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Is there something I can do to get more out of this relationship or should I just let it go?


Gperez14
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Hello all,

I am new here so sorry if this is too long or if I mess up on something. I’m hoping I can get what I’m saying across lol.

 

So I have been in a casual relationship with a man for just over a year, about 13 months. I met him initially 6 years ago when I was 19 and I was instantly attracted to him but he was my boss so I didn’t say or do anything the entire time I worked for him. The day he quit that company, he confessed that he liked me and he took me out for dinner that night and we slept together. On his end, it seemed like I was just a one, maybe two time thing, and I honestly didn’t care because I liked him so much, it was worth it… but we ended up continuing our causal relationship for the next year and half. Although it was causal, and mostly sexual, he eventually referred to me as his girlfriend and he always made me feel special and important, which is why I stayed with him for so long. But since it wasn’t going anywhere, I eventually got a real serious boyfriend and he completely respected that and we went out separate ways, but ended on good terms. This was in 2016-2018.

 

So fast forward to Summer of 2020 and we’ve reconnected (my bf and I split). Initially it’s friendly on my end but he quickly regains attraction to me and eventually I do as well. We hit some road bumps at first because he wanted to jump into sex and I felt I needed to get to know him again (he’s the only casual relationship I’ve ever had). Because of this we ended up not talking for 2 months but in February 2021 we finally had sex again for the first time since we split years ago. And again, this seems mostly sexual for him which I wasn’t necessarily into but I was ok with us being casual again, but he’s the ONLY casual relationship I’ve ever had and despite it being casual, I’ve always had feelings for him. I’ve always known that but I never expressed it too much to him and I always kept in my mind that it would only go so far, so I accepted that and handled it well.. but since I had gone though this with him before, I figured although it’s casual, it would hopefully be like it was before. Like he would make me feel special and important and cared for like he did before. But since we’ve gotten back together, it just doesn’t have the same feeling anymore. 

Our relationship has evolved since we first had sex again.. like we talk more, we express more to each other than before, I feel like we both can trust each other but I just don’t feel special. Before, he would call me his girlfriend. He never calls me his girlfriend now. Before, he would kiss me hello or goodbye or both. But we haven’t kissed ONCE since getting back together. We lay together, we cuddle/snuggle, we have the most wild sex… We do all these other intimate things yet it’s lacking intimacy. Because of the lack of intimacy, I feel like I can’t be completely comfortable with him physically because I’m not comfortable with him emotionally. A lot of times I feel like just a friend or just an employee.. We’ve talked about this a bit before. I told him once that I don’t believe in “friends with benefits” relationships because To me if your having sex with a friend, they most likely aren’t just a “friend”. And There was a time where he would always refer to me as “friend” and it really bothered me. I didn’t tell him how I was feeling but one day he was a bit worried about my “friends with benefits” comment and he asked me how I saw him and I told him I saw him as more than a friend but that I had limited expectations of him (meaning, I’m not expecting him to marry me, have a baby with me, etc). He was relieved to know I was getting all crazy obsessed on him… and When I asked him the same question, “How do you see me?” he agreed he saw me as more than a friend as well. This made me feel better and I took this as a good sign but that was back in October or November. It’s now March and I still haven’t gotten that feeling from him that I got before.. and he STILL hasn’t kissed me. I don’t know why I’m so intimidated to talk to him about this.. I guess im worried about behind vulnerable and making him aware I have some deeper feelings towards him. I think im worried he doesn’t feel the same way, or that I’ll scared him off. If he doesn’t feel the same way as me, I couldn’t continue this with him. As much as I like him, I just can’t have sex with someone that doesn’t feel for me what I feel towards them. It’s a deal breaker… part of why I’ve been scared and hoping he’ll just do all this on his own like he did before. And it’s unattractive to me that he doesnt kiss me at all. I don’t want to come off desperate but not sure if I should say something or just let it go.

Edited by Gperez14
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19 minutes ago, Gperez14 said:

he was my boss so I didn’t say or do anything the entire time I worked for him. The day he quit that company, he confessed that he liked me and he took me out for dinner that night and we slept together. This was in 2016-2018.

we haven’t kissed ONCE since getting back together. We lay together, we cuddle/snuggle, we have the most wild sex

Unfortunately he just wants hookups/FWB. Free yourself if you want a committed BF.

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Sorry to say, but seems like really casual thing. And that at least he treats it like that. You were young, he was your Boss, even though he quit prior dont believe he ever wanted a proper relationship. Just wants fun here and there. Kissing you or some feelings isnt among his priorities. Probably never was.

So, let it go. You will never get something more there.

Also is he older?

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47 minutes ago, Gperez14 said:

I just can’t have sex with someone that doesn’t feel for me what I feel towards them. It’s a deal breaker

Obviously you can, and obviously it's not a deal breaker or you would have broken the deal already.

48 minutes ago, Gperez14 said:

I think im worried he doesn’t feel the same way, or that I’ll scared him off.

If telling him how you feel "scares him off", then you never really had him to begin with...right?

Decide what you truly want. If it's a committed, love relationship you want this man isn't the right one for you.

Side note, don't ever lie to yourself that you're fine with "casual" when you really aren't. It does you no good to pretend to be OK with something. And acting like that doesn't get you a committed love relationship. In fact, as you've seen, it gets you the exact opposite.

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To answer your question: let it go. What you see is what you get. What you have now is the most of what you can get from this man. And, he's been clear about this. You're just his fwb for his sex needs. Nothing more, nothing less.

Free yourself to find single serious men who are willing to be committed to you and make you feel more than special. You deserve better than this and can do much better.

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I agree with Bolt and DancingFool. He never wanted a relationship with you and nothing has changed- you're telling yourself lies that there are signs that he wants more.  Believe me if he did want a relationship with you it would be extremely obvious. A person who wants a committed relationship doesn't ever risk making that intention less than 100% clear for fear of losing their special person to someone else.  

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You can't ever get any wasted time back to live over again.

Unfortunately, you've created a fantasy, and you've tricked yourself into believing that you can influence this guy to conform to it.

He won't. And you know that he won't.

Stop cutting yourself off from opportunities to learn how to thrive solo until you find the RIGHT man to give you the loving simpatico you want and deserve.

You're languishing in a sex thing with a guy who is willing to use you as long as you're willing to keep pretending that it doesn't bother you.

Instead of spending your private time fantasizing about this man, reach for your kindest, most respectful and dignified Self as a guide toward a wonderful future that you simply can't fathom right now. Trust that you own the courage and resilience to explore your hidden interests to find a passionate focus beyond this man.

If you can trust the unknown long enough to liberate yourself, you will thank yourself later.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

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9 hours ago, Gperez14 said:

I told him once that I don’t believe in “friends with benefits” relationships

And yet, that's exactly what you're doing here. 

9 hours ago, Gperez14 said:

I just can’t have sex with someone that doesn’t feel for me what I feel towards them. It’s a deal breaker

Well, apparently not. You know, deep-down, that he doesn't see you the same way you see him. And you're still having sex with him. 

You're contradicting yourself, but I get that it's because you are hoping he will reassure you that he does have feelings for you and wants to be closer to you. But he hasn't, and that's because he doesn't see this as a relationship. You didn't "get back together." You just started sleeping together again. 

This man doesn't want what you want. If it hasn't happeend by now, it's never going to. It's clear as day, so yes, it's way beyond time to let it go.  You're wasting your time here. 

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"If it hasn't happeend by now, it's never going to"

And that's also because it was a sexual arrangement -that was the focus, the main entree.  I do think in certain cases a true platonic friendship can blossom into romance after years and years -seen it happen - there's no expiration date really.  But when you start out with a sexual arrangement then with very rare exception (and not in your case because your history shows that you show him you'll settle for scraps -not gonna motivate him to want to commit if anything would) - with very rare exception two people who start out with a sexual arrangement can -usually early on -be on the same page and figure out hey this is a lot more. 

And if it starts out with casual dating -properly dating -but with options open -that too can blossom into a commitment -usually within the first couple of months of dating -even if the couple is having sex already- that's because often the dating couple will know that each of them is looking for something serious and the intention in dating (casually) is to get to know each other and see if there is potential. 

This guy never had those intentions.  He's not a bad guy at all -just not wanting a relationship with you.  Please stop wasting your precious time. What you call "evolving" has nothing to do with his intentions because it's against the backdrop of him seeing this as a sexual arrangement.  And you're available to joke around with, have deep convos with etc but you're not his girlfriend and girlfriend is not just a title -and he knows it.  He's going to kiss the woman he sees potential with.  And get over him ASAP because you'll run into those social media photos with him kissing her cheek in a lovely field or him kissing the cheek of his future mother in law.  Be over him by that point. 

When a guy who didn't want me (dated him for 5 months) got engaged I still felt that twinge but didn't feel nauseous because I'd been over him mostly for quite a long time, my friend gently told me and I was in a so so relationship so had I not been over him it would have been a gut punch.  Think about it.

Edited by Batya33
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You approach the conversation with the mindset that you are not asking anything from him, rather stating your preferences and values.  Though you value your friendship, you'd rather not participate in a sex only relationship.  You prefer to save that for someone that you share romantic, intimate feelings with.  It didn't happen for you two before and it's not happening now.  Anything less isn't worth the effort.

If you aren't asking anything from him, then you shouldn't be nervous about telling him who you are and having the self respect to stand behind it.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I can't say what was going through his mind last time. Maybe he wanted more, maybe he was just telling you what you want to hear. This time around tho, whatever reason, he has set strong boundaries with you as to what this is between you.

I suggest you express your expectations and see what he says. It's possible this time around he could be protecting his heart. You don't know until you have that conversation with him.

If he gives you excuses, or his actions don't match his words...DO NOT wait around for him to change/come around. Cut him lose quick.

Edited by smackie9
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When you act like a quivering violet, afraid to address what you want and settling for crumbs, predators can sniff out easy prey from miles away.

If you want to attract, and be attracted to decent men, you will have to be very clearcut with yourself, and a new dating prospect, on your dating/relationship goals.

As for me, when I dated, when it got to the point where kissing and more would be involved, I did not like to multi-date, and I preferred someone who shared that dating style. It doesn't mean others are wrong in alternative dating styles, but I know myself, and I chose to do what made me comfortable.

Why sacrifice for your needs for anybody? Why settle in the one precious life you have on this planet? There are no do-overs.

When you first start dating someone, by date three you should be finding out what a person's dating/relationship goals are, and if they don't match yours, cut them off and continue your search.

I'd tell this man who is totally clear that he's just not that into you that the relationship isn't working for you, and you will have to go no contact. Do not stay tethered to a former FWB because it will ruin things with a future bf who will not trust that your heart is free and clear to bond with him.

This should be a learning experience of what you DON'T want in life. When you meet someone who is crazy about you, you will shake your head at why you were ever with that user, and will appreciate the right one that much more. Take care.

 

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21 hours ago, Gperez14 said:

I’ve always had feelings for him. I’ve always known that but I never expressed it too much to him and I always kept in my mind that it would only go so far, so I accepted that and handled it well.. but since I had gone though this with him before, I figured although it’s casual, it would hopefully be like it was before. Like he would make me feel special and important and cared for like he did before. But since we’ve gotten back together, it just doesn’t have the same feeling anymore. 

Sadly, it sounds like things just aren't the 'same' anymore.

Is possible that things went sour after your previous BU, to which there's now some 'lack of trust' or ability to give whole heartedly.

It happens sometimes.  Is so much better the first time around.

So, is maybe time to work on accepting this isn't for you 😕 If HE is not all in it and is unable to show some real affection then just be done.

 

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