Boyfriend required to be at home to look foyer grandmother a lot, even though his brother gets carers allowance

[Lilly4]

My boyfriends grandmother is in her late 80s, she is able to cook, do some basic cleaning and can get around okay. But she needs someone to be with her in the house at night in case she has a fall. 
 

Here’s the problem. My boyfriend has lived with his Nan since he was 12 after he was taken from his mums care. His dad and uncle used to live in the home too but his dad moved out years ago, and his uncle moved out last year to go live with his girlfriend who lives a good few hours away. My boyfriend has been helping for years to make sure she is ok. When his uncle moved out, my boyfriend asked him ‘well what am I going to do when I get a full time job’ and his uncle just said ‘I don’t know’. 
 

now, my boyfriend has no problem helping out with looking after his Nan, but I think its really unfair as her own sons no longer help out at all really. His brother moved in not too long after his uncle moved out, so he helps. But he got a full time job at a bar so he works late, so my boyfriend was always expected to be there. 
 

so now all the responsibility of looking after their Nan has been left to both of them, which I don’t think is right at all. They’re both in their early twenties, whilst their dad and uncle have both lived their lives but have just left this all to them. 
 

a few weeks ago my boyfriend overheard his uncle telling his brother that he was going to put the carers allowance in his name, and that they would backdate it for the last few months he has been there, even though my boyfriend was doing the majority during that time! No one has mentioned this to my boyfriend and he only knows because he overheard them speaking on the phone. 
 

his brother just goes out and doesn’t tell or ask him, so if we have plans we have to cancel them so he can stay home and make sure his Nan is ok. But when my boyfriend has plans, he is expected to ask his brother to make sure he isn’t going to work, or going out partying!! Even though, his brother will now be getting paid for being the carer, yet still works at a bar full time, still goes on holiday and still goes out partying a lot of the time. 
 

my boyfriend doesn’t have a problem with looking after his Nan at all, and doesn’t begrudge helping every now and then with whatever she needs. And of course, neither do I. And I am always happy to help. 
 

but I think it is so so unfair that this huge responsibility has been put on both of them whilst her sons can get on with their lives and not worry, his uncles moved out now and his dad works a job where he has to stay all over the country for weeks at a time, so no chance either of them will be helping! 
 

not only that, but I recently got my own place and my boyfriend wants to move in, but right now it’s difficult as he has so much responsibility with his Nan. Not only this, but his brother is now the one who’s being paid, and my boyfriend is the one who’s expected to rearrange his life to take care of his Nan!! I love my boyfriends family and I have never thought or spoken badly of them, but I think this whole situation is just unfair. 
 

I can’t do much, and I can’t make my boyfriend do or say anything so I suppose I just want some advice and whether anyone else thinks I am right or wrong for thinking this way.  

[Wiseman2]

9 minutes ago, Lilly4 said:

My boyfriend has lived with his Nan since he was 12

I think it is so so unfair. I recently got my own place and my boyfriend wants to move in, but right now it’s difficult as he has so much responsibility with his Nan.

How long have you been dating? Do Not let him move in. He doesn't want to move in. That's the issue, not elder care for his grandmother.

He has never wanted to live on his own as a responsible adult. Huge red flag.

As far as their family business, butt out. It doesn't matter what you perceive as "fair " or not.

The fact is your BF would rather live off his grandmother for free than get his own place like an adult.

 If you need/want a roommate, pick someone else.

Edited March 17 by Wiseman2

[Lilly4]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? Do Not let him move in. He doesn't want to move in. That's the issue, not elder care for his grandmother.

He has never wanted to live on his own as a responsible adult. Huge red flag.

As far as their family business, butt out. It doesn't matter what you perceive as "fair " or not.

The fact is your BF would rather live off his grandmother for free than get his own place like an adult.

 If you need/want a roommate, pick someone else.

Did you actually read my post or are you just basing your response off of your stupid assumptions? 

[Lilly4]

Another thing, my boyfriend is really unhappy at the moment due to the situation and wants to move in with me as he tells me all the time. But feels guilty. Just thought I’d clarify in case anyone else would like to make me feel like crap with their assumptions!! 

[Rose Mosse]

You're allowed to think or feel however you want. You're entitled to that.

It's not possible to change a person, let alone a whole family so the only person that leaves is you.

You're emotionally invested in this as I am sure you care about his grandmother and your boyfriend. The decision to fix the situation with his brother or leave to move with you is your boyfriend's choice. It's a bit strange that he's complaining to you about this because telling you all the time that he wants to move in with you and yet finding no solution himself creates frustration, helplessness and angst. He's creating that in your relationship. I hope you realize that. 

I suggest placing some distance between you and this issue and put the idea of living together on hold. 

It's not the right time and I think it could be adding to the frustrations in the household. 

 

Edited March 17 by Rose Mosse

[Lambert]

@Rose Mosse is right. This is not your problem. you can be a support & lend an ear. This needs to be worked out by your bf with his family.

Do not let him move in as a solution to a problem but rather because you're ready for that next level of the relationship (if that's what you want.) Don't assume. Make sure you clarify this and are on the same page before any changes to living situations are made. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

What if he moves in with you but spends most of his nights at his Nan's home looking after her? What if he has to get up in the middle of the night to go tend to her? What if he's fraught with guilt or worry? 

You may not feel like it's fair but unfortunately it's not your decision to make. It's his.

And maybe he feels like since she took him in and raised him and cared for him when he was a child and had nowhere to go, the least he can do is look after her in her old age.

[Andrina]

How long have you two been dating? What does your bf do for a living? Is he in college?

There's a lot you can learn about a person by observing how he handles things. It's good to see he will care for a person he loves. Other things to consider: He's an adult, so consider why he isn't he speaking up for himself about the carer's money. Have you been with him a year or two to see other important things, like how he handles money, if he'll be a financially stable person who will fairly contribute to a household, if he has the same dating/life goals as you. If he can balance all of his priorities in a healthy way.

Do you have a personal deadline of how long you would date him if he's not making moves to take your relationship to the next level?

 

[melancholy123]

Why hasn't someone hired a caretaker for Nan so that your bf doesn't have to b e there all the time?  Perhaps it's time for Nan to be in an old folks home.

[DancingFool]

OP, you can feel however you want, BUT.....

Ultimately this is not about you. It's on your bf to decide how he wants to handle things and it would be best for you to stay out of that completely, regardless of how you feel or see things.

For example, the carer allowance - if your bf doesn't care about that or doesn't want to rock the family boat over that, it's his call. It doesn't matter if you think it's fair or unfair.

If he feels obligated to stay and take care of her, quite frankly that's the person that he is. Take that for what it's worth.

Consider also that if you do talk/suggest/pressure him in any way to step away from this grandmother and then she gets hurt because he did listen to you and step away, that will end your relationship, not to mention leave him feeling guilty for life. Again, do not step into this with your feelings and ideas.

Your bf needs to come to his own decisions on what he wants to do and how because ultimately, he is the one who will have to live with the consequences.

The only thing you are in control of is how you feel about him and your relationship. Is this working for you, how much longer are you willing to wait on things to change, or would you rather move on? That's where your input comes in...to yourself.

What I'm sensing from your post is that you are losing some respect for your bf because, as you perceive it, he won't stand up for himself. Thing that you might be missing is that he doesn't care about money or fairness as you see it and is rather doing it out of love and sense of care and duty - some pretty good qualities, if you ask me. Taking care of the one who took care of him and avoiding petty fights with fam, who don't seem to have much in the way of the "caring gene".

[catfeeder]

If you credit your BF for being adult enough to move in with you, then he's also adult enough to make his own choices and manage his current position in his household as he sees fit.

If he wants to negotiate a fair deal with his brother or uncle, he owns the capacity to do that.