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Wife isn't interested in helping provide anything in our marriage


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9 hours ago, QuestionGuy11 said:

Yes we both agree on what we want from our future, how we'd raise our kids if we had any. I have plans to have my own restaurant but she has 0 inspiration or vision of seeing herself doing / wanting something from her future. To questions like "Where do you see yourself in 5 years" she has no response and usually just shrugs it off. However, we both agree that we don't want to live in this country and would love to move and prosper together somewhere else.

Domestic tasks are mostly done by her but I do help whenever I feel like it ( which is , in rough terms 3 out of 10 times something is done ). 

Most of the time cooking is done by her but I rarely do cooking even though I'm a great chef, but, I never clean except maybe the smallest trivial things. Shopping is mostly done together.

The transition was horrible yes. I never cared for having long relationships and most of mine lasted a maximum of 3-6 months. She on the other had only had one 4 year relationship and no one else before / after it except with me. Since i'm forced to live with my parents ( can't wait to be economically ready to move out ) our living situation is somewhat "shaky" and she constantly is nagging about anything that my mom does ( father is abroad working so he's rarely home ).  It took me a while to realize that someone I call my soon to be wife is living with me and since I used to have all the free time in the world to do whatever I want, the transition was horrible and it took about half a year for me to finally change some of my ( being on the PC all day for example.. )

To be honest, I have a low opinion of her ability to figure things out. She's not the smartest person in the room but neither is the dumbest. It's why sometimes i've treated her like  a "client". 

There aren't any real marriage counselors where I'm at but there are psychologists and psychiatrists which I've actually recommended her to try, have at least 1 conversation and then see if she's go through with it or not , but, depending on the mood she either loves the idea or hates it.. I'm very open and would love to see us work but It's very clear to me that she's too scared to exit her comfort zone and fix the issues that she has. 

Everything you said does make sense but I wouldn't just throw a 4 year relationship into the toilet without seeing whether she'd be willing to change or not. To be honest Only recently did i actually start looking for "outside help" on this predicament and only recently did I try to actively try to change her opinion on things. I've actually succeeded in many things and now she is a better wife because of it but since i'm somewhat impatient I want to see what I might be doing wrong..

 

She was very depressed after she miscarried. That didn't stick with her however, it was only for about a month in total. From all the replies here I like this the most ( what I quoted ). I've never sat down with her and actually told it like it is. We can't work on a marriage where I'm the only one trying. We can't call things OURS when i'm the one who acquired them ( financially ). 

 

I'm compiling so much data here and re-reading all the replies and honestly I'm surprised of how many great tips i'm getting. We are genuinely in love with each other ( I feel like we almost show this to each other daily ) but I strongly believe just loving one another is not enough for a successful marriage.

Am I wrong?

Look, if like 70 - 80% of all the housework and cooking is done by your wife, basically she's a housewife. That's her actual role, her purpose in life and in your marriage. Of course it's good to have aspirations for her but you said that you only help out with chores "when you feel like it". And you don't choose to cook, even though you're a "great chef". Are you doing this deliberately because your wife doesn't work? Or would you be like this even if she did work?

The thing is, if you want things to be equal (or nearly equal) in your marriage, that has to go both ways. Then if your wife worked, you'd need to help around the house too. You don't seriously expect that she'd work and do all the cooking and cleaning too? 

You actually do sound arrogant to be honest. You talk about your wife as if you own her and she's your child or pet. You only help at home "when you feel like it". I'd probably also examine how you're acting and look at yourself and where you could improve as a husband and future father.

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4 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Meh. I’m going to just put my two cents in here because I’ve already made up my mind from reading the post in the very beginning and everything I read confirms it.

A women that feels secure in a relationship will generally behave better if they feel like this is the best they ever going to get. It seems like to me that the financial issues have been putting a strain on the relationship.

Some women don’t want to work, they want to stay at home and raise children, I don’t see this as a bad thing. In fact it seems you guys tried this once already. Personally, I think you would be dealing with a different person if you were making more. 

Of course beggars can’t be choosers and maybe this goes both ways.

When I was raising my child full time I worked extremely hard and it meant we didn't have to pay for a nanny or daycare.  And my husband didn't have to miss work/cancel trips if our child was sick.  I wanted to work very hard and I did.  Please don't describe it as "don't want to work."  I know of women who do not want to do paid work outside the home.  Honestly not many.

The women I know who are full time with the child for longer than maternity leave (7 years for me) typically agree to do so because financially it makes more sense, and/or really want to be with the child, raising the child despite also having career ambitions -it's a tough choice, and/or the husband really wants that arrangement and the wife compromises. 

The women I know who want to marry someone wealthy so they don't have to work and don't have career ambitions quite often hire a nanny and various other child-related people so they have time to live a lifestyle that doesn't involve the hard work of raising a child.  

In the OPs case she doesn't sound like she'd be good at doing the work of parenting full time. At all.  

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7 hours ago, Batya33 said:

In the OPs case she doesn't sound like she'd be good at doing the work of parenting full time. At all.  

yes you're right, the more I look at the replies the more sense it makes that being a parent IS a full time job with no vacation days, no breaks and no interuptions. And, knowing her I don't think she'd be able to last one day and would be crushed by the responsibility. 

 

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Look, if like 70 - 80% of all the housework and cooking is done by your wife, basically she's a housewife. That's her actual role, her purpose in life and in your marriage. Of course it's good to have aspirations for her but you said that you only help out with chores "when you feel like it". And you don't choose to cook, even though you're a "great chef". Are you doing this deliberately because your wife doesn't work? Or would you be like this even if she did work?

The thing is, if you want things to be equal (or nearly equal) in your marriage, that has to go both ways. Then if your wife worked, you'd need to help around the house too. You don't seriously expect that she'd work and do all the cooking and cleaning too? 

You actually do sound arrogant to be honest. You talk about your wife as if you own her and she's your child or pet. You only help at home "when you feel like it". I'd probably also examine how you're acting and look at yourself and where you could improve as a husband and future father.

Bad choice of words. I'm horrible at keeping secrets so I log in to catch up while on the toilet and quickly reply.

What I actually meant to say is I'm usually busy with work or other activities to help. Yes, sometimes when I have more free time i help her finish tasks (help with cooking, putting laundry to dry, last minute shopping, Cleaning, folding clothes, making beds, landry, dishes etc etc etc.) 

In life i am arrogant, i speak my mind and I'm straightforward but I try to keep that in check because i know its a horrible way to act, especially toward people I like and respect

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19 minutes ago, QuestionGuy11 said:

 I log in to catch up while on the toilet and quickly reply.

Love the image🧻📱🚽.

You treat her like a servant. Although being the household unpaid help for you and your mother may be part of the situation.

Edited by Wiseman2
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58 minutes ago, QuestionGuy11 said:

yes you're right, the more I look at the replies the more sense it makes that being a parent IS a full time job with no vacation days, no breaks and no interuptions. And, knowing her I don't think she'd be able to last one day and would be crushed by the responsibility

Well it depends.  Perhaps she would opt for a part time sitter/nanny/daycare. We had no family to help -do you? What would your role be meaning do you work typical hours or more than full time? Do you have to travel? But yes if she can't handle looking for a job, if she reacts in anger/short tempered -it doesn't bode well.

It does require a ton of sacrifice.  I remember sitting in our rocking chair about ten years ago because I had a stomach bug -present from my then 3 year old, who was feeling almost all better.  My husband was out of town.  I was alone.  3 year old still needed to be fed, taken care of.  He had no concept of mom being sick (I so rarely was) but he'd never seen me sit that long without interacting with him so he brought me a green crayon -it was meant to comfort me lol.  It's not an extreme example. You do have to be ready to drop everything even if you're feeling like crap.  And not expect a young child to get it or be a help (unless you like to draw trees with a crayon).

  When your wife was pregnant and when you were trying to get pregnant what conversations did you have about the divsion of responsibilities? 

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Well it depends.  Perhaps she would opt for a part time sitter/nanny/daycare. We had no family to help -do you? What would your role be meaning do you work typical hours or more than full time? Do you have to travel? But yes if she can't handle looking for a job, if she reacts in anger/short tempered -it doesn't bode well.

It does require a ton of sacrifice.  I remember sitting in our rocking chair about ten years ago because I had a stomach bug -present from my then 3 year old, who was feeling almost all better.  My husband was out of town.  I was alone.  3 year old still needed to be fed, taken care of.  He had no concept of mom being sick (I so rarely was) but he'd never seen me sit that long without interacting with him so he brought me a green crayon -it was meant to comfort me lol.  It's not an extreme example. You do have to be ready to drop everything even if you're feeling like crap.  And not expect a young child to get it or be a help (unless you like to draw trees with a crayon).

  When your wife was pregnant and when you were trying to get pregnant what conversations did you have about the divsion of responsibilities? 

She actually has finished college for pediatric and she can work in kindergartens or similar. We do have family which can help with the baby. I work online with very flexible hours but it still adds up to around 40 to 50 hours per week ( sometimes less, sometimes more ). Today I suggested a talk therapy specialist and she took the idea well and only replied that she will think about it, which usually means "fat chance of that happening" but i'll stay positive and hope i'm wrong. 

The 3 year old at least saw that something is wrong and tried to fix it, so that's awesome. When she was pregnant, we never really discussed responsibilities after the kid comes. Now that I think about it, we've never sat down and talk about who'd be expected to do what. We have compared other friends and how they raise their children and which parent does what and from that I could only assume that we'd have shared responsibilities, as in, it won't be only her changing the diaper, bath time etc etc.

I'd be more than happy to do it together whenever possible 

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Love the image🧻📱🚽.

You treat her like a servant. Although being the household unpaid help for you and your mother may be part of the situation.

We are both very against my mothers behavior  where she's treating my wife like a servant. One of the reasons why we want to move out is because she once told us that we need to start doing more around the house ( even though we were already vacuuming 2 times a week, cleaning dust and stocking the fridge ). She went on how we aren't paying for anything here and are acting like we're in a hotel which is total bull*** since she's the one acting like that. It was a huge argument and relationship with her has been super cold from both me and my wife. 

The unpaid part tho, I can't agree with. When i'm not doing anything I always help her and i try my best to keep a positive attitude toward her. 

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So this is my perspective -you lecture her about what she should be doing -in detail -but you never discussed together your expectations about parenting responsibilities?  What your friends do is helpful to the discussion but often there are many individual differences in lifestyle, parenting styles, cleanliness standards.  

Given how tenuous this situation is, should she get pregnant again or if you are trying, please have this discussion.

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49 minutes ago, QuestionGuy11 said:

She actually has finished college for pediatric and she can work in kindergartens or similar. We do have family which can help with the baby. I work online with very flexible hours but it still adds up to around 40 to 50 hours per week ( sometimes less, sometimes more ). Today I suggested a talk therapy specialist and she took the idea well and only replied that she will think about it, which usually means "fat chance of that happening" but i'll stay positive and hope i'm wrong. 

The 3 year old at least saw that something is wrong and tried to fix it, so that's awesome. When she was pregnant, we never really discussed responsibilities after the kid comes. Now that I think about it, we've never sat down and talk about who'd be expected to do what. We have compared other friends and how they raise their children and which parent does what and from that I could only assume that we'd have shared responsibilities, as in, it won't be only her changing the diaper, bath time etc etc.

I'd be more than happy to do it together whenever possible 

We are both very against my mothers behavior  where she's treating my wife like a servant. One of the reasons why we want to move out is because she once told us that we need to start doing more around the house ( even though we were already vacuuming 2 times a week, cleaning dust and stocking the fridge ). She went on how we aren't paying for anything here and are acting like we're in a hotel which is total bull*** since she's the one acting like that. It was a huge argument and relationship with her has been super cold from both me and my wife. 

The unpaid part tho, I can't agree with. When i'm not doing anything I always help her and i try my best to keep a positive attitude toward her. 

Well, I can somewhat understand why your mom would be resentful and not exactly happy about you two living there. You aren't kids, you are 30, it's incredibly generous that you were taken into their home at all. And meanwhile, your wife isn't even trying to get a job nor work towards getting out of her house. It seems she's just waiting to get pregnant again, zero plans for how she will provide for herself never mind a kid?! I'm sorry, that's crazy!! Why is a baby even on the table when you two can't even house yourselves?! 

 

 

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4 hours ago, itsallgrand said:

Well, I can somewhat understand why your mom would be resentful and not exactly happy about you two living there. You aren't kids, you are 30, it's incredibly generous that you were taken into their home at all. And meanwhile, your wife isn't even trying to get a job nor work towards getting out of her house. It seems she's just waiting to get pregnant again, zero plans for how she will provide for herself never mind a kid?! I'm sorry, that's crazy!! Why is a baby even on the table when you two can't even house yourselves?! 

 

 

The mom thing is such a long story i don't have enough space to write to write it on two forums. In short, she's angry at my wife for "stealing me". She used to control me in every possible way and now she resents the fact that I'm not her "mama's boy" and she can no longer make me do what she wants. 

for the second part, No idea. And yes, she can't wait to get pregnant again and has explicitly said that to me multiple times. And now that you mentioned it, it makes no sense. I guess she has a plan to be the stay at home mom while I provide? We really need to talk about it and soon. 

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11 hours ago, QuestionGuy11 said:

  my mothers behavior  where she's treating my wife like a servant. 

So on top of being a SAHM mother, doing most of the domestic tasks and raising your child, putting up with your domineering mother,she should work so you can follow pipedreams like being a chef?

Since you don't lift a finger around the house and don't pay a penny for living expenses, get another job.

Edited by Wiseman2
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6 hours ago, QuestionGuy11 said:

The mom thing is such a long story i don't have enough space to write to write it on two forums. In short, she's angry at my wife for "stealing me". She used to control me in every possible way and now she resents the fact that I'm not her "mama's boy" and she can no longer make me do what she wants. 

for the second part, No idea. And yes, she can't wait to get pregnant again and has explicitly said that to me multiple times. And now that you mentioned it, it makes no sense. I guess she has a plan to be the stay at home mom while I provide? We really need to talk about it and soon. 

Take your own unsolicited advice you give to your wife in the name of "I know better" -you're incredibly passive for an adult who wants to maintain a healthy marriage and start a family.  You're permitting this dysyfunctional living situation which you can change, you're dismissing your role in starting a family in this chaotic environment with "now that you mention it"- really? Also many full time parents do not stay in one place much or at home - perhaps those who see their roles as housekeeping primarily or equal to working at raising a child. I rarely stayed in one place or at home when my son was young and especially when he was not yet in preschool (he started part time age 3.5).

With my husband's complete enthusiasm we had a twice monthly cleaning service and I didn't do much in the way of cooking so my time could be spent with our son, mostly out of the house, exploring the world (and without spending $ on classes or activities with very rare exception). But I also contributed to the family income from my investments pre-child. 

Other full time parents as I said see their role differently -they focus on making a beautiful home and will drop off the baby/toddler with caregivers, at "school", etc so they can focus on cooking, house renovations, interior decorating, organizing, etc.  And some believe their child is better with other adults so they are "home" in case the child is sick or their husband is traveling but they see their role as equally devoted to maintaining the home.  

So for example if your wife would still want her manicure -which is her thing -totally fine - she may wish to go do that while she hires a sitter or a family member cares for your child.  She may want the freedom to make plans with a friend for lunch or an activity child-free so she will need $ for a sitter on call - a friend of mine did that with her two kids - hired someone 20 hours a week whether needed or not so she could do her own thing.  So yes you have to know what she has in mind.  She has to know that too.

Marriage reinforced for me the benefits of humility.  I think you need a tad more -I'm shocked you can respond so passively and yet feel that you're entitled to lecture your wive as to actions she is supposed to take and give her "cause I know better" unsolicited advice.

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1 hour ago, QuestionGuy11 said:

So. I read the above replies but I still couldn't understand. am in the wrong? I really couldn't understand what posters wanted to say

 

Of course not. You're too arrogant to consider why your laziness and contempt while sponging off your mother and making your wife a servant could possibly be causing problems.

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Definitely hold off on trying for another baby. It won't fix your relationship even if it makes you both happy for a while eventually it will cause additional issues adding to your financial problems and also making it much harder to separate if your marriage fails. And if she doesn't want to work right now while she is childless do you really think she will want to work while she has a baby to look after? 

But I think the fundamental problem is that she was spoilt growing up being mostly supported by her parents and expects the same from her husband and unfortunately you are not a rich guy happy to indulge and spoil his wife and instead want a wife who can contribute financially and work with you towards a better life. 

I think the first thing you need to do is to move out. If you have a full time job I cannot believe you cannot to rent somewhere. That will give you both some independence and it might motivate her to step up a bit especially if it means you are on a much tighter budgets and she has to forgo certain luxuries she is used to. She sounds too comfortable and a bit of hardship will make her either step up or start complaining and that will tell you a lot about whether you two can go the distance. 

And if she does not step up then you have a decision to make.

Either you accept her the way she is and appreciate that she is loving and affectionate and helps around the house and accept the onus will be on you to work hard, increase your income, and improve the quality of your life.

Or you end things while you are still childless and find someone who is more ambitious, has a proper career, and so on.

 

 

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Seriously OP, why aren't you living in your own house?

Living with family can drive anyone nuts and kill love/romance. You say you work and pay the bills, but why can't you afford a house? Not Even a big studio ?

2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Or you end things while you are still childless and find someone who is more ambitious, has a proper career, and so on

OP needs to step up before finding someone more ambitious... Very very few women of those standards would accept living with mom. The more I read the posts, three more OP sounds like moma's boy.

Grow a pair and step up for your wife. If you want to have a kid, rent an apartment asap. But you guys need to have a talk about everything going on. You need to communicate and clear some things up. It'll be difficult, but at least you'll know what to do next. And hold off the sex for a while until you have an agreement on how to proceed. Finally, You barely respect your wife... So that should tell you something. Don't bring a kid into this world "just because".

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The mom situation is very, VERY  complicated. it's besides the point but Yes, I agree, living with parents kills off any positive vibe and the situation regarding this is so complicated... its literally a waiting game right now with neither side ( me vs my parents) being able to expedite the process of us being alone and living alone. 

All the replies have given me a fair bit of insight in what my relationship looks from the outside and I appreciate the tios you have all given me. I do take responsibility and I do agree I am part of the problem but it's a side of me I've only been working to fix in the past 6 months. 

I'll see how we can adapt to one another and hopefully everything will work out because she is acting differently in the last week or so and I'm positively surprised she's interested in discussing things and isn't letting her emotions talk for her. 

once again, thank you, I'll see what can be done

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  • 2 weeks later...

I feel bad my ex-wife is like this but the sad thing is I have two kids with her.. I won't get into total details but yeah I saw she sent my friend a text telling me I'm lazy (I did a 50 hour work week) and she was sitting home on social media.. only working 2 days out of a week only bringing in $120 after taxes while I brought in over $1500 after taxes.

 

It drove me insane... we too dated for 6 months before getting married..

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