesn't sound salavagable, I'm sorry to say. Weekend getaways or some laughs here and there aren't enough to hold together a very broken relationship. I would explore options for divorce. You bring out the worst in each other and you both sound deeply unhappy.

Set each other free so you can find your peace. 

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She is wise to keep the children away from you. Until you get serious and get into detox and rehab, it's best you're apart.

Your parents are enabling you, as they probably have for a long time. Addicts are parasites. At some level, you know that.

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7 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

I also would like to know if this type of behavior has a name, and hopefully she might then be able to understand it better.

People rarely see that they are hurting others. They either tend to ignore it or find an excuse for their behavior. You telling her that she is abusive or that you are hurt, wont change anything to somebody who doesnt respect you and is willing to verbally abuse you. And from the last thread to even cheat on you.

That you both act like you arent even married(separate homes, separate income) isnt helping either. She knows that she is on top of somebody who is currently without job and is a substance abuser, so she is "excused" in anything she does. I would say to leave but you would need to get your life heavily in order to even do that. But I would say you would probably do infinitely better without somebody who demeans you and puts you in place in front of your kids. So you should work on that instead of trying to explain something to the wall that is your wife.

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1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

That you both act like you arent even married(separate homes, separate income) isnt helping either. She knows that she is on top of somebody who is currently without job and is a substance abuser, so she is "excused" in anything she does. I would say to leave but you would need to get your life heavily in order to even do that. But I would say you would probably do infinitely better without somebody who demeans you and puts you in place in front of your kids. So you should work on that instead of trying to explain something to the wall that is your wife.

I agree.

You best leave her OP. She is abusive and you have your own issues to deal with. Don't put up with her, because when you do you show the kids that it's OK to be treated this way by a partner/love. When it's not.

So if you want to stop this cycle of abuse and work on yourself, I think you need to divorce, put your kids as priority, and get into rehab and therapy. There's another side to the tunnel, and you get there with baby steps. It's good you've decided to work on your drug issues, so you're on the right track. And, I think because you're on a better track you're starting to see the relationship for what it is and how damaging this is to your self esteem. And no, your wife won't change. Lots of damage can't be undone.

So just look in front of you, and work on being in a better place.

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You're really down playing your hand in all this.  Not holding down a job, blaming employers, jumping industries, bad credit, and oh yeah there is addiction involved.

You're wife is not perfect, obviously. maybe she's trying to cope, raising the kids while you teetering in and out of abusing substances, &  being the bread winner. Although why does she have so much money but yet still live with her parents? Are you not seeing this clearly? 

You make it sound like her life is a walk in the park because you don't cheat or hit her. But does she have a partner or someone whose behavior she has to counter correct to keep things somewhat stable and normal for the kids?

This is a terrible situation for the kids. You probably need to live separately so that she doesn't lose custody.

9 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

I just cant understand how someone who obviously has proven yo be smarter than me in so many ways, and somebody who loves our kids so much. Why cant this person see the harm they're creating and at least TRY to change. I truly believe that if it wasn't for this big problem we would be living completely different lives.

Are you kidding me with this? ^^^^^ YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND why she can't change?

Look in the mirror.... What are you changing? 

Until you get a grip on your addiction I don't think much can change. 

And why are you taking getaways and spending money, when you can't afford your own place?

There are many problems here and it's both of you.  You need more help than an advice forum can provide.

But i think the priority is going to rehab. Get out of the cycle of addiction. Recognize you will have to deal with this everyday to make better choices. Get out of the blame game & into working towards solutions. If your wife can't communicate rationally, stop. Work on yourself.  Be the change. If she can't see the changes you make and reciprocate with improving herself, well then it's time to end it.  but that's all going to take time. 

There is no simple answer, as you state here: 

9 hours ago, EddEMM222 said:

I truly believe that if it wasn't for this big problem we would be living completely different lives.

It's more than one problem. But you can only fix your part it in. You're not a victim, you're a participant. 

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Hm, I guess I don't see why she is abusive for name calling and yelling but the OP gets a pass for using his wife's money to buy and use illegal drugs whilst unemployed. AND while he has young children at home.

How is a "therapist" going to help you stop using drugs? Why don't you go into a treatment program for drug users? You're probably under your wife's insurance plan so they should cover substance abuse treatment. 

Then once you're sober, you need to find a job. Of course you're going to have trouble finding a job if you can't provide a clean sample or pass random drug tests. Get sober, then get employed.

And you and your wife should consider marriage counseling. You two are at cross purposes for many reasons but if you want to stay together you need to try your best to get on the same page.

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While I don't condone her behavior, she is clearly at the end of her rope.  How did she get there?

You two are in a toxic dance. You are equally to blame. So where do you start?   It doesn't appear either of you have taken any steps to correct this, yet continue to spiral down the drain and play the blame game.

My guess is you will both sit up straight after you've lost everything.  You'll have gone through rehab just so you can have the privilege of seeing your children, after the fact.  She'll go to therapy alone to deal with all the unresolved anger of her failed marriage.  Your kids will end up needing counseling after having been in the middle of battle ground and not having any examples of what a healthy functioning relationship even looks like.

What is it going to take to get you both off the couch and begin to take this seriously, now?  I wish I had a dollar for everyone who said they have an appointment with a therapist. . in the future.

You post is that of making a case against her, which takes the focus off of you and your issues.   Focus on yours and the dynamic may shift and hopefully she will step up and handle her own,

Edited by reinventmyself
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My husband was out of work for two years because of COVID, and has a 790 credit score.  It's not job dependent.  It is based on you length of credit held, number of accounts held with a debt to balance ratio, and payment history behavior, such as late or missed payments.  So you have a 500ish score because you didn't pay bills, so don't blame your wife.

You are currently an unemployed drug addict, and you want your wife to shower you with hearts and kisses?  Just because you haven't been on a bender where you are gone for days does not mean you aren't an addict.  Try taking accountability for your actions, and get yourself to a rehab.  If I were her, I'd be tired of you blaming everyone else for your choices too, and say the same things to you.

This is very common among addicts though, having family and friends get to the other side, so while I know you want me or other posters to say how wicked your wife is, dude, you aren't doing yourself any favors.

Also, your senses are tweaked, and receptors are completely off, so what may seem like yelling or talking calmly...things aren't as they may appear to what is really happening.  You need to get clean.

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