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Oh no, another one of the "does she dig me" threads.


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4 minutes ago, waffle said:

The lad has a point, divorce--for example--is overwhelmingly filed by wives.  That's a statistical fact.

I filed for divorce but it wasn't because I wanted the divorce. It just was apparent that we were incompatible and had irreconcilable differences. My husband told me he wasn't going to try anymore but that he would stay married to me no matter how miserable he was because he'd promised to. So I took that burden off of him and filed myself.

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31 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I filed for divorce but it wasn't because I wanted the divorce. It just was apparent that we were incompatible and had irreconcilable differences. My husband told me he wasn't going to try anymore but that he would stay married to me no matter how miserable he was because he'd promised to. So I took that burden off of him and filed myself.

That was my experience and most of my friends' experience too.  Women will leave a marriage because the marriage is over, but men will stay (and the reasons for that will vary widely--financial, kids, etc.).  I've known very few men who filed and the ones that did-- all of them had someone else lined up before filing. 

Edited by waffle
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16 minutes ago, waffle said:

The lad has a point, divorce--for example--is overwhelmingly filed by wives.  That's a statistical fact.

The are other generalizations out there which are statistically true but they shouldn't affect your day-to-day interactions with individuals.

I don't know about the whole "unconditional love" thing.  There should always be conditions.  I mean, what, you should be able to cheat on them repeatedly, harm or kill their child, etc. and you still think you're entitled to "unconditional love"?  There should always be dealbreakers.

From someone who has dumped lots of men in her time, make sure you are an asset and not a liability in a relationship and you should be fine.

I have thoughts about going down the list asking multiple women out for "coffee" who all volunteer at the same place and therefore presumably know each other, too.  Don't do that because we find out and you become the workplace joke.

Hence why I haven't asked anymore out. There were two others that were overly friendly and ended up being married.  I'm talking following me around everywhere and even touching or grabbing my hand when I was asked to pass them something.

12 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes, just be honest with whoever that you're not looking for marriage in any general or specific way.  The "it could happen" likely will mean nothing to a woman in her 30s who wants a marriage-minded man.  (I would never have met or gone on a date with a man who felt that way about marriage - or had any personally negative views on marriage -I did a lot of dating from age 30-39).

Noted. 

10 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

RED FLAG!!!!!!!!!!!

Lmao. 

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14 minutes ago, HemispheresX1 said:

Hence why I haven't asked anymore out.

You can be aware of human nature (I find it fascinating) and generalizations and even specific examples, but it shouldn't dictate your life decisions. 😞 That doesn't sound like a very satisfying way to live.

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Just take a deep breath and one step at a time. First you say you liked this woman, so then have coffee and so on.

No need to plot out a life-plan replete with roommates with benefits etc. If you present as an angry frightened wounded cactus, you won't get far.

You can't think for two people. Only yourself. So first see if the coffee meeting is ok, then if you set aside all these confirmation biases, you can take it from there.

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OK you guys that is such an a misogynistic POV . I know 3 women right now that did not have anyone "lined up" before filing. And they are still not dating anyone. They are way too busy trying to get their lives together. It's tragic that these women have to start all over. I see their heartache. They are devastated. BUT they all got out of abusive marriages, which is tough to do in itself. 

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8 minutes ago, HemispheresX1 said:

That pretty much proves my theory that men stick around because it's harder for them to find someone else than it is for women. 

Hm, I have been completely single since 2011. Nary a date. Where are all these mythical men lol?

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7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

OK you guys that is such an a misogynistic POV . I know 3 women right now that did not have anyone "lined up" before filing. And they are still not dating anyone. They are way too busy trying to get their lives together. It's tragic that these women have to start all over. 

Never said women had anyone else lined up. There are cases of it happening - but in most cases they get fed up and leave. In cases where there's a strong marriage or children involved they may try counseling first but typically once women get sick of someones *** they're out of there.

Anyways I'm not getting into this back and forth again. I've got two I can ask out that don't work together at all, so when I return I shall have at it. 

Edited by HemispheresX1
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4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

OK you guys that is such an a misogynistic POV . I know 3 women right now that did not have anyone "lined up" before filing. And they are still not dating anyone. They are way too busy trying to get their lives together. It's tragic that these women have to start all over. 

I don't know any women who had someone lined up before filing, although I'm sure it has probably happened somewhere . . . my point was that women will file because the marriage is over and not necessarily because they found or hope to find someone else.

 

Edited by waffle
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1 hour ago, waffle said:

I don't know any women who had someone lined up before filing

I know one recent case. But she is a trully "special case". Goes in night life separately from husband and lets guys freely approach her, her day goes by as she gets their kid to kindergarden, goes to work, then to the gym or with some "colleague" to drinks. She had them lined up in marriage so it was no wonder to anyone when she left her husband for one other. But again, a trully special case. She left husband but still pretended to live with him because her godmather- best friend visited her at their home. Her ex husband brought her chocolates for anniversary, she filed for divorce on that day lol

Anyway, there is no real answer why women initiate for divorce more. Some say women have higher awareness to issues, some say men have more to lose during it. It's not that simple issue. We can argue that they both need an "exit" first, in a sense in a sense that they need to have a necessery conditions to leave. However that is more a finance and independence issues.

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The average divorce these days will still often financially cripple a normal guy. 
 

Men are more romantic than stereotyped in my opinion. They feel just as deep and are just as wounded and sensitive as women, they just go about showing it and dealing with it in different ways. There is an idea that men don’t care as much or aren’t bothered as much about working on their relationships and marriages - I find this so untrue. 
 

It is also very true women generally are the ones that file for divorce. Men will have affairs but not want to dissolve their marriages, women who have affairs normally don’t stay in their marriages and do initiate the end. I realise these are generalisations, there are exceptions to the rule but if you live your life long enough you will notice a pattern. 
 

Hemisphere! Daydream away, to me, there is nothing wrong with hoping, wishing, and romanticising dreams and what you want for your future, as long as you are not completely unrealistic and setting yourself up for a fall. How old are you? I’m 32 and have been with my husband for 14 years with three young children under 5 but I know quite a few women in my generation and below who don’t want children. As long as you are honest and open about that you can’t go wrong there. There is a shift from traditionalism at the moment and women are either really holding off on getting married and having children or being open and saying children aren’t for them.

 

x

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5 hours ago, mylolita said:

As long as you are honest and open about that you can’t go wrong there. There is a shift from traditionalism at the moment and women are either really holding off on getting married and having children or being open and saying children aren’t for them.

I think it's more "ok" to say you don't want children especially if you are a person looking for social media validation with all the clarion cries of "let's normalize ___" meaning let's make it ok to post publicly about going against the grain.  I did things unusually too but only because I had to become the right person to find the right person and got in my own way -not because of how other people assumed that I prioritized my career or loved dating half the planet (and that's fine -I tried to ignore the judgey types and took the long way around as the Dixie Chicks/Chicks song goes).

The OP has made many negative generalized statements about women so I think he can go wrong unless he resolves to reconsider and treat women as individuals with a bit more of an open mind. Wanting a woman who doesn't want marriage or kids is totally fine -many people want a commitment without a legal marriage, many do not want children (he didn't answer if he'd be ok with stepchildren) - but it's not ok to go in to getting to know someone with some of the preconceptions and assumptions he's written in this thread, IMHO.  

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6 hours ago, mylolita said:

The average divorce these days will still often financially cripple a normal guy. 
 

Men are more romantic than stereotyped in my opinion. They feel just as deep and are just as wounded and sensitive as women, they just go about showing it and dealing with it in different ways. There is an idea that men don’t care as much or aren’t bothered as much about working on their relationships and marriages - I find this so untrue. 
 

It is also very true women generally are the ones that file for divorce. Men will have affairs but not want to dissolve their marriages, women who have affairs normally don’t stay in their marriages and do initiate the end. I realise these are generalisations, there are exceptions to the rule but if you live your life long enough you will notice a pattern. 
 

Hemisphere! Daydream away, to me, there is nothing wrong with hoping, wishing, and romanticising dreams and what you want for your future, as long as you are not completely unrealistic and setting yourself up for a fall. How old are you? I’m 32 and have been with my husband for 14 years with three young children under 5 but I know quite a few women in my generation and below who don’t want children. As long as you are honest and open about that you can’t go wrong there. There is a shift from traditionalism at the moment and women are either really holding off on getting married and having children or being open and saying children aren’t for them.

 

x

33. 

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22 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it's more "ok" to say you don't want children especially if you are a person looking for social media validation with all the clarion cries of "let's normalize ___" meaning let's make it ok to post publicly about going against the grain.  I did things unusually too but only because I had to become the right person to find the right person and got in my own way -not because of how other people assumed that I prioritized my career or loved dating half the planet (and that's fine -I tried to ignore the judgey types and took the long way around as the Dixie Chicks/Chicks song goes).

The OP has made many negative generalized statements about women so I think he can go wrong unless he resolves to reconsider and treat women as individuals with a bit more of an open mind. Wanting a woman who doesn't want marriage or kids is totally fine -many people want a commitment without a legal marriage, many do not want children (he didn't answer if he'd be ok with stepchildren) - but it's not ok to go in to getting to know someone with some of the preconceptions and assumptions he's written in this thread, IMHO.  

Hence why I backed away from those statements, yall got butthurt and took it personally. What I was getting at is marriage is far too risky these days to just enter a relationship and be like "yeah I'm looking to get married". It's not a safe thing to bet on unless you think you can spend the rest of your life with that person and vice versa. But most people these days just put a number on it - we've been dating or living together x amount of years so why not get married.  

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Just now, HemispheresX1 said:

Hence why I backed away from those statements, yall got butthurt and took it personally. What I was getting at is marriage is far too risky these days to just enter a relationship and be like "yeah I'm looking to get married". It's not a safe thing to bet on unless you think you can spend the rest of your life with that person and vice versa. But most people these days just put a number on it - we've been dating or living together x amount of years so why not get married.  

Yes exactly my point and the other negative assumptions and assumptions you made about why women fall in love.  My butt is fine, my marriage is happy.  I think people who want to get married very often discuss that as a general goal early on especially at a certain age so they don't waste their or the other person's time.  Generally -not specifically.  I don't know anyone personally who got married for "why not" - that's a terrible reason to marry unless there are certain rare circumstances -like you marry because of a need for health insurance, or a marriage of convenience for a green card which one of my friends did for her partner's benefit (they divorced later on).

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2 hours ago, HemispheresX1 said:

33. 

Ah okay Hemispheres so nearly the same age as myself. You got a year on me max 😉

 

I feel this is very common within our age group. We witnessed divorced parents or divorced friends parents growing up and I think it has made us cautious. Nothing wrong with how you are approaching it at all as long as you are happy and know what you want.

 

A lot of OP’s say they feel attacked in threads. When I came here many years ago to post a question I felt attacked too! I was shocked by how many people who knew nothing of me told me, to ditch my boyfriend who is now my husband and we now have beautiful children! If you feel attacked your feelings are valid. 
 

I think myself included, as should everyone, needs to remember people are concerned worried and often upset, looking for outside opinion. No matter how silly or wrong we think the OP is, first and foremost they should feel friendly and welcoming support, not attack and offence. That’s my ten pence piece because I have been on the other side of this before and felt the same as yourself. 
 

If an OP told me I had made them feel bad I would personally be mortified whether I thought I was in the wrong or in the right and would want to apologise, not attack or defend my position off the bat. Maybe that’s just me. Not saying I’m perfect, I disagree on here like everyone else but this is a help and support forum, not a ‘my opinion is the right one and yours is not and if you disagree with me then I’m gonna give it too you both barrels’ forum! 

 

x

Edited by mylolita
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I feel the same when the OP makes negative comments about women.  In this case I feel that the OP wants to be right so he can rationalize his negative mindset and doesn't truly want input.  I am confused as to why he needed to know whether this woman "digs" him just to proceed to ask her out for coffee or a walk.  She may not even know yet if she does!

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I feel the same when the OP makes negative comments about women.  In this case I feel that the OP wants to be right so he can rationalize his negative mindset and doesn't truly want input.  I am confused as to why he needed to know whether this woman "digs" him just to proceed to ask her out for coffee or a walk.  She may not even know yet if she does!

Is it any help though Batya, to argue points against or for? 
 

You think he makes negative comments about women, he thinks you are being negative, it gets *** for tat quite quickly doesn’t it. I don’t know, is this all in all helpful on a help forum?

 

Not saying it is just you here or that I am immune to this either. Maybe we should all keep it in mind, due to the bad feedback a regular number of OP’s make on the regular.

 

Or do you want to argue they are all wrong all day? 🤪 You need to open up your own debate section!

 

With respect, I know I am also guilty of this too. Putting my comment out there. I think this often about ENA.

 

x

 

 

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1 minute ago, mylolita said:

Is it any help though Batya, to argue points against or for? 
 

You think he makes negative comments about women, he thinks you are being negative, it gets *** for tat quite quickly doesn’t it. I don’t know, is this all in all helpful on a help forum?

 

Not saying it is just you here or that I am immune to this either. Maybe we should all keep it in mind, due to the bad feedback a regular number of OP’s make on the regular.

 

Or do you want to argue they are all wrong all day? 🤪 You need to open up your own debate section!

 

With respect, I know I am also guilty of this too. Putting my comment out there. I think this often about ENA.

 

x

 

 

I posed no arguments nor invited any debate.  Maybe others did.  I did give my opinions and input about his negative generalizations about women.  No right or wrong.  He's entitled to his opinion and I'm entitled to mine that his opinions result in him getting in his own way of what he says he wants. That's not about debate or right or wrong.  There is no such thing. He's not hurting anyone else at all with his negative generalizations and negative mindset about marriage/dating/relationships.  No one has to date or get married or have kids unless they want to, of course!  No right or wrong.

Edited by Batya33
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7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I posed no arguments nor invited any debate.  Maybe others did.  

Look I’m not going to start to debate it with you I do enough of that myself. The OP has made a comment to you all about it, if you think they are wrong then you have every right but often OPs all say the same things when they offer criticism of their experience on here. “Attacked”, “Judged”, “Aggressive” - I hear those words too often from OPs, and that’s only from the ones that actually come out and say anything. Others will think it but not comment.

 

It’s polite criticism here I am not getting at you specifically. Starting to say what is negative speak about women or not and correcting OP’s on what they are saying or how they are saying it or what assumptions you think they are making, wrongly or rightly… I don’t know; it can start to make an OP feel attacked or, in the words of this one, like ya’ll butt hurt? 🤗

 

X

Edited by mylolita
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17 minutes ago, mylolita said:

Look I’m not going to start to debate it with you I do enough of that myself. The OP has made a comment to you all about it, if you think they are wrong then you have every right but often OPs all say the same things when they offer criticism of their experience on here. “Attacked”, “Judged”, “Aggressive” - I hear those words too often from OPs, and that’s only from the ones that actually come out and say anything. Others will think it but not comment.

 

It’s polite criticism here I am not getting at you specifically. Starting to say what is negative speak about women or not and correcting OP’s on what they are saying or how they are saying it or what assumptions you think they are making, wrongly or rightly… I don’t know; it can start to make an OP feel attacked or, in the words of this one, like ya’ll butt hurt? 🤗

 

X

Of course you're entitled to your opinion and perspective on it!

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I think the reason women initiate divorces (and break ups) more often is because they place a greater importance on feelings of connectness and emotional intimacy and when they realize that is lacking/absent in a relationship they become dissatisfied and unhappy.

I myself do not see myself getting married or having kids although I wouldn't rule it out. 

I think if a woman wants marriage/kids in the near future then that is something she should bring up early on in the relationship and if the guy says he isn't sure or he doesn't want that she should move on rather than hanging around to see if she can get him to change his mind. 

 

 

 

 

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On 4/4/2022 at 5:21 AM, HemispheresX1 said:

Women tend to fall in love over time kind of unintentionally as a consequence of finding someone they really mesh with and see a future with. I hate to sound like an ass but they definitely don't love unconditionally like men do. 

This fact is fine with me. 

Your future dating and love life will benefit greatly if you abandon putting much stock in gender stereotypes.  They are certainly not "facts" and you don't need them in your head while you're trying to get up the nerve to invite someone to have a coffee or ice cream cone with you after an afternoon of cat care.  

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