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Phone Use and Trust Issues with Girlfriend


Moof
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Posted (edited)

Thanks for the feedback.

We had laid out some framework for an eventual move in together.
 

So a little more on that…

This was to be further discussed once I figured out what the insurance company was going to do for my damaged house and the time it would take to either fix it up or sell as-is. It’s still early in that process so the timing is still nebulous. And with the supply chain and labor shortages, It’s looking like 9 months.. then selling.

There were some additional arguments about timing since her lease ends mid summer, but with the unknowns of the timing of all this since there are so many factors at play that are out of my control.

We even discussed her moving  into this temporary house to account for overlap if needed. I even brought her to the showing to further a team aspect to all this and asked for her opinion which she was fine with.

The insurance company is providing rental furniture at this property that is equal to what I had before. Standard stuff like tv, tv stand, bed, guest bed, dinning room table and couch.


However, when I mentioned to her about the guest bed, she got upset and asked why, I stated that they are offering me the same set of furniture that I had before and it’s nice to have a guest bed in case a friend or something comes over and needs to stay the night.
 

She was as upset by this saying that I’m prioritizing my friends. And that she would not have space for her furniture since the house is getting fully furnished by the insurance company. I understand that to a degree, but I explained that I was just agreeing to the same set that I had before , I would be in the house a few months before she would, if she even needed to be, and thought that since this is a large 1,800 square foot 4 BR rental house, the rental furniture could be moved around, stored in the basement, stuffed in one of the many rooms or recalled. 

I understand and told her that I should’ve looped her into the rental furniture discussion. That was my mistake.

I think this part could of have aided to the overall sentiment.

This whole situation has moved so fast and it’s been hard to think everything through with all the stress.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Moof
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3 minutes ago, Moof said:

She was as upset by this saying that I’m prioritizing my friends.

She is so beyond selfish. All she ever thinks about is herself.  I am just just hearing about how she thinks.

Either you are hiding why she became nutty on a self-sabotaging path, and that's why you put it up with it (no judgment), or she's just an awful person, let along girlfriend.

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No, the whole situation is her finding fault with everything and anything you do because that is what she wants. She enjoys watching you fall all over yourself trying to please her. Maybe she thinks it "proves" how much you love her. Or maybe she just gets off on being verbally and emotionally abusive.

 

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1 hour ago, Moof said:

I understand and told her that I should’ve looped her into the rental furniture discussion. That was my mistake.

I think this part could of have aided to the overall sentiment.

Uhm, no. This woman may have paid you occasional lip service, but she never had your back and has never been empathetic to your losses or your needs or the practicality of your dealings with recovery agencies that do NOT involve her.

The focus of those agencies is to restore the snapshot of your life BEFORE you moved in with this woman.That in itself is your concrete position to accept all help without deferring to ANYone to make this process more complex.

Rather than respect this process as would any mature adult with YOUR best interests in mind, this woman turned into a toddler. She has since turned every reasonably autonomous move you've made, right down to looking at your phone, into a bizarre drama, and that's not just a red flag--it's a giant neon sign.

I'm sorry because I realize that you've loved her, but the nightmare that started with your house fire can only get worse if you remain involved with this woman.

I don't say that lightly.

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3 hours ago, Moof said:

We had laid out some framework for an eventual move in together.

Dude, again, no. As Ive said, think of this as a trial period of living together. If she cant stand you talking on the phone and throws a fit about YOUR guest room(You should have told her that you can make it a baby room later, that would probably calm her down lol) then imagine what kind of fit she would throw when you do live together. Think of this as a blessing in disguise as you found out what its like to live with somebody like that. Dont move somebody unless you are absolutely sure you can coexist together. You and that girl clearly cant.

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5 hours ago, Moof said:

We had laid out some framework for an eventual move in together.

5 hours ago, Moof said:

This was to be further discussed once I figured out what the insurance company was going to do for my damaged house

It seems to me that this "move in" only came up, b/c her lease is up this Summer, or had you discussed a possible move in, prior to your house burning down?

5 hours ago, Moof said:

We even discussed her moving  into this temporary house

5 hours ago, Moof said:

The insurance company is providing rental furniture at this property that is equal to what I had before.

5 hours ago, Moof said:

She was as upset by this saying that I’m prioritizing my friends. And that she would not have space for her furniture since the house is getting fully furnished by the insurance company

What part does she not understand that this is a TEMP home? She's acting like it's your/her "Forever home" Also, when you are getting fully compensated by the Insurance Company - YOU DON'T REFUSE HELP! This is for you, a rental for you to get through/by, until you are back on your feet w/YOUR new home. She is beyond selfish. It's a 4BDRM home, and while she can bring a FEW things, she really should "cough up" $$$ and pay for TEMP storage, like a NORMAL person.
Sounds to me, like she wants to use this house as HER TEMP storage facility.

And, I'm sorry, but would she have felt the same if you had mentioned a family member? Who doesn't want a spare bed? But, that's not the point. Her obsession w/your friends I think is an excuse to a bigger problem here. 

5 hours ago, Moof said:

I understand and told her that I should’ve looped her into the rental furniture discussion. That was my mistake.

No, actually it wasn't. Your mistake is acting like a doormat and letting her walk all over you.
This is btwn you and the Insurance Co. After the way she's been acting, you feel bad that you're not incl. her in YOUR life's decisions?

This is a TEMP home. She's using you, all the while manipulating and abusing you.

5 hours ago, Moof said:

This whole situation has moved so fast and it’s been hard to think everything through with all the stress.

You're right. It is hard for you to see clearly, esp. where she's concerned. That's why you came here. Unless you're planning on coming back here in a few months (if not sooner) w/the same drama and issues, then you'd be wise to heed everyone's advice on here. LEAVE HER - SHE'S A TOXIC, NARCISSIST. 

We're not being harsh here, only pointing out the facts. You need to take the "emotions" out of this re: you and her, and really see the situation for what it really is.

GL

Edited by Rox22
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Her behavior is unacceptable I’m really sorry about everything you’ve been through because of her toxic personality. In my opinion she wanted to break up with you but she wasn’t brave enough that’s why she was acting problematic since she wanted you to dump her. That was before the temporary house of course now she wants to use you and your house. Also even if I’m wrong you shouldn’t be living with her. Refuse her offer and break up with her already.

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Thank you all,

I really appreciate the insight. This has been so challenging with everything on my plate. I've never felt this weak before.

She's made a couple attempts to contact me in this short time, even using the L word.. I really could've just use the space to think things through..

But I may need to follow through with the decision to walk away soon.

As everyone state, this type of behavior doesn't get better and I owe it to myself to be fight for what I deserve.

It just sucks.

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43 minutes ago, Moof said:

Thank you all,

I really appreciate the insight. This has been so challenging with everything on my plate. I've never felt this weak before.

She's made a couple attempts to contact me in this short time, even using the L word.. I really could've just use the space to think things through..

But I may need to follow through with the decision to walk away soon.

As everyone state, this type of behavior doesn't get better and I owe it to myself to be fight for what I deserve.

It just sucks.

Well, people who enjoy bullying others don't give up easily simply because it's difficult to find someone new who will stay and take their abuse. So she'll try to lure you back.

Keep in mind, she isn't interested in changing. She just wants her plaything back.

Sorry you were put through this. But better days are ahead, not with her but with someone who will appreciate you.

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It’s normal to feel weak because of your girlfriend’s behavior. So you should use your space and fight for yourself. In a short period of time if you decide to break up I’m sure you’ll feel relieved. This may seem hard first but it’s the right thing to do.

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Posted (edited)

It was a difficult conversation 

she apologized and said that she had a previous relationship where she was cheated on and the phone thing triggered her and she was irrational.

I accepted the apology and stood firm.

Explaining that there was an absence in trust and compassion and that we aren’t compatible in the long term.

I feel like ***.

but it was telling some of the closing remarks of “So you never loved me?” “Thanks for wasting the last year of my life” “Thanks for breaking up with me on the phone” “Thought you said we could work it out, so you lied about?”

some of those lines are telling..

Bottom line, as explained in this thread, I didn’t see the behavior changing and I cannot be her therapist. I did not want to regret this down the line

Too many red flags. 
 

 

Edited by Moof
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Her apology was too little, too late and lame.  She's an adult.  She doesn't get to blame all of this on her past.  Yes, a small slip up where the person then explains the trigger -but with the explanation is "this triggered me. I recognize the trigger. I am working hard on not reacting irrationally to these triggers and this time I messed up. It won't happen again".

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She's going through the bully playbook.  She'll try any tactic to see if one of them works on you.  Seems like she's using guilt currently.

Fortunately, forewarned is forearmed.  You know what to watch for and you also know she's not sincere.  Not if she can go from "I LOVE you!!!" to "You're a liar!!"

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Although she is acting ridiculous with you… I don’t think this means you guys need to end the relationship. It simply means you guys are living together unplanned and really learning each other’s habits. You are learning a whole other side of each other. Hopefully you get out of her place soon. If and when you guys move in together in the future, you will have plenty of time to plan and make sure everyone is on the same page. 

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21 hours ago, Moof said:

Too many red flags. 

Yes. If she is on a hair trigger this much that she beats you up for her exes' sins, it's a huge red flag. Not to mention that she thinks you're texting women on the toilet while your house burned down.

I was visiting someone in the hospital once and the guy in the next bed had all sorts of tubes, catheters, etc. and his wife was arguing with him about 'flirting with the nurses'.🙄

Pathological jealousy is an ugly thing.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Posted (edited)

It just sucks because I really wanted this to work out.

But I can't tolerate the controlling behavior; upset about me hanging out with friends, being on my phone, accidentally glancing in the direction of another women at the gym, selfish tendencies, threatening to kick me out.

The threat to kick me out repeatedly is nuclear and I'm terrified that If I were to of let that slide, similar threats could be made for other, more invested things such as a theoretical home that we owned, kids, bank accounts.

I appreciated the apology and feel sorry for what happened into her in the past, but It just felt like a stab in the back and for the reasons I outlined above, I ended up loosing trust. Especially after the fire.

I'm stewing in my emotions with the classics of "what if I gave her another chance" "would it have been better if we gave it a chance on neutral grounds" I really hoped that we could've made it out of this temporary situation and made it to neutral territory, but then the nuclear option was used and it was incredibly hurtful and dissapointing.

I had been in a controlling relationship several years ago that I allowed to continue through a second chance and it burned me even harder later, I did not want to make that mistake here. Which also has me now wondering why I'm attracting this type, something I need to think about.

I'm hoping the heartbreak passes and I can find some clarity. In my mind I believe it was the right choice, but my heart thinks differently. 

 

Edited by Moof
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Do you find controlling women sexy and exciting? Do you think possessiveness and jealousy are signs of how much a woman "loves" you?

It's not a big deal if you're the type of person who prefers to take the back seat and be dominated in your relationships. My brother is very turned on by controlling women. He seems to be excited by being ordered around and having to jump through hoops to "keep" a woman and to get her to love him. He's been divorced twice though so there is that...

It's probably good for you to have this time to reflect on who and what you truly want in your romantic relationships.

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