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I need kind advice on this difficult situation


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A couple months ago, the guy I was dating told me “I’m leaving for 7 months to an exchange program to [European Country name here]”. I have family living abroad and I thought to myself “Wow another person I love leaving?”. It’s really hard having family members and people you love living so far away. 

 

A couple weeks after I asked him if we were boyfriend and girlfriend, because we were acting like a couple, I met his parents, I met his friends, they all knew my name. We were seeing each other very frequently. And I felt a deep connection with him, like we have deep feelings for one another. And I asked him about the 7 months that he was going to be away. And he told me he doesn’t believe in labels, and that we should do our separate lives when he’s away. I remember crying a bit when he told me that, but then we agreed to be boyfriend and girlfriend. And I decided to “forget” about the conversation we had about him going away and our relationship when that time comes. 

 

Time passed and we were a couple. My grandfather passed away from cancer at the beginning of February and his friends threw a surprise farewell party for my boyfriend - barely a week after my granddad died. When my boyfriend arrived it’s like he didn’t talk to me. He ignored me for his friends. They started talking about February 14th (valentines day) and that on that day it was going to be his friends birthday and I don’t know what else he had to do that day. I should mention it was the day before he’d leave, too. So, Valentine’s Day, and the day after he’d leave. So I told him “we should do something on Valentine’s Day, it’s our special day!”. And he told me “I have to do x and y and z -I don’t remember exactly the things he had to do- on Valentine’s Day, so we should do something the day before because I can’t that day”. 

 

I started crying because I didn’t feel like a priority to him. I didn’t feel like I was his number one priority. And then I started crying and I told him “you didn’t even speak to me, you were with your friends and ignored me. Also, there are a lot of things going on in my life, I’m sorry I’m crying like this, I really am. I don’t want to cry but a lot has happened lately”. He knows that my sister, aunt, uncle and cousins live abroad, and it’s hard for me because I miss them. And also him going away and the passing of my granddad wasn’t a great mix for the occasion. 

 

I left early crying. And the day after, I went out with a friend of mine and I drank alcohol. I drank like 2 or 3 beers and when my dad came and picked me up, he could smell the alcohol and asked me if I drank to which I said “no”. He could sense that I was lying and he got really angry. My parents don’t want me to drink alcohol even though I’m 24 years old - don’t comment “move out”, I know I should do that, and I will, and I know now. I know this is uncommon -. I once came back home really drunk - almost passed out - and since then they don’t want me to drink. 

 

They grounded me - again, I know I have to move out, so don’t comment that - and prohibited me from going out of my house, including my boyfriends house. Three days before he left they didn’t let me go to my boyfriends house and eat dinner. My boyfriend got really pissed at me, because according to him this was “ridiculous”. He also said that it’s three days before he leaves, that this is cruel. I agreed. And he told me that I don’t really care about the relationship because if I cared enough I would’ve scaped my house to see him. But he doesn’t understand how harsh my parents are when they are firm on something. 

 

I had to explain to him that they are strict and that if I did that, it would be way worse. He still couldn’t believe how I just couldn’t escape my house to see him because according to him, relationships are all about sacrificing for the other person. And I didn’t sacrifice nothing. 

 

He knows how my parents are. They don’t let me sleep over at his house, and they don’t want him to sleep over at mine. When I drink alcohol with him I’m afraid of going back home because I’m afraid they’ll punish me, and he could see that, and he even told me that. One time, the condom broke, and we had to leave my house at 2am to buy the pill. My mother started texting me saying “where are you going?” And I had to tell her the truth. She started insulting me over the phone and I had to tell him. And he couldn’t believe how controlling my mother was. There are more things like this, that show how controlling my parents can be. 

 

And so in this situation I had to explain to him that my mother is controlling and sometimes talks *** to me even when I don’t deserve it. And it’s not like she does it all the time, but over time it turns the relationship sour. I didn’t tell him the atrocities my mom tells me when she’s mad, because it was a lot. I didn’t want him to feel sorry for me. And then he asked me “do they mistreat you? I really love you but I didn’t know that you wanted to leave the house/situation. I always brought it up to you but you would just say ‘it’s nothing, that’s how just they are’ and leave it behind.”. That because basically I didn’t want him to know how my mother really is. But now he knows. And he said “oh so I imagined something like this happened to your sister so that’s why in part she left the country”. And I was like, yes. 

 

The next day he decided to come to my house - my parents wouldn’t let me go out but they did let me have people come over, nonsense, I know but whatever - so he came home. He said something along the lines of “it really hurts my feelings that you don’t want to see me before I leave. You wouldn’t even sacrifice a little bit”. And I explained to him again everything. We agreed to continue as a couple, but, on his words, “he won’t forget what happened and what I chose”. And he was like “you need to make a plan and leave [the house]. Don’t sit still in this situation. I’m here to support you”. 

 

The day before he left (valentines day), I had to beg and implore my dad to go see my boyfriend. I told him, crying, “it’s Valentine’s Day + he’s leaving tomorrow!” So they let me go but just for 2 hours. I went to his house for two hours and it was amazing and I was really happy. We could have sex (hehe) and we did a proper goodbye. I told him that my parent’s anger was subsiding, so that’s why they let me come over. 

 

The day after, he left. We texted a couple days after, but then he became colder and colder. I asked him if I did something wrong and he told me “no you didn’t do anything wrong, I’m not mad, I’m just really busy”. We did a video call and he asked me to take a break from the relationship because he was really far away and busy and he just couldn’t sustain a relationship like this. I asked him if he was breaking up with me and he told me “breaking up its a lot”. I told him that I loved him but he didn’t say it back. We both cried because we talked about a lot of things and subjects and stuff. And he told me he really misses me and he feels sorry for not being able to give me the attention I deserved. I asked him If he had met someone and he told me no. Like, he didn’t fall in love with someone else. 

 

To this day, he likes my posts on Instagram, my stories too sometimes. I like his stories too. The other day he replied to a story I posted but we don’t talk anymore like before and he doesn’t send me memes or anything anymore. I remember asking him on the video call “and what about your friends?” And he was like “they aren’t my friends anymore until I return, that’s how this works. I’m really far away”. He also said on the video call that he doesn’t believe in labels, again, and I was like “but I do!”. We talked about my whole parent situation again and he was like “we already talked about this. That situation didn’t help all of this either. It didn’t help”. And he stood again with his position of “it wasn’t important enough for you to see me before I left”. And I replied “I don’t agree with you on that. It’s not like that, it’s not like what you are saying”. I told him that the other day my mother bullied me really bad and he asked me to tell him what she said to me, but I was embarrassed. I told him “we’ll talk about this another time. It’s really embarrassing for me to tell you the nasty things she said to me”. 

 

When we finished the video call I felt peace. I told him that I wanted him to be happy. I was like, you do you. And I love you.  We talked about a lot of things. Good and bad things. Pretty and nasty things. We communicated. And now, he likes my posts and stories and I don’t know what to think about it. I really do feel a lot of things for him. On the video call I told him that, that I had strong feelings for him, and he started crying. I don’t know why he cried but it was like we were opening our hearts to each other.

 

Now I really miss him and this situation sucks. My sister came to visit, but in a few days she’s leaving, and I’m going to feel empty and sad and depressed again, and I don’t want that. I’m going to feel alone and I hate it. This is a rough patch on my life. I feel like everything is crumbling down. With everything that happened and everything I’ve been through, I need kind advice. 

I really don’t know what he thinks. I remember him telling me he felt he was dating a “little girl” because of my parent’s punishment. And he was like “all of this happens right before I leave? Why? If this had happened like, I don’t know, two months ago, well, we just don’t see each other for a couple of days, but just now??”

 

I feel guilty but I don’t know why. And I don’t know what to think about anything. I know I’m not guilty but I feel guilty. 

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I remember your other thread. I don’t think he’s that into you and he didn’t ever intend for this to last past his move. He’s not interested. You’ve just been in denial for many months.

Edited by Rose Mosse
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13 minutes ago, were_cool said:

I asked him about the 7 months that he was going to be away. And he told me he doesn’t believe in labels, and that we should do our separate lives when he’s away. My parents don’t want me to drink alcohol even though I’m 24 years old. They grounded me

We could have sex (hehe) and we did a proper goodbye.

I remember him telling me he felt he was dating a “little girl” because of my parent’s punishment.

Sorry this is happening. Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage or expected to live at home until you are married in your culture/country?

This man was never in with both feet from day one and was crystal clear about that and the relationship had a definitive end-date.

 The bigger problem is your parents treating you like a 14 year old child rather than a grown woman.

 Do you work? What is the holdup with moving out?

 

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He's not into you. Sorry.

And you need to set boundaries with your parents. They can't ground you when you're 24. You set the rules here and idc under what roof you live.

So, he really is not into you. Block him and move on. Love yourself enough to follow your worth, and speak up to your parents.

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you work? What is the holdup with moving out?

I'd like to know too^ 

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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25 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

I remember your other thread. I don’t think he’s that into you and he didn’t ever intend for this to last past his move. He’s not interested. You’ve just been in denial for many months.

The thing is that I feel he really cares for me and I do feel he loves me. This is the first guy I can tell you I feel it’s genuine. He is really interested in me but I think his personality is like, cold? I don’t know but he was always there for me and I really feel he has deep emotions for me. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s a feeling. He is a really good person too. Funny and a nice person you know you can count on. He worried about me every time he saw me really sad and always wanted to help me get through tough times. When I left the farewell party crying he texted me very worried about me and wanted to make sure I was okay, asked me what were my thoughts about his friends, if he could do anything to make me feel better. Even after he asked for the break he texted me the next two days asking me how I was doing and if there was anything he could do and that he loves me. It’s really confusing because I do feel he cares deeply. 

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21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Are you scheduled for an arranged marriage or expected to live at home until you are married in your culture/country?

This man was never in with both feet from day one and was crystal clear about that and the relationship had a definitive end-date.

 The bigger problem is your parents treating you like a 14 year old child rather than a grown woman.

 Do you work? What is the holdup with moving out?

 

I’m currently looking for a job to support myself and gather money and move out. No, where I live there are no rules of marriage like that, my parents are just very overprotective and don’t want me to do things that are harmful - like drinking. They were that way with my sister too (overprotective) and that is one of the many reasons she moved away - not the ONLY reason. Our parents love us but they can be very overbearing. I do get that they pay for everything and while I live under their roof it’s their rules. So that’s why I’m looking for ways to become financially independent. Thanks your your reply 🙂 I really feel he cares for me though, and that I ruined everything. I don’t know why. 

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25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

This man was never in with both feet from day one and was crystal clear about that and the relationship had a definitive end-date.

I feel guilty for drinking and not thinking that my parents would get mad, I mean of course they would get mad at me for drinking. I should’ve thought better before drinking. Maybe that’s why I feel guilty - because it was my choice and the consequences led to everything that happened. I’m just really sorry that it happened right before he left, I feel disappointed in myself 😞 

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5 minutes ago, were_cool said:

The thing is that I feel he really cares for me and I do feel he loves me. This is the first guy I can tell you I feel it’s genuine. He is really interested in me but I think his personality is like, cold? I don’t know but he was always there for me and I really feel he has deep emotions for me. I don’t know how to explain it but it’s a feeling. He is a really good person too. Funny and a nice person you know you can count on. He worried about me every time he saw me really sad and always wanted to help me get through tough times. When I left the farewell party crying he texted me very worried about me and wanted to make sure I was okay, asked me what were my thoughts about his friends, if he could do anything to make me feel better. Even after he asked for the break he texted me the next two days asking me how I was doing and if there was anything he could do and that he loves me. It’s really confusing because I do feel he cares deeply. 

That’s different from being in love with someone. He is not interested in being with you. Caring is not the same. It seems there were references to being like a little sister or looking out for you and for him, dating you in his words was like dating a “little girl”. 

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8 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

That’s different from being in love with someone. He is not interested in being with you. Caring is not the same. It seems there were references to being like a little sister or looking out for you and for him, dating you in his words was like dating a “little girl”. 

I’m sad because three days before he left he invited me to dinner to his house and I had to say no because I was grounded. And it’s honestly not my fault but my parent’s decision. And I felt powerless on that situation. Also, I’m planning on moving out soon, but, he wasn’t very understanding of my situation. I mean maybe if he really really loved me he would be by my side and not leave me alone like he is doing now. I mean, he would still be with me and say he wants to be with me even though this is my life right now. Do you know what I mean? Like, fight for me, man!! 

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2 minutes ago, were_cool said:

I’m sad because three days before he left he invited me to dinner to his house and I had to say no because I was grounded. And it’s honestly not my fault but my parent’s decision. And I felt powerless on that situation. Also, I’m planning on moving out soon, but, he wasn’t very understanding of my situation. I mean maybe if he really really loved me he would be by my side and not leave me alone like he is doing now. I mean, he would still be with me and say he wants to be with me even though this is my life right now. Do you know what I mean? Like, fight for me, man!! 

I hear you but if you were really quite well-matched in the first place there would be no struggle. The mutual interest would be there. I’d focus on financial independence and have your own place. You may change radically after discovering your wings. This man is very small piece of your past or what you used to be. Move on. 

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I agree with all the comments above; I’m so sorry to say it but he was being very very clear about where he stands. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you and was direct about it. He is a young man having an experience over seas and wants to be able to commit to that experience without being connected to a relationship back home.

It isn’t the the doesn’t believe in labels, because if he really wanted to be with someone, that label would be important to him. What he is really saying is that he is just not interested in anything serious with you and so doesn’t want to commit to assigning labels, particularly any that would restrict him. 

i think the writing is on the wall in bright red - he isn’t wanting a relationship with you and wants to focus on his exchange experience, as he should at this young age. And, I think you need to display independence and maturity with your parents. Have a serious chat with them about boundaries but obviously be respectful. It may be that they think you are not capable because you do not behave in a self sufficient and mature way in their eyes.

Sorry you are having a tough time and for the loss of your grandfather. I hope the best for you.

Edited by LotusBlack
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Oh, girl. 

This guy is not into you the way you are into him. It is going to best to let him go, and work on establishing yourself as an independent adult away from your parents. 

You deserve a fuller life and a guy who is proud to make you his official girlfriend. This boy just isn't him. 

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Here's the best thing you can do:

Immediately get a job, any job and keep looking for a job in your area of education.

Do not go out drinking, fibbing about it and expecting parents to chauffer you around like a child.

Go to a clinic/physician and get STD testing and appropriate contraception.

There's no reason a grown woman has to sneak out at 2am and "explain"  emergency contraception to her mother.

Don't hook up with men who tell you upfront they are leaving in xyz months and do not see you as a GF.

Ask yourself why your parents are financing your unusually immature behavior such as drinking and unprotected sex? Rebelling against your parents like a teen is part of the reason they can not trust you.

When you act like a responsible young woman, you'll get treated like one. 

 

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Why would you be attracted to someone with a "cold personality?" He's not the last man on earth. It sounds like you two had only dated a few months before he sprung it on you that he's leaving. Do you really think he didn't know that when you two met? But if he'd told you then, you might not have chosen to date him. He got what he wanted. A fling before he left. That's what it looks like from the outside looking in.

Sounds like he only agreed to bf/gf because of your crying. Probably wants to avoid drama and then when he's thousands of miles away, he can just block and delete and not deal with the drama of you crying again.

Just about every person has some good traits, but you crying that you didn't feel like a priority and him berating you about what he thinks of as your screwups should be dealbreakers. Your self esteem is lacking since you accept his substandard behavior. You're infatuation with him is clouding your judgement that he cares for you in the way you deserve. Perhaps the other guys you dated were worse than him, but that doesn't mean you're not settling. He is not the pinnacle of who a bf should be. 

You likely need more dating experiences to know this, and learn more about yourself and who is a good partner.

I'm giving you tough love so that you'll wake up and do what's right for yourself. I don't know why you will be depressed alone. You didn't have a bf like, 4 months ago, did you? Do you like your own company? Do you engage in fun solo activities? Do you have a healthy balance of time with friends, family, hobbies, a career/education? How do you spend time BESIDES being in a romance? Most of the time, people have to build a happy solo life first to eventually have a successful romantic relationship. And then another will want to share your happiness. But if you're relying on a partner to make you happy, it's the wrong way to go about living a good life.

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On 3/16/2022 at 3:55 PM, were_cool said:

I mean, he would still be with me and say he wants to be with me even though this is my life right now. Do you know what I mean? Like, fight for me, man!! 

What does fighting for you mean?

Fighting your parents is not his job, it's yours, and he doesn't see you doing that.

He told you up front that he was leaving, and without a promise of sustaining a LDR, so it's no surprise that he's done exactly what he said.

Meanwhile, he sees you living in a child role without having gained the means to move yourself beyond that, and he's not impressed. 

So what kind of fight would you expect him to pursue "for you" when YOU have never stepped up to become independent on your own behalf?

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I agree with above.

I feel he may feel a little 'off' with your living situation & life at this time.

You can NOT move forward with your life until you can actually do so!

He, meanwhile has moved on now.  He will be away over half a year and I feel he's distanced himself from you.

So, is best to focus on yourself now... get work, hang with your friends and look towards YOUR future and not expect much from him anymore. ( as I doubt you will get what you want/need out of this..).

 

 

Edited by SooSad33
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