How can i break up with my long time relationship?

gerdahagge · March 16

My partner and I met 5,5 years ago. He fell in love with me right away, while i wasnt sure, since i still had feelings for my ex. I also met my ex for a while in the beginning, and my partner was very very sad about this. I knew from the start that i dont want a man who has children. But after a long hunting from his side i finally fell in love with him and he begged me to move in with him and his 2 children who were 10 and 13 years old at the time. They hated me from day 1, since they felt that i stold their daddy away from them. He was so much in love so he did everything for me and they felt that they were put aside for a few years. I felt that they were very spoilt so i didnt like them either.

After one year the youngest one moved to his mother, while the daughter still lived with us every second week. She loves her dad more than her mother, even though she hated me.

After lots of fights between us, since my partner felt very bad and got frustrated to give his love and attention between the children and me all the time. He never felt that he was enough for all of us. So he got mean towards me. He used physical and psychologial abuse, because he got so angry with me, when i told him how spoilt the children are and so on.

His anger against me got worse and worse so i moved out from the house and found my own flat a year ago. I was afraid to move out from him, so i still lived with him but felt secure to have my own place in case he threw my out when he is angry, like he did many times.

So finally after a fight when he told me to get out of his life, i moved to my appartment in November last year. His daughter who is now 19 is happier than ever to have her father by herself, so she told him that she will not accept me to move back again.

Well, we still see eachother, but i feel that his love is gone more and more. Every word i say, he attacks me. So i feel that all the bad things i did like 5 years ago, i have to pay for now. We both feel bad in the relationship and we dont want to be alone, so thats why we dont leave eachother. I see no hope or future for us anymore. He doesnt like to travel anymore, not to plan our future....he is just obsessed with his children, who are grown up now. His son still doesnt live with him and he has a few diagnosis like OCD and paranoia. The girl has eating disorders, so i dont know why they both are having problems. I guess my partner feels that he doesnt want to priorities me ever again, but his children goes first. And since i have borderline tendencies, i want to come FIRST!

I dont know how to get the force to get out of this relationship. What shall i do? I always think....only one more weeken or only one more day, only one more trip....!!! I tried several times to have a break for 1-3 weeks, but it hurts too much, so we get in tough again.

Anyone out there, how shall i do and think to get the strenght??

Wiseman2 · March 16

43 minutes ago, gerdahagge said:

i moved to my appartment in November last year.

Good you moved out. All you need to do is stop seeing him. Moving out is the end of the relationship, not a variation of it.

Let go. Move forward. End it. Block him. Stop beating each other up about the past.

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting compatible interested men for a low-key coffee.

gerdahagge · March 16

I know you are right. Its just so hard when you love someone. I was even seeing my ex for 1 month just a short while ago, when we didnt talk for 1 month, but i missed him and i only love him. I so much want him to want us again as much as he did before.

But i guess his love is gone, since he blames me for everything that has happend and all that is happening now. I want to see a councelor togheter, but he is not interested, since he thinks that he is not the problem.

What is the best way to break up after such a long time?

I kind of want him to regret it....is it to suddenly ghost him and dissapear? Or should i talk to him and give him a last chance and after that leave?

smackie9 · March 16

No discussion, just find a place, then tell him it's over and move out.

There is no need to "punish" him or make him see anything...just end it, and move on.

Wiseman2 · March 16

5 hours ago, gerdahagge said:

His anger against me got worse and worse so i moved out from the house and found my own flat a year ago. he threw my out when he is angry, like he did many times.

He's abusive. Stop seeing him.

DarkCh0c0 · March 16

You deserve true love. You need to love yourself enough to understand that you need to cut full contact with this toxic man. He is abusive and didn't do you right. He even threw you out. That's not what a reliable, consistent, and caring partner does.

You've come a long way honestly. Close that chapter, block him everywhere, cut contact, and start a healing journey. You won't be able to find healthy love if you engage in self destructive patterns and go back to an abuser. You need to learn how to love yourself and be happy by yourself. You need you and good friends/family. So, don't drag yourself down any further. Whenever the emotions come up and you are tempted to contact him, list down all the abuse and mean things he's said to you on a piece of paper. That alone will discourage you from talking to him. And remember, he likes doing it. He likes destroying your self esteem and using you as a punching bag. He gets a thrill from it and from controlling you.

Henceforth, let your mind lead the way, and the heart/emotions not over rule. Be proud. You've come along way, and it'll be worth it. You deserve love and peace. So give that to yourself the right way.

Edited March 16 by DarkCh0c0

Rose Mosse · March 16

You have a place of your own and have moved back last Nov so just let him know you’re moving on and wish to have no contact with him going forward. That’s it.

End the chapter and move on with your life. Do deal with any borderline issues you have with your doctor or psychologist.

SooSad33 · March 21

On 3/16/2022 at 5:56 AM, gerdahagge said:

Well, we still see each other, but i feel that his love is gone more and more. Every word i say, he attacks me. So i feel that all the bad things i did like 5 years ago, i have to pay for now. We both feel bad in the relationship and we dont want to be alone, so thats why we dont leave each other. I see no hope or future for us anymore.

Honestly, why would you even think anything with him is good? It's not.

You admit here the only reason you two are sticking around is because you don't want to be alone? Do you have friends/family near by?

I feel YOU have been affected in many ways, BUT will tolerate it because you're too needy & lost your self esteem. ( also possibly 'trauma bonding' - a deep emotional attachment that develops in a relationship characterized by abuse that's emotional, physical, or both.)

Why stick around anyone who is abusive? You've got your own place - go there!

You NEED to be strong here. You need to get away from this man who, as you say, does not 'love'.

Inside, you know this is no good on you. Then walk away & stay away. End it all now-for good!

Once you are away for a while, you will see how you DO deserve better. You will start to feel some relief & better about yourself. You just need to pull away totally and stop falling back.

No one deserves to be treated like crap. You know this.