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I Don't Understand Why She Is Doing This


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You might have been friends in the past, but the past is the past. 

Clearly, she doesn't want to be close you anymore. And we won't be able to explain it, beyond pointing out that she sounds erratic. 

3 hours ago, DavidCA said:

I've met potential friends who when they first meet me they talk my right ear off telling me all sorts of confidential things.  Then the next time I see them they yell at me and break it off. 

Do you tend to be attracted to dysfunctional people? It's odd that this has happened more than once. Where are you meeting these people? 

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36 minutes ago, DavidCA said:

I understand what you are saying.  Just because she confided in me and I in her in the past doesn't mean, according to her, we were good friends.  When we reconnected she again confided in me and told me about the drama going on in her life.  I assumed we were making a connection again.  It's just different perspectives.  

We won’t get along with everyone depending on perspectives and expectations. We can only let time do the talking and reveal the characters of different people. You expected her to be your friend early on and that’s where things went awry. You barely know this person although you expected to know her. The fact is you don’t. 

Individuals often hope to reconcile with exes and post this issue on the forum also in a different context. And then are surprised that the people they knew from the past are not who they are now and there is a false sense of intimacy or trust. 

Do you have a crush on her since the old days? I ask as you seem to care a great deal about this person who doesn’t seem to think or feel the same way you do.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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54 minutes ago, DavidCA said:

I understand what you are saying.  Just because she confided in me and I in her in the past doesn't mean, according to her, we were good friends.  When we reconnected she again confided in me and told me about the drama going on in her life.  I assumed we were making a connection again.  It's just different perspectives.  

^And therein is your problem - you are assuming that just because someone confided in you, that it means that you now have a connection. You should have learned by now that you don't. It's not just different perspectives. Your rather consistent life experience should have taught you the hard way by now that your perspective is actually wrong. Specifically, that someone oversharing or otherwise venting to you does NOT create any kind of friendship or connection.

Also, when you presume to have that connection, it backfires and people aggressively push you back and away from them. It's not so much that all people are suddenly embarrassed and become aggressive, it's that YOU don't seem to get basic social interactions and boundaries. In that respect, your therapist isn't being very helpful to you. He/she is pacifying you rather than telling you the more brutal truth that your assumptions/perspective is wrong and needs a big adjustment.

This woman is really a case in point for the above. You have presumed to have some great friendship and connection. She is practically screaming at you that you have no such thing. You claim to have had this great friendship and she is telling you point blank that she did not consider you a friend. You have got to start learning and fixing your understanding of social interactions. Otherwise you'll keep feeling stuck and confused, despite the very obvious message that your "friendship" isn't welcome.

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I also think she felt you were being over familiar and trying to force the friendship and it rubbed her up the wrong way and made her suspicious about your motives. That could be why she tried to downplay your college friendship. And perhaps attacking you was her way of trying to create some distance between you in a dysfunctional way. 

Anyway you tried to reconnect but it didn't work out. So best to move on and make other friends and leave her alone. 

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2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

We won’t get along with everyone depending on perspectives and expectations. We can only let time do the talking and reveal the characters of different people. You expected her to be your friend early on and that’s where things went awry. You barely know this person although you expected to know her. The fact is you don’t. 

Individuals often hope to reconcile with exes and post this issue on the forum also in a different context. And then are surprised that the people they knew from the past are not who they are now and there is a false sense of intimacy or trust. 

Do you have a crush on her since the old days? I ask as you seem to care a great deal about this person who doesn’t seem to think or feel the same way you do.

Thank you for responding.  You made a good point asking if I had a crush on her.  I'm reflecting on this relationship and I believe I did.  I'm viewing this relationship through "rose-tinted" glasses.  At that time, I was seeing a therapist and told her about this relationship (things I didn't mention in this post).  I'm a Chiropractor and I was giving her free treatments and massages.  The therapist told me she is using me.  Instead of offering her these free services, ask her for lunch.  I did this and she went "poof."  I missed her so much I told her I would continue the free treatments and she came back.

I realize this is all my fault.  I now believe if I could offer her something she could use she wouldn't have attacked me and we would still be friends.  I just thought of this now.  I guess I have to look at myself and ask why do I allow people to use me? In any case, it's hard when you care for someone.

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2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I also think she felt you were being over familiar and trying to force the friendship and it rubbed her up the wrong way and made her suspicious about your motives. That could be why she tried to downplay your college friendship. And perhaps attacking you was her way of trying to create some distance between you in a dysfunctional way. 

Anyway you tried to reconnect but it didn't work out. So best to move on and make other friends and leave her alone. 

I agree with what you said.  But she was the one who confided in me and told me about all the drama in her life.  I didn't do that.  I just responded to what she wrote and asked her some questions.  I think that's when she thought I was being over familiar.  She thought I was prying.

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1 hour ago, DavidCA said:

Thank you for responding.  You made a good point asking if I had a crush on her.  I'm reflecting on this relationship and I believe I did.  I'm viewing this relationship through "rose-tinted" glasses.  At that time, I was seeing a therapist and told her about this relationship (things I didn't mention in this post). I'm a Chiropractor and I was giving her free treatments and massages.  The therapist told me she is using me.  Instead of offering her these free services, ask her for lunch.  I did this and she went "poof."  I missed her so much I told her I would continue the free treatments and she came back.

I realize this is all my fault.  I now believe if I could offer her something she could use she wouldn't have attacked me and we would still be friends.  I just thought of this now.  I guess I have to look at myself and ask why do I allow people to use me? In any case, it's hard when you care for someone.

🤦‍♀️

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1 hour ago, DavidCA said:

I now believe if I could offer her something she could use she wouldn't have attacked me and we would still be friends.

No, this is not "friends". This is someone using you and then ditching you when she couldn't use you anymore. And you want to continue to be used?

I asked you about friends and family because you seem extremely overly invested in this woman, as though she's the only one in your life. But if you have other REAL friends she wouldn't be so important to you. But now you admit you wanted more (which was crystal clear to all of us).

Don't give her anymore free services. She's not a friend.

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2 hours ago, DavidCA said:

Thank you for responding.  You made a good point asking if I had a crush on her.  I'm reflecting on this relationship and I believe I did.  I'm viewing this relationship through "rose-tinted" glasses.  At that time, I was seeing a therapist and told her about this relationship (things I didn't mention in this post).  I'm a Chiropractor and I was giving her free treatments and massages.  The therapist told me she is using me.  Instead of offering her these free services, ask her for lunch.  I did this and she went "poof."  I missed her so much I told her I would continue the free treatments and she came back.

I realize this is all my fault.  I now believe if I could offer her something she could use she wouldn't have attacked me and we would still be friends.  I just thought of this now.  I guess I have to look at myself and ask why do I allow people to use me? In any case, it's hard when you care for someone.

Did she ask for the free treatments or did you offer them? You could be sued either way for malpractice or accused of sexual harassment. Why take the risk?

Have you considered you may be depressed? Why not go in for a health check up with your doctor and explain these issues, describe possible low moods and feelings being attacked and allowing others to use you. You seem very low so your decisions are also affected by how you feel.

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Whoaa.. back off from this chicklet!

She's showing you signs of her instability.  Get the hint!

She's been married & now going thru a divorce.  Stay away now.

I learned to avoid people or walk away from those who affect my positive vibes. 😉 

 

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The why doesn’t matter. This person isn’t giving you reciprocity (she’s not reciprocating your friendship) so it’s time to let her go. 
 

I don’t think you need to understand why someone treats you the way they do, just understand they aren’t being kind and move away from them. 

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