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Lack of affection and tons more..


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Hi everybody,

I'm almost at my wits end here. Will try to keep this short and sweet.

My wife of 9 years (second marriage for us both, and I think it is the biggest mistake 've ever made other than getting married the first time !), is just not affectionate in anyway anymore. Very sudden turn around after 6 months of marriage.

Sex once a month if Im lucky, and then very unsatisfying due to no effort on her behalf at all. I have to do ALL the initiating ...AND...starts talking about her elderly Aunty ( just ONE example) just as im trying to do it!!! Man....what a turn off! Complains the whole time that Im hurting her is some  way or another .,  Even if I hug her she will hold her arms in front of her chest.

I am Craving some physical contact .Skin Hunger they call it, just a caress, a touch, something....I feel so neglected....

Just never shuts up about other peoples dramas, NEVER ! I just even have trouble being in the same room as her now. Its breaking my heart.

There was a disturbing incident involving her cousin some years ago. They were spending a lot of time together and then had a big falling out and her cousin said to me as she was leaving, " You should hear what she's saying about you! She said that she is not sexually attracted to you anymore and she rubbishes your children! She said this 3 times!"

My wife started acting very nervous after that and denied it vehemently but body language and her nervous chatting tells me otherwise.'

Well, I dont think I handled this very well in hindsight, I should have said right everyone ,sit down , discussion time because this is serious ***.

But the cousin left and that was that. But now her actions since have only worsened my fears.

She picks on lots of little things, " Oh look , you just spilt a drop of water on the floor whilst washing your hands"

I just brush against her in bed and its" Ow you hurt me then"

And one of the most annoying things is when  say I am in the kitchen and you know how sometimes you get in someones way when they are moving around , then the body english, wow! Rolls eyes , gives impatient breath , like I have committed the worst crime!

She is quite rude and brusque with me a lot for no reason, I am one of the  easiest people in the world to get along with ( this is part of my problem I think , Im too easy and I hate conflict).

Oh one last thing , If i even make a tiny noise whilst her TV show is on God help me , but she will talk incessantly trough mine and I read a lot of technical books and same thing when doing that. This is from a woman that claims regularly that I am the best thing to ever come her way and she loves me sooo much....

I am 62 and dont have any options anymore in regards somewhere else to go. I sold my house so there went my safety net. I would walk if I had options...

I am sooo depressed. I just dont know how to addess this.

 

 

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Why have you stayed married to her this long? What do you think changed after 6 months of marriage where she was affectionate before but not after?  Did you both want to get married? How long did you date before marriage? 

Why can't you rent somewhere for now?

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Hi Batya,

What changed after 6 months?? Ive no idea. It was like someone flicked a switch. I guess I just kept hoping it would get better.

We were together 4 years before marriage. The big problem now is age and we are retiring at the end of the year. I have so much to lose by pulling the pin. It will NOT end well for me I tell you. I do not have the energy to go through that *** again. I just want it to be normal again..

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Has she ever mentioned that she’d rather the relationship ended? Or has she asked you to move out?

She seems to have a lot of contempt for you, disrespects you or potentially uses sex to control you because she doesn’t respect you. 

Are there any other issues or disagreements?

 

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Funny you should mention that, a couple of times we have had a minor disagreement ( mainly her making a mountain out of a molehill..and just recently I was holding a crab the wrong way for a photo apparently..) and  she has said ' Im happy to end this if thats what you want.."   and some  years ago when I was having some issues with my two young sons, "If you want both your boys to come here , Im happy to end this.."   Mmmm... 

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50 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Has she ever mentioned that she’d rather the relationship ended? Or has she asked you to move out?

She seems to have a lot of contempt for you, disrespects you or potentially uses sex to control you because she doesn’t respect you. 

Are there any other issues or disagreements?

 

Funny you should mention that, a couple of times we have had a minor disagreement ( mainly her making a mountain out of a molehill..and just recently I was holding a crab the wrong way for a photo apparently..) and  she has said ' Im happy to end this if thats what you want.."   and some  years ago when I was having some issues with my two young sons, "If you want both your boys to come here , Im happy to end this.."   Mmmm... 

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1 minute ago, Positive G said:

Funny you should mention that, a couple of times we have had a minor disagreement ( mainly her making a mountain out of a molehill..and just recently I was holding a crab the wrong way for a photo apparently..) and  she has said ' Im happy to end this if thats what you want.."   and some  years ago when I was having some issues with my two young sons, "If you want both your boys to come here , Im happy to end this.."   Mmmm... 

Did you meet one another while still married to first spouses? What’s the problem with your boys going over and did she mean living with you or for holiday or breaks? What was the context?

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No , well we had both been separated from our previous spouses for some time but not divorced.

In regard my boys , to live with us for a while. She said we had an agreement..not that I know of....sorry,but  my boys are not an "agreement". seems her kids can do no wrong but one small transgression from mine 'oh boy. She is quite rude to my youngest sometimes.

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1 hour ago, Positive G said:

No , well we had both been separated from our previous spouses for some time but not divorced.

In regard my boys , to live with us for a while. She said we had an agreement..not that I know of....sorry,but  my boys are not an "agreement". seems her kids can do no wrong but one small transgression from mine 'oh boy. She is quite rude to my youngest sometimes.

There’s too much resentment and hostility between the both of you for any intimacy. 

You do have a choice to leave. It’s a matter of whether you take that choice or choose not to. You talked about walking if you had options. Staying is living in limbo.

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28 minutes ago, Positive G said:

I can guarantee I'll be houseless and penniless ....not much of an option at this age

Life is short. You know it. There must be some way you can make it out of there. Can you sell the house and have your share of it? What happened to the money of the old house?

Have you had a sit-down and talked to her about how things have changed? I agree with @Rose Mosselots of resentment and disrespect is built up there. When is the last time you took her out on dates?

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Since you aren't prepared or to able to leave, well, what you see is what you get. 

She sounds like she barely even likes you anymore. I doubt that will change, I'm sorry to say. You could either be very honest about how you feel, or engage a couple's therapist. There is no guarantee things will improve, but I don't see the alternative if you aren't going to leave. 

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2 hours ago, Positive G said:

I can guarantee I'll be houseless and penniless ....not much of an option at this age .

Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. 

You seem angry and crotchety. Nothing she does or doesn't do or says or doesn't say  will make you happy.

Your misery is because of you.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness. Quit bad habits like drinking or sitting in front of the TV a lot.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Stop blaming her for all your self-induced problems.

 

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5 hours ago, Positive G said:

I can guarantee I'll be houseless and penniless ....not much of an option at this age .No hostility as such especially from me or her, resentment for me , yes. Im sure she has no idea how i feel.

Why can't you get a job? I have a number of friends in their 60s who work, of course.  Do you have a disability -if so consider resources for that. I'm 55 as is my husband.  We both work, no plans to retire in our 60s.

If you won the lottery would you stay or go? She obviously doesn't care if you leave or not -how is that a good way to be in a relationship and why would you want to have sex with someone who doesn't care?

Edited by Batya33
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I agree with what everyone else is saying. . but.  Sex, or that lack of is often a barometer of what it going on in the relationship.  You can't expect to have unresolved issues out of the bedroom and then have her be a sex kitten inside of it.

She is obviously unhappy about some things.  As well as you.  (other than sex)  Have you considered marriage counseling to help you two sort out your issues?

What you two are experiencing is not unique.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I'd seek legal advice to learn my options along with the best steps for each option. Then you can operate based on real knowledge rather than assumptions and emotions.

If money is an issue, learn whether you qualify for legal aid or other senior services. Start with requesting a referral to a case worker at your local hospital, and learn about possible resources to help you navigate this time.

Once you've learned your legal options you can choose a legal course, or you can try to negotiate with wife. But you'll need to figure out your leverage to offer her something of value to her in exchange for what's valuable to you.

In other words, what's in it for her to be nicer to you? That needs to be part of your offer. 

Something made her angry with you 6 months after your marriage. That's never been resolved. I'd consider starting there to offer her resolution if you want to negotiate any changes with her.

Otherwise, learn whether you can sell your property in order to live separately, regardless of whether you divorce.

Edited by catfeeder
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I think that you should have looked better and that its your own fault for the situation you are in. You were in one bad marriage. Instead of being careful you entered in marriage with somebody who criticizes your children and thinks they are worthless( I googled what rubbishes means lol). And on top of that you cut out your safety line in case you need to separate and sold your home. 

But I also think its never too late. Ive seen lots of examples of people who start building from nothing even after marriages and kids. Kids are probably not little, they will now or soon make it on their own. You? You make your own path. Until the divorce and everything settles get an appartment. Heck I have an aunt that divorced few years ago and they split their home where she took second floor and has separate entry. Because nobody could afford to pay up the other one. Though, I would recommend appartment. 

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What country do you live in that you would be penniless and homeless if you divorce? What happened to the money from the sale of your house? Do you have savings and retirement funds? How old are your children now? Do you rent or own? Did you move into her house?

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Homeless is a really miserable word can’t you just rent an apartment? Your children must be in their 20s maybe you can stay with them for a while. Children are important I didn’t like the way your wife talked about your children for me this is unacceptable.

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