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I need some advice

I’m really nervous to post this because being vulnerable is very hard but I need unbiased opinions.

 

This is gonna be a long one lol. So me (25 F) and my current boyfriend (23 M) met because he was my exes best friend 😬 (hear me out).. 6 years into me and my exes relationship, we all go out one night for drinks. Long long story short, my boyfriend at the time cheats on me with his friends (my current boyfriends) girlfriend. After a couple months of trying to adjust to being single, me and his friend hangout regularly and bond over the fact that we had been cheated on with each others SO’s and that we’d both lost a guy that had been in our lives for several years. After a few months, we hook up (which I initiate) and eventually start dating. We have been together now almost 3 years. The first year was amazing, and I think was a huge distraction from my breakup. Then of course when things start to settle down, I’m realizing I still have a lot of things bothering me. I started a new relationship, had been cheated on after being with someone over 6 years, started a new job that I didn’t really like, I was suffering from terrible anxiety which I’d never dealt with before, going to two different therapists, tried medication, it was a really terrible year. And it took a huge strain on us.  He did try to help me find a doctor which I appreciated but there were times I felt so alone in it and more like a burden than anything to him. There were a few times I was having panic attacks and he never even came in the room to offer any comfort. I chalked this up to him maybe not knowing how to respond since he doesn’t have any mental health issues and never has (although he has dated girls who have). I never tried to take out any of my issues on him, in fact a lot of times he never really saw them considering I work 1st shift and he works 3rd shift and my panic attacks were often at night while I was alone. Another huge issue of ours is that I knew he smoked weed when we first started dating (my ex did was well). I don’t smoke, but it used to never bother me to be around it. I just personally cannot smoke because it gives me horrible anxiety no matter the amount. Anyway, after a year I had a horrible traumatizing event with it after accidentally ingesting an edible and being high at my new job (which is pretty jarring when you’re not expecting it and also can’t handle being high) and now I can’t stand to be around it, it’s honestly become a phobia of mine as silly as that sounds. It’s embarrassing to even admit that. All of his friends smoke as well and often when we go visit them I’m stuck in the car while they smoke or we’re all hanging out in a bedroom and I start to feel extremely anxious, so I just quit hanging out with them as much. They know how I feel but don’t make the effort to go in another room or not smoke in the car, which I don’t expect them to but also for my own sake I just choose not to hang around them because of this. This really bothers him because he feels like I don’t like his friends or want to be around them and honestly.. I don’t.. 

I love him very much, we live together and have talked about a future, we’ve gotten to travel to many beautiful places together, we have fun when we get to see eachother (twice a week), we adopted a dog together.. but ultimately I worry about the longevity of our relationship. Within the last year especially we never have sex, he doesn’t seem interested, and it sucks because we’re on separate schedules so if we don’t have sex one weekend then it’s going to be two weekends before it happens (maybe lol). I honestly feel sometimes like he’s not very attracted to me. We also don’t really have a whole lot in common.

I just hate it because we have built so much together and I appreciate all the small things he does for me without me asking (fixing my car if somethings wrong, he screened in my porch for me as a surprise, takes me out often for food or desserts, tries to make time to hangout with me). But this past week we got into an argument and a lot of his feelings came out, one of which being that “the first year was great but after that went to ***” and that we “aren’t a good match.” A few hours later he acted as if nothing happened and hasn’t mentioned it since and has acted totally normal..

I’m just not sure how I feel.. thoughts?

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What does your therapist say about your relationship?

Here's my advices:

First you jump in to a relationship after a breakup. I get it. Its a great distraction and people who usually do this are emotionally immature people. Which you were. But now, you saw how it hindered a proper recovery and impacted your mental and emotional health all at the same time. You needed time and space to process this, not jump in to the sheets with another person. I would chalk this to a life lesson. Distractions are just what they are - temporary, they never solve anything. 

Second, what you are feeling is normal. First year is always honeymoon. After that its normal couple stuff. If you guys are always comparing your current state to your first year, of course it appears like you guys are going downhill. My advice would be to stop comparing to first year, and either fix your schedule so you both have schedules that align with each other or see what the relationship for what it is, a relationship that most likely has run its course.

Third, you're young so I am going to just say this to you, because I wished someone had said this to me when I was in my late 20s (a naive gal who didn't think she had a lot of options.) You have a lot of options. You don't need to settle. & even if that option is being single for some time, believe me, you are going to love being single more than knowing you're settling. I know it's easy said than done, but you don't know until you know. 

Fourth, if there is a recurring issue like someone's habit/tick, you can't make this person change.  So if you say smoking is a big issue between you both, know that this is you telling you that this is your dealbreaker. I also can't stand the smell (and I was a big pothead back in college). 

 

 

Edited by LootieTootie
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4 hours ago, Kennedy1996 said:

But this past week we got into an argument and a lot of his feelings came out, one of which being that “the first year was great but after that went to ***” and that we “aren’t a good match.”

It sounds like neither of you is into this relationship anymore, and you both know it's not working. 

You rebounded with each other when you were both hurt from being betrayed by your exes but you don't actually work together as a couple. You started dating on very shaky ground and likely enjoyed feeling wanted and desired by someone, but there's not much else there.

You're both still very young as well - I would read the writing on the wall and part ways. 

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6 hours ago, Kennedy1996 said:

 me (25 F)  6 years into me and my exes relationship. We have been together now almost 3  .going to two different therapists, tried medication. He did try to help me find a doctor. I was having panic attacks 

Sorry this happened. What is the timeline her? You were with the ex BF since 14?

Make an appointment with a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Discuss your anxiety depression and panic attacks. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

What do you mean "he tried to help you find a doctor"?  That's not his job.  Your insurance provider can refer you.

What do you mean "two therapists at once".  Makes no sense.

First and foremost take better care of your physical and mental health. 

Do you work? Go to school? Live with parents?

Do you drink heavily or take club drugs? Make a commitment to yourself to improve your lifestyle and health.

 Don't get in these cuddle puddles sleeping with someone handy out of desperation or revenge. He is too immature for you, he's not your therapist and shouldn't be dealing with your panic attacks.

Sort yourself out first and then you'll feel better.

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10 hours ago, Kennedy1996 said:

I need some advice

I’m really nervous to post this because being vulnerable is very hard but I need unbiased opinions.

 

This is gonna be a long one lol. So me (25 F) and my current boyfriend (23 M) met because he was my exes best friend 😬 (hear me out).. 6 years into me and my exes relationship, we all go out one night for drinks. Long long story short, my boyfriend at the time cheats on me with his friends (my current boyfriends) girlfriend. After a couple months of trying to adjust to being single, me and his friend hangout regularly and bond over the fact that we had been cheated on with each others SO’s and that we’d both lost a guy that had been in our lives for several years. After a few months, we hook up (which I initiate) and eventually start dating. We have been together now almost 3 years. The first year was amazing, and I think was a huge distraction from my breakup. Then of course when things start to settle down, I’m realizing I still have a lot of things bothering me. I started a new relationship, had been cheated on after being with someone over 6 years, started a new job that I didn’t really like, I was suffering from terrible anxiety which I’d never dealt with before, going to two different therapists, tried medication, it was a really terrible year. And it took a huge strain on us.  He did try to help me find a doctor which I appreciated but there were times I felt so alone in it and more like a burden than anything to him. There were a few times I was having panic attacks and he never even came in the room to offer any comfort. I chalked this up to him maybe not knowing how to respond since he doesn’t have any mental health issues and never has (although he has dated girls who have). I never tried to take out any of my issues on him, in fact a lot of times he never really saw them considering I work 1st shift and he works 3rd shift and my panic attacks were often at night while I was alone. Another huge issue of ours is that I knew he smoked weed when we first started dating (my ex did was well). I don’t smoke, but it used to never bother me to be around it. I just personally cannot smoke because it gives me horrible anxiety no matter the amount. Anyway, after a year I had a horrible traumatizing event with it after accidentally ingesting an edible and being high at my new job (which is pretty jarring when you’re not expecting it and also can’t handle being high) and now I can’t stand to be around it, it’s honestly become a phobia of mine as silly as that sounds. It’s embarrassing to even admit that. All of his friends smoke as well and often when we go visit them I’m stuck in the car while they smoke or we’re all hanging out in a bedroom and I start to feel extremely anxious, so I just quit hanging out with them as much. They know how I feel but don’t make the effort to go in another room or not smoke in the car, which I don’t expect them to but also for my own sake I just choose not to hang around them because of this. This really bothers him because he feels like I don’t like his friends or want to be around them and honestly.. I don’t.. 

I love him very much, we live together and have talked about a future, we’ve gotten to travel to many beautiful places together, we have fun when we get to see eachother (twice a week), we adopted a dog together.. but ultimately I worry about the longevity of our relationship. Within the last year especially we never have sex, he doesn’t seem interested, and it sucks because we’re on separate schedules so if we don’t have sex one weekend then it’s going to be two weekends before it happens (maybe lol). I honestly feel sometimes like he’s not very attracted to me. We also don’t really have a whole lot in common.

I just hate it because we have built so much together and I appreciate all the small things he does for me without me asking (fixing my car if somethings wrong, he screened in my porch for me as a surprise, takes me out often for food or desserts, tries to make time to hangout with me). But this past week we got into an argument and a lot of his feelings came out, one of which being that “the first year was great but after that went to ***” and that we “aren’t a good match.” A few hours later he acted as if nothing happened and hasn’t mentioned it since and has acted totally normal..

I’m just not sure how I feel.. thoughts?

He’s not going to change his friends or quit smoking weed for you. Those things will remain. I think you both care about each other but you’re not compatible in the long run.

Are you going to college or university? What are your plans? Focus on you and getting your life back on track.

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He's right, you are not compatible. Of course the first year which is the honeymoon phase, everything is amazing and fun. once the dopamine wears off, reality of who and how your lives are with each other becomes clearer. It's ran it's course. Just because you love him doesn't mean you need to hang on. The healthiest choice is to end it, and get started living your life to it's fullest potential. IMO this relationship is preventing you from achieving life goals. 

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