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Do you believe "Burn Me Once Shame On You. Burn Me Twice Shame On Me?"


Kevin1234
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
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1.  I work full-time in a restaurant business.  I began talking to a pretty woman at work.  I'm 45-male and she is 25-female.  
2.  She is in an abusive marriage and he beats her.
3.  After work, I offered to take her out for drinks and she accepted.  It was Friday.
4.  I'm not a handsome man, sort of ugly and overweight.  So I'm excited to be with her.
5.  We go back to my place and had sex.
6.  On Monday she has a serious black eye.  She said she walked into the door frame.
7.  After work on Tuesday I took her out for drinks again.  She confessed that he hit her.
8.  I told her she can stay at my place while she divorces him.  She said she would think about it.
9.  On Thursday and Friday, she didn't show up for work.  My boss called her but she didn't reply back.  My boss left a message saying that if she doesn't come back to work on Monday she is fired.  She didn't come back to work on Monday so he fired her.
10.  I called her on Tuesday and as I was leaving a message on her answering machine she answered.
11.  I met her at the bar we always go to.  She looked really bad and beaten.
12.  I told her to get her stuff and move into my place so she went home to do that.
13.  That evening I get a phone call from her husband saying to leave his wife alone.  If I don't he will beat the crap out of me.

She had no right to give him my information.
She burned me.  Shame on her.
If I continued to help her and he beats me then shame on me.

But now I'm having second thoughts.  I'm thinking of calling her and telling her I love her.  Maybe I should give her a second chance?

 

 

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Hey Kevin,

 

This is a very tricky and potentially dangerous situation. You need to encourage her to press charges to the police first, she needs to get out of there, well away from him. 
 

Does she have children?

 

These things can end so badly, she really needs to be safe first. It can also be very complicated. There are factors making her stay with him; whether that be the treats of violence, blackmail in other ways or sometimes there is a strange back and forth where the woman is convinced he will change, keeps believing their promises of never agains, still loves them… it can be very messy. The woman herself can be struggling mentally, hence why she accepts such a relationship in the first place, and sometimes both people are very very troubled. Sometimes women of domestic abuse, you know, it’s not as easy as jumping in there and saving her.

 

But she does need to be safe first. Please, beg her to press charges. She needs to be the one who wants to leave because as far as I know the police won’t do anything unless she confirms this. She needs help with getting that courage and she needs to really want to leave as well. 
 

As far as getting into a proper and healthy functioning relationship with you while she is in this terrible situation or after, I’m not sure dear OP. Her life is at risk at the moment, that is the main priority. 
 

You need to go slow and easy with women who have had a very turbulent past like this, if she does leave and want a relationship with you. They may have trust issues, she may struggle with post traumatic stress and other mental health problems, understandably after what she is going through and been through. I am not trying to scare you off or say this poor lady is damaged goods but what I am saying is it may not be an easy and effortless thing. 
 

But I can’t stress enough - it is so urgent she gets away from him properly, forever, and presses charges. You can support her and do this for her and leave romance and a sexual relationship aside whilst helping her with this. She needs a friend at the moment, she really needs help.

 

x

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1 hour ago, Kevin1234 said:

She had no right to give him my information.
She burned me.  Shame on her.

And you had no right to have sex with another man's wife. Shame on you, too. 

This guy sounds like a monster but you had no right inserting yourself into a dangerous marriage, either. Or any marriage, for that matter. What did you think was going to happen? If you cared about her, you would provide her the necessary contact information for a crisis-intervention organization or a women's shelter. Not take her on dates and have sex with her. You had to know that was not going to go over well with a violent husband. 

1 hour ago, Kevin1234 said:

I'm thinking of calling her and telling her I love her.  Maybe I should give her a second chance?

She isn't asking you for a second chance. 

And no, don't call her and tell her you love her. For heaven's sake, man. You saw what happened to her when her husband found out about you. What do you think he will do to her when her finds out you didn't stop? What do you think he will do to you

At most, send her the information for support services in your area who are actually qualified in dealing with domestic violence. Do not continue to pursue her, and make an already dangerous situation even worse for her. Think less about getting your own ego stroked, and more about her well-being. 

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Cripes this woman is is actual danger for her life and all you can think about is that you might get beaten? If you possessed even a shred of concern for her as a person this post would look a lot less like it does and a lot more like ‘help, the woman I like is stuck in a dangerous and abusive situation, how do I bolster her confidence and empower her to leave?’

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3 hours ago, Kevin1234 said:

 That evening I get a phone call from her husband saying to leave his wife alone.  If I don't he will beat the crap out of me.

What you are doing is preying on her for sex. Stop it. You're putting her in grave danger.

How selfish is it to worry about your own butt when she's being beaten to a pulp?

 

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What a roller coaster of emotions...

She is in an abusive relationship. Unless she wants to leave, there is a very little you can do. Her psyche is very damaged due to abuse. Even if you take her back, there is a good chance she comes back. 

You dont "love" her, you had sex with her once. But you have a "white knight syndrome" so you are thinking how you are going to save her and she will love you. But are unwilling to actually get involved in a situation.

Its a recipe for disaster all around. Neither of you should be involved with anyone as you are both all over the place. So unless you are willing to find a shelter for that woman(and not your own appartment where you would take advantage) and find protection, and she is willing to take that step, just leave it alone.

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Your choices and actions likely put her in more danger.  If you cared about her situation you would have asked her if she had called the domestic violence hotline yet or sought out other appropriate resources and offered if she needed to get her the links/numbers.  I've done that for strangers who post in my moms group.  

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Why are you leaping on this abused woman for your own benefit?

You do not "love her", you just think she's your chance for sex and companionship. She's been through enough, don't you think? Don't add to her problems. She isn't capable of making healthy decisions right now. 

She needs family and professional support as well as help from law enforcement. Not a man who's trying to get with her.

If you do hear from her, encourage her to seek appropriate professional help so she can get the care she needs. Back off on trying to get her to be your new girlfriend.

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