Jump to content

Fell In Love With Someone I Can't Have


Recommended Posts

I never in my life thought I'd be in a situation like this. I'm mad at myself for letting this happen, because I'm naturally so against love and relationships, but somewhere along the way... I screwed up. I let myself get attached to a person who is already married. This guy openly flirts with me, he says the nicest things, he listens... he's been doing that for 13 years, and I guess at some point I grew feelings for him. He constantly tells other people he is not happy in his marriage, and to me he won't even mention his wife.

Recently I have found a better job and will therefore be leaving the company we work at. I think it was a shock to both of our emotions, and I feel like I shared a little too much with him. I basically said that I do not feel like I have the right to comment on his affections for me (even though I do return them). And he replied that 'it is what it is, and that he was sorry.' And then, in no uncertain terms, it was almost like he offered cheating as an option...

I was devastated. And I'm not sure why, because I know he's cheated on his wife before... but it still hurt my feelings, because there was confirmation that there would never be anything between us, because I will never be the Other Woman. I respect myself too much. I'm worth more than that.

But damn... damn if it doesn't still hurt. I'm unbelievably upset with myself for getting into this situation that should have never been a situation. I don't want to feel this way. I hate it...

Any advice on what to do or how to get over this feeling? I just want to move on, maybe find someone else who can return my feelings.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

21 minutes ago, Hebi said:

I let myself get attached to a person who is already married. He constantly tells other people he is not happy in his marriage

Recently I have found a better job and will therefore be leaving the company we work at. 

You're already making a great step forward by getting a better job. It's important to get away from the office skirt-chaser who tells women the old "my wife doesn't understand me" story.

 Upon leaving, delete and block him from all your social media and all your messaging apps.

 Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available men for a low-key coffee.

 Get an evaluation from your physician for your physical and mental health. Discuss the anxiety and depression. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

 Unavailable people choose other unavailable people.

Find out why there is a moat around you that precludes you from finding decent honest men and trying to fill whatever voids in your life with a man who engages in sexual harassment and skirt-chasing.

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, nothing can change the past, but the good thing is you've learned an important life lesson so you can improve on how you'll operate your life moving forward.

Cutting all communication with him will eventually ensure closure. With time and distance, you won't feel so crappy anymore, nor think of him on a daily basis. There's no fast forwarding the grieving stages, but in the meantime you can pamper yourself with things you enjoy doing. And also a good way to take your mind off your own problems is to volunteer, helping someone less fortunate than you. It's a good way to feel good about yourself again. You're not the only person who's ever made mistakes in life, so give yourself a break. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

He has flirted with you for 13 years? Has he been with his wife all that time? Why hasn’t he left her yet if he isn’t happy?

And what do you mean you’re “against love and relationships”? In what way?

The above aside, you’ve done the right thing by stepping away. This man has cheated on his wife before and is prepared to do so again. I doubt he cares who he hurts in the process. Stay away from him.

Look upon your new job as a new chapter in your life. You’re going to be meeting new people and possibly making new friends. These things should help you move forward. Just don’t look back. Close that chapter. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I was going to suggest you visit the Baggage Reclaim blog and take a deep dive (still might be a useful exercise so feel free to check it out) but you already have an excellent boundary in place in refusing to be the other woman. I absolutely commend you for drawing that line!

 

The question of why it felt safe to develop feelings for this man who is unavailable (could this be a way to keep You safe from ever forming a meaningful connection with someone?) is still very worth exploring. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

20 hours ago, Hebi said:

because I'm naturally so against love and relationships,

I'm so sorry you're hurting. This ^^^ stood out to me.

You describe yourself as being 'naturally against' the human connection most people crave. Why is that? And why is it 'natural'?

It sounds as though you may have set yourself up to confirm the statement above.

Care to share your thoughts on this?

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Things will be clearer once you lose his contact and aren’t in touch anymore. You’ll be leaving the company soon so there’s a lot to look forward to. 

Why do you avoid love and relationships? Ignoring the issues or any resentment you have only compounds the problem over time. Unavailable people seek other unavailable individuals which is exactly what’s happened. Return back to the idea of love, real tangible love with someone worthy of your time and up your standards and maybe you won’t care about people like him. 

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
Posted (edited)
On 3/25/2022 at 6:11 PM, Blue68 said:

He has flirted with you for 13 years? Has he been with his wife all that time? Why hasn’t he left her yet if he isn’t happy?

And what do you mean you’re “against love and relationships”? In what way?

 

To answer the first question, yes, he has been with his wife the whole time. And to answer the next... I've asked myself that a million times. I think it has something to do with their kids, waiting until they have both graduated. And from the standpoint of having had parents that divorced when I was five years old, I can understand that. But that is only a guess, and frankly, I can't trust that he's not just saying all this to get what he wants from me, just to turn around and go home to his loving wife.

I suppose I am against the notion of love and marriage due to the fact that mother has had three marriages, first of which she cheated on father and ruined, second of which was abusive, and third of which she ruined by cheating again and turning into an alcoholic (but let's be honest, she was drinking long before that). I lived through all that, and learned not to trust men... but as I got older, I realized what I typed above, that it was my mother who was the problem in the relationship. Living through all that was hell, and seeing that love and marriage was the problem, I promised myself I would never be involved in either. So... I'll literally be thirty-five years old in a few months, and I've never known what 'falling in love' has felt like. So it hurts (a lot), that I would do that with someone who is married... it feels like I'm turning into my mother, and I can't think of a worst fate.

It is literally a kick to the stomach, that all this time I've denied myself something, and to find it with someone who goes home at night to his family and doesn't think a thing about me. It feels like the worst kind of karma, like this is proof that I'm just not supposed to have the husband, kids, and a handful of cats. And now that I'm figuring out that I kind of want that... it's just a rough blow.

@Rose Mosse @catfeeder (Tagging you two since you asked basically the same questions.)

...Thanks for listening.

Edited by Hebi
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Every journey starts somewhere even the ones about self discovery and new beginnings. 

Treat this as a new chapter while you figure out living differently - your way, not like anyone else including your mother. 

Once you stop being angry with yourself you’ll be more free to live in the way you wish. Don’t carry the past around with you. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

8 hours ago, Hebi said:

It is literally a kick to the stomach, that all this time I've denied myself something, and to find it with someone who goes home at night to his family and doesn't think a thing about me. It feels like the worst kind of karma, like this is proof that I'm just not supposed to have the husband, kids, and a handful of cats. And now that I'm figuring out that I kind of want that... it's just a rough blow.

Careful of the script you write for yourself. 

This isn't about karma, it's not some sentence imposed upon you. It's about where you've chosen to look.

It's not that you "can't" redirect your focus onto exploring more appropriate men, but rather that you have decided not to do that.

Recall the caution, "Be careful what you wish for..."?

You may have told yourself that you'll exemplify the opposite of your mother's behavior, but it makes no sense to look at your own and then claim that this was somehow inflicted upon you.

This isn't a finger-wag, it's practical. You own the power of self control and where you will focus and what you will seek. So? Seek differently, and anticipate better results.

If you want to make this more difficult than necessary, you can do that--it's not against the law, but the only person working against you is YOU.

Head high, you can move beyond this. And you can do it well.

Impress your Self.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...