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He has been dating and sleeping with someone else


Jane Han
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A guy I am regularly dating/sleeping with is doing the same with other people. How do I approach this topic? We have been dating for about 5 weeks seeing one another 1-2x a week and are sexually active with one another. I found out from a mutual friend that he has been dating and sleeping with someone else. This took me slightly by surprise as he seems really into me and gives little hints about short term future plans/dates etc. that he’d like to do with me. We however haven’t had a chat about exclusivity or expectations yet. I see him as a potential future partner and I’m happy to take things slow but I don’t want to waste my time or get hurt unnecessarily if it transpires later down the line that we always wanted different things - how do I approach this subject without cornering him? Thank youuu

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2 minutes ago, Jane Han said:

We have been dating for about 5 weeks seeing one another 1-2x a week and are sexually active with one another.. We however haven’t had a chat about exclusivity or expectations yet.

Unfortunately he just wants hookups, not a "potential partner".

Get tested for STDs and  delete and block him.

Next time have the exclusive talk before jumping in.

He's not BF material if he's playing the field and dishonest about it.

 

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From what you wrote he isn't being dishonest. Exclusivity wasn't discussed and after five weeks it cannot automatically be assumed. Especially not in this day and age. 

Agree that if he was serious about you he'd only have eyes for you and drop the other girls. So not a great sign. But then again it has only been five weeks. 

Eventually he will have to choose but he may be more willing to make that choice (and choose you) if he has a bit more data and knows you better. But of course by postponing the conversation you will in the meantime feel uncomfortable knowing about the other girl and worry you are wasting your time. 

So a tough call really. Interested to see what other posters have to say. 

 

 

 

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3 hours ago, Jane Han said:

A guy I am regularly dating/sleeping with is doing the same with other people. How do I approach this topic? We have been dating for about 5 weeks seeing one another 1-2x a week and are sexually active with one another. I found out from a mutual friend that he has been dating and sleeping with someone else. This took me slightly by surprise as he seems really into me and gives little hints about short term future plans/dates etc. that he’d like to do with me. We however haven’t had a chat about exclusivity or expectations yet. I see him as a potential future partner and I’m happy to take things slow but I don’t want to waste my time or get hurt unnecessarily if it transpires later down the line that we always wanted different things - how do I approach this subject without cornering him? Thank youuu

Ask him if he is looking for a long term exclusive relationship. If he says no, you have your answer. If he says yes, then ask him what he thinks about being exclusive with you. 

Why do you feel you’re cornering him? If you’re going to spend time with a person find out whether you want the same things. That is not cornering someone at all. 

Also, do you trust that “mutual friend” blabbering around about other people’s private business? It seems disrespectful and untrustworthy to me.

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3 hours ago, Jane Han said:

A guy I am regularly dating/sleeping with is doing the same with other people. How do I approach this topic? We have been dating for about 5 weeks seeing one another 1-2x a week and are sexually active with one another. I found out from a mutual friend that he has been dating and sleeping with someone else. This took me slightly by surprise as he seems really into me and gives little hints about short term future plans/dates etc. that he’d like to do with me. We however haven’t had a chat about exclusivity or expectations yet. I see him as a potential future partner and I’m happy to take things slow but I don’t want to waste my time or get hurt unnecessarily if it transpires later down the line that we always wanted different things - how do I approach this subject without cornering him? Thank youuu

This guy is a player. He has bamboozled you into thinking he has potential...it all lies. Stop being naive and see him for who he really is... a liar/cheat. No matter what you do, he's gonna tell you what you want to hear, love bomb you, etc. Dump this guy.

Just to point out the obvious, if he's having sex with another/others, he has zero interest in a relationship.

Edited by smackie9
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4 hours ago, Jane Han said:

A guy I am regularly dating/sleeping with is doing the same with other people. How do I approach this topic? We have been dating for about 5 weeks seeing one another 1-2x a week and are sexually active with one another. I found out from a mutual friend that he has been dating and sleeping with someone else. This took me slightly by surprise as he seems really into me and gives little hints about short term future plans/dates etc. that he’d like to do with me. We however haven’t had a chat about exclusivity or expectations yet. I see him as a potential future partner and I’m happy to take things slow but I don’t want to waste my time or get hurt unnecessarily if it transpires later down the line that we always wanted different things - how do I approach this subject without cornering him? Thank youuu

If you're comfortable enough to have him inside you -and risk STDs and pregnancy -simply ask him simply with no apologies or backstory "what are your intentions about us" - he's not doing anything wrong at all.  He can assume you're an adult who's comfortable with casual sex and casual dating.  It sounds like now you do want different things.  He wants to date casually and you do not.  You chose to have sex before talking about expectations, general goals because you fear "cornering" him so instead you're trying to read signs.  But if he wanted to be exclusive with you he'd never risk you reading "signs" -he'd tell you simply and directly and then he would act on it by acting in a committed way.  

What conversations have you had about pregnancy, STD testing etc? I'd definitely talk about monogamy -for health reasons -but that's different from exclusivity.  

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10 hours ago, Jane Han said:

. . . how do I approach this subject without cornering him?

There's nothing to approach.  He doesn't want to be exclusive; if he did, he would do it.  You basically want him to change what he wants but that doesn't work--that's not something you can negotiate.

I'm not sure what about him seems like he'd be a good long-term partner or someone you could have a future with.  He seems like a very poor candidate for that.

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1 hour ago, waffle said:

There's nothing to approach.  He doesn't want to be exclusive; if he did, he would do it.  You basically want him to change what he wants but that doesn't work--that's not something you can negotiate.

I'm not sure what about him seems like he'd be a good long-term partner or someone you could have a future with.  He seems like a very poor candidate for that.

Yet.  They've been dating a short time.  I wanted exclusivity and dated others until I was exclusive with someone which usually was closer to two months.  But I wasn't having intercourse with anyone I was dating.  Multidating in the beginning doesn't mean the person doesn't want exclusivity.

I am concerned that she and he didn't discuss sexual monogamy for health purposes but it sounds like they didn't so he's assumed it's ok to date and have sex with others for now.  I'd also make sure that this gossip is true.

Edited by Batya33
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6 minutes ago, greendots said:

A guy who's totally into you will not risk losing you.

Yes - in five weeks he might not know whether he's totally into her. He is enjoying dating her because he keeps asking her out on dates. If she wants to be exclusive she can bring it up.  I definitely would bring up sexual monogamy for health reasons.

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17 hours ago, Jane Han said:

how do I approach this subject without cornering him?

I'd be less concerned with how he views me and more with what he may have transferred to me.

So an STD test would be my #1 priority, along with accepting a harsh lesson about sleeping first, asking questions later.

I'd iron this stuff out before getting sexual--not just for health reasons, but because I bond when I have sex. So it's really important for me to take the time to learn exactly where I want to stand with someone--and where he stands with me.

Anyone who's not up for investing platonic time screens himself out, so there's nothing for me to lose by telling a man up front that I'm relationship material, and I'm dating to find a good match for a LTR. I'll ask him whether he considers himself to be dating for the same reason. If not, or he doesn't know? That's a 'no' for me. We're not aligned.

In your case, I'd invite the guy out for a drink, and I'd go straight in with what's on my mind.

I'd tell him that I'd like to get to know him better to learn where we might want to stand with one another down the line. I consider myself relationship material, and he doesn't need to answer this right now, but I hope he'll consider continuing to see me without being sexual unless we decide that we want to be exclusive with one another. 

Then I'd leave that on the table with him and observe how he handles it. I'd allow this to inform MY decision about HIM.

If he doesn't value me enough to want to see me again SAFELY, then he has screened himself out, and that's exactly what I'd need to learn early.

Edited by catfeeder
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