Is my relationship doomed to fail or is it just me?

[Stevie15]

Hi all

I apologise for what may seem like a long entry but there is a lot of background to this story. 

I began dating my boyfriend (the first time around) last year. Unfortunately there were issues in the relationships, on both sides. From my perspective, he seemed happy only seeing me twice a week for a few hours. If I suggested having a day out together, that would go in place of an evening we would have, never as additional time together. He never introduced me to anybody, never took me on a date night, he kept his life from me very hidden, including his work. He never once told me who he worked for. I started to notice that he would interact with other girls on social media, liking their pictures and commenting but with me, it was as though I didn't exist. When I asked him about this, he blocked me on in social media and commented 'problem solved'. I always questioned my part in his life as he kept some big things from me I.e. he wouldn't have kids, get married, live with someone etc. He told me I would never control him and that if he wanted to do things I.e. holidays without me, he would and I'd have to deal with it. He even said I wasn't invited to his birthday celebrations in which all his friends and their partners attended because I don't have to be involved in everything and I had the 'privilege' to see him on the actual day

Before we broke up, he told me to come over and we would speak the weekend together. When I got to his flat, he wasn't in or he pretended not to be. Of course that marked the end for us and I was heartbroken. Completely. I l loved him and had put so much effort into making sure he knew that. 

 

Over the time we were apart, we exchanged messages, not all of which were nice from him but I still had strong feelings for him and I suppose being confused as to his behaviour, was holding on to those. 

He was adamant he did not care for me nor did he want to reconcile. However, late last year, in a general (and amicable) conversation, he hinted at me to see him, which, I did. We had a discussion about what happened but he said said still loved me and he was angry about things last time. He also said over time he realised his feelings. We agreed to give it a try but I'm starting to doubt. 

We have done a few things together and he says he plans to take me to met people but he still keeps things from me. If he goes out with friends, he doesn't tell me. Don't get me.wrong, I don't want to know because I'm being nosey or controlling but I thought couples were open about things and I don't see why he hides things that are not a big thing. Again, I asked him about this and he completely changed. He told me that I didn't need to know everything and he wasn't going to tell me everything. In addition, he said he wouldn't be kept tabs on or told what to do despite this not being the case. I'm very open and tell him everything but he sees that as a bad thing. He told me he wouldn't tolerate my behaviour I displayed before, I.e  questioning him about the relationship and to be frank, he spoke to me like I was about 10 years old. 

 

I'm confused as to whether my doubts stem from the first time we dated or whether I am actually seeing real issues. 

 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

 he spoke to me like I was about 10 years old. 

If his life is a secret, you need to move on and delete and block him for good.

It's time to reflect why you tolerated any of this in the first place.

Are either of you married or in other relationships?

[Stevie15]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If his life is a secret, you need to move on and delete and block him for good.

It's time to reflect why you tolerated any of this in the first place.

Are either of you married or in other relationships?

No, not at all. 

Neither of us has ever been married and are both single. 

[Stevie15]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If his life is a secret, you need to move on and delete and block him for good.

It's time to reflect why you tolerated any of this in the first place.

Are either of you married or in other relationships?

I know this time around at least that his friends know about me. I've met a few. I suppose that's why I'm so confused 

[MissCanuck]

Raise your standards, girl. Never tolerate being someone’s secret. 

It’s pretty clear that he’s not into the way you’re into him, and it will never become the relationship you want. 

So, yes, this is doomed to fail. I’m sorry. 

[Kwothe28]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

It’s pretty clear that he’s not into the way you’re into him, and it will never become the relationship you want. 

 

This

Your boyfriend is simply not a "relationship material" as some would say. Valuing your freedom is fine, hiding stuff and ignoring you to the point he says how he would take a vacation without you is not. At worst you have somebody who is casually into you and hiding you so he could do whatever he wants. At best you have a "commitmentphoebe" who even if he wants is unable to give anything real because he is afraid of commitment. In both cases its very bad for you. I dont even know why you did take him back when he was so rude to you. Another very negative thread he seems to have.

[DarkCh0c0]

Are you his side-chick?

Why the hell would you accept to be treated this way? He's not that that into you and you nonetheless are trying to see more into it when there really isn't.

Block him everywhere. Cut contact. Move on to find men who will make you feel special and loved. Love yourself enough to not go back to him. Please!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Stevie15 said:

 he kept his life from me very hidden, including his work. He never once told me who he worked for

How old is he? Is he a drug dealer or involved in illegal activity? Sure seems like it, no?

This, among other things didn't register as a giant red flag 🚩?

You need to ask yourself why you put up with shabby treatment. 

[Stevie15]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How old is he? Is he a drug dealer or involved in illegal activity? Sure seems like it, no?

This, among other things didn't register as a giant red flag 🚩?

You need to ask yourself why you put up with shabby treatment. 

He's not a drug dealer, alcohol abuser etc. Nothing illegal about him whatsoever. 

 

He's 43

[Batya33]

How old are you?  It's not doomed to fail. Doomed to fail means there was a relationship to begin with.   It never was a relationship with potential for the future. And it is not now.  You wanted to date someone with potential for the long term.  He never saw potential in you.  You never were on the same page and you are not on the same page now despite his sweet words.  Watch the feet- what he says -not the lips -what he does. 

The real issue is why did this take all this backstory and why are you settling for scraps?  What in the world was "confusing"?  If you interviewed for a full time job with benefits and you were told "all we can offer you at this time is a part time job with no benefits and it will be a 6 month gig" -would you be "confused" as to whether they saw you as full time material?

This is a really simple -he's not that into you and you two were never on the same page.  

How come you feel so desperate to be with him -other than "because I love him" -I doubt you love him because you are groveling at his feet and chasing him -so you don't show respect or love for yourself -you're not "loving" from a position of reasonable confidence.  

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

He's not a drug dealer. He's 43

It's funny how you keep missing the point that you're complaining about all this then defending it.

If you enjoy lousy treatment, carry on.

[Stevie15]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's funny how you keep missing the point that you're complaining about all this then defending it.

If you enjoy lousy treatment, carry on.

No no not at all. 

 

I was just answering your questions.

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

No no not at all. 

 

I was just answering your questions.

You write this long story and now you're answering in as few words as possible and maybe even forgetting if he's 45 or 43? (or maybe typo) - it's telling.  

Your actions show you benefit from settling for scraps. Where's the benefit -so you get to tell yourself "I have a boyfriend?"

[Stevie15]

It was a typo, my apologies.

 

I was answering questions asked is all. 

 

I don't know how or why I feel the way I do if I'm completely honest. Maybe I'm not even sure how I feel.

I suppose the fact he said he realised he still cared made me think that things would change. But how do you break a cycle of such strong emotion?

[Batya33]

It's not that complicated -you're making it more complicated with big words that mean nothing like "cycle of strong emotion" -if you kept yelling at your mother every time she said something cringe worthy how would you break that "cycle of strong emotion" -would you even call it that? 

Watch the feet -what a person does -not the lips -what a person says. I still care about my ex boyfriend.  I do not want to be with him.  I still care about a friend I cut off last week because she kept acting in a flaky, disrespectful way to me.  I care about her and choose not to be in contact with her or spend my time with her.  How do you "break the cycle" - by your actions.  You act in a way that shows self respect.  

His actions are not those of someone who wants a serious relationship with you. They never have been really.  So why do his words mean anything to you as far as him wanting him to be with you?

You don't have to be sure how you feel.  Fake it till you make it.  Pretend you are a person who wants a serious long term relationship.  Pretend you want to be with someone who feels the same. What actions would you take if you were such a person? Would you stay in contact -much less be involved -with someone who didn't want those things with you?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Stevie15 said:

I suppose the fact he said he realised he still cared made me think that things would change. But how do you break a cycle of such strong emotion?

What strong emotions? 

He doesn’t have any such feelings towards you. You break thy cycle by recognizing that you are accepting breadcrumbs for almost no reward. 

Don’t you feel you can do better than this?

[Rose Mosse]

You can break the cycle of anything by just stopping it. If you initiate contact regularly, don’t do it. If you see him twice a week usually, don’t see him. Don’t answer texts, don’t return phone calls. 

What’s the reasoning behind wanting to make this work? “But I love him” isn’t enough. You seem to think very little of yourself and are satisfied with very little. Reflect on why that is.

[Stevie15]

9 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

You can break the cycle of anything by just stopping it. If you initiate contact regularly, don’t do it. If you see him twice a week usually, don’t see him. Don’t answer texts, don’t return phone calls. 

What’s the reasoning behind wanting to make this work? “But I love him” isn’t enough. You seem to think very little of yourself and are satisfied with very little. Reflect on why that is.

I 100% understand and acknowledge what you say and all I can really say is I wanted it to work because I genuinely do love him. It hurt me being apart from him and the love I had never left really hence why I saw him again in the first place. 

I'm not satisfied by any means but I feel if I address this, I'll lose him again. 

 

I genuinely don't know what to do, as silly as it sounds. I don't know if I'm experiencing fear of losing him or fear of having feelings of hurt again. 

[boltnrun]

What exactly was it about being disregarded, hidden, left out of his entire personal life, being spoken to rudely and only occasionally seeing him that inspired you to "love" him?

Seems like you want to be able to say you have a boyfriend and that was your motivation in staying in this toxic situation rather than actual love. Do you tell your friends and family about your "boyfriend"?

There's nothing to end. Simply tell him this isn't working for you anymore and that you will not be seeing or communicating with him anymore, and ask him to not contact you. And stick to it. Don't tell yourself you "miss" him and therefore need to contact him. You don't. When you start to feel lonely contact a friend or family member and make plans with them. Put his number in your phone as NO DON'T so you'll see it when you're tempted to contact him to "say hi" or "see how he's doing".

And perhaps seek therapy or strongly reflect on why you believe you love a guy who treats you so very poorly.

[Rose Mosse]

44 minutes ago, Stevie15 said:

I 100% understand and acknowledge what you say and all I can really say is I wanted it to work because I genuinely do love him. It hurt me being apart from him and the love I had never left really hence why I saw him again in the first place. 

I'm not satisfied by any means but I feel if I address this, I'll lose him again. 

 

I genuinely don't know what to do, as silly as it sounds. I don't know if I'm experiencing fear of losing him or fear of having feelings of hurt again. 

“Losing” and “hurt” are all inevitable in life while we learn and grow. Why are you fearful of these two things? It is all right to feel pain and loss. We move through that and come out on the other side, stronger and wiser. 

Focus instead on whether your needs are met in the relationship. If they are not, end it and do not live in fear. 

[smackie9]

OK mom talk: date those who treat you the way you expect/want to be treated. If they don't fulfill your expectations/see red flags you do not stick around to see if they will "improve" with talking. You dump their sorry butt. Stop being a pushover. This guy is a total jerk. Open your eyes!

[Batya33]

You do know what to do.  And if you needed a reminder we've written it here.  You just don't want to do what you know you need to do for your dignity and self-respect. Big difference.

[HeartGoesOn]

Are you sure, along with having proof that he's not married?

[Stevie15]

1 hour ago, HeartGoesOn said:

Are you sure, along with having proof that he's not married?

I've been to his place and even stayed over so I'd know if he was. 

[Stevie15]

Just now, Stevie15 said:

I've been to his place and even stayed over so I'd know if he was. 

We've also been out locally so surely if he were, he wouldn't risk being seen?