I think I’m in a toxic relationship and I need help

[Cleo1234]

Hi All, 

I am in serious need of advice from other people. I think I know I’m not in a good relationship but I’ve been in it for 10 years and I’m struggling to come to terms with it and I keep finding excuses but I can’t help but feel like I know it’s not right deep down ( if that makes sense). 
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he has had a very troubled past which I think has probably made me more forgiving and lenient with things like expressing emotion.

However over the recent 6 months/year I have really been struggling with the way things are. He isn’t very loving towards (ie. ‘Regular couple things’) unless he has had a drink that’s the only time he will express how he really feels. 

He is very jealous with no good reason and has accused me of cheating on numerous occasions with the only ‘suspicious’ behaviour from myself being that I used to finish my conversation with my mum in the car after getting home from doing the horses and he thought that I was having a conversation with a man? Even though I’ve always been very open with my phone, he knows the code to unlock it,  it’s never changed. This resulted in me feeling unable to go out for fear he would think I had cheated, not wearing ‘revealing’ clothing so as not to draw attention. This did improve and he backed off, however he has now started being jealous with my boss, he will berate him whenever I mention work and call him some really horrible things bearing in mind he’s never met him. 
He doesn’t support anything I want to do, for instance I wanted to start a distance learning degree and his response to that was ‘well is there much point as I’m sure you will give up’. 
There are many more things that have happened and still happen that I don’t want to bore you with, I’m shocked you made it this far! 
I constantly find excuses for it, such as well he must love you he bought you a car, or he must love you he’s just bought a house with you and moved you in when you couldn’t because you couldn’t get the time off work and he made sure the living room was done for you. 
I just need some solid, brutal advice. 
I am really struggling with this as I’ve been with him for so long but I can’t keep going on the way that I am going it is detrimental to my health. 

if you got this far, thank you for reading. 
 

 

[robhsdca]

Until near the end of your post I was thinking, yes, probably toxic and a problem.  But then to hear more about the house than the car, that action says a lot on his behalf possibly.  I think it is hard to tell from your post if he's just closed off some emotionally due to anything at all from his past, or if there is a fundamental problem between the two of you.

What I can tell from your post is that not ALL of his behavior toward you is working for you. I think sometimes we are willing to accept things only for so long before they break us, and that may be where you're close to now.  There is a reason for the saying, "the straw that broke the camel's back", and you may just be at a point you can't take any more, but it's confusing some to you because of what you're perceiving now as mixed messages, but they may have been there all along.

What does he say to you when you ask him about this behavior toward you, assuming you've asked him?

[boltnrun]

He's trying to isolate you and accuses you of cheating. A car does not make up for that type of behavior.

If you want to live the rest of your life cowering before him and being accused of things you aren't doing and not having any friends or family, then by all means stay. But if not, you know what to do.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, Cleo1234 said:

such as well he must love you he bought you a car, or he must love you he’s just bought a house with you and moved you in

What exactly is actually in your name? Are you working? 

[goddess]

I really feel for you, Cleo.  That's not a good way to live, for sure.  I know you realise that his accusations are very stressful and unfair, to say the least.  It seems that he does care/love you but in his own way which, IMHO, is not really acceptable or fair to you.

I can identify with what you are feeling because I was in a tainted marriage.  I, like you, put up with his disrespectful and emotional abuse for many years (29 to be exact).  I put up with it because he had a rough childhood (he felt that his parents always put him on the back burner and focused more on themselves).  My situation was embarrassing because, even though I knew it, people were very aware of his unjust behaviour, and quite a few voiced their opinions. 

Long story short, HE actually blindsided me and asked for a divorce.  My world fell apart but I can honestly say that nowadays I feel relief and happiness.  Were there good times?  Yes.  Do I miss him.  At times.  It's been a bit over 3 years but I can guarantee you that you will feel better if you let go of your relationship.  Don't let the 10 years that you invested in this relationship keep you from doing what needs to be done, unless you want to continue living your life in misery.

Of course, there's always another option, if he's open to it.  Therapy.  We tried it but it only worked for a while.  I hope you will resolve this situation so that you can achieve true happiness.  Sending you a virtual hug. 

[Batya33]

If you won the lottery would you stay or would you go? Why does your boyfriend have to buy you a car and financially provide for you ?  What’s your job situation and do you have savings? If not why ?

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Cleo1234 said:

He is very jealous with no good reason and has accused me of cheating on numerous occasions

I have a feeling he's cheated on you and he's projecting.

That aside, nobody here needs a list of why you need to leave him. Listen to your feelings and needs. These are your biggest indicators and your inner compass. If it's time for you to leave, then it is. You deserve to be happy and to be loved in the right way.

And, I think you know it's time. Listen to that inner voice and love yourself enough to do what's good for you.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, Cleo1234 said:

Hi All, 

I am in serious need of advice from other people. I think I know I’m not in a good relationship but I’ve been in it for 10 years and I’m struggling to come to terms with it and I keep finding excuses but I can’t help but feel like I know it’s not right deep down ( if that makes sense). 
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and he has had a very troubled past which I think has probably made me more forgiving and lenient with things like expressing emotion.

However over the recent 6 months/year I have really been struggling with the way things are. He isn’t very loving towards (ie. ‘Regular couple things’) unless he has had a drink that’s the only time he will express how he really feels. 

He is very jealous with no good reason and has accused me of cheating on numerous occasions with the only ‘suspicious’ behaviour from myself being that I used to finish my conversation with my mum in the car after getting home from doing the horses and he thought that I was having a conversation with a man? Even though I’ve always been very open with my phone, he knows the code to unlock it,  it’s never changed. This resulted in me feeling unable to go out for fear he would think I had cheated, not wearing ‘revealing’ clothing so as not to draw attention. This did improve and he backed off, however he has now started being jealous with my boss, he will berate him whenever I mention work and call him some really horrible things bearing in mind he’s never met him. 
He doesn’t support anything I want to do, for instance I wanted to start a distance learning degree and his response to that was ‘well is there much point as I’m sure you will give up’. 
There are many more things that have happened and still happen that I don’t want to bore you with, I’m shocked you made it this far! 
I constantly find excuses for it, such as well he must love you he bought you a car, or he must love you he’s just bought a house with you and moved you in when you couldn’t because you couldn’t get the time off work and he made sure the living room was done for you. 
I just need some solid, brutal advice. 
I am really struggling with this as I’ve been with him for so long but I can’t keep going on the way that I am going it is detrimental to my health. 

if you got this far, thank you for reading. 
 

You should continue with your plan for distance learning and surround yourself with your loved ones. He seems far too controlling for you to ever grow as a person. Don't stay stuck in something so limiting and restrictive. 

[Kwothe28]

Are you into thinking that love could be bought? That just because he bought you a car, or did the house for you that means it justifies him needing a drink to express even a shred of affection or that he is so pathologically jealous that you cant talk to your mom?

It doesnt work like that. Some time ago I met a local principal. She is older and we all were on some gathering. Anyway, her friends teased her about her ex, how he misses her a lot, talks every day about her and everything. She just told "Let him miss me, I am never getting back". So there was a conversation and turns out her ex is a local doctor. Very well known and rich. But so pathologically jealous that when they lived together and she couldnt reach her phone because her women friends were over and phone was in other room, he run up from his private practice to their appartment to check on her and yelled why she hasnt been answering her phone. 

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, it doesnt work like you think. He maybe has feelings for you. But what he is feeling isnt some "love". Its possesivness. And can have very dire consequences. Now you cant call your mother. Tomorrow? Maybe not even leave the house. If he drinks he even maybe gets agressive. So, my suggestion is to do what principal did. Make the life for yourself and run. If you live at his house, rent an apprtment for yourself. But just leave. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, Cleo1234 said:

I constantly find excuses for it, such as well he must love you he bought you a car, or he must love you he’s just bought a house with you and moved you in when you couldn’t because you couldn’t get the time off work and he made sure the living room was done for you. 

While these gestures could be considered one way in an overall healthy relationship, unfortunately, they come from someone who doesn't trust you to even have a conversation with your own mother in your own driveway--or even to handle your own boss on your job.

In that case, you can clearly see how each of these gestures are designed to further obligate you and isolate you.

Not exactly a 'loving' agenda.

Consider making an appointment from work for a lunch break with a counsellor at a women's shelter, domestic violence agency or legal aid service to learn some options and possible resources to help you make a safe plan.

This does not obligate you to use the plan. And one plan doesn't prevent you from meeting with another resources to learn of different options. You'll have important inputs to consider from people who are experts in cases of isolation.

You don't have to figure everything out on your own, and you don't need to be alone in this.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

[Rox22]

Trend:
Jealousy, alcohol, belittling, controlling, possessive, projecting... and I'm sure there's more.

Do you wish to wait for him to be drinking, and possibly get physically abusive with you?
You either get professional help, or you leave him.

What is your financial situation? Would you be able to move in with anyone, if you leave?

[1a1a]

If the person you love struggles with jealousy and makes that your problem to manage instead on working on it themselves, and conquering it (working on it isn’t enough if the harmful impact on their loved one isn’t mitigated!) Then this person is in no mental state to be having a serious relationship with anyone. I’m in team leave.

Maybe you could have an awkward conversation with him where you tell him definitively that his unrestrained jealously is putting a strain on your relationship that Will kill it if it continues as it is, is he willing to do the work to own his own insecurities and behave in a different manner?! Yes or no you won’t tolerate a single extra argument about this and you’ll be leaving the room/house if he tries to push the matter, and then do that, every time he expresses some feeling to do with his uncontrolled jealousy.

 

That’s an awkward conversation you could have. But if he has even the slightest history of poor emotional regulation coupled with violent tendencies it might be too dangerous to even try and lay this boundary. (Maybe the first time you do it have a friend standing by outside with a get away car just in case. 
 

This one is burnt, abort, it’s unsalvageable. If you ever get entangled with another jealous man that awkward conversation happens Very early when he’s on his best behaviour and if he doesn’t change you walk.

[smackie9]

I think you would feel immense relief if you simply packup and left, sleep on a friends couch/ take a break. You need to get yourself out of that environment in order to understand your situation better, and have more clearer thought process. 

[DancingFool]

Him buying you things isn't love, it's control.

He bought you a car, so he can rightfully say that you don't need to improve your financial situation and he removed your incentive to do just that. He moved you in, not for your benefit but for his own - he can keep you where he can monitor you better.

Telling you that you don't need to study because you'll fail is both an attack on your self esteem, but also financial control again. If you don't improve, you won't get a better job, if you don't get a better job, that much harder for you to leave him.

Always be wary of gifts and actions that ultimately make you dependent and beholden.

[HungryGhost]

On 3/25/2022 at 2:49 PM, Cleo1234 said:

He is very jealous with no good reason and has accused me of cheating on numerous occasions with the only ‘suspicious’ behaviour from myself being that I used to finish my conversation with my mum in the car after getting home from doing the horses and he thought that I was having a conversation with a man?.......... This resulted in me feeling unable to go out for fear he would think I had cheated, not wearing ‘revealing’ clothing so as not to draw attention. This did improve and he backed off, however he has now started being jealous with my boss, he will berate him whenever I mention work and call him some really horrible things bearing in mind he’s never met him. 
He doesn’t support anything I want to do, for instance I wanted to start a distance learning degree and his response to that was ‘well is there much point as I’m sure you will give up’. 
 

I have experienced this exact thing. Run! It does not get better! People can get caught  cheating, but there is no way to prove that you are NOT cheating. So you will spend your life trying to convince him, and he will never believe you. So leave. 

My jealous ex was convinced that my desire to go to university meant that I would cheat on him. He thought that when I went out for a girls' night, I would cheat on him. He thought that when my roommate brought a guy home, I would cheat on him. Literally everything that ever happened meant I would cheat on him. I have earned two degrees since then, so it seemed like I got some studying done despite my unwavering dedication to cheating on him. He told me I was not smart enough to survive university, so i might as well drop out and save my money. He tried to coerce me to move in with him, but I resisted because i knew it was so that he could watch me 24/7, and I would have to be granted permission to go to the grocery store. I would not have been allowed to go anywhere else. 

If you leave, and I hope you do, I strongly suggest you arrange another place to stay so that he doesn't know where you are. My ex refused to accept the breakup for many months, and kept showing up at my house to take me out on dates after I had dumped him.

Someone who loves you will support you, not tear you down.