My Ex's Doppelganger...

[Cynder]

I work the overnight shift at a 24/7 gym.  We aren't that busy at night and I'm there by myself a lot.  This woman started coming in about once a week who looks just like my ex girlfriend.  I mean, the resemblance is creepy.  This really messes with me.  I am not behind the front desk most of the time.  I'm cleaning, stocking, etc.  But every time I come around the corner and see her standing at the front desk my heart just sinks.  For a second I think my ex is standing there.  And then I realize it's not her.  And I'm relieved, but still... 

My ex has some serious mental problems that she's not getting any help for that I'm aware of.  My therapist has told me it's likely my ex has BPD.  She also has a drinking problem.  And she's really histrionic and attention seeking.  She's really dramatic on social media, etc.  I'm only saying all this so people have an idea for the kind of person she is. 

Her and I were together for a long time.  We lived together.  We were planning on getting married.  And then one day she just left out of nowhere.  No warning.  No conversation.  Nothing.  She also managed to turn a lot of my friends against me right after this by playing the victim and convincing everyone I'm some kind of monster. 

But anyway...  one of the reasons she left me was because she is really insecure about her looks and according to her I told her she was beautiful too many times.  She decided that she hates her body and how she looks, so she just couldn't be with someone who likes how she looks.  And she knows she's attractive, too.  That's the kicker.  She is one of these people who talks about how ugly she is just so people will tell her she isn't ugly. 

Well, the other night her doppelganger came into the club.  Normally this woman is really plain looking.  She's usually wearing sweats, he hair is messy, and she doesn't have makeup on.  Well, the other night she was all made up, dressed nice, hair done, etc.  I told her she looks really nice today.  And then she went and tanned.  And as she was leaving she came up to me and told me, "I was really feeling ugly today.  You're compliment meant so much to me.  You made my day.  Thank you."  I handled it the way anyone else would, smiled, said you're welcome and told her to have a good night.  But when she left I was there by myself and had to go in the bathroom and cry for a few minutes. 

I haven't cried over her in a while now.  It's like every time I think I'm crawling out of the dark place... something like this happens.  And this whole thing was so mundane and harmless.  But just the fact that there is someone out there who looks just like her who also thinks they are ugly, and actually appreciated me complimenting them... I just hit really hard. 

And then last night I was cleaning the bathroom at work and someone left a half drank can of beer in one of the tampon receptacles.  It was a kind of beer that my ex was obsessed with.  No, I don't think she was at my work and left it there.  It was just one of those things...  It's not half drank cans of beer are something I find at work a lot.  Who brings alcohol to a gym?  It was just another one of those things that really made me think of her. 

My ex has shown over and over again that she is at best unstable and at worst toxic.  Why the hell can't I just wash my hands of her and that chapter in my life?  I'm in therapy.  I'm trying to stay off social media.  I'm trying to go out and meet new people (LGBTQ meetups, etc... not looking to date anyone, just make some friends) and I decided I'm not going to drink alcohol for the time being.  I don't have a drinking problem.  I just decided it doesn't bring any positivity to my life at this time.  So I just won't indulge in it.  I live with a drunk.  I was raised by alcoholics.  My ex is an alcoholic in complete denial.  I just have seen it ruin too many lives.  I'm not commuting to be a teetotaler for life.  But for right now, no thank you.  I also started eating a lot better and working out on the regular.  Why the hell is nothing helping?  I'm starting to wonder if I'm ever going to be myself again.  

 

[Rose Mosse]

Three exes ago I dated a celebrity doppelgänger. Very unhelpful and empathize with this problem. And during my divorce I broke down at the recycling bin in my backyard because I saw an old cracker box that had fallen off to the side. It reminded me of my ex husband but it’s been two years now and I’m glad it’s behind me. I wish him peace. 

Anyway, I hear you. 

[Cynder]

1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

Three exes ago I dated a celebrity doppelgänger. Very unhelpful and empathize with this problem. And during my divorce I broke down at the recycling bin in my backyard because I saw an old cracker box that had fallen off to the side. It reminded me of my ex husband but it’s been two years now and I’m glad it’s behind me. I wish him peace. 

Anyway, I hear you. 

My ex husband looked just like Rob Zombie.  I've been through the whole celebrity doppelganger thing too.  And he was a musician, also. 

[DancingFool]

Yes, you will absolutely feel like yourself again. Just be kind and patient with yourself about that.

What you are dealing with is really just the normal pains of healing and moving on post break up. Yes, you will get triggered by things and even people that in some ways remind you of your ex. Heck, some days you will miss your ex like crazy. It's OK. It's normal. Healing and grief come in waves.

In the grand scheme of things, your break up is still pretty recent and so you have to give yourself time and kindness and just keep doing what you are doing. It all does work in time, but it takes time. It would be very strange if you were totally fine and moved on by now. The healing is subtle. Some day you'll just realize with surprise that things that would have triggered you before, don't anymore. In the meantime, give yourself some slack. Your brain knows what needs to happen, but your heart needs some time to get on board with that.

[Cynder]

5 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Yes, you will absolutely feel like yourself again. Just be kind and patient with yourself about that.

What you are dealing with is really just the normal pains of healing and moving on post break up. Yes, you will get triggered by things and even people that in some ways remind you of your ex. Heck, some days you will miss your ex like crazy. It's OK. It's normal. Healing and grief come in waves.

In the grand scheme of things, your break up is still pretty recent and so you have to give yourself time and kindness and just keep doing what you are doing. It all does work in time, but it takes time. It would be very strange if you were totally fine and moved on by now. The healing is subtle. Some day you'll just realize with surprise that things that would have triggered you before, don't anymore. In the meantime, give yourself some slack. Your brain knows what needs to happen, but your heart needs some time to get on board with that.

Yea, it hasn't even been 8 months.  I guess it hasn't helped that a lot of people in my life have told me I am grieving "wrong."  People tell me I need to just forget her, etc.  She was apparently over me the day she left.  She's been in two relationships since leaving.  Both only lasted a couple weeks. 

And then it doesn't help that people I thought were my friends will come to me and talk about what a POS my ex is... then I see those same people being all buddy buddy with her and kissing her ass on Facebook.  And I know I shouldn't even be looking at her Facebook to see that.  It's not like I think it's ok to be doing that.  That's why I got off social media. 

I am still in love with her even though I know it's pointless to feel anything for her.  I can't just shut it off.  And she's given me plenty of reasons to not feel this way.  All through February she was texting me a lot.  She told me she still loves me and was dropping hints about wanting to fix things.  Then as soon as she got me to admit I still have feelings for her, suddenly she wasn't interested anymore and she started dating someone else.  This is all a game to her.  And here I am trying to figure out what the hell I ever did to deserve any of it.  What because I was physically attracted to her and liked the way she looks?  In her eyes that probably justifies all of this.

[Rose Mosse]

When you feel comfortable and no longer need those connections, I believe you'll let them go too in your own time. I'm referring to those mutual friends or acquaintances or anyone who hasn't really proven to be a friend in any way to you. 

Sometimes people enjoy the ego stroke before moving on or constantly need someone in their life to help them feel good about themselves(romantically, speaking). 

[Cynder]

10 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

When you feel comfortable and no longer need those connections, I believe you'll let them go too in your own time. I'm referring to those mutual friends or acquaintances or anyone who hasn't really proven to be a friend in any way to you. 

Sometimes people enjoy the ego stroke before moving on or constantly need someone in their life to help them feel good about themselves(romantically, speaking). 

She definitely is one of those people.  She's a very insecure person deep down.  And she has nothing to be insecure about.  She's really talented and really intelligent.  And she's really pretty too.  I mean, I wish I was as blessed as her. 

[Rose Mosse]

8 minutes ago, Cynder said:

She definitely is one of those people.  She's a very insecure person deep down.  And she has nothing to be insecure about.  She's really talented and really intelligent.  And she's really pretty too.  I mean, I wish I was as blessed as her. 

Her insecurity revolves around her internal issues with herself. If a person is insecure the only person who can fix that in themselves is that person. There is anxiety and treatment for anxiety but I don't believe another person's insecurities are fixable by anyone else on the outside, least of all by partners or those romantically involved. 

You could have loved her as much as you did or do but that won't change the issues she has with herself.

Certain situations make anxieties and insecurities worse but ultimately it does rest on the individual to make smart or better choices and avoid those situations altogether. That's also why we pick partners who are compatible with us or complement us overall. It's not a foolproof way to live an anxious-free life (doesn't exist anyway) but it can take away a lot of the frustration warring with ourselves about whether someone is good for us or not and becoming insecure about a relationship.

[Cynder]

16 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Her insecurity revolves around her internal issues with herself. If a person is insecure the only person who can fix that in themselves is that person. There is anxiety and treatment for anxiety but I don't believe another person's insecurities are fixable by anyone else on the outside, least of all by partners or those romantically involved. 

You could have loved her as much as you did or do but that won't change the issues she has with herself.

Certain situations make anxieties and insecurities worse but ultimately it does rest on the individual to make smart or better choices and avoid those situations altogether. That's also why we pick partners who are compatible with us or complement us overall. It's not a foolproof way to live an anxious-free life (doesn't exist anyway) but it can take away a lot of the frustration warring with ourselves about whether someone is good for us or not and becoming insecure about a relationship.

A lot of her insecurities come down to gender identity.  She hates that she was born biologically male.  She resented me a lot for being born biologically female.  That became really clear the longer we were together.  And it's obvious she hates herself for being Trans, but she doesn't want to admit that so she projected all that onto me after we broke up.  She got so many people thinking I'm this transphobic monster. 

This one time I put a box of hair color I just bought on the bathroom sink.  It had a picture of a pretty girl with rainbow hair on it.  I just bought it and I put it there because I was planning on using it later on that night.  Well, she got really upset with me over that.  The picture of a pretty girl triggered her and I should have known better and been more sensitive to her feelings. 

I told her once that I understand what it's like to hate how she looks and hate her body.  I hate how I look.  Well of course, I have NO IDEA what she struggles with EVERY DAY!  And HOW DARE I compare my issues to hers! 

These are the things that (in her eyes) make me so against people like her.  But from my perspective all I did was put a box of hair color on the bathroom sink.  It's not like I put it there to intentionally trigger her.  And I was just trying to relate a little to her by saying I know what it's like to hate how you look.  But of course, I was just making light of her problems. 

As time went on the harder I tried to not upset her the more she got upset.  Now she's got a lot of people thinking I just hate trans people. 

But, she also only takes her hormones about 50% of the time, and she presents as masculine about 90% of the time.  By presenting as masculine I mean, dressed like a ,man, facial hair, and using her male voice.  But if we went out and she looked like that and someone called her Sir or He, then it was on.  And she's really upset.  And I try to comfort her.  But no matter what, she just gets madder and madder at me.  But really I'm just thinking, Well you can't just expect people to know by osmosis that you're female when you go out looking, talking and dressing like a guy.  But I never said that.  I knew better. 

Over time she just projected so much crap onto me.  And there was nothing I could do to make it better.  And this started taking a tole on my mental health.  I started getting more depressed.  She started drinking really heavily.  And I just became the enemy in her eyes.  When in reality I was her biggest ally. 

I feel like she will always see me as someone who hated her kind and made her feel bad about herself.  But in reality she did that on her own.  If she ever does look back and realize all this, it will be too late, I'm sure.  And her looks are going to fade.  Especially with all the drinking.  She's already 44 years old and the rose is starting to lose it's bloom.  Pretty soon she won't be able to just get everything she wants anymore.  And she might look back and realize all those bridges she burned can't be rebuilt.  Hopefully she wakes up before that. 

I had a near death experience in 2016.  That was my waking up moment.  Unfortunately not a lot of people have NDEs.  It takes something that drastic for most people. 

[wealthydior]

That is so obvious that she has a mental illness. I couldn’t know which one but they are kinda same. I’m not blaming you but when I was anorexic I was getting triggered by every food in my house that my brother bought.(he was leaving his junk food all over the house) I know my subject and hers are completely different. What I mean is that she need to get a therapy. Now that she is not your problem you can’t really do anything.

 

 

About the doppelganger you can always see doppelgangers of your loved or ex loved ones. Yes resemblance may be creepy. But are you sure that it’s that creepy or it seems so creepy because you maybe miss her or maybe think about her or maybe still upset about your past relationship? Even if it’s because of the resemblance you can’t do much about it. Just be happy that you got out of a toxic relationship.

[Rose Mosse]

44 minutes ago, Cynder said:

A lot of her insecurities come down to gender identity.  She hates that she was born biologically male.  She resented me a lot for being born biologically female.  That became really clear the longer we were together.  And it's obvious she hates herself for being Trans, but she doesn't want to admit that so she projected all that onto me after we broke up.  She got so many people thinking I'm this transphobic monster. 

This one time I put a box of hair color I just bought on the bathroom sink.  It had a picture of a pretty girl with rainbow hair on it.  I just bought it and I put it there because I was planning on using it later on that night.  Well, she got really upset with me over that.  The picture of a pretty girl triggered her and I should have known better and been more sensitive to her feelings. 

I told her once that I understand what it's like to hate how she looks and hate her body.  I hate how I look.  Well of course, I have NO IDEA what she struggles with EVERY DAY!  And HOW DARE I compare my issues to hers! 

These are the things that (in her eyes) make me so against people like her.  But from my perspective all I did was put a box of hair color on the bathroom sink.  It's not like I put it there to intentionally trigger her.  And I was just trying to relate a little to her by saying I know what it's like to hate how you look.  But of course, I was just making light of her problems. 

As time went on the harder I tried to not upset her the more she got upset.  Now she's got a lot of people thinking I just hate trans people. 

But, she also only takes her hormones about 50% of the time, and she presents as masculine about 90% of the time.  By presenting as masculine I mean, dressed like a ,man, facial hair, and using her male voice.  But if we went out and she looked like that and someone called her Sir or He, then it was on.  And she's really upset.  And I try to comfort her.  But no matter what, she just gets madder and madder at me.  But really I'm just thinking, Well you can't just expect people to know by osmosis that you're female when you go out looking, talking and dressing like a guy.  But I never said that.  I knew better. 

Over time she just projected so much crap onto me.  And there was nothing I could do to make it better.  And this started taking a tole on my mental health.  I started getting more depressed.  She started drinking really heavily.  And I just became the enemy in her eyes.  When in reality I was her biggest ally. 

I feel like she will always see me as someone who hated her kind and made her feel bad about herself.  But in reality she did that on her own.  If she ever does look back and realize all this, it will be too late, I'm sure.  And her looks are going to fade.  Especially with all the drinking.  She's already 44 years old and the rose is starting to lose it's bloom.  Pretty soon she won't be able to just get everything she wants anymore.  And she might look back and realize all those bridges she burned can't be rebuilt.  Hopefully she wakes up before that. 

I had a near death experience in 2016.  That was my waking up moment.  Unfortunately not a lot of people have NDEs.  It takes something that drastic for most people. 

There's no way to help someone like this. I'm glad you're out of the relationship now and can see things a little more like how she projected her issues and frustrations onto you. You are an ally. She may not realize that now or later but it doesn't change the fact that you are or were a loving partner.

[DarkCh0c0]

@Cynder I mean this in the best way possible: your ex brought out the worst in you.

Please take your time to heal and move on. When you need that space to release emotion, absolutely do it by all means. It's normal to have triggers, but their effect will lessen as time goes. Love yourself enough to not accept being treated like in that relationship ever again. 

Hang in there. The heart will heal 💚 take care of you.

[Cynder]

17 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

There's no way to help someone like this. I'm glad you're out of the relationship now and can see things a little more like how she projected her issues and frustrations onto you. You are an ally. She may not realize that now or later but it doesn't change the fact that you are or were a loving partner.

I really was cheering her on.  I was so ready to support her through her transition, etc. 

And she was so lucky to have really feminine bone structure and really soft features.  So when she was all dressed up, you couldn't even tell she was biologically male.  She was drop dead gorgeous as a woman and also drop dead gorgeous as a man.  I found her attractive both ways.  And she always said that was something she loved about me.  Because according to her, past exes either wanted her to be one way or the other.  But I guess me saying I find her attractive both ways was another big no no.  I was only supposed to be attracted to her as a woman.  Of course she didn't make this known until after she left and she told a bunch of mutual friends about it and not me.  I was supposed to be a mind reader I suppose. 

It's just so frustrating looking back.  All I ever wanted was for her to be happy and to be happy with her.  I was so proud to be with her.  She has so much talent and so much to offer the world.  And now that's all going to waste because all she does is sit around getting drunk.  I've seen multiple people drink themselves to death.  It's not a good way to go. 

After all I've been through in my life I thought I finally found someone I connected with.

[Rose Mosse]

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

I really was cheering her on.  I was so ready to support her through her transition, etc. 

And she was so lucky to have really feminine bone structure and really soft features.  So when she was all dressed up, you couldn't even tell she was biologically male.  She was drop dead gorgeous as a woman and also drop dead gorgeous as a man.  I found her attractive both ways.  And she always said that was something she loved about me.  Because according to her, past exes either wanted her to be one way or the other.  But I guess me saying I find her attractive both ways was another big no no.  I was only supposed to be attracted to her as a woman.  Of course she didn't make this known until after she left and she told a bunch of mutual friends about it and not me.  I was supposed to be a mind reader I suppose. 

It's just so frustrating looking back.  All I ever wanted was for her to be happy and to be happy with her.  I was so proud to be with her.  She has so much talent and so much to offer the world.  And now that's all going to waste because all she does is sit around getting drunk.  I've seen multiple people drink themselves to death.  It's not a good way to go. 

After all I've been through in my life I thought I finally found someone I connected with.

What were her plans for transitioning? I’m asking as it seems like a long journey from what I’ve seen. Where is she at now. 

When someone is unhappy with themselves or need to make peace with themselves (still unhappy), the ongoing war will always be one with themselves. That will always be the ongoing dialogue. We can’t love others if we can’t accept who we are.

You provided a space and love for the relationship to grow but it didn’t. You did see signs that were red flags early on. Maybe it was too late as you were attached or fell in love with her. 

 

[Cynder]

45 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

What were her plans for transitioning? I’m asking as it seems like a long journey from what I’ve seen. Where is she at now. 

When someone is unhappy with themselves or need to make peace with themselves (still unhappy), the ongoing war will always be one with themselves. That will always be the ongoing dialogue. We can’t love others if we can’t accept who we are.

You provided a space and love for the relationship to grow but it didn’t. You did see signs that were red flags early on. Maybe it was too late as you were attached or fell in love with her. 

 

She is in the very beginning.  But she's been at thay point for 6 years.  She started when she was 38. The reason she hasn't gone further with the process is on her. She will start HRT then stop.  Then she will start again and then stop.  It's almost like she doesn't really want to transition at all.  Her insurance pays for HRT so she doesn't keep running out of money or anything.  She just makes excuses for stopping.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Cynder said:

She is in the very beginning.  But she's been at thay point for 6 years.  She started when she was 38. The reason she hasn't gone further with the process is on her. She will start HRT then stop.  Then she will start again and then stop.  It's almost like she doesn't really want to transition at all.  Her insurance pays for HRT so she doesn't keep running out of money or anything.  She just makes excuses for stopping.

I see. She would be the only one with the answers and even so maybe ones that are uncertain to her. All you can do is let go and slowly move on with the things you need to do for yourself and keep your life on track. 

Keep yourself busy and cry when you need to. No sense holding it in. 

[catfeeder]

Dearest Cynder,

Have you heard of the Groucho Marx syndrome? It's when someone disapproves of themselves so much, they say, "I wouldn't want to join any club that would accept me as a member..."

That's Z--seeking but then rejecting anyone who would actually love and accept her.

The more you tried to soothe her with your love and acceptance, the more she took you for granted--until she actually villainized you into her adversary in order to make her break from you.

And she could tell herself you deserved it for allowing her into your club.

Villainizing is pretty common--yet unconscious. It's most obvious when people are already clear that they're making a break, such as with employees leaving a company, neighbors moving from a neighborhood, teenagers leaving the home to live at school, or lovers who are leaving, They invent and CAUSE some form of drama, and then they can blame the 'other' for their own choice to leave in anger rather than in sadness.

The anger makes it easier to burn that bridge.

Objectively, there was never any REAL cause for a rift. So they invent a reason, or many reasons. The whole point is to create a fictitious villain to justify anger.

Trying to make sense of being villainized, of course, doesn't make any sense--because it's fiction. In your case, whatever story Z needed to tell herself to rationalize her own actions is where she cast you, and it doesn't matter that it wasn't reality.

I think you've understood this for a while, but it helps to remind yourself of it during the spin cycles when you find yourself upset and missing her. Those are a natural part of grief.

It's doubtful that she ever believed or believes the crap she's projected onto you. She'd just reached her saturation point with your adoration, so she craved an exit, and that's not a reflection on you--it's about her limits with anyone who can accept her.

So accepting Z in either form, or both, while significant to you, was a signal to her that she'd conquered and needed to move on.

And that's not anything you did 'wrong,' it was a subconscious signal to her, because she's a rolling stone. She's not going to accept acceptance, she will always villainize it, and she will never be contented or at peace.

And you know this. You're scratching at surfaces that prompt you to revisit this, but that's not for lack of progress--it's because of it. These discomforts are your milestones. Keep on writing them, and know that you've tapped the hearts of strangers, and you've made us care about you.

(((Big HUG))),
Cat

[Cynder]

19 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Dearest Cynder,

Have you heard of the Groucho Marx syndrome? It's when someone disapproves of themselves so much, they say, "I wouldn't want to join any club that would accept me as a member..."

That's Z--seeking but then rejecting anyone who would actually love and accept her.

The more you tried to soothe her with your love and acceptance, the more she took you for granted--until she actually villainized you into her adversary in order to make her break from you.

And she could tell herself you deserved it for allowing her into your club.

Villainizing is pretty common--yet unconscious. It's most obvious when people are already clear that they're making a break, such as with employees leaving a company, neighbors moving from a neighborhood, teenagers leaving the home to live at school, or lovers who are leaving, They invent and CAUSE some form of drama, and then they can blame the 'other' for their own choice to leave in anger rather than in sadness.

The anger makes it easier to burn that bridge.

Objectively, there was never any REAL cause for a rift. So they invent a reason, or many reasons. The whole point is to create a fictitious villain to justify anger.

Trying to make sense of being villainized, of course, doesn't make any sense--because it's fiction. In your case, whatever story Z needed to tell herself to rationalize her own actions is where she cast you, and it doesn't matter that it wasn't reality.

I think you've understood this for a while, but it helps to remind yourself of it during the spin cycles when you find yourself upset and missing her. Those are a natural part of grief.

It's doubtful that she ever believed or believes the crap she's projected onto you. She'd just reached her saturation point with your adoration, so she craved an exit, and that's not a reflection on you--it's about her limits with anyone who can accept her.

So accepting Z in either form, or both, while significant to you, was a signal to her that she'd conquered and needed to move on.

And that's not anything you did 'wrong,' it was a subconscious signal to her, because she's a rolling stone. She's not going to accept acceptance, she will always villainize it, and she will never be contented or at peace.

And you know this. You're scratching at surfaces that prompt you to revisit this, but that's not for lack of progress--it's because of it. These discomforts are your milestones. Keep on writing them, and know that you've tapped the hearts of strangers, and you've made us care about you.

(((Big HUG))),
Cat

I woke up today and just could not stop crying.  Like, to the point where my eyes hurt and I had a headache from crying. 

And then the situation was just made worse when my nephew asked me to go out on the porch and hang out with him and my roommate.  Keep in mind my ex and my roommate are friends.  My roommate is one of the friends who took her side even after knowing me for 20 years. 

So we were out on the porch and roomate starts talking about how her and her boyfriend were out at a bar and this girl came up to them and they all were talking.  And the girl asked them what their pronouns are.  Then she starts telling me that they basically told this girl that they don't believe in all that pronoun BS and if someone looks like a he or a she that's what they call them, etc.  And I guess her and her BF and their whole little group spent the evening making fun of this girl for asking that.  Ok... if Z would have been present for this conversation she would have been foaming at the mouth.  That would have made her really angry.  And yet my roommate is someone she is friends with and has no issue with. 

I hung out outside for a few more minutes because of my nephew.  But then I just had to go back inside. 

It just seems so unfair that I get labeled as being so hateful, etc, but she is friends with someone who actually is hateful.  Like... I'm sure there are people reading this and questioning if I'm even telling the truth because it doesn't make any sense at all.  But this actually happened tonight.  I'm not lying at all. 

You do make a good point though.  Someone who hates themself so much they can't accept anyone who loves them.  I can't imagine hating myself that much and I am a pretty self loathing individual (working on it, but I still am at my core.) 

There is an old Simpsons episode where Marge finds a Chanel suit at a discount store and buys it.  Then she gets seen in it and invited to the country club to hang out with rich women. As time goes on she gets more and more into hanging out at the country club and starts treating her family differently.  And at the end of the episode she says something like that.  :Like, "I refuse to join a club that would have this me as a member."  I know it's not the same situation but ti still made me think of that episode.  

She used to tell me all the time that I am her "one."  That was such a big thing for her.  All her life she could never find the one.  She always was looking for the one.  Then she told me all the time that I was that one.  I wonder if she meant it or if she just says that to everyone she is with.  I guess it doesn't matter either way.  But her saying that meant so much to me because in the past I've always been someone second choice or their last resort.  My ex husband actually told me he just settled for me because no one he really wanted would date him.  I had another ex tell me once, "Well, nobody gets the person they really want.  That's just how it is."  Ok... so he was saying I'm not the person he really wants I guess? 

And Z and I knew each other for a while before we dated.  It's not like she just met me and was completely infatuated out of nowhere.  We were friends for a long time and then roommates.  That also messes with me.  Because she always seemed so genuine even just as a friend.  So it's like she was either playing a really long con or I was the problem. 

I just hope all this work I'm doing on myself will actually pay off one day.  Even if it doesn't result in me finding anyone.  I'm fine with being single if I can just be happy. 

I won't lie though, I do hope eventually she sees the truth about some of these "friends." who  she thinks really support people like her but actually don't.