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,Hello I have been with my fiancee 7 years and generally are happy she says I really am an amazing man And etc the only things I have seemed to figure out is that she was bored but she never voiced it she truly loves me and the one she cheated on me with is a mutual friend someone she use to find repulsive in my honest opinion she is definitely out of his league and he  can't hold a torch to me as a whole or even a single area he lives with his parents in their garage and basement he has no job he lies and steals he never hold to his word he has no car the 2 he had his parents bought him he is 38 and still failed to launch and even as a friend treated her like she was nothing I on the otherhand have a full time job my own apt a car a truck and 2 ninja 250 one of them I bought her I I am honest I don't like to steal and I despise people who lie intentionally when she cheated she told me only after he had blocked her or Facebook i assume she thought he would tell me eve. Tho we were broke. Up for 1 day at that point they only ***ed once on Christmas once she told me on the phone she didn't try to apologize or anything try to save the relationship she chased after him by going to our friends place where he was and he still ignored her then the day she was  over getting g her things she alerted me to the fact he was outside so I went and we fought she chased him after and later that day she told me he was mad and they are cool and he was going to unblock her but never did we eventually got back together but I have never got answered as to why she did it her answer is she really don't know why 

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If she doesn't know why it means she could choose to cheat again at any time.  And then pretend again that it just "happened" and she doesn't know why.  She may believe you are an amazing man and also feel like having sex with other men.

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I had a hard time following that but sounds like your . . . ex-fiancee?? . . . openly cheated with someone you feel is beneath you.  Except that you were broken up at the time?  And are still broken up?  And she still wants him but you want her back?

edited to add: OK I see where you're "back together" now.  It sounds like you got her back by default because he doesn't want her. Is there a wedding/marriage planned?  I would definitely re-think that.

Edited by waffle
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First off, I do hope you realize 'material items' don't mean a lot in the long run- except to you.

 

3 hours ago, Confusionsconfrontedcer said:

been with my fiancee 7 years and generally are happy she says I really am an amazing man And etc the only things I have seemed to figure out is that she was bored but she never voiced it she truly loves me and the one she cheated on me with is a mutual friend someone she use to find repulsive in my honest opinion she is definitely out of his league and he  can't hold a torch to me

IMO, this is one kind of a mess 😕 .

I would not remain with a fiance who's cheated on me...

And do NOT compare yourself to this 'other guy who can't hold a torch to you'... She obviously fancied him enough!

So --- now what?

And, on top of that, in your 7 yrs together, you say she has never admitted she 'loves' you?  Another thing you can think on... is love is not always in 'words', but actions. ( eg, she cheated on you - is this a show of love?).

Is it maybe time to say enough? Is this relationship done now?

 

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4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

If she doesn't know why it means she could choose to cheat again at any time.  And then pretend again that it just "happened" and she doesn't know why.  She may believe you are an amazing man and also feel like having sex with other men.

No we were together when she cheated she left of Xmas and didn't come back till next day then we had a fight and broke up did not know she cheated but I broke up with her so timeline was she cheated we broke up then after a day she told me about it 

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3 hours ago, waffle said:

I had a hard time following that but sounds like your . . . ex-fiancee?? . . . openly cheated with someone you feel is beneath you.  Except that you were broken up at the time?  And are still broken up?  And she still wants him but you want her back?

edited to add: OK I see where you're "back together" now.  It sounds like you got her back by default because he doesn't want her. Is there a wedding/marriage planned?  I would definitely re-think that.

 

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3 hours ago, waffle said:

I had a hard time following that but sounds like your . . . ex-fiancee?? . . . openly cheated with someone you feel is beneath you.  Except that you were broken up at the time?  And are still broken up?  And she still wants him but you want her back?

edited to add: OK I see where you're "back together" now.  It sounds like you got her back by default because he doesn't want her. Is there a wedding/marriage planned?  I would definitely re-think that.

No we were together when she cheated she left of Xmas and didn't come back till next day then we had a fight and broke up did not know she cheated but I broke up with her so timeline was she cheated we broke up then after a day she told me about it 

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1 minute ago, Confusionsconfrontedcer said:

No we were together when she cheated she left of Xmas and didn't come back till next day then we had a fight and broke up did not know she cheated but I broke up with her so timeline was she cheated we broke up then after a day she told me about it 

So?  She still says she doesn’t know why she cheated and apparently doesn’t want to get to the root of it so she can explain to you why it happened and how she will make sure it never happens again. The timing is irrelevant. What’s relevant is you know she is a person who chooses to break commitments and cheat. Is that acceptable to you ? She hasn’t said she’s changed etc 

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1 hour ago, SooSad33 said:

First off, I do hope you realize 'material items' don't mean a lot in the long run- except to you.

 

IMO, this is one kind of a mess 😕 .

I would not remain with a fiance who's cheated on me...

And do NOT compare yourself to this 'other guy who can't hold a torch to you'... She obviously fancied him enough!

So --- now what?

And, on top of that, in your 7 yrs together, you say she has never admitted she 'loves' you?  Another thing you can think on... is love is not always in 'words', but actions. ( eg, she cheated on you - is this a show of love?).

Is it maybe time to say enough? Is this relationship done now?

 

I actually don't care about possessions that's more of the things and basics needed to be able to provide

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1 minute ago, Confusionsconfrontedcer said:

I actually don't care about possessions that's more of the things and basics needed to be able to provide

You can’t provide to someone who doesn’t want what you’re offering. You’re offering a commitment. She wants to keep her options open. 

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14 minutes ago, Confusionsconfrontedcer said:

No we were together when she cheated she left of Xmas and didn't come back till next day then we had a fight and broke up did not know she cheated but I broke up with her so timeline was she cheated we broke up then after a day she told me about it 

Is this Scriptio continua (no punctuation) translated from another language? It makes no sense the way it is written out here.

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It doesn't make sense to try to compare yourself against someone with whom your lover has cheated, because it misses the point.

It's not about trying to 'keep' the person who has deceived you.

Even if you 'win,' you lose, because you'll live in constant stress trying to figure out when she'll do it again.

Keeping a cheater is consenting to their disloyalty. They'll just get better at hiding it.

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On 4/5/2022 at 1:39 AM, catfeeder said:

It doesn't make sense to try to compare yourself against someone with whom your lover has cheated, because it misses the point.

It's not about trying to 'keep' the person who has deceived you.

Even if you 'win,' you lose, because you'll live in constant stress trying to figure out when she'll do it again.

Keeping a cheater is consenting to their disloyalty. They'll just get better at hiding it.

i hgave heard this ansd know thgis to work but i want to say thank you for saying to me in a way that hits home kinds nice to get a compassionate reply thats also neutral

\

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