Girl is coming on hot and heavy

[jazz_lover]

I've had a few dates with this very sweet Persian girl. She likes that I speak a bit of the language saying it melts her heart and from the beginning she has been very affectionate and touchy feely....making out with me in the pub on our first date, holding my hands while we waited for dinner on the second date, snuggling up and resting her head on my chest during the movie on our second date and hugging me tightly during the scary bits and kissing me during lulls in the movie etc. 

She is also talking about all these future activities she wants to do together. She even mentioned she was going skiing end of the month and did I want to go. I didn't know if the invitation was serious so sidestepped it and she didn't bring it up again. She said she swiped left on 100 guys on the dating app before she came to my profile and has basically told me I am exactly her type.

Obviously this is all very flattering and feels great especially as she is cute and sweet and warm. 

But of course she hardly knows me and to have this kind of initial intensity probably means she has idealized me in her mind. To give an indication her dating app profile tagline was "Passionately romantic looking for the perfect lover". So that is a lot for a guy to try to live up to! Also in my experience girls who can heat up very quickly can also go cold very quickly especially when expectations meet reality. And I have been burnt in the past and am not just looking for a spring fling so I am feeling a bit cautious. And with the last girl I was interested in things headed south when I showed too much interest so my inclination at the moment is to play it cool. 

I am a little familiar with her culture and they don't really have the concept of dating so people tend to jump in (and out) of relationships very quickly. And their women tend to be hot blooded and very emotional. 

On the plus side so far she is not blowing up my phone with texts and letting me initiate contact and propose dates. So that should help me slow things down. 

She also warned me that when she senses a guy is going cold she moves on so she doesn't get hurt. So I face a difficult balancing act as if she starts to feel neglected or if I seem too hesitant or unsure and do not match her intensity to some degree that could put her off and kill some of the romance but if I don't cool her jets and take things slow it could fizzle out very quickly. 

Any suggestions on how I can strike the right balance?

 

 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Any suggestions on how I can strike the right balance

Keep going on dates and getting to know each other. Skip the  stereotyping. 

What's "off balance"? you just started dating. The only imbalance is your extreme prejudices about just about everything . Same with the other woman.

Don't get drunk and have bouts of ED which is what ended the last dating situation. Pace yourself.

[smackie9]

Don't play way too cool...be responsive to her affections but keep it balanced. 

[Kwothe28]

Dont think its up to you. Person with insecure attachment style will adore you one day and hate you for some reason the other. You say that you experienced it so you probably know what I am talking about. So if she is "hot and cold" as the wind blows, there is really no telling what triggers that. Dont think it would matter if you match her intensity or not. Or if you "play it cool". 

So you do you. You say that she doesnt blow your phone and that she is responsive so just continue. Go on dates and see where it leads. 

Also, please avoid situations like with the Turkish girl. Where you were hoping for more but she just wanted "friend with benefit" to have fun and pay her drinks while she meets another guys at bars. If you say that you dont want fling, then your priority is to find out if she wants that also and acts in that way. So work on that.

[Rose Mosse]

You're overthinking again. Be present and yourself. That's all that's needed. If you feel she's disingenuous or too much too soon, she's not for you. Next.

[Rox22]

How old are both of you?

[jazz_lover]

Yeah initial signs are quite positive. She says she only likes to party once every few months. She says she doesn't drink much. And she mentioned the guys in her social circle weren't relationship material which is why she is on the dating apps. And she says she likes quiet guys. She also wanted to make sure that I also wanted kids in the future so I guess that also indicates she is a serious girl and doesn't want to waste her time.

She is early 30s Im mid 30s. 

[DancingFool]

38 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Yeah initial signs are quite positive. She says she only likes to party once every few months. She says she doesn't drink much. And she mentioned the guys in her social circle weren't relationship material which is why she is on the dating apps. And she says she likes quiet guys. She also wanted to make sure that I also wanted kids in the future so I guess that also indicates she is a serious girl and doesn't want to waste her time.

She is early 30s Im mid 30s. 

Nothing much is positive here. You already noted yourself that those who come on hot and heavy, go cold just as fast. That's very true. Yet, you are ignoring your own knowledge and experience with that.

You are also ignoring the fact that this girl is already talking out of both sides of her mouth in that she wants a guy who is passionate and will go hot and heavy with her BUT also is telling you that she likes quiet guys....so which is it? She has also told you point blank that she is flaky and insecure and will run rather than communicate if something is not to her liking or understanding. Talk about setting you up right off the bat to walk on eggshells....yikes....

Wanting kids at some vague point in the future is nothing much. Sure people will touch on that subject early on, but it really means nothing and certainly does not mean that she wants that with you or in the near future. You are assuming too much too soon here.

Ultimately, you are making the same identical mistake as with the previous girl - you will follow blindly whoever happens to flatter your ego as you perceive it. Then you waste time and get hurt. 

Dude, you need to learn to make better choices and start seeing beyond your ego. What you've been doing hasn't been working.

Not saying that you need to end things, only that you need to get more realistic about where you stand and what this girl is about. It might lead to something, it might not....but....don't act like such a lemming willing to blindly follow a pretty tail off a cliff.

[jazz_lover]

Don't think she specifically mentioned she wanted passionate guys who go hot and heavy. I wasn't really sure what she meant when she talked about guys who went cold. I interpreted it more as when she feels a guy is losing interest in her or not showing her enough attention she bolts. Should have really asked her to clarify. She might have just had some bad experience with players and might be now ready to meet a nice guy. I guess I will find out. 

Also no indication yet that she blows hot and cold. She has been pretty consistent so far. She has seemed happy to see me and spend time with me. 

There is a heatwave midweek so I suggested a picnic Wednesday afternoon and she agreed and said she would bring picnic food and sun lotion. Will see how that goes. 

And yeah won't get my hopes up and I think this time round will continue dating other women until she brings up exclusivity. 

 

[jazz_lover]

Back to the drawing board. Took her for a picnic this afternoon and more red flags. 

She started complaining that my status was online a lot on Whatsapp and asked who I was talking to. I said friends and family. She didn't believe me and thought I was talking to other girls and said that I needed to make a decision soon and shrink my circle which I took to mean she was already pushing for exclusivity. She also asked what we were doing for Easter which is three weeks away.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Back to the drawing board. Took her for a picnic this afternoon and more red flags. 

She started complaining that my status was online a lot on Whatsapp and asked who I was talking to. I said friends and family. She didn't believe me and thought I was talking to other girls and said that I needed to make a decision soon and shrink my circle 

Did you end it or did she? If she's already cyberstalking, exit.

[Rox22]

53 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

Back to the drawing board. Took her for a picnic this afternoon and more red flags. 

She started complaining that my status was online a lot on Whatsapp and asked who I was talking to. I said friends and family. She didn't believe me and thought I was talking to other girls and said that I needed to make a decision soon and shrink my circle which I took to mean she was already pushing for exclusivity. She also asked what we were doing for Easter which is three weeks away.

 

 

NOT HOT, but definitely Heavy!
Not COOL either. 
Stalking, demanding, expecting... RUN!

Don't ever compromise your ways of how you approach rel'ships at the beginning, esp. if you're not serious, or exclusive.

GL

 

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, jazz_lover said:

She didn't believe me and thought I was talking to other girls and said that I needed to make a decision soon and shrink my circle

She thinks you're a liar and she's already calling the shots. You're not even exclusive so I can't even imagine what you have in store when she takes full possession.

[Kwothe28]

Well, on the plus side, at least this one wants commitment.

On the minus side, yes, extreme jealousy is a big no-no. 

 

[Batya33]

12 hours ago, Andrina said:

She thinks you're a liar and she's already calling the shots. You're not even exclusive so I can't even imagine what you have in store when she takes full possession.

Maybe she's um boiling bunnies for Easter? Good for you OP for dodging this situation early.

[MissCanuck]

15 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She started complaining that my status was online a lot on Whatsapp and asked who I was talking to. I said friends and family. She didn't believe me and thought I was talking to other girls and said that I needed to make a decision soon and shrink my circle 

So you have ended it, correct?

[DarkCh0c0]

18 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

e didn't believe me and thought I was talking to other girls and said that I needed to make a decision soon and shrink my circle which I took to mean she was already pushing for exclusivity

This isn't a push for exclusivity. This is a push to isolate you from your support system and to control you. She thinks you're her possession and she can tell you what to do in your life (and you're not even bf and gf!).

Cut contact and RUN. You can do much better!

[jazz_lover]

Yeah I ended it. Didn't mind her wondering if I was talking to other girls and getting a bit jealous. But felt it was too heavy handed to basically give me a month's notice to get rid of them. 

[Batya33]

You know you described her a bit like a puppy or baby -cute sweet girl.  Then she showed her true colors -confrontational, aggressive, potentially controlling.  Are you attracted to women who act in a cute, sweet, kind of submissive/childlike way? Do you think of the other women you "talk to" as girls -do you have platonic friendships with women you consider your equal? Have you dated, seriously, women you consider your equal? Where "girl" might be an affectionate term when you know the woman well (like my husband calls me honey)but it would never occur to you to think of your SO like a little girl or pet. 

If that's what floats your boat go for it. I know of women who behave in a sweet, cute, submissive way especially around men.  Who are very happy walking behind, not beside, their SO, who want a man to provide for them financially so they don't have to work unless they want to.  There is nothing wrong with a woman who decides to focus more on being cute, sweet, pleasing her man, putting her man on a pedestal, who enjoys being treated like a pet. 

But decide if that is truly what you want. If you do, understand that if that woman is on the younger end she might find her assertive (not aggressive or confrontational -assertive).   voice as she matures, as she is out in the world and your little pet may all of a sudden still look cute but want to be your equal.  I found my assertive voice right around the summer I turned 15 -so, very very young - I hadn't dated much yet - but I know of other women for whom it happened later, during college, during grad school, or after an early 20s marriage where the submissive role all of a sudden didn't suit them.  

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Yeah I ended it. Didn't mind her wondering if I was talking to other girls and getting a bit jealous. But felt it was too heavy handed to basically give me a month's notice to get rid of them. 

Good that you ended it. 

But it's a red flag when someone is monitoring your online status and making baseless accusations. It's a sign of immaturity and insecurity. 

[Buzz86]

I'm a Persian guy and I'm familiar with its culture for sure.

I don't want to generalize anything but it's typical of people here to play hot and cold, especially females; it's a cultural thing. It's a sign of insecurity and immaturity and I suggest moving on. It's been painful for me to come to realize it myself after wasting precious years of my life discovering this secret of eternity! I understand what you say. It's that you want affection, validation, love and your partner won't reciprocate the way you want. It's NOT that you have low self-esteem, but your partner had been an abusive one . I have to deal with such people almost daily here. There's not much wrong in you, all what you have to do is just letting yourself forget about this one and also consulting a psychologist might help! Good luck!

[jazz_lover]

Interesting questions Batya.

I would say the appeal of this girl was she was sweet, a bit silly and seemed really into me and made no effort to hold back. Of course there is a catch and she is controlling and manipulative. 

I do not really know what I am looking for long term.

I have female friends who are mature and grounded and reasonable and rational and calm and centered that I can have thoughtful discussions with and so on. And I have dated women like this before and it hasn't really gone anywhere. I can enjoy their company and the sex but something is missing. 

I seem to be attracted to women who are more emotional and dramatic and definitely extroverted. I wouldn't say I want a girl to be submissive or helpless but I like gentleness and sweetness and warmth as opposed to a girl who is cynical, jaded, bitter, sarcastic, argumentative, cold, aloof, aggressive etc. And I find a bit of vulnerability attractive as it brings out my protective instinct. And because I think too much and am too serious I quite like it if a woman is less introspective and playful and fun while still being responsible and able to be serious when required. 

 

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

18 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

gentleness and sweetness and warmth as opposed to a girl who is cynical, jaded, bitter, sarcastic, argumentative, cold, aloof, aggressive etc. And I find a bit of vulnerability attractive as it brings out my protective instinct. And because I think too much and am too serious I quite like it if a woman is less introspective and playful and fun while still being responsible and able to be serious when required. 

What's with these made up opposite extremes? Why do you go to "cynical, jaded, bitter, sarcastic?" Obviously none of us wants that or the opposite extreme but you need not choose between two extremes.  Playful and fun women also can be smart, forthright, assertive, thoughtful, compassionate empathetic.  I mean not just can be - nothing unusual about someone with all those qualities.  

What do you mean made no effort to hold back -in a few dates? What would holding back look like when there have only been a few dates.  Do you mean she overshared? When someone is appropriately discreet, appropriately open (meaning not oversharing) that means she is not desperate -she is getting to know you over a reasonable period of time and sharing of herself in a reasonable way.  

I totally get you like to be the man - your description of her pet-like and child like qualities didn't sound like you wanted a woman as opposed to a cute little girl.

As far as emotional there's a big difference between someone who shares emotions as appropriate and someone who is "emotional" in the sense of letting it all hang out no matter what's going on - like the person who cries a lot at work or engages in theatrics because her BFF posted photos on social media of a date with someone she'd wanted to date when she was in middle school and it was soooo insensitive.  That's "emotional" but it has little to do with handling and expressing emotions appropriately.

Get clear on what you really do want.  Avoid these diametrically opposite things "I'd rather be with a vegan than some woman who wants me to go hunting with her every weekend."

[boltnrun]

When you say "emotional and dramatic", do you mean being extremely demonstrative and affectionate? Do you believe showing jealousy or possessiveness is a sign of how much a woman is into you? Do you find it endearing or cute when a woman asks you over and over if you really, really like her? Or if she stalks your social media and then asks who this or that woman is? Do you like it when a woman contacts you all day, every day and gets upset when you don't immediately respond?

My ex's ex tried to burn his house down, called incessantly and let the phone ring over 80 times, drove by in the middle of the night and pounded on his door and broke a window trying to get into his house when he didn't answer the door. His current girlfriend actually succeeded in burning down his house and he had to live in a garage office and in the rafters of his dad's business. I never did anything like that, and he accused me of "not really loving" him. He said his ex and his current girlfriend did those things because they just loved him so darned much they lost control of themselves. He found it exciting.

Now I realize my ex's case is extreme. But I'm trying to get a handle on what you mean by "emotional and dramatic".

[Kwothe28]

2 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

I seem to be attracted to women who are more emotional and dramatic

We had OP the other thay on other thread. She also enjoys the drama. You should meet her lol

Anyway, jokes aside, I do kinda get what you are saying. You enjoy sweet affectionate type rather then "cold, calculted, you dont even know what they think" type. However, I will tell you what Ive told to that girl. Trouble is not on them, trouble is in you. You seek drama. So when you even find somebody who is reasonable and rational and who you could maybe have pretty good life with, you still think something is missing. So start with that and change that within yourself. And your choices. Because as you can see, fun affectionate girls right from the go often go right off the rails and even cold after if you dont return them affection.