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Why can't I leave?


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Heya everyone, randomly come across this site and looking for some advice!

First off I'm not actually with this man, physically or emotionally, we haven't shared a good moment together in years.

We started dating in 2013, and things were OK to begin with but I had (still do) very low self esteem and tbh I was desperate for a boyfriend at that time. He moved himself in almost straight away. After about a year of us dating, he got fired from his job. And he hasn't had one since. I've begged him over the years to get even something part time so that it would take the financial pressure off of me but he always comes up with excuses for why he won't or can't get a job.

We haven't been intimate in about 5 years, we don't share a bedroom and hardly ever interact at this point. I don't think I ever loved him and at this point, I actually despise him.

Here's the problem - we don't have kids. We don't own the house we live in (rented). We aren't married. There aren't any commitments keeping me here. All my possessions are in my bedroom, all boxed up and ready to go. They have been for about 2 years. I have a place to stay (my sister). So why can't I leave??

He's very emotionally manipulate which I'm very aware about. And I'm suffering with depression. I have this overwhelming feeling that if I left and he did something drastic to himself, I'd feel guilty for the rest of my life. I know it wouldn't be my fault but I also know myself, I know I would feel guilty.

 

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation, or can anyone give advice on what I can do to actually leave?

 

Thanks in advance.

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6 minutes ago, PigeonBrioche said:

We haven't been intimate in about 5 years, we don't share a bedroom and hardly ever interact at this point. I actually despise him.

We don't own the house we live in (rented).

You make the money? But you are both on the lease? Figure out your finances and the logistics rather than focusing on how much you hate him.

For example ask him to move out or get out of the lease and move out. Why stay with family? If you have a job start looking for your own place now.

 As far as your inertia and lethargy, see a physician about your physical and mental health. See if there are physical causes. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

This situation and this BF are symptoms of problems you can address.

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15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You make the money? But you are both on the lease? Figure out your finances and the logistics rather than focusing on how much you hate him.

For example ask him to move out or get out of the lease and move out. Why stay with family? If you have a job start looking for your own place now.

 As far as your inertia and lethargy, see a physician about your physical and mental health. See if there are physical causes. Ask for a referral to a therapist for ongoing support.

This situation and this BF are symptoms of problems you can address.

We are both on the lease but are thousands in rent arrears for obvious reasons. Where we live I can't get out of the lease without the entire tenancy ending and again, as much as I hate him I don't want to leave him homeless.

I don't have the finances to find somewhere new to rent by myself as I've accumulated so much debt in the last few years from just trying to survive, pay necessary bills etc. The day I get my paycheck is the same day i end up in the minus. Renting somewhere new requires a deposit, first months rent up front, moving costs etc which I simply don't have.

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24 minutes ago, PigeonBrioche said:

 as much as I hate him I don't want to leave him homeless.

I don't have the finances to find somewhere new to rent by myself as I've accumulated so much debt in the last few years from just trying to survive, pay necessary bills etc.

Go to social services for help with food, housing, bills, medical care and other needs. He needs to do the same.

You will eventually be evicted and your credit is already affected. So you need to do something.

If he ends up homeless, it's not your problem. He can get social services and they will find him a shelter, food stamps and employment.

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Well to answer you, you can't leave because you have many excuses and a few challenges to overcome. And that is hard. 

But!

Until you decide to get yourself out of this situation, this is in fact your life. 

You don't have kids,  you rent,  you're not married, your stuff is all packed,  you have somewhere to go.  Seems pretty obvious to an outsider.

you let this guy move in and sponge off you.  you don't owe him a damn thing. 

If he harms himself, that is his choice. Frankly, he is manipulating you into continued room and board. 

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Yeah, this is long over done.  

Is time to take care of YOU.  Whatever he chooses to do is his choice. Nothing to do with you.  And you owe him NOTHING! .. You've been way too tolerant & kind.. So, enough!

Get yourself together and just do it!  Stop wasting your life on some useless, meaningless - whatever this is. 

 

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Quote

Why can't I leave?

Change the word "can't" to "won't" for accuracy.

Then make a better decision.

We never get any wasted time back to re-live over again.

So decide how much time you want to waste by avoiding the work involved in moving your belongings and, perhaps, referring the guy to a social worker (who can be found by asking your local hospital for a case worker.)

That's your only obligation to the guy, and if you're concerned about legal matters, ask for a referral to legal aid while you're asking the hospital about the case worker for the guy.

Head high, and let us know how this works out. You might find it helpful to hold yourself accountable to this post to report your progress.

We are on your side

Edited by catfeeder
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22 hours ago, catfeeder said:

So decide how much time you want to waste by avoiding the work involved in moving your belongings and, perhaps, referring the guy to a social worker (who can be found by asking your local hospital for a case worker.)

That's your only obligation to the guy,

Just a followup to suggest that to make this easier on yourself, you'll need to grasp that people tend to step UP on their own behalf once their 'enabler' (research the term) exits the picture.

You have not done this man any favors by assigning yourself as responsible for his well being.

Just the opposite, you've created a false trap for yourself by viewing this grown adult of a man as your dependent.

You'd be surprised how quickly he's likely to rise to the occasion of self care once you drop the parent role. If he hasn't been fooling you all along, then he'll need to LEARN what you've been enabling him to avoid learning.

Head high, and credit this man for fooling you well enough to keep you right where he wants you.

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