Jump to content

Feelings for an ex from 4 years ago have resurfaced even though i'm a relationship.


Recommended Posts

So, 4 years ago I was dating someone, our relationship was very intense and dramatic, some would say like something out of a movie. Very deap and very passionate. We couldnt stay together for cultural reasons (he was to have an arranged marriage). I was beyond heart broken but managed to get through it. I get into a new relationship very fast and it was very toxic and unhealthy. Im now in a new relationship, it's healthy and it has a strong future. The problem is a lot of old feelings are coming up for the ex from 4 years ago. I feel like the break up has happened all over again and i have no idea where its come from. I also find myself fantasising about past memories with him and wishing I could relive them.

Now I dont know if these feelings have resurfaced because I'm missing something in my current relationship, because I preffered who I was at the time of the original relationship, because I never fully got over him or of it's just because I miss him. 

Either way, I need advise on how to surpass this as if I keep feeling like this it's going to turn very self destructive. 

 

Grateful for any advise. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

9 minutes ago, Amod47 said:

Now I dont know if these feelings have resurfaced because I'm missing something in my current relationship, because I preffered who I was at the time of the original relationship, because I never fully got over him or of it's just because I miss him. 

Probably a mix of all of those. Can you unpack with a therapist? How about journaling your feelings and writing a letter to your ex which you'll burn? A letter to thank him for the relationship and great times, but also tells him that he decided to go with an arranged marriage instead of you. That you will learn what you need and don't, and move on.

The man you miss, I'm sorry to say, has no courage. He went with an arranged marriage and picked that over YOU. If he really loved you, he would have stood up for you and the relationship. But he didn't have the guns to do it. You were never his priority. That should tell you something regardless of his culture.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So you're pining for someone who basically used you. He knew the outcome of his life, what was expected, and yet he was okay using you to sow his wild oats before his adult life began. It might be good for you to stop thinking of him through rose colored-glasses, as in the reference to the reason of cultural reasons, instead of that he used you as a fun starter relationship. I'm not saying this to hurt your feelings, but so that you're realistic that he was not the love of your life.

Do you check his social media? Did you keep photos of him and other memorabilia? Because those are things that will keep you from getting closure. You can also stop yourself from fantasizing about him, since you do have power over your own mind.

I'd suggest devoting that mental energy to building an emotional connection with your boyfriend. If you can't get excited over your relationship with him, then maybe he's good on paper but you're just not that into him. If that's the case, free him so he can be with someone who will be crazy about him.

As for you, you should remain single for a good year and find happiness solo before attempting to date again. It sounds like you rely on a man to be the source of your happiness instead of being happy and wanting to share that happiness with a companion. There is a big difference there. 

Do you have hobbies/interests and quality time spent with family and friends? When I met my future husband, I made sure to keep up with my hobbies and time with friends. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, Amod47 said:

Now I dont know if these feelings have resurfaced because I'm missing something in my current relationship

Yes, you apparently miss drama

3 hours ago, Amod47 said:

our relationship was very intense and dramatic, some would say like something out of a movie. Very deap and very passionate.

With him and previous toxic guy, you had plenty of it. It is not out of the ordinary for the person to do that. You got used to a certain degree of drama in a relationship. And accepted that as a natural order of being in love. So when you dont get that from a new guy, you think something is out of the order and missing. I mean it maybe does. Maybe your new guy is not that "passionate" for your taste. However I do believe that the root is in you. And that you will need some work on that. Because I dont see any compaints about the new one. And yet you still fantasize about some guy from 4 years ago because your relationship was like a latino soap opera probably. If you want new healthy relationship to last or even some other one, you need to put some work on your own growth. Because this is not about some random arranged marriage guy from 4 years ago, this is about you. 

Edited by Kwothe28
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...