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I Don't Understand Why She Is Doing This


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1.  I reconnected with a college friend (female, I'm male) via email. She married a wealthy man and is now going through a nasty divorce. She never worked during the marriage.

2.  The first emails were fine until she accused me of going on her personal website and gathering information to hurt her.  I told her I'd never been to her personal website and didn't even know she had one.  I told her I went looking for it but can't find it.  I asked her how do I view it?  She didn't answer that question.

3.  I emailed her telling her a joke a heard a Youtube comedian say about "accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior." I thought it was cute and funny.

HER EMAIL TO ME:

"What are you implying by telling me that, and in reference to what? Was it in reference to my online journal entry this morning? I can very clearly tell that you decided to tell me in this email for a reason, and I don't want to waste my time and my brain cells wondering what reason that is.

I don't take subtle implications well, and it frustrates me when I have to constant wondering what exactly is that person implying? I speak in a very direct manner, I don't beat around the bush, so that you don't have to waste your time wondering what it is that I'm trying to say? That is the only kind of friendship I want have, someone that I can just speak openly with, and not have to wonder what he's actually saying, and why he said what he said?

Say what you mean, and mean you say.

Why made you decide to tell me the "All you need is Jesus Christ" story in your email this morning, and what exactly are you trying to tell me?

MY EMAIL REPLY:

As I wrote before, I have no idea where your personal journal is and have not viewed it. The funny story that the comedian told has nothing to do with you. I'm not implying anything. There are no subtle implications. Just a funny story. When I was growing up my Mom always told me to never talk about politics, sex, or religion with people I don't know very well. So I apologize that I brought up any of those things with you. I realize many people can be offended by them. I'll be more careful about what I say next time.

HER FINAL EMAIL:

It seems very strange that during my support group meeting on Tuesday evening, this newcomer brings up that she has complex PTSD with dissociation, and I'm talking about religion & spirituality, and then the very next morning you email me talking about Jesus Christ. Too much of a coincidence.

If you are following me in any way, I am requesting now that you stop doing it, don't look at any of my websites, or anything to do with me.

I don't understand what she is doing? How would you interpret this?

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Stop any and all contact with her. Delete her from your social media, unfriend and block her from all platforms. Do not send any more communication to her in any form, not even to "apologize".

This woman is unhinged. I can understand why her husband is divorcing her if she's this unstable and isn't getting any medical help.

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First thing that comes to mind is that you seem to be disturbingly oblivious to her telling you to eff off and leave her alone. So oblivious, in fact, that you might get slapped with a restraining order if you don't quit asap.

Please step away from this and never contact her or speak to her again.  It should be common sense to do so...... 

Regardless of your intentions, what should be blindingly clear to you, OP, is that your attention and communication is not welcome in any sense or form. So, stop. Just stop. Go away. Take a glaring hint....

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My 2 cents, you can’t have a friendship with a person in that headspace. She’s making it clear through her behaviour that she’s going to find something wrong with everything you say. 
 

So, abort, abort, abort!

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20 minutes ago, 1a1a said:

My 2 cents, you can’t have a friendship with a person in that headspace. She’s making it clear through her behaviour that she’s going to find something wrong with everything you say. 
 

So, abort, abort, abort!

We started out good and then she starts to find things wrong with me but tells me she still wants to correspond and keep in contact.  But this last set of emails seem more final.  Why do you think she is doing this?

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1 minute ago, DavidCA said:

We started out good and then she starts to find things wrong with me but tells me she still wants to correspond and keep in contact.  But this last set of emails seem more final.  Why do you think she is doing this?

We don't know why. She clearly is either unstable or she's reconciling with her ex or she met someone new. Whatever it is doesn't matter. 

 it's very clear you need to never contact her again. Like, never ever again. Don't contact her to ask why, don't ask for "closure", don't apologize. Just stop and don't ever contact her again. If she contacts you, politely explain that you don't think it's a good idea for you two to communicate.

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5 hours ago, DavidCA said:

We started out good and then she starts to find things wrong with me but tells me she still wants to correspond and keep in contact.  But this last set of emails seem more final.  Why do you think she is doing this?

Why did you contact her in the first place? She's married.  Leave her alone. 

 

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8 hours ago, DavidCA said:

I don't understand what she is doing? How would you interpret this?

Well she is either paranoid and "cray-cray" or just so insecure that she can see anything somebody does and says and connects in negative way onto herself. 

Also she doesnt seem fond of you. So dont waste your time on anything about that person. Even writing her. 

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6 hours ago, DavidCA said:

.  Why do you think she is doing this?

Question is: Why are you wasting your time on this?

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for a low-key coffee.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness. Do something productive and enjoyable with your time if you are bored and lonely.

Are you homebound or unemployed? How did you go down this road?

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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Question is: Why are you wasting your time on this?

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women for a low-key coffee.

Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness. Do something productive and enjoyable with your time if you are bored and lonely.

Are you homebound or unemployed? How did you go down this road?

I forgot to mention this in the original post but I asked if we could write just as friends and she agreed.  She wants to keep writing back and forth but not romantically.  The reason I'm "wasting my time" on this is that we were good friends back in college, or at least I thought we were.  I enjoyed talking with her and wanted to reestablish that connection.

I'm also trying to understand why is she attacking me?  Accusing me of things that aren't true?  If she doesn't want to write anymore she could have ended it more politely.

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5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well she is either paranoid and "cray-cray" or just so insecure that she can see anything somebody does and says and connects in negative way onto herself. 

Also she doesnt seem fond of you. So dont waste your time on anything about that person. Even writing her. 

I don't understand why is she attacking me and accusing me of things that aren't true?  She says she wants to write back and forth and then attacks me.  She could have ended it more politely.

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People don’t owe you anything. If you want to sign up trying to be a friend, then be a friend to that person. There’s something about you that bothers her and your persistence in this thread is disturbing. Whether it’s you or her that’s unhinged is debatable. She’s made it very clear that you’re more of an irritant in the way you communicate so leave her alone if you’re not getting along. 

You also don’t owe her anything or least of all a “friendship”. I’d reflect on the need to help someone who doesn’t appreciate your help or your approach at all. Don’t keep hounding her or pursuing this. There is no explanation needed either if she’s uncomfortable with you. 

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Well, it's a bit difficult to know the situation regarding the Jesus Christ thing. The problem is when you send things out of context and that person doesn't have interest in what you sent, it can be a bit off putting. That's why I think when you're not that close to someone, it might be best to just send more generic things or things most people would find funny. E.g. Cute pet videos lol I'm not religious at all myself, none of my friends or family are religious. So if someone out of the blue sent me some video about Jesus Christ, honestly I'd be disinterested and be thinking, why are you sending me this lol

However! This woman is on another level in the sense that she seems very paranoid and suspicious. And it's to an extent that maybe she has mental illness and/or some kind of delusions? Obviously I don't know because I don't know her but it comes across that way. She said that it's suspicious that she talked about religion and spirituality in her support group and then you sent her that Jesus video. There is no way you could have known what she talked about in her support group unless you were tapping her phone or something. So to think this is not normal and some kind of intense paranoia.

Also it doesn't make sense to accuse someone of reading their website or online blog. Unless the blog is set to private. How does she put a website up and expect that people actually WON'T look at it? So why have a website then? And let's be honest, in this day and age it's actually basically considered normal to Google people and social media stalk lol Everyone does it. And in particular if that person actually has a public website or Linked In profile or whatever. As if you wouldn't look at it out if curiosity lol

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9 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Well, it's a bit difficult to know the situation regarding the Jesus Christ thing. The problem is when you send things out of context and that person doesn't have interest in what you sent, it can be a bit off putting. That's why I think when you're not that close to someone, it might be best to just send more generic things or things most people would find funny. E.g. Cute pet videos lol I'm not religious at all myself, none of my friends or family are religious. So if someone out of the blue sent me some video about Jesus Christ, honestly I'd be disinterested and be thinking, why are you sending me this lol

However! This woman is on another level in the sense that she seems very paranoid and suspicious. And it's to an extent that maybe she has mental illness and/or some kind of delusions? Obviously I don't know because I don't know her but it comes across that way. She said that it's suspicious that she talked about religion and spirituality in her support group and then you sent her that Jesus video. There is no way you could have known what she talked about in her support group unless you were tapping her phone or something. So to think this is not normal and some kind of intense paranoia.

Also it doesn't make sense to accuse someone of reading their website or online blog. Unless the blog is set to private. How does she put a website up and expect that people actually WON'T look at it? So why have a website then? And let's be honest, in this day and age it's actually basically considered normal to Google people and social media stalk lol Everyone does it. And in particular if that person actually has a public website or Linked In profile or whatever. As if you wouldn't look at it out if curiosity lol

Thank you for reading my post and replying.  I do realize my mistake and that's why I apologized for sending that story the comedian said about Christianity.

What bothers me the most is that when we were in college I thought we were close friends.  I was in therapy learning how to deal with a dysfunctional family and I confided with her.  She also confided with me.  When I reconnected with and told her I enjoyed our past friendship and told her why, she denied we were even friends and that we never had any meaningful conversations.  That hurt.

The other hurtful thing is that she is accusing me of things that aren't true, but in her mind it's true.

Why would she agree to be platonic friends, via email, and then attack me and say those things?  It doesn't make sense to me.  Does being paranoid explain this?

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29 minutes ago, DavidCA said:

Why would she agree to be platonic friends, via email, and then attack me and say those things?  It doesn't make sense to me.  Does being paranoid explain this?

Everyone has already answered this multiple times. Please see my original response below.

13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

We don't know why. She clearly is either unstable or she's reconciling with her ex or she met someone new. Whatever it is doesn't matter. 

 it's very clear you need to never contact her again. Like, never ever again. Don't contact her to ask why, don't ask for "closure", don't apologize. Just stop and don't ever contact her again. If she contacts you, politely explain that you don't think it's a good idea for you two to communicate.

Asking "why" over and over isn't going to change anything. She no longer wants to communicate with you. It doesn't matter if she said 100 times before that she wants to communicate. She clearly said she no longer wants to. The only thing you can do is respect her CURRENT wishes and stop contacting her.

Do you have other friends you spend time with? Are you actively involved in any social groups? Do you see your family regularly?

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She may have been a good friend at college but people change and you obviously are not connecting. And she clearly does not have the same warm fuzzy feelings as she is denying your friendship. So do not be blinded by nostalgia or think that you can recapture this lost connection. 

I suspect she is a bit suspicious of your motives. She is going through a nasty divorce and perhaps feels vulnerable and probably thinks you have some ulterior romantic motives and are using your college connection as a way in. And I can understand the youtube video might have made her feel uncomfortable and further raised her heckles. 

Maybe at the outset she figured being platonic email buddies would be harmless. But you've rubbed her up the wrong way and further communication isn't advisable. Being apologetic will just annoy her even more. And there is also a chance she will decide to use you as a punching bag and lure you back in by a temporary cease of hostilities and then pounce when you say something else that bothers her. 

There is nothing friendly about the emails you shared and therefore no basis for friendship so I suggest you just stop communicating with her.

 

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24 minutes ago, DavidCA said:

Why would she agree to be platonic friends, via email, and then attack me and say those things?  It doesn't make sense to me.  Does being paranoid explain this?

Yes, paranoia might explain it. We hear the term tossed around casually, but 'paranoid personality disorder' really IS a thing. Especially under times of stress, where an otherwise normal person can cross over a 'borderline' and turn paranoid. 

None of us are positioned to diagnose the woman, and neither are you, but when someone demo's extreme flips into bizarre accusations, that's no time to stick around and tinker with them. It can be dangerous for you AND for her.

Another explanation could be alcohol. Certain people are susceptible, even after only a few sips, to shifting in seconds from fine one moment to a raving paranoid the next.

Nobody can 'fix' this kind of extreme spiral for another. You can't 'manage' it by being kind. You can't 'win her over' just because you catch her at a trusting moment, and so it makes no sense to be surprised when she turns on you the next moment.

This is why you are being advised by so many to drop contact immediately. If you try to explain yourself, you risk drilling yourself into deeper trouble with her, and you could provoke an extreme response beyond some nasty words.

My heart goes out to you. I've had a childhood friend all of my life who turned this way during the pandemic. She was fine until the bars reopened, and then I'd get these accusatory calls from her at night...that I was supposed to call her, or that I was plotting with my cousins against her, just really bizarre stuff. I had to remove myself from her life otherwise nothing GOOD could follow.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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16 hours ago, DavidCA said:

Why made you decide to tell me the "All you need is Jesus Christ" story in your email this morning, and what exactly are you trying to tell me?

She's pissed you said this. It's that simple.

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17 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

Yes, paranoia might explain it. We hear the term tossed around casually, but 'paranoid personality disorder' really IS a thing. Especially under times of stress, where an otherwise normal person can cross over a 'borderline' and turn paranoid. 

None of us are positioned to diagnose the woman, and neither are you, but when someone demo's extreme flips into bizarre accusations, that's no time to stick around and tinker with them. It can be dangerous for you AND for her.

Another explanation could be alcohol. Certain people are susceptible, even after only a few sips, to shifting in seconds from fine one moment to a raving paranoid the next.

Nobody can 'fix' this kind of extreme spiral for another. You can't 'manage' it by being kind. You can't 'win her over' just because you catch her at a trusting moment, and so it makes no sense to be surprised when she turns on you the next moment.

This is why you are being advised by so many to drop contact immediately. If you try to explain yourself, you risk drilling yourself into deeper trouble with her, and you could provoke an extreme response beyond some nasty words.

My heart goes out to you. I've had a childhood friend all of my life who turned this way during the pandemic. She was fine until the bars reopened, and then I'd get these accusatory calls from her at night...that I was supposed to call her, or that I was plotting with my cousins against her, just really bizarre stuff. I had to remove myself from her life otherwise nothing GOOD could follow.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

Thank you for reading my post and replying.  After thinking about what others have wrote and what you wrote.  I just thought of something.  I'm a good listener and people tend to confide in me.  I've met potential friends who when they first meet me they talk my right ear off telling me all sorts of confidential things.  Then the next time I see them they yell at me and break it off.  I once was seeing a therapist and I asked her why is this?  She said many people share too much with someone and they feel embarrassed.  So they attack the person because they know too much confidential things that they shouldn't know.

This is what happened with the woman I posted about.  In her first emails she confided in me about her personal life and all the drama going on.  And now she is attacking me basically telling me to "eff off."  I just thought of this now.

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There's also a possibility you're attempting some kind of closeness that is inappropriate with these individuals given that they told you something personal at one time or during a brief period in their life.

You may be assuming too much of the "friendship" that isn't there and it makes people very uncomfortable. 

In her case you say you thought you were close friends but she denies it. Because she told you something at one time or many years ago doesn't make you both good friends.

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3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

There's also a possibility you're attempting some kind of closeness that is inappropriate with these individuals given that they told you something personal at one time or during a brief period in their life.

You may be assuming too much of the "friendship" that isn't there and it makes people very uncomfortable. 

In her case you say you thought you were close friends but she denies it. Because she told you something at one time or many years ago doesn't make you both good friends.

I understand what you are saying.  Just because she confided in me and I in her in the past doesn't mean, according to her, we were good friends.  When we reconnected she again confided in me and told me about the drama going on in her life.  I assumed we were making a connection again.  It's just different perspectives.  

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1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

 

I have a group of friends that I do things with.  I'm a social person and belong to a small church congregation.  I don't see my family regularly because they live 2,000 miles from me.  I'm posting this because I just want to understand why I'm being attacked.  I enjoy getting different perspectives.  That is what this site is for.

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4 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She may have been a good friend at college but people change and you obviously are not connecting. And she clearly does not have the same warm fuzzy feelings as she is denying your friendship. So do not be blinded by nostalgia or think that you can recapture this lost connection. 

I suspect she is a bit suspicious of your motives. She is going through a nasty divorce and perhaps feels vulnerable and probably thinks you have some ulterior romantic motives and are using your college connection as a way in. And I can understand the youtube video might have made her feel uncomfortable and further raised her heckles. 

Maybe at the outset she figured being platonic email buddies would be harmless. But you've rubbed her up the wrong way and further communication isn't advisable. Being apologetic will just annoy her even more. And there is also a chance she will decide to use you as a punching bag and lure you back in by a temporary cease of hostilities and then pounce when you say something else that bothers her. 

There is nothing friendly about the emails you shared and therefore no basis for friendship so I suggest you just stop communicating with her.

 

I understand what you are saying.  At the beginning of our emails, she confided in me and told me about all the drama that is going on in her life.  As far as her thinking I have ulterior romantic motives, we established, in the beginning, we were going to be strictly platonic, which I wanted.  Maybe she did need a "punching bag" to vent her frustrations on.  When I was in the military I met a lot of people like that.  And they felt great afterwards.

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