Jump to content

Do I Reach Out On Their Birthday?


Recommended Posts

My ex boyfriend and I dated for about a total of 8 months. We were apart of each others lives for about a total of a year. Our relationship was extremely healthy overall. We were each others best friends, we were consistently making time for each other, we had never had any serious arguments. He was consistently buying me gifts and showing his appreciation for me. I had also been doing the same. In just days before the breakup we were consistently seeing each other. We had even had a conversation expressing how we could never imagine breaking up. This introduction is all for preface so that you can understand this relationship was everything but toxic. 

In February, me and him had made plans for him to come over and hangout for the Super Bowl. We had been making these plans for a week and I was very excited because my family was going to be there and just overall I was happy to spend the day with him. The night before I was over at his house and had asked him what time he was going to be coming over. He responded saying something along the lines of "I think I will just be staying home." I wasn't expecting that response and felt really rejected. His reasoning was that he felt tired after his soccer game and had to much school to see me. These were issues he had never expressed before so I felt like he was making the choice to not see me because he really didn't want too. I overreacted and just started expressing my anger, I told him that I was upset and wanted to go home. I also expressed I didn't want him there if he didn't want to see me. Overall looking back at it I was hurt and just reacted in an immature way. Although I do want to note I never said anything that was to extreme for example saying I didn't care or didn't love him. I ended up leaving early and I could tell that he was hurt, it is important to note that he is a really sensitive person. After leaving, I got home and called him and apologized for acting the way I did. He was very cold toward me, in a way I had never seen him do before. I deserved it though, so I sucked it up and gave him the space he asked for that night. The next morning, I reached out saying I loved him and I a sincere apology. I also texted a few times with updates about my status in my day like I normally would. He didn't respond till way later in the day, even after I saw he was active on social media for hours. Again something he would never do, I understood I must have really hurt him. He asked to meet up, which I did. He basically stated that I was "not good for him" and that I didn't care about him or have empathy for him. Which the empathy statement, I could understand from how my actions were the night before. I was surprised he ended it, considering our relationship overall was so good. So, I went home from the meet up and never texted him. 

It took two days for him to contact me. He reached out asking if I was okay. Obviously, I was expecting this since it was such a sudden ending. He continues to contact me all day everyday for a week, but doesn't seem to have an end goal in mind (getting back together). He simply just acts as if everything is sort of normal. I am hurt and anxious so I ask for him to call and basically decide wither he wants me to be apart of his life or to go separate ways because this random texting isn't fair to me. He acts very cold on the phone and tells me that we need to go separate ways. Again, I get off the phone and do not contact him. 

Then two days later I hear from him again. He continues to contact me every night for a week around 8-10 pm each night. We have very deep heartful conversations each night. It feels as if we are actually hearing each other out and making progress in repairing this. He mentions that he felt that he was never listened to in the relationship, and that I didn't truly care about him. I also let him know that he never communicated this to me while we were together which he seemed to recognize, stated he felt that he wished "he had been fairer to me." One morning during this week, he called me out of the blue and asked to work this out and try and get back together. 

We went sort of back to normal the best we could. I saw him for dinner that week and it was great, our connection was still there and I felt the love and so did he, I could tell through his actions. He seemed really happy to be trying this again. The only issue was as the week went on since we weren't "back together" it felt as if both of us didn't know how emotionally involved to be again. We still had not said I love you, or been completely emotionally involved like we were when we were together. But, he was still telling me things like " your perfect for me." One day during this week, he tells me that this is too hard, and its putting to much stress on him and he wanted to end it. He again mentions that I wasn't good for him, just a day after he's telling me how perfect I am. In total us "getting back together" lasted for about a week and a half. I again do not contact him. 

He contacts me the next day telling me he has a ring that I left at his house, and was adamant about giving it back to me in person. So, I meet up with him to get the ring. We have a heartfelt conversation in my car where I express that I really wanted it to work out and just told him I valued all aspects of our relationship. Overall, it was a genuine real conversation. At one point we were laughing and joking around like the old us. He even made the advancement to hold my hand, which I did for the entirety of our almost two hour conversation. But, we still left and I never contacted him again after. 

He contacts me a few days later expressing that he felt he didn't get to say everything he wanted too during our car conversation. He sends me a heartful messing expressing all the things he appreciated about me and our relationship as a whole. Things that I could tell he thought really hard about. It was so nice to hear this. He also told me that he will always love me even if we are not together and that he hopes we meet again in the future. I expressed to him, that I felt I didn't really understand why the relationship was ending because we still were so dedicated to each other. He didn't give me a clear answer, simply just kind of that he felt he needed time to grow as a person. It seemed as if he didn't really know either. The conversation ends and I do not reach out again. 

I hear from him a day later. I have another ex boyfriend (H for just no names sake) who makes social media posts about his life. He reaches out to tell me H made a post saying that he still loved someone and that he always will, me and my ex both knew it was about me.  He expressed it made him feel sick to his stomach that H posted that. I was just getting feed up at this point, it wasn't fair that we broke up and that he's telling me that the thought of someone  else loving me made him sick. So, I told him that he should block H and that was the end of that conversation. 

It has now been two weeks since that conversation and I have put a lot of effort into moving on. I just feel that deep down this breakup isn't meant to be. I still feel his energy in my life and truly feel that he ended it because he was hurt over that one fight and is now "in too deep." I understand I cannot make excuses for him but I do know he isn't the time to express his deep emotions easily or hastily. I do not feel that he really wants this breakup because of his actions and statements after it. I would hate to throw away an amazing relationship and great connection so easily. His birthday is coming up on April 9th and I am torn about wither to reach out. It will have been 30 days on the dot since I will have spoken to him assuming he doesn't reach out if I text him on his birthday. Another important thing to note is that my birthday is April 20th, so it is fairly soon after his. Please give me advice on wither I should reach out, or just anything else you believe I should do 🙂 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My read on this is he lost feelings for you over time. He cares for you and may always care about you but he’s not in love with you. 

If you wish him then be prepared for the same heartache. You’re in denial, or still healing. Things are too fresh. 

 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Tori Lane said:

I just feel that deep down this breakup isn't meant to be.

I actually have the opposite impression, reading your post. 

His heart isn't in it anymore, and he's jerked your chain a few times. When that's happening after only 8 months, it's generally not going to work out long-term. For whatever reason, he doesn't see you as the one for him and while he might have pangs where he misses your attention, his feelings just aren't there in the same way yours are. 

Thus, I would not reach out on his birthday. It will only send you back onto the merry-go-round that will bring you more heartache. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You should avoid "hot and cold" people in general. They make a very unreliable partners precisely because one day everything is great and the other one you are no longer together. 

Also, every time I wanted to be a bigger person and congratulate birthday to ex, somehow I never got the same on my birthday. So in my experience, no. There is no need.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Tori Lane said:

 He was consistently buying me gifts. Another important thing to note is that my birthday is April 20th, so it is fairly soon after his.

How old is he? He doesn't seem really willing or able to be this tied down. He's just not as into this as you were.

So you want recognition for your birthday and reconciliation?

That's not really wishing him a happy birthday, that's you having an agenda.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I also vote no.

All that would do is open up for more contact followed by him YET AGAIN saying he doesn't want to reconcile. How many times do you need him to break up with you? It's totally not necessary to keep allowing him to do this to you.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please do not reach out anymore and also, don't respond to him anymore if he reaches out. You need to heal and it does take time. Every time you chat, it sets you back to zero. Since you really liked him, it will take you a lot more than 30 days to move past this, so be kind and patient with yourself.

He was already checking out before the Super Bowl party. Your big big hint is that he suddenly acted completely out of character and refused to join you and your family for the party even for a couple of hours.  That was him already taking a huge step back from the relationship and your clue that something is not right anymore. It really didn't matter how you react to that. If you had reacted differently, it would have just made it harder for him to end things, but he would have regardless. He was already looking for an exit. So please stop blaming yourself because your reaction didn't cause this break up. He was already out the door.

What you are dealing with is that very difficult situation where the relationship was good, you got along, there was nothing wrong.....and yet.....it wasn't quite right either on his end. That "it" factor was missing and I doubt he can even put into words what that is exactly. The feeling just isn't there.

This is also why he jerked around so much. On paper this relationship should work, in reality, for whatever reason he just isn't feeling it. This has been a long time brewing and the best that you can do for yourself is start accepting that this is over. He wasn't the one. A guy who really loves you isn't going to break up with you out of the blue or just because you got upset about something. Couples argue much worse than that and stay together just fine. He wasn't planning on staying and it was easy to blame you even though he set you up to be upset in the first place.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with this 'hot & cold' behaviour, it messes you up 😕 .

And as for the sporadic contact, is really like breadcrumbs ( little nothings).  And this too, affects you in a negative.

So, is best to just STOP it all.  Be done.

No more being mislead, no more reasons to 'talk' etc.

It could just be that it's hard for the both of you to accept/let go etc.  But, there comes a time you have to.

I also feel that the damage has been done.  No going back now.

It takes time- but I feel it is time... to work on accepting what is and work on letting go. ( so, no contact - and stay that way).  The more you drag it on, the harder it becomes.

Expect no more from him nor him from you.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with all the others.  It would be manipulative to contact him on his birthday. Just let it go.  And if you do and he doesn't contact you on yours you'll be freshly hurt! It sounds like you weren't together as a couple for your last birthday so it's not like there's any sort of tradition.  

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

With more dating experiences under your belt, you will find that when a person truly cares, he will communicate and ask for improvements and wait and see if improvement happens. He just won't bail (except, of course, if it's a dealbreaker like abuse).

You will also learn that once a guy bails so easily, when you get back together, he will repeat that pattern, as the man who treated you like a yo-yo did. No surprise to anyone not close to the situation, like you.

Guess what prevents closure? Looking at old photos and texts from him. Writing a whole wall of text about him. Counting the days to his birthday and typing out a special message to him, and waiting for his "thank you."

He's chosen to not be your boyfriend. Don't let him send you back to square one in the healing process every time he communicates with you. Don't allow yourself to prevent your own closure by staying text buddies with him and holding out false hope. Believe me, ripping the band-aid off now and letting the healing to happen without interruption is the best way to go. Because believe me, when he gets a new gf, and he will, you won't only be shoved to the back burner. You'll be shoved clean off the stove.

Take your power into your own hands, and don't let life just happen to you. Block his number, delete his photos and texts, and it's guaranteed that with each day that passes, you will get closer to the days you will no longer think of him on a daily basis. You'll see with clearer vision that your fate belongs with someone who will want you around forever. Take care.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Whether it's your ex-boyfriend or H, learn to distance yourself from them.  Gradually dissolve and exit the correspondence.  Make communication less and less, brief and briefer.  Eventually, they should take a hint and back off because you'll make yourself unavailable. 

Since you broke up, no, I wouldn't send birthday wishes.  Learn to disconnect emotionally.  This is how you truly move on. 

If H makes you feel ill, unfriend him or hide his posts so you it's out of sight, out of mind for you. 

Don't continue relationships after breakups because it's unnecessarily stressful.  You don't need drama in your life.  Eliminate people who cause your distress.

Protect yourself because no one will except you. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...