Bipolar girlfriend left me

[Matthew Nos]

My bipolar girlfriend of 2 years have left me. She moved out about 6 weeks ago (we tried to make it work living apart) with a single female who was very much about the single independent lifestyle. I know she is not great with her medication also and is easily influenced by her immediate surroundings. 
 

The first 18 months of our relationship was near perfect, it was fun, sex almost daily, engaging, adventurous, an emotional bond and connection that was so close, people envied us, they thought we had been together for years. It was easy, euphoria, , we were lovers, best friends it was just great.

Until she brought up the idea of moving out 6 months ago. This made me insecure in the relationship, I begged and pleaded and tried to come up with ways we could make it work which allowed her to get that sense of freedom and independence she was after. But in the end she wouldn’t have it and I eventually accepted that she wanted to move out. It was hard and it wasn’t perfect but I did love and support her in this decision and she promised me she would try and make it work. Note, I am seeing a therapist about controlling behaviour I displayed during this few months (it’s related to a fear of loss and grief due to the suicide of 2 close friends of mine).

The day she moved out, it’s like she changed completely as a person. She made no effort in the relationship, she was cold, distant and just didn’t care about the relationship anymore, despite my efforts to make the relationship work. She told me she was just shut off and didn’t care about the relationship anymore. 
 

I have no idea what to do? How can we have had what we had, to her completely shutting off within a matter of days and completely changing as a person. 
 

I am so lost, so confused and so hurt. 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 minutes ago, Matthew Nos said:

, I am seeing a therapist about controlling behaviour I displayed during this few months

Well, at least you're working on this, and I bet you displayed some of the controlling traits earlier in the relationship- but in a more subtle way.

So, there's nothing you can do about the relationship anymore. It has ended. Accept that it is what it is and you live and learn. She had her flaws, and so did you. You'll do better with the next lady. I'm sorry for your loss.

[Batya33]

So when someone asks for space -which she did - the best course IMO is to give twice the amount of space the person seems to need. She probably got turned off by your clinginess and your micromanaging how she could have her "freedom".  In quotes because to me in a healthful relationship the only loss of "freedom" is that you promise not to date others.  And if that feels like a real loss of freedom that's an issue.  And what's dependent about sharing living space and being in a relationship? What "independence" did she want?  My sense is the freedom and independence she wanted was to explore other dating options which it's harder to do if you're sharing living space.

I'm very sorry about the loss of your friends.

[catfeeder]

How quickly did you move in together after you started dating, and what are your ages?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Matthew Nos said:

Until she brought up the idea of moving out 6 months ago. This made me insecure in the relationship

And no wonder. Anyone would be upset and hurt if their partner suddenly wanted to move out, and rightly so. That generally signals the beginning of the end. 

1 hour ago, Matthew Nos said:

She told me she was just shut off and didn’t care about the relationship anymore.

And here it is. Unfortunately, this relationship is essentially over. Both parties have to want to make it work, and she's made it pretty clear that her heart isn't in it anymore. Whether it's because she's not compliant with her treatment, or because she genuinely wanted to break up and didn't know how to say so, the end result is the same. 

I'm sorry, OP. There isn't much you can do here but accept that this isn't likely to work out the way you'd hoped. 

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, Matthew Nos said:

Note, I am seeing a therapist about controlling behaviour I displayed during this few months (it’s related to a fear of loss and grief due to the suicide of 2 close friends of mine).

The day she moved out, it’s like she changed completely as a person. She made no effort in the relationship, she was cold, distant and just didn’t care about the relationship anymore, despite my efforts to make the relationship work. She told me she was just shut off and didn’t care about the relationship anymore. 
 

I have no idea what to do? How can we have had what we had, to her completely shutting off within a matter of days and completely changing as a person. 
 

I am so lost, so confused and so hurt. 

 

Continue the work with your therapist. Her behaviour is very much in line with what it feels like finally being free out of a disabling and controlling relationship. She’s finished with it and feeling free. People can choose to leave any time and that’s part of the beauty of being in a relationship. You are not forced to stay or make anything work as long as one person doesn’t feel it’s appropriate or healthy any longer or it just isn’t working. 

Keep telling yourself it’s over and it didn’t work. Accept the break up and that you don’t have control over it. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Matthew Nos said:

I am seeing a therapist about controlling behaviour I displayed during this few months (it’s related to a fear of loss and grief due to the suicide of 2 close friends of mine).

Sorry this happened. Continue taking care of your physical and mental health.

Keep in and the good times where largely an illusion. An effect of uncontrolled manic episodes. The other side of that coin is what you see now. Rollercoaster behavior, hostility, withdrawal, etc.

You'll discover thorough your therapy that you dodged a bullet getting off this runaway train.

[Matthew Nos]

4 hours ago, catfeeder said:

How quickly did you move in together after you started dating, and what are your ages?

6 months. Was due to convenience more than anything, looking back on it now. I am 29, she is 30. 

[Matthew Nos]

3 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Continue the work with your therapist. Her behaviour is very much in line with what it feels like finally being free out of a disabling and controlling relationship. She’s finished with it and feeling free. People can choose to leave any time and that’s part of the beauty of being in a relationship. You are not forced to stay or make anything work as long as one person doesn’t feel it’s appropriate or healthy any longer or it just isn’t working. 

Keep telling yourself it’s over and it didn’t work. Accept the break up and that you don’t have control over it. 

I know that’s it’s over. I know I need to work on my controlling behaviour, my therapist and I have identified what has caused it. So am making huge in roads on that. 
 

I know I have no control over the break up. Do you think there is a chance she will be open to idea of rekindling things in the future ? Knowing I’m working on eliminating the behaviour I have displayed in the past 

[Batya33]

59 minutes ago, Matthew Nos said:

I know that’s it’s over. I know I need to work on my controlling behaviour, my therapist and I have identified what has caused it. So am making huge in roads on that. 
 

I know I have no control over the break up. Do you think there is a chance she will be open to idea of rekindling things in the future ? Knowing I’m working on eliminating the behaviour I have displayed in the past 

I personally don't think that's the whole reason.  Anything can happen in the distant future.  Until then I'd move on.  I'm sorry.

[SooSad33]

7 hours ago, Matthew Nos said:

The day she moved out, it’s like she changed completely as a person. She made no effort in the relationship, she was cold, distant and just didn’t care about the relationship anymore, despite my efforts to make the relationship work. She told me she was just shut off and didn’t care about the relationship anymore. 

I think this is what you now need to realize and work on accepting. Sorry 😕 .

She is & will be a challenge with her mental health issue's.

And let it be a lesson to you to NOT chase or beg for anyone to come back.  Self respect.  .. IF they choose to leave, let them.

Sorry for all of your losses.  Loss is never easy 😞 .

 

[catfeeder]

5 hours ago, Matthew Nos said:

I know I need to work on my controlling behaviour, my therapist and I have identified what has caused it. So am making huge in roads on that. 

[...] Do you think there is a chance she will be open to idea of rekindling things in the future ?

The problem is, once someone views themselves as having been controlled by you, everything you say or do from that point forward is viewed as trying to control.

So if ex ever wants to come back, it needs to be 100% her idea and completely free of your influence.

Control smothers, which snuffs out emotions beyond a feeling of needing to flee.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Matthew Nos said:

I know I have no control over the break up. Do you think there is a chance she will be open to idea of rekindling things in the future ? Knowing I’m working on eliminating the behaviour I have displayed in the past 

What exactly were you doing? 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Matthew Nos said:

 Knowing I’m working on eliminating the behaviour I have displayed in the past 

Did you grow up in an abusive household? Does anyone in your family have drinking or drug problems?

Quick involvement is a huge red flag. So is claiming you're a changed person to reel someone back in.

Stop. Take a break from dating altogether.

[Matthew Nos]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What exactly were you doing? 

When she brought up the idea of moving out I came up with everything idea under the sun on how she could stay living with me and also get her freedom. I also used emotions to influence her decisions she was making (emotional manipulation) out of fear of losing her. 

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, Matthew Nos said:

When she brought up the idea of moving out I came up with everything idea under the sun on how she could stay living with me and also get her freedom. I also used emotions to influence her decisions she was making (emotional manipulation) out of fear of losing her. 

Right so she saw it was all about you and not about caring about her.  Also you still haven't said what "freedom" she wanted? My sense is she was abstract about it and you made assumptions about what she wanted that suited you in your quest to convince her to stay -for your self interest. You know the old saying "If you love something let it go -if it comes back it's yours. If not, it never was."  

[Matthew Nos]

20 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

What exactly were you doing? 

 

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Right so she saw it was all about you and not about caring about her.  Also you still haven't said what "freedom" she wanted? My sense is she was abstract about it and you made assumptions about what she wanted that suited you in your quest to convince her to stay -for your self interest. You know the old saying "If you love something let it go -if it comes back it's yours. If not, it never was."  

Yes I would agree with that first part. She was unclear what freedom she was referring too, I think she wanted to freedom to hang out with friends , do activities she wanted, do her uni study’s and work without having to worry about how it would effect me (She is a people pleaser and get obligated to make time for me when she didn’t want to).Which was confusing as I always said don’t worry about me, you do what you want, just let me know what you are doing so I know weather to expect to see you or not and so I know that you’re safe

[Matthew Nos]

She is coming to collect the last of her things tomorrow and she also hasn’t updated her relationship status on social media so not sure what to make of that. 
 

she knows I’m going to therapy to work on my issues I brought into the relationship also

[LootieTootie]

2 hours ago, Matthew Nos said:

She is coming to collect the last of her things tomorrow and she also hasn’t updated her relationship status on social media so not sure what to make of that. 
 

she knows I’m going to therapy to work on my issues I brought into the relationship also

Matthew, my dear, you need to let go. 

When she comes over to collect her things, be cordial and positive - ask her if she needs help to take things to her car. Show her that you can be neutral and supportive. Even if it takes every bone inside you to not show how upset you are, you will show her that you are making progress without even have to utter a word. Because let's just be real, she is probably done listening and just wants to be free.

Actions speaks louder than words. Leave her alone and show that you are capable of being on your own and working on yourself. 

[Matthew Nos]

Also worth noting that it is likely she is unmediated right now. 

[MissCanuck]

30 minutes ago, Matthew Nos said:

Also worth noting that it is likely she is unmediated right now

That doesn't mean she is incapable of deciding that she doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. 

This is over, Matthew. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Matthew Nos said:

She is coming to collect the last of her things tomorrow 

Moving out is the end of a relationship, not a variation of it. 

"Working on my issues", doesn't work when it's too late.

Trying to control someone and expecting them to report to you is a conscious choice, not a psychological problem.

[Rose Mosse]

On 3/26/2022 at 3:33 PM, Matthew Nos said:

I know that’s it’s over. I know I need to work on my controlling behaviour, my therapist and I have identified what has caused it. So am making huge in roads on that. 
 

I know I have no control over the break up. Do you think there is a chance she will be open to idea of rekindling things in the future ? Knowing I’m working on eliminating the behaviour I have displayed in the past 

No. Move on. You have your own issues to sort out and you’re chasing someone who has bipolar and is unmedicated. Continuing to do the same thing over and over only demonstrates you haven’t learned anything. Let her go.

[smackie9]

Just because a relationship is great, doesn't mean it's ideal. This relationship just ran it's course. People fall out of love, and want to do something different with their life. Her being bi-polar might have something to do with it, and maybe not. BTW most women do make and think about their decisions with their emotions. It's how our brains work.