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Should I leave my 3.5 year relationship


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. I found out my bf has been manipulative in conflict without him realizing it about a month ago, I felt deviated when I realized and I was horrified, He would often yell at me and it was on the line of verbal abuse. We went through a whole recokening about what to do and we took a week off of not talking. During this time I was leaning towards breaking up. When. I came back I saw how much work he began doing to unlearn these past ways of dealing with conflict. He read a book and is planning on going to thearpy, I have seen him expressing his emotions more and being more in touch with them. I know he has been watching videos about managing anger and stress in general. He is truly committed to changing this part of himself and I have already seen these changes. I have no doubt he is genuine in this change, I can’t promise it will last forever, but Iknow it is positive change. 

 

I just don’t know what to do because I wonder if we can get thorough this together. We are extremely compatible and our futures align with everything. We have been dealing with conflict better and honestly enjoying each other’s company. The only thing is sometimes I feel a bit empty inside, I don’t know if it is because of my SAD, season,a depression, or the relationship. I feel happy with him right now and I am sure he will change, I can help be curious of what single life would be like because I am only twenty two. But this man is truly great and we both love each other have been dating for so long. We are compatible,  but what do I do. Should I break up and focus on. Myself or should I tend my own grass and continue to work on this relationship even though there is the risk of every relationship of it not working out in the future? This is the hardest decision of my life and I have been contemplating for weeks on what to do. My future really will change based on this decision as I am graduating college in may  and will have to plan my life depending on what I decide. Please help, thank you. 

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Sorry this is happening. The first step is seeing a physician about your physical and mental health. Rule out physical causes for the inertia and lassitude.

Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist (do not tell him) discuss how unhappy (empty) you are and how much conflict there is.

Read up on abusive relationships and how promises to change and temporary change are all part of abusive relationships.

Don't settle for someone who makes you feel empty or who quickly changes when you threaten to leave. Keep in mind he can change back just as quickly. 

Talk to trusted friends and family about the abuse. You will meet plenty of people and plenty of opportunities to be happy once you let go of this.

Edited by Wiseman2
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I suggest you have a look at and reflect on https://booktrib.com/2018/04/10/interview-avery-neal-emotional-abuse/

Your relationship is abusive. You deserve better. Love yourself enough to choose what truly makes you happy. The grass is greener elsewhere because on your side there's no grass... If that makes sense to you.

Listen to your feelings and inner voice. Please reflect on the article above and see if you identify in some ways. My advice is for you to also reflect on how you feel in this relationship, how your needs are not being met, how it's not healthy and you're not being treated right,ect. And leave. But, you need to see it for yourself.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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On 3/29/2022 at 2:35 PM, Hdjdndjdicjcm said:

I can help be curious of what single life would be like because I am only twenty two. But this man is truly great and we both love each other have been dating for so long.

In the first sentence you're reasoning with yourself about why you should go, and then refuting it with a "but."

After 3 and a half years together, if he were right for you, there wouldn't be these major weighing of options on the scales. You'd be 100 percent confident of moving forward with him.

This is a watershed moment for you, graduating from college, and a common time to really think about if what's going on in the present will transfer seamlessly into the future.

He's not the only man capable of being compatible with you in the ways you desire. And it's better to find a man without issues involving abusiveness, versus waiting around to see if someone will make good on improving their behavior. Sometimes it's too little too late, even if they do improve. Might be why you feel "empty."

Sounds like a fresh start is what you desire. Congrats on your upcoming graduation!

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I’m of the mindset where life is meant to be lived without being restricted and your career comes first. Make any plans you need to make for graduation and finish with him if needed.

You’re focussed too much on what he is or what he wants and issues he has when you have your full life ahead of you. Make the most of it and don’t limit yourself. 

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