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I seem to be unable to keep a woman interested in me after the first date.


KlearKut
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I (26M) have been on a string of first dates, with the clear purpose of getting to know the girl and beginning a Long-Term-Relationship, then marriage and kids. I specifically want to meet a girl that has those same goals and who thinks about the future.

However, for whatever reason, I can't seem to keep them interested in me beyond the first date.

It usually goes like this:

- I meet her online, we text, schedule the first date;

- First date happens, there is great chemistry with lots of hugging and kissing, we both laugh a lot... everything seems great...

- At the end or shortly after... I ask her if she wants to meet again... she says an enthusiastic yes...

- Girl then either ghosts or blocks me after a few hours or days...

Then I have no choice other than to move on to the next...

I mean dating is always cool and exhilarating... but I just want ONE girl. And want to build a future with this one girl.

 

What can I do to fix this?! Pulling my hair out 😞

- I do consider myself attractive enough (the fact I get dates at all is proof of that...), I'm 5'11'' tall, brown eyes, and Am growing out my beard and my hair...

Edited by KlearKut
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Do you talk to her about your plans for the future? The long term part, marriage, kids etc.? 

I strongly believe this is almost always seen as off-putting when you've barely gotten to know each other and yet you're over here thinking about baby names. You can't rush things in a relationship and there is no "guide" on how to figure out which one will be the one to fill your "very specific needs"

also, the energy you're referring to could be faked and you could be the only one feeling it. 

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5 minutes ago, QuestionGuy11 said:

Do you talk to her about your plans for the future? The long term part, marriage, kids etc.? 

I strongly believe this is almost always seen as off-putting when you've barely gotten to know each other and yet you're over here thinking about baby names. You can't rush things in a relationship and there is no "guide" on how to figure out which one will be the one to fill your "very specific needs"

also, the energy you're referring to could be faked and you could be the only one feeling it. 

I used to. But noticed this was a bad idea and stopped doing it. Still, close but no cigar...

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Because it takes many first meets to meet the right person and you're 26 -so you've only been dating as an adult for a few years.  I would also meet people in real life - volunteer work -volunteer back stage at community theater, join a cycling or hiking group, go to singles events, if you're religious go to singles events at your place of worship, ask friends to introduce you to people, take swing dancing lessons.  

You might come across as too full on the first meet.  Also women in their 20s often are meeting lots of people so they may have lots of first meets lined up and click better with someone else.  

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You’re too impatient, it takes time to find “the one.” Maybe these women you dated wanted something completely casual. I believe that you are saying that you don’t talk so serious with them but they can sense it and maybe don’t want the same thing.

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"I seem to be unable to keep a woman interested in me after the first date."

I was wondering how strong is this belief?  Is it engraved in stone?

The reason I ask is that Tony Robbin says we all have stories that we tell ourselves and they are self-fulfilled prophecies.  They are our truths and will always become true.

For example, say a woman believes that all the men that she is interested in just using her for sex.  She has concrete proof, from past experiences.  Her girlfriends say the same thing.  So guess what happens with the next man she is interested in?  He will use her for sex.  It has to be this way.  She subconsciously attracts these types of men into her life.  And if it isn't she will "spin" reality so it is.

If you are telling yourself over and over that you are unable to keep a woman interested in you after the first date, guess what will happen with the next woman you have a first date with?  She will lose interest in you after the first date.

You should watch "Better Bachelor" and "Taylor The Fiend" on YouTube.

Edited by DELETEDPROFILE007
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Which dating sites are you using?

Know that Tinder and other "swiping" sites tend to attract casual daters, while paid sites tend to attract those who are more serious about a solid relationship.

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You never know why those stuff happens. I had one that reconciled with her ex before our date and didnt even told me. I discovered after the date. I am still sure that she really liked me. Even wanted me to contact her later after they broke up again. I just said "Sure" and never did it. So, it might not be you. You get dates, so just continue doing that and maybe you will have more luck.

Also, you chose a very unreliable strategy for getting a long-term relationship and that is online dating. I am guessing they are all generally pretty girls. Even average one has at least 5 of them waiting in line for her. Pretty one? Probably in double digits. Tough competition. Also, most people in general on dating sites are not there for long-term. Hookups, even just validation is why a lot of them are there. Long-term or any relationship isnt on their mind. 

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1 hour ago, KlearKut said:

What can I do to fix this?! Pulling my hair out

I think the sense of thinking it is something to fix might, ironically, be part of the problem. 

What you're describing is a big part of dating: meeting people, maybe only once. This is more common than everything other outcome, people being the wonderfully complex organisms they are. You have to be cool with that.

If you go into it thirsty for forever, or looking at it like a puzzle to solve, you're not just likely to turn some people away but you miss out on actually getting to know a human being. So the "fix," I think, is coming at it from a different perspective.

 

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OP, based on your other recent thread - you really need to dial back the intensity. 

You claimed to be in a relationship and in love with a woman you'd met only one time. While this girl might have gone along with it, you need to be wary of people who dive-bomb into relationships. And you need to be careful not to do so yourself. It's way too much. 

Keep perspective. Otherwise, women will smell the desperation on you and it will drive them away. 

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6 hours ago, KlearKut said:

- I do consider myself attractive enough (the fact I get dates at all is proof of that...), I'm 5'11'' tall, brown eyes, and Am growing out my beard and my hair...

What do you do in your free time? Hobbies, interests? There are a lot of attractive people.

Do you have a purpose in life or is it to just find a mate? Goals? Career? What are you passionate about? Social life? 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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A few years ago I did a lot of online dating. It actually led to a relationship and a few causal hookups. 

Something I noticed about online dating from a mans perspective is this. You don’t realize but, you are putting off a vibe subconsciously without realizing. 

Generally, once I started dating enough girls and lowered my expectations it was much easier to attract women and go on multiple dates. This was because I was more go with the flow and had a take it or leave it attitude.

Another thing, women notice about the types of places you take them and the type of experience they have with you. Like generally, there are going to be women out there that just aren’t going to be attracted, looking for friends, or are just bored. However, meeting someone you have chemistry with and is also looking is going to match your effort and energy.

The problem is it takes time and effort to meet that women. So you need to get over yourself, learn to relax and have fun meeting people. Stop focusing on the end goal and focus on the present moment.

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There's a guy who I've been chatting with online. We haven't met, but he's already put me off by saying he wants someone who'll be integrated into his kids' lives, can be a team with him, keep loyal through all the bad times... It's too much and it's put me right off.

If you're making similarly intense statements or comments about what you want for the future then your dates may decide likewise. 

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Too much too soon. They're getting creeped out. Too much texting.

You're getting dates so it's not looks. But whatever you are doing on dates is what is turning them off.

Date locally. Screen better. Meet for a brief coffee at a mutually convenient time and place. Stop pawing them up trying to get lucky right away.

If the first meet goes well, ask for a second date.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I agree with those who said you don't want to talk about marriage, kids, commitment, etc. too early. Ease up on the gas pedal. Get to know each other, have fun, keep it light-hearted, don't be too intense until you two have had many dates and have known each other for a longer time. When you get a date, see it as just that, a date, and not a meeting with the potential love of your life (who knows what'll happen? but surely you won't know after one date).

I have experienced being in touch with women I barely knew who immediately started talking about finding a husband, wanting kids, etc. and I too was put off, because it made it seem like they were desperate to find a partner and wanted to settle ASAP, either with me or just about anybody else who seemed like a decent match. That would be scary to almost anyone. 

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4 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

There's a guy who I've been chatting with online. We haven't met, but he's already put me off by saying he wants someone who'll be integrated into his kids' lives, can be a team with him, keep loyal through all the bad times... It's too much and it's put me right off.

If you're making similarly intense statements or comments about what you want for the future then your dates may decide likewise. 

My profile said I was looking for marriage and family. My profile said it was fine if the person didn't want that but to please just go to the next profile.  I had many many men contact me who also wanted the same thing and liked how up front I was.  What was too full on were the men who expressed strong emotions up front or were over the top complimenting my looks, etc.  That was way too intense for me.  I liked when they said they shared the general marriage/family goals. 

I didn't talk about husband hunting when I first met someone.  I learned a great deal more about the person with innocuous topics and questions.  Because if you're talking about reading fiction, music, travel, theater, your families (meaning you know fun stuff about how you grew up, what flavor pop tart you liked) - I could notice his eye contact, whether he had good body language, asked me questions, tone of voice and how he treated people around us - waitstaff or the tourists standing in the middle of the street with a camera, etc.  There was one guy who looked at me with disdain when I pronounced the Grand Tetons wrong (ok no more dates for me lol), and another who said all his coworkers were really dumb ,and then he wouldn't use the pen to sign the check at the restaurant (pre covid LOL). 

There was another who asked the waiter in spanish for a knife because he assumed the man was hispanic (no, and didn't speak spanish) and another who thought I was paying for our whole bill and told me how much he loved to be pampered.

Another, who I told I'd treat for lunch (since he traveled to meet me over an hour) proceeded to order appetizers and entree even though he knew I wasn't ordering an appetizer.  You know what -if someone tells you they are treating, show that you're going to match more or less what that person orders and get yourself an extra snack later if an entree isn't sufficient.  That tells me about his manners/social skills.  I always ordered less expensively than my date if I knew he was likely going to treat/offer to treat.

I didn't need to discuss intense topics about marriage as long as the guy wrote in his profile and saw my profile as to what I was looking for. 

There was a guy who told me he wanted to ask women who were 40 and meeting him how it was they thought they could have a baby (I was in my late 30s at the time) and he is still single and in his mid 50s.  

There was the man who wanted to use his car till the odometer had the number of miles it took to get to the moon.

If you're a person who is interested in what makes people tick, plus you have a variety of interests, interesting anecdotes that are appropriate for near strangers, then you can have a pleasant and maybe even flirty convo with a new person without ever getting intense and yet learn a lot about them.  

Edited by Batya33
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Yeah too much intensity. 

There shouldn't be lots of hugging and kissing on a first date. When there are no real feelings involved (which there can't possibly be on the first date) either the girl will eventually get bored and feel smothered by all the affection or she will get turned on and frustrated and even annoyed. 

Also if you are spending a lot of time making out it means you aren't spending enough time connecting and if the girl is looking for a relationship and leaves the first date not really feeling a connection then that could easily explain why she doesn't want a second date. 

You should wait a few days before suggesting another date. 

Cut out all the texting between dates. Use texts primarily for arranging the next date. And definitely no sexting! 

And stop trying to skip steps and jump into a relationship and jump into bed. Dating should be an enjoyable process where you get to know someone better through conversation and enjoying fun activities together. If the two of you are a good match then a relationship will develop naturally without either of you having to force it. 

 

 

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I actually wouldn't just automatically think that something is putting the girls off on the dates. There's a difference between actually being "put off" or just "not feeling it". I did online dating on and off for 18 years and I actually never had a real relationship with anyone from online. In most cases, I just wasn't really into the person, or they weren't into me. Only rarely was I actually put off by anything in particular.

This is just how online dating goes and is most people's experience with it. You can actually have success but it requires A LOT of patience. You need to meet hundreds of women to find the right one. I doubt there's anything that wrong with you so it's probably just a normal case of online dating being a pain in the ass! Lol

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1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

Yeah too much intensity. 

There shouldn't be lots of hugging and kissing on a first date. When there are no real feelings involved (which there can't possibly be on the first date) either the girl will eventually get bored and feel smothered by all the affection or she will get turned on and frustrated and even annoyed. 

Also if you are spending a lot of time making out it means you aren't spending enough time connecting and if the girl is looking for a relationship and leaves the first date not really feeling a connection then that could easily explain why she doesn't want a second date. 

You should wait a few days before suggesting another date. 

Cut out all the texting between dates. Use texts primarily for arranging the next date. And definitely no sexting! 

And stop trying to skip steps and jump into a relationship and jump into bed. Dating should be an enjoyable process where you get to know someone better through conversation and enjoying fun activities together. If the two of you are a good match then a relationship will develop naturally without either of you having to force it. 

 

 

"Dating should be an enjoyable process where you get to know someone better through conversation and enjoying fun activities together. If the two of you are a good match then a relationship will develop naturally without either of you having to force it."

I agree with you 100%.  It seems to me that the trouble in today's world everybody wants instant gratification and no one wants to wait.  They want their rewards NOW!  I think that's why hookup culture is so popular.  For a while, "speed-dating" was popular where a group of women would be sitting at a table and a man would talk with her for 2-minutes.  After 2-minutes a bell would ring and he would get up and go to the next woman.  The woman would then decide which man she wants to continue with.  The women who set this up believed that a woman can tell within 2-minutes if the man was a good match or not.

From what I've read in today's culture, traditional dating is dead.  No one wants to sit down and have a cup of coffee/tea to get to know the other person.

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3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

I actually wouldn't just automatically think that something is putting the girls off on the dates. There's a difference between actually being "put off" or just "not feeling it". I did online dating on and off for 18 years and I actually never had a real relationship with anyone from online. In most cases, I just wasn't really into the person, or they weren't into me. Only rarely was I actually put off by anything in particular.

This is just how online dating goes and is most people's experience with it. You can actually have success but it requires A LOT of patience. You need to meet hundreds of women to find the right one. I doubt there's anything that wrong with you so it's probably just a normal case of online dating being a pain in the ass! Lol

"You need to meet hundreds of women to find the right one. I doubt there's anything that wrong with you so it's probably just a normal case of online dating being a pain in the ass!"

I agree with you!  Back in the day, I used to do online dating when it actually worked.  The trouble with online dating today is that women have a lot of options.  When a person has a lot of options they become picky.  So picky that they might end up with nothing.

I met a woman online who just wanted to be friends.  She had been on Match.com, PlentyofFish, and Eharmony for over one year.  She said she developed the skills of filtering out the good from the bad.  In that year she said she had met 20 decent and quality men but she ended up with no relationship.  If quality men are so rare, why didn't she pick one of them I asked her.

She said she found fault in each of them.  One guy had too much body hair.  Another guy's voice was too high-pitched.  Another guy worked too many hours.  And so on.  The whole year was exhausting for her and she was going to take a break.

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7 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Stop focusing on the end goal and focus on the present moment.

Make this your new mantra. It's totally fine to have marriage and kids as an end goal, but when this is on your mind during the date, a woman will sense this vibe from you that you're sizing her up for this role, even if it's unspoken.

Go into the date with the goal of enjoying some time with another and getting to know interesting things about her, and sharing interesting things about yourself. That's it. If the chemistry is there and she's enjoyed your company, maybe you'll get another date. But don't bombard her with texts in between dates. Show clear interest without being over-the-top.

If you get to a third date and things are progressing, you can certainly ask what a woman's dating/relationship goals are. And that would be so that you won't waste anymore time with her if her goals don't match yours. It doesn't mean that if you both have the same goals that you will now be each others future.

It would mean that you will have a wait-and-see attitude, because the beginning is never reality. You have to get past the honeymoon person to begin to see who the real person is.

And of course, you normally have to date a boatload of people before finding a good match. It's realistic so don't think what's happening to you is abnormal.

As others have said, make sure you have a fulfilling life besides dating, as a woman doesn't want to be the sole center of your social life and the only source of your happiness.

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3 hours ago, DELETEDPROFILE007 said:

"Dating should be an enjoyable process where you get to know someone better through conversation and enjoying fun activities together. If the two of you are a good match then a relationship will develop naturally without either of you having to force it."

I agree with you 100%.  It seems to me that the trouble in today's world everybody wants instant gratification and no one wants to wait.  They want their rewards NOW!  I think that's why hookup culture is so popular.  For a while, "speed-dating" was popular where a group of women would be sitting at a table and a man would talk with her for 2-minutes.  After 2-minutes a bell would ring and he would get up and go to the next woman.  The woman would then decide which man she wants to continue with.  The women who set this up believed that a woman can tell within 2-minutes if the man was a good match or not.

From what I've read in today's culture, traditional dating is dead.  No one wants to sit down and have a cup of coffee/tea to get to know the other person.

I think every generation says that about previous.  Instant gratification is perfectly appropriate for people who enjoy hooking up and having casual sex.  I don't but to each their own.  When I went on blind dates for many years -pre and post internet -and when I went to dance clubs in the 80s (and my sister in the 70s) it was the same deal with certain guys an gals  - first impression was everything, often based on looks.  

I never did speed dating but don't think it's necessarily about instant gratification.

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