My boyfriend has doubts, but its probably due to relationship anxiety/attachment issues

[Darwin22]

Hi guys,

So about a month ago my boyfriend (23M) was in tears and told me  (23F) he didn't know if he was in love with me anymore. We had just had our 1 year anniversary. He said that he had been feeling these negative feelings for a month and that he loved me dearly and really wanted this to work, but he didn't know how. We took a break for a week, and he immediately noticed he missed me and that that week apart felt really wrong. When we saw each other again he felt like the doubts were completely gone. Since then, three weeks have passed and we had a really great time (or so I thought). Last weekend we had a chat and I asked him to what degree the doubts were gone. He said they weren't gone 100% , but that he had been feeling good about us way more than feeling bad the past three weeks. However, we were both too hopeful in the beginning that these doubts would just magically disappear, which is obviously naïve. He is going to seek help for this because he realises he might have some type of relationship anxiety or attachment issues (his previous girlfirend cheated on him, and he notices that he generally is the type that has this fleeing behaviour when things get more serious). I think I need to see it more positively due to the fact that the previous three weeks were a lot better than before, but I can't help but feel anxious about it. He really wants this to work, but he is scared that he can't get rid of these thoughts. And since mental health care here has long waiting lists, he probably can't talk to someone for at least a month. So my question is, do you guys have any experience with these type of issues, and do you have any advice as how to work on it until he starts going to a psychologist for this? Thank you so much!

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, Darwin22 said:

, we were both too hopeful in the beginning that these doubts would just magically disappear, which is obviously naïve. 

Sorry this is happening. Pull back and reflect if you want an on/off relationship with someone who is confused.

He may be too young, immature or randy to settle down in an exclusive relationship. 

If he claims he has mental health problems, let him handle it.

Focus on yourself and your needs. Make sure he doesn't treat you like a yo-yo while he sits back,,plays the field and takes his time "deciding" about you.

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn’t necessarily assume it’s a mental health issue.

Sometimes relationships just run their course and we realize it’s not a match. I have a feeling that’s what is happening with him but he doesn’t want to hurt you so he’s hanging on…for now. But in my experience, this sort of thing usually is the beginning of the end. 

Don’t put yourself on hold for someone who is so unsure about you.

[Batya33]

I've been in your boyfriend's shoes.  I'm sorry but it doesn't matter why.  Let him work that out as he wishes.  What matters is he is so unsure it makes him realize he doesn't know if he wants to be with you -it rocks him to the core and the core of your relationship. Of course he missed you after a week.  But it often doesn't mean those deep doubts are resolved.  Only he can work through that unless it's something you did or didn't do that you can control and perhaps change (you know something like how you two communicate or interact).  But it's not that.  He simply is not feeling the connection anymore or the commitment.  It's so hard and it happens. 

He can't get rid of the thoughts.  He shouldn't try.  You can't force reviving a spark if it can't be revived (and I assume you two had chemistry and a spark and passion in the beginning and until he felt unsure).  He needs to be in a place where he knows that any doubts are fleeting, resolvable, or resolvable because they require a conversation about something between you two that is not working.  It's a terrible feeling when you doubt the foundation of the relationship.  And there's anxiety that any little thing can shake it again.  It's not  a way to be together.  I have had fleeting doubts, I have had concerns, I have had worries especially after a stressful time, a frustrating time.  But I have security in our love and commitment.  I have security that the spark might fade or even seem absent when I'm really upset but it always returns.  I don't worry that it means I don't love or want to be with him.  I don't worry that it means it's over. 

Some people have blissful love and never have even a fleeting doubt.  That's good too but it's not essential.  We're human. But the shaking you to the core doubts -those don't resolve unless the person wants to do the work on his own or her own to resolve -and if the person realizes -in a lasting way -why it happened, why he feels better about things, why he's secure that now he's committed and that was just a bad period that passed. 

Often that takes a long time and requires a long time away so he or she doesn't drive his partner batty.

Don't go down the path of playing analyst or therapist - let him go.  Tell him he can come back if and when he knows that he wants to be with you, he doesn't want to share his life with anyone but you, he doesn't have the dream of someone else.

My ex fiancee and I got back together nearly 8 years later. I ended things then wanted him back a month later because I missed him. I had doubts too.  He told me "no because it will be romantic for a short time then we'll have the same "issues" -my doubts.  He was right. And if we had done the back and forth like that we wouldn't be married now since there would have been too much baggage/bad blood.  Let him go.  I'm so sorry. 

[smackie9]

All it is, is that the honeymoon phase is over and those feelings of infatuation are gone. Some people end up continuing with deep love, and some get feelings of nothing. I believe he at that point where there is only attachment left. He's confused as to what is happening which yes would cause anxiety/self doubt...well it's quite normal. Whatever you two figure out, I wish you the best. 

[DancingFool]

OP, you've been in a committed relationship with him for a year, so no, he doesn't have commitment issues as such. He can commit and has been committed to you.

What is happening is actually quite normal for relationships - after a certain time you evaluate how you feel and whether you wish to continue or not. He is at the "not continue" place, which is fine. What is not so fine is that you are both really young and are making this break up way way more difficult and dramatic than it needs to be.

Harsh reality is that he is just not that into you and it really is that simple. You are not his "the one". That doesn't make him damaged, broken, in need of therapy, etc. This is just normal stuff in life. Learning how to let go gracefully is a critical life skill. Let him go and heal. He is also not your one. Your one will not need to go to therapy in order to convince himself to stay with you - are you seeing how messed up that is? I hope so. Step back, cool down and think.

[Andrina]

It doesn't really matter what reason a partner could give me after a year of knowing me--if he wasn't 100 percent confident in continuing on with me, I'd be out of there.

IMO, if a person voiced what he said to you, to me, he has a chance of losing me forever.

Taking a break from me, like I was toxic fumes he needed space from, would also be another cause for possibly losing me forever.

A person who risks losing me forever is not my forever person.

Who wants to walk on eggshells, wondering if the loss of that loving feel will ever rise and be premium, and if it is, will history repeat itself and it dwindles once again?

As for me, I'd rather risk my heart on someone new. Take care.

[SooSad33]

I have a feeling it'll faulter again.

He will pull away again - because the reason you two split up has not been dealt with... Nothing's changed in 3 wks apart.

A couple can usually succeed IF they deal with the issue's involved and work through them, making improvements.  You two haven't done this yet.

Not sure how long he was apart from his ex before you came along?  But is possible, he's now deeply affected by all of that still 😕 .

I know it can be hard, but may be best to consider not going on like this anymore- so HE can focus on himself and get into therapy to work through his issues.  I have a feeling he is NOT ready to be involved.  Not at this time.

 

[reinventmyself]

I've ended relationships with men that I felt conflicted about.  But there was that 10,20,50% that caused me to second guess myself and run back.  That combined with immaturity and a lack of empathy for what I put them through.  Now, more mature I'd be clear on my decision, despite the pull to run back and ride out the discomfort.  It's selfish and sometimes cruel to waste someone's time.  Beside, if he really cared he wouldn't risk losing you to begin with.