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I’m having a hard time breaking up with my bf.  He has been nasty to me. Broke my ankle and rib. ( almost a year ago) hasn’t done anything physical lately.  But yells at me for asking a question or for anything really….  He is good to my kids. But he is a manipulator and thinks he is in control ( doesn’t admit that obviously). How do I let him go.  We fight and then I beg him to stay.  Idk why. I’m 35. 3 kids. He’s 50.  I just think of the good times and when we’re so in love etc…. I’m gonna cry typing this…. I don’t want to be on my own… and sex is great…what do I do????? How can I be strong 

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I read some of your previous posts.  Have you ever thought of personal therapy?  Sometimes, when we are so low it's not easy to have that strength to handle difficult things.  Do you have anyone to talk to or any means of support?

I ask this because I was in a similar place. I honestly don't think I could have made some of the challenging decisions and choices I had to make without the benefit of support from a therapist.

Edited by reinventmyself
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11 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

I read some of your previous posts.  Have you ever thought of personal therapy?  Sometimes, when we are so low it's not easy to have that strength to handle difficult things.  Do you have anyone to talk to or any means of support?

I ask this because I was in a similar place. I honestly don't think I could have made some of the challenging decisions and choices I had to make without the benefit of support from a therapist.

I have.  I’ve never been to therapy.  I’m scared I guess. I have a hard time talking to people. And no I don’t have a lot of ppl to talk to etc.  my parents are close but don’t want to talk to them about my relationship.  Now I’m about to cry again.  Idk what to do.  He won’t text me back now anyways. It’s prob over. 

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19 minutes ago, Drainedemotion said:

We fight and then I beg him to stay.  Idk why.

Because you are in an abusive relationship. It's often the feeling people in abusive relationship have. Because other side has control over them. So even if they want to leave, they cant. For example you see him as agood stepdad to your kids. Nevermind that he probably yells at you and even resorted to physical violence. 

For the guy, you should just report him to police, and get a restraining order if he ever tries anything, even just figting you. Pretty sure with the ammount of abuse you have, you can get that.

For you, lots and lots of therapy. I dont even thnk you realize how much this is ruining your psyche. 

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1 minute ago, Drainedemotion said:

I have.  I’ve never been to therapy.  I’m scared I guess. I have a hard time talking to people. And no I don’t have a lot of ppl to talk to etc.  my parents are close but don’t want to talk to them about my relationship.  Now I’m about to cry again.  Idk what to do.  He won’t text me back now anyways. It’s prob over. 

You don't need to "talk about" anything to your parents, but you can tell them you need help for you and your kids/ a safe place to stay.

You should never tell your abuser that you are leaving, where you are, and go no contact. So what you do is wait for him to leave/go out, pack what you can, go to your parents. If he comes around call the police and have him removed. I know you will have a really strong urge to talk to him, but you have to use all your will power to know you need to stop it with him. I also suggest you call an abuse hot line. They will counsel you for free, and help you get resources to get/ counselling/ job search, etc...whatever you need.

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6 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You don't need to "talk about" anything to your parents, but you can tell them you need help for you and your kids/ a safe place to stay.

You should never tell your abuser that you are leaving, where you are, and go no contact. So what you do is wait for him to leave/go out, pack what you can, go to your parents. If he comes around call the police and have him removed. I know you will have a really strong urge to talk to him, but you have to use all your will power to know you need to stop it with him. I also suggest you call an abuse hot line. They will counsel you for free, and help you get resources to get/ counselling/ job search, etc...whatever you need.

It’s my house lol. He has to leave 

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Your poor kids are being terribly damaged by this toxic, abusive man and your refusal to remove him from your lives. Yes, they do too realize what's going on and they are too affected by the abuse.

Do you have a daughter? Do you want her to be married to a man who breaks her bones? Do you have sons? Do you want them to beat and abuse their future wives?

I doubt you'd trade the health and well being of your children for orgasms. So please, if you can't get motivated to get the abuser out of your life for yourself, do it for your children.

Tell your family about the abuse. Ask if you and your kids can stay with them temporarily or if someone can come stay with you when you kick the abuser out. Yes, you can. For your kids, you can do this.

Then set up support for yourself with a therapist and a group for women who struggle with abuse. Also, be sure to have your kids attend counseling as they are likely to suffer from PTSD from watching their mother get beaten (yes, they do know).

There is a lot of support out there. You just have to decide what's more important: getting off sexually or the health and well being of you and your precious children.

Edited by boltnrun
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1 minute ago, Drainedemotion said:

It’s my house lol. He has to leave 

Throw this criminal out of your house and get a restraining order. If you refuse hopefully your children will be placed with their father or other responsible relative.

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Do Not Leave Your House. Get A Restraining Order.

He will have to leave immediately with a police escort. Change the locks immediately.

You Do Not have to give an abuser notice. Incredibly dangerous to give someone who put you in the hospital the heads up.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Lol? Yes that it's your house has something to do with how legally you go about this. Will you LOL if heaven forbid he turns on your kids and you end up losing custody of your kids for letting this monster attack them? You've gotten great input here.  It's not funny - act today for your sake and your kids' sakes.

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Although he may be good to your kids and as much as you may try to hide this man's actions, they will see, hear and know what is going on.  They will grow up thinking this is normal.  As their mother, this is NOT an environment you should allow them to grow up in.  It WILL damage them and possibly even damage your relationship with them in the future.  For goodness sake, put your children first and get rid of this horrible man. 

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2 hours ago, Drainedemotion said:

It’s my house lol. He has to leave 

Thank you for that info. I’m afraid to tell anyone bc they’re obligated to report it. I’m a nurse.  That’s why I havent told a dr or anything 

my kids have not been around him like that. Please don’t question my parenting. I love my kids more than anything.  He is leaving today.  Have to think of them.  Thank you all so much 

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12 minutes ago, Drainedemotion said:

Thank you for that info. I’m afraid to tell anyone bc they’re obligated to report it. I’m a nurse.  That’s why I havent told a dr or anything 

my kids have not been around him like that. Please don’t question my parenting. I love my kids more than anything.  He is leaving today.  Have to think of them.  Thank you all so much 

I hope you will make him leave and never allow him back in, no matter what he says or does.

Change the locks immediately or add a new lock. Setup a camera system such as Ring so you can monitor if he comes around. Pay the few extra dollars for professional monitoring to keep you and your kids safe.

He will most likely try to come back. Not because he loves you so darn much. But because abusers know there are very few women who will put up with their abuse. They know there are very few women who will put up with having their bones broken just to get off sexually. Abusers have to work at finding a new victim. I bet he was sooo nice and sweet in the beginning...right? Well, abusers have to act nice in order to snare their next victim. If they broke bones on the first date they'd be in prison, not comfortably esconced in their victim's home. And abusers HATE having to act nice. They abuse because they like it and because they think you deserve it. So they don't like having to put on a Nice Guy act to get another woman to let them abuse her.

So he will likely pull out all stops. He'll try many tactics: bullying, name calling, threats, taunts, accusations of being unfaithful or loose. If none of that works he'll pull out the big guns, hoping to appeal to your sentimental side. He may send gifts or flowers. He may buy gifts for your kids. He may send you love songs or poems. He may try using self pity or threaten suicide.  Shoot, he might even squeeze out a few tears if he thinks it would work. 

But NONE OF THAT IS REAL. His goal isn't reconciliation because he loves you. His goal is to retain his punching bag. He abuses because he likes it and he won't like having his toy taken away.

Beware. 

Please do change the locks or add locks and also install a security system. And make sure your kids know not to go with him if he shows up at their schools.

I hope you really do mean it and are done with him for good. Your children depend on you to keep them safe both physically and emotionally. And please do sign up for counseling for all of you.

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2 hours ago, Drainedemotion said:

It’s my house lol. He has to leave 

In 'our house', I had my parents help getting out of my relationship ( physically leaving w/ the kids).  I prepared for it, arranging a day- where he was on afternoon shift. I had things packed and under my sons bed. My parents took us out when he was gone.  And would NOT return until he was gone!

It took abt 3 weeks and eventually my dad had to kick in & make the guy 'look' for an apartment. But, has been much better since.  No regrets.

You KNOW this is toxic.  So you need to get a backbone and step up now!  Enough is enough , right?  Heck, enough is enough when they are Abusive! ( mental, phsyical, verbal, sexual).

Be strong and get moving on this for your own well being and your kids!

 

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3 hours ago, Drainedemotion said:

He is good to my kids.

Apparently not. How is abusing their mother any good for them?

This relationship will force your children to need to recover from their childhood.

You're teaching them that BF's behavior is okay for THEM to accept for themselves in adulthood.

If you have daughters they will either choose partners who abuse them, OR, they will become abusers themselves--neither resulting into a good and happy outcome. If you have sons, they will view your BF's treatment of you as adoptable for themselves, and they will end up miserable or in jail.

Is this what you want your kids to learn?

THINK and move beyond your own scraps of gratification, if not for yourself, then for them.

Contact your local women's shelter or domestic violence agency for an appointment with a counselor who can help you with resources and potential options for a plan.

You don't have to be alone in this.

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I don’t question your love for your kids. I do question your parenting choices given what you’ve described they’ve witnessed and been exposed to from a man who is not even their father or married to you. And if he were obviously he’d still be an abuser but this is even worse. You’ve been putting him and your fears of being alone ahead of your kid’s well-being. That’s not a good parenting choice.  

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t question your love for your kids. I do question your parenting choices given what you’ve described they’ve witnessed and been exposed to

Bingo. 

Your children deserve to grow up safe and secure and away from a man who hurts their mother. They are not oblivious no matter their ages or what they haven't directly seen - they are in an unstable and violent home environment with a mother in distress. That is affecting them, whether or not you see the impact yet. 

Get this man out of your house and out of your life. 

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I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I agree with everyone above. Cut FULL CONTACT with this man and get a restraining order. You need to protect yourself and be safe to be a good mom. And you need to love yourself and the kids more than this awful man and relationship to get to him to leave for good. Just don't look back.

In the meanwhile, you might want to look at https://booktrib.com/2018/04/10/interview-avery-neal-emotional-abuse/and reflect. You might need the/a book that will help you through this. And, please consider therapy asap.

Note that couple's therapy for abusive relationships is NOT helpful. And @boltnrunlaid out some good reasons as to why you shouldn't go back to him. Trust me, it's much harder to find another woman and start over, than come back to you and lie his way in. So you really really need to be on your own for a long while to start healing. Draw that firm line in the sand for you and your kids. And please ask friends and family for help. It happens to the best of us. You are braver than you think.

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20 hours ago, Drainedemotion said:

Thank you for that info. I’m afraid to tell anyone bc they’re obligated to report it. I’m a nurse.  That’s why I havent told a dr or anything 

my kids have not been around him like that. Please don’t question my parenting. I love my kids more than anything.  He is leaving today.  Have to think of them.  Thank you all so much 

I hope you and the kids will be alright. The separation is going to be hard on everyone. Be strong you will get through this. Hold your kids closer.

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On 3/25/2022 at 10:48 AM, Drainedemotion said:

Thank you for that info. I’m afraid to tell anyone bc they’re obligated to report it. I’m a nurse.  That’s why I havent told a dr or anything 

my kids have not been around him like that. Please don’t question my parenting. I love my kids more than anything.  He is leaving today.  Have to think of them.  Thank you all so much 

Did he go? Left? Gone yet? Double bolt that door and put cameras out front. 

Take care of yourself now and your kids. Be with your family and friends.

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