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30 minutes ago, ABrick said:

Maybe because I have self-esteem issues, or because I feel like some one else might take these as appropriate jokes, and I don’t because of the past and not being able to let go of it, and it makes feel weak. I wonder if another version of myself before all this happening would have disapproved but not been so bothered and taken it with a grain of salt. 
He always says he’s trustworthy and I can trust him any time. That he hasn’t done anything in two years, and it’s all in the past, and I’m the one keeping us stuck there. If that’s true, then I’m wrong?

he is supposed to move his stuff in at the end of March. 

I think in the end you'll have to make a decision for yourself, regardless of what he's doing, has done in the past, would ever do in the future.

When you cease to factor in unreliable or untrustworthy people in your life, their voice or actions have no more bearing on how you choose to live.

You'll naturally move apart in different directions and choose to live differently. They become an example of what not to do, how not to live because their existence is an antithesis of how you wish to savour and enjoy the rest of your life. 

I don't know if this has anything to do with self-esteem or whether it is irreconcilable differences in general. I would say that it does require some instinct or knowledge that you are completely different. Even the unknown is better than the reality you live in.

 

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13 hours ago, ABrick said:

I do have trust issues.

Staying involved with someone who has proven to be un-trust-worthy is not the way to overcome trust issues. Just the opposite.

I'd view this less as a question of whether I can learn to trust someone who I already know that I can't trust, and instead, I'd make it a quality of life question, "Is policing someone else the way I want to live MY life?"

Decide when you are exhausted enough to question WHY you believe that he is worth this.

Hopefully you can answer that question sooner rather than later.

(HINT: HE IS NOT WORTH THIS.)

 

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10 hours ago, ABrick said:

Thank you all for your responses. It helps to hear other peoples perspectives. I am in a very dark place right now and often feel lonely. 

Keep posting if it helps.

Try focusing on what you need to live well. Keep moving towards that even if it means losing individuals close to you. 

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I say this whole thing is a sad mess 😕 .

You are affected by his & their behaviour.

YOU deserve respect and a man who will not go flirting around & cheat etc.

Your trust is damaged and I don't see this getting any better for you, sorry. 😕 

At a work place or anywhere... NO flirting should be done.

IF a man is truly into his partner, it should be her ONLY.  In ways, I feel he's got some issue's going on as to why does he do this at all?  Some people strive or seek attention elsewhere to 'feel good about themselves'. This shows a real lack of respect towards you & your relationship.

Is it maybe time to consider walking away from this? Especially now that YOU are so unsure about him... Will do you no good always so anxious on what may come next.

 

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On 3/17/2022 at 4:08 PM, ABrick said:

I do love him very much and have a not giving up mentality.

No, girl. You have a doormat mentality. 

Giving up is the correct mentality when someone has shown you time and again and again that they are not worthy of you and don't respect you. 

On 3/17/2022 at 4:55 PM, ABrick said:

He always says he’s trustworthy and I can trust him any time.

A lot of hot air coming from a serial cheat. Who cares what he says? His behaviour gives him away. 

On 3/17/2022 at 4:55 PM, ABrick said:

I feel like some one else might take these as appropriate jokes

Maybe, if they were made by someone who hasn't also cheated several times with many different people. But that isn't the case here. He's given you plenty of reasons to not brush off these kinds of "jokes."

On 3/17/2022 at 4:32 PM, ABrick said:

I can’t trust him with anything and I will always be wondering.

Exactly. You can't and shouldn't trust him, and you will always be wondering. That's what happens when we choose to stay with someone who has cheated multiple times. The trust is gone, and rightly so. 

On 3/17/2022 at 4:55 PM, ABrick said:

he is supposed to move his stuff in at the end of March. 

Yikes, OP. You will almost surely come to regret that. This isn't a relationship with a strong enough foundation to support a future. I would strongly urge you to reconsider all of this. This guy is a dog, and you know it. 

 

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On 3/15/2022 at 2:58 PM, ABrick said:

I get to a part in the convo where she says she had a work husband at her last job that doesn’t want her to cheat. He then says “my real life gf has forbidden me from taking a work wife,

They are BOTH declaring what their "SO" expects of them (although, she claims he's just a work husband, not a SO). What matters is how YOUR SO responded (However, you can't ignore her statement). There is nothing stopping her from crossing the line. HE, well... the above comment says it all for me.

On 3/15/2022 at 2:58 PM, ABrick said:

that specific thing bothered me, and I feel like he set a tone for their entire work relationship and the joke will come back up. And how am I going to feel sending him off on business trips with her knowing the company likes to go the bar after? Is the thrupple thing gonna come up then and be taken further? 

If he works for a company that has no issues spending money on dinners and drinks, after work - trust me, you're not wrong for worrying. AND, if they're the only two going on this trip - well, then...
I've been on multiple business trips.... AND, there is alcohol involved. Hotels too, right?

Short of you following him on his trip and seeing if he "trips up" (pardon the pun), HOW MANY more mistakes are you willing to allow? Do you need to catch him in the act to make a decision?

DO NOT LET HIM MOVE IN. And DO NOT let him know you went through his phone. DO NOT give him the POWER to throw it on you, or to gaslight you more than he already does. This gives him the excuse to walk away from you. YOU need to do the walking away, KEEPING THE POWER. I think you have enough doubts, fears, etc to express to him why you want to end it, w/out bringing up the "snooping" AND, let go of the guilt. Should ppl go through their SO w/out their phones, period. NO, but it's not your fault the phone was there and you were already suspicious of his actions. MANY women would be thankful to fall onto info like that. Most of the time, we're left trusting our instincts, or worse -ignoring them completely, until down the road they do something that makes us go "Oh, so that's what that feeling was months ago?"

You have your answers, and you know what you need to do. STOP making excuses as to why should stay. Continue therapy. Focus on your mental health and overall well-being. Enjoy your home, and hold out for that guy who treats you right. Also, being single/alone is a lot less lonelier than being w/this guy.

Keep us posted here.
GL

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22 hours ago, Rox22 said:

HOW MANY more mistakes are you willing to allow?

They are not "mistakes". He deliberately chose to engage in cheating behaviors.

A mistake is adding salt to a recipe when you were supposed to add sugar because you got the containers mixed up.  A mistake is something you do unintentionally. This guy chooses to lie and cheat and deceive.

OP, what would it take for you to finally leave him? If you called his hotel room and a woman answered? Him bringing a woman to your apartment for fun and games?

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44 minutes ago, Rox22 said:

@boltnrunNot what I meant, poor choice of words... busy typing my thoughts and didn't notice. 🙂

No worries. I just find many people use the word "mistake" when they are trying to justify staying in a relationship with a cheater. They want to believe the cheating was a "mistake" so they can convince themselves their partner won't do it again. But this guy is a serial cheater. No redeeming qualities that I can see.

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On 3/19/2022 at 12:09 AM, ABrick said:

Thank you all for your responses. It helps to hear other peoples perspectives. I am in a very dark place right now and often feel lonely. 

You can either stagnate in that place, or you can trust that there's light to be enjoyed if you'll walk away from this guy toward higher ground.

Breakups never feel 'good,' but they're part of the growing pains we suffer to grow a consciousness and a confidence that won't tolerate mistreatment--ever again.

It's not that healthy people never encounter mistreatment, it's that we don't view it as some random hand of bad luck that we're stuck dealing with. We opt to learn life skills and a resilience to exit lousy relationships to eventually thrive solo. This process teaches us to hone better screening abilities that can spot red flags. We learn the strength to keep ditching bad matches as NOT preferable to being alone. 

Valuing your Self is the only way to enjoy the payoff of finding true simpatico with someone who values you, too.

The road toward that outcome recognizes that some people are best loved from Far Away. You don't need to trash a guy as a villain in order to walk away. You only need to love your Self enough to trust that your highest intelligence will kick in and come through for you with new perceptions that will teach you how to navigate toward your potential.

All you need to do is stop squelching the part of your Self that knows you don't need to settle for disloyalty--from ANYone.

Head high, and make your Self proud.

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On 3/22/2022 at 10:53 AM, boltnrun said:

They are not "mistakes". He deliberately chose to engage in cheating behaviors.

A mistake is adding salt to a recipe when you were supposed to add sugar because you got the containers mixed up.  A mistake is something you do unintentionally. This guy chooses to lie and cheat and deceive.

OP, what would it take for you to finally leave him? If you called his hotel room and a woman answered? Him bringing a woman to your apartment for fun and games?

A mistake is a one off, slip up. What you describe is a life style and a character issue.

Some couples can come back from infidelity.  But it requires an abundance of patience and transparency.  The fact that he gets hostile when you seek reassurance is a deal breaker.  You are reduced to not feeling safe and as you have just shared with us, absorbing the guilt and blame and trying to twist yourself into a pretzel . .  that only 'if' you were more trusting everything would be ok.  You do not have some mysterious character flaw that makes you mistrusting.   Listen to that inner voice.  By his own actions h has taught you that he's not to be trusted.   Or at the very least, not to be respected. Believe you deserve better.

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A person who still continues acting like this with all this flirtations is a pure evil.  After all you’ve guys been through he should’ve been more sensitive. You forgave him for what? So that he could do his cheating again? He knows that you would be devastated if you knew. He doesn’t care about your feelings at all. He can’t help it because he is a serial cheater. You deserve better.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A little update for this evening. 
 

To answer an unanswered question, he is not financially dependent on me. For most of the relationship, my boyfriend has made less than me. I live alone in a house that my sister lived with me in before she got married two years ago. He has lived with a roommate, his long time best friend, and we split things up pretty evenly when it came to paying for food and dates, home or out.

he started making the transition to staying with me more long term in December. He would go home occasionally for a day or two, and in January we had the conversation that he would like to “split up” with his room mate and  move in with me and eventually buy a house together when his lease ends if I have wanted him to. I agreed because a year prior I had been feeling like it was time for us to start taking the next step in our relationship. It made sense that we do it now since we had both agreed then to give it another year and keep working on our relationship.  So before now, toward the end of March, his roommate had moved out and most of his things were over here  already and he was working from my home. Within this time, he had also been scouted from his job where he was unhappy and his new job pays six figures. This new job started at the beginning of January. That’s when he took his first trip to Tampa. We were both moving on the momentum of big changes and saw this as the time to move forward if we were going to.  I admittedly was disappointed in the conversation we had about moving in together, as it sounded as if it was an act of convenience for him, and not something he was excited about.  Later, before mentioned room mate told me congrats and it was revealed that they had talked about the lease ending and room mate had brought up the topic of us moving in together, not my boyfriend, all before he talked to me. For some reason this bothered me, but I am used to being told I’m being over sensitive and overthinking things. So I thought maybe that’s what was going on with me. 
In our conversation about moving in, before I responded, my boyfriend also mentioned that if I wasn’t ready, he could get a place in my city (he has always lived 40 minutes away) because it just made sense so he didn’t have to commute. Also his band that he and his room mate are in play shows in my city frequently.  Based on the fact that it seems counterproductive to not move in together if we’re staying together, and that I want to be in a relationship that is going somewhere and have the companionship and connection of us waking up together and sharing a life, I agreed. I decided it was probably a good idea to see if we could do life together beyond just weekends and date nights.

some one also asked if we were intending on getting married. well, he did say on New Years that’s what he wants ultimately but thought it would be weird if we talked about it too much “when he’s not proposing.” I stated that I understood but it was good for a couple our age to be on the same page with what we wanted long term so talking about it and knowing that is good. the conversation did not continue.

not much talking goes in. Arguments happen, I’m crying a lot, and I know it’s because of the dynamic between us but also some unresolved emotional issues I have. maybe some betrayal trauma because of the things that have gone on between us. I am admittedly intimidated by his anger during arguments quite often, and even when he’s not angry he has a way of staring coldly at me or disconnecting from the moment completely. I often feel at a loss as to what is going on, but chalk it up to that being his personality and me seeing more of it now that we are around each other more. I do feel uneasy when I see the only times he lights up and seems energetic or excited is when some one is complimenting him or stroking his ego in some way about work or his band. I try to talk to him about these things since they are important to him and I see it excites him, or interact with him in a way I am able to with people I am close to, and there’s not much reciprocation. I am wondering if it has always been like this and I just never paid much attention to it, or if it has gotten worse. Agonizing over such a thing is far from a productive use of time, so again I ask myself why am I doing it? How do I stop? It’s like there is a chemical dependency that I have attached my anxiety to. I have tried meditating, affirmations, and pouring myself into my work and reaching out to friends and family to talk to them about how their lives are going, but I keep finding myself back in this hole of self doubt and worry that is debilitating. I can’t unknow what I do, and knowing it happened makes me wonder if it’s happening again, and so I look for signs that our relationship is solid or there is something deeper now. 

why do we continue? Well, as some one I’ve invested time and effort and so much work in trying to understand, as well as some one I love, it’s hard to end it. Every time there’s good, I tell myself it could really work. And yes, I will admit I’m afraid of the fallout, of being alone, of letting him go, of picking up pieces. 

As far as financials go, I have continued to pay the bills here. My name is on the lease through august .He had said he felt the need to pay the apartment’s bills the last month so his room mate could have a leg up on moving out, since he felt bad about the expenses his room mate was incurring trying to get his own place and become financially independent. They have a long history of helping each other out, though my boyfriend has been doing more of the helping the last few years.  He told me in January that he would officially move in in April, and he would pay 2/3 of April’s bills and that much monthly moving forward. In the meantime, he has picked up the check for every meal we’ve had going out, which has actually helped my bank account quite a bit in its own way. He has made comments about how much he is paying for us going out, and I tell him to let me know when he wants help. He doesn’t, and I assume that is his way of helping with expenses.  When the comments were made, I was surprised because I thought he was being generous. One of the times this came up is when he asked me to cut him a key. I told him that I’d get him a key when he started helping with the bills in a playful way, but I meant it. He didn’t like that.  he made a comment about trying to “get in the black” with his finances and I could tell he was angry I didn’t jump to copy a key for him. I didn’t want to have to get firm and harsh about this, and I don’t think I should have to, so I didn’t. Copying him a key is just something I haven’t gotten around to because in my mind we are not “officially” living together until he is helping me with bills like he mentioned. 

as far as him moving in completely, when I initially started posting here I may have already been in too deep. He did bring the rest of his stuff over, the apartment is gone as of April 1,  and at this point he is on his business trip.

I have ruminated on the issue I initially posted about, and I do see that it’s not an isolated issue.  I do know that there is a chance that what I was (am) upset about could be chopped up to bonding banter.  
 

I know that telling some one what I don’t want happening can set up a parent child dynamic, but then I see relationship gurus talking about how you have to set boundaries as a couple and define them for these grey areas. That’s what I was trying to do, but I don’t think I approached it correctly? Or he didn’t keep his word or defines things by his own terms, I’m not sure which. I do try to be flexible to a fault. I always thought that it was important to see your partner as a complex being and try to communicate and compromise. 

As it stands, he is on his business trip. I was  relieved to get some peace and quiet and relax and clear my head. I decided that whether he steps out or not no amount of worrying will change that (I have told myself this many times) And if I did decide to move on, I would have to move on from clenching down on that pain anyway. No matter what, I have to let go of it. The pain and the fear. It’s just hard to DO.
 

He told me that they would be in the office all week and aside from a group dinner and drinks they have planned on Wednesday, he would be holed up in his hotel room playing his games and watching basket ball.  Tonight, Tuesday, our phone conversation got cut really short after work because he was meeting two coworkers for dinner at 6:30.  He also was sour, didn’t ask me about my day, and said he was sorry but he was exhausted. He wanted to go have dinner and he’ll let me know when he’s done . 3 hours later, he’s calling me to “check in” before going back downstairs to the hotel bar because a bunch of managers showed up and they were all socializing. All which probably goes on normally with these types of companies and trips. I don’t like how I’m feeling. I don’t like that I am partially resenting him for being so sour all of the time, telling me he is quiet because he has nothing to talk about, starting arguments and retreating into nothingness, and then hearing that he has the energy to drink and socialize for hours on end after reprimanding me on the phone about how tired he was. 
I don’t like how Drained I feel, and how focused on our relationship I am. I feel like I have slowly let my life begin to revolve around him, fulfilling his needs, following him around, waiting for breadcrumbs of love and passion, and I dont really know how to take back control because of how exhausted I am from my job and our arguing. I’ve been forced to sit through trainings about trauma repeatedly the past couple of years, and each time I feel triggered. I know all of these things about how the brain works, majored in psychology and neurobiology in college, it’s not new to me. I know that since I found out about the cheating and we were supposed to start over, I went into a state of constant arousal and hyperactivity and I could never relax. This year I have come out of that into a state of constant exhaustion. At work, things are as good for me as they could be due to the state of affairs (teacher here) and I hold my own and give my students stability. My admin compliments me in my instruction and relationships with students. But I am drained every day and feel completely empty after the last bell rings. There is constant chaos on campus and whatever “good” I am doing in my profession is lost in the very heavy work load. I know a lot of people feel this way about their jobs, but the poison in my personal life amplifies the poison at work and vise verse. 

this relationship is toxic and I know that. I also know that couples can reverse the toxicity. I came here to vent but also glean advice. I hear people saying there’s no hope, but is there? How would I know if there was?  Has anyone here ever turned the tides in a toxic relationship when one partner resents the other for a lack of trust and the mistrusting feels unheard and unseen? Thank you for reading.
 

 

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You seem to have insight that it's toxic and he's using you as a convenient free BNB with benefits.

The sooner you end it, the sooner your mental health will improve and you can find someone who wants what you want.

Stop overinvesting. That's the first step to happiness and freedom from this.

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6 hours ago, ABrick said:

I know that telling some one what I don’t want happening can set up a parent child dynamic, but then I see relationship gurus talking about how you have to set boundaries as a couple and define them for these grey areas. That’s what I was trying to do, but I don’t think I approached it correctly?

No, you didn't. To put it bluntly (and no offense meant): You're all talk.

To set up a boundary, you have to put your money where your mouth is and walk away permanently when your boundary is violated.

You have no boundaries.

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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

No, you didn't. To put it bluntly (and no offense meant): You're all talk.

To set up a boundary, you have to put your money where your mouth is and walk away permanently when your boundary is violated.

You have no boundaries.

Yes.  And how would you respond to a best friend you admired who used the excuse of "it's "hard" to leave?"  Since when is "hard" an excuse to remain unhealthy?

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You can't get to feeling better because the source of your anxiety is currently bunking in your own home.

Why are you "afraid to be alone"? Do you live in a high crime area? Have there been break-ins in your building? Do you lack a security system?

As for how I resolved a toxic relationship? By ending the relationship. 

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Posted (edited)
13 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You can't get to feeling better because the source of your anxiety is currently bunking in your own home.

Why are you "afraid to be alone"? Do you live in a high crime area? Have there been break-ins in your building? Do you lack a security system?

As for how I resolved a toxic relationship? By ending the relationship. 

This is an interesting question that really puts things in perspective.  No, I do not necessarily live in a high crime area, nor do I see him as a source of protection in any way. 
 

your responses are causing me to think outside the box in a way that I wouldn’t otherwise. 
 

today, after work (he had a very busy day and I barely heard from him) they had their scheduled business dinner, where according to him they were all getting drunk quite a bit. This lasted almost four hours. He kept reiterating how much fun he had. I want him to have fun, trying to be cool, just asking him about his night and how things went. He told me after that he rode back to the hotel alone with the girl he made the thrupple joke about which I first posted.  Keep in mind he doesn’t know that I know about that. He told me he went to the hotel bar, talked a lot about the night’s “shenanigans,” but mentioned nothing about this coworker. I asked him if they went to the hotel bar together and whether he had asked her to join. He told me no on both counts and got angry and said I was being exacting, and that it didn’t matter.  He went on to be rude to me and I told him I did not mean to make him angry but was curious. He said it didn’t matter and that was the point. I told him that I was curious about whether he did it would do that.  He kept saying “well you got your answer” and I said , yeah, but you’re angry and being rude and I don’t get that if it’s information that’s available to me.  He kept getting mad and interrupting me any time I said a few words, and I told him I felt like he was trying to bully and intimidate me into never asking him again. He said I should trust him and it wouldn’t matter. I mentioned that we are both building trust and open communication is a part of that. He told me no matter what he did I would always bother him about it, and then admitted that he hadn’t gone with her but if he had asked a colleague after dinner to get a drink with him unless there was a power imbalance there’s nothing wrong with it. I said that’s good to know and tried to let it go because I could tell we would fight if we continued because I disagree, but am not interested in convincing him to try to make me comfortable anymore. He glared at me through the camera for some time and I just stared back. When I didn’t continue he started telling me I had no right to be angry at him. I said I wasn’t, and told him I can just tell we aren’t on the same page about this. He started telling me I could have my way and I’m going to give him sh** either way, so he might as well get on my page. I told him that’s not productive or sustainable and he said again you’ll get your way so stop getting in the weeds. And there’s no need to ask him again because I’ll get my way. I tried to keep from getting upset but ultimately felt at the end of the conversation I had no value or power as an equal trying to hold back tears. 
the thing is, I don’t want to give him a hard time. I don’t want to give him sh**, but I don’t feel like I was. We hadn’t made clear boundaries on where we stood as far as this traveling company drink dinner thing goes (last time the subject was broached he got mad at me) and he’s not that forthcoming so me asking and his reaction gives me insight. I’m just baffled that he can be so intelligent, so eager to please and flatter others, and then act like I’m some shrew who is here to ruin his good time, when I am constantly trying to find solid footing. Meanwhile he wants to argue about a hypothetical and ascertain “autonomy” in terms of absolute trust and no questions asked. While I feel I have learned through our experience that people don’t just sit up out of bed and decide to cheat, run outside and mount the first person they see. These things usually happen in compromises in boundaries and sticky situations people slip into because one thing leads to the other and they never thought about where they should draw the line, along with some character issues.  At any rate, that’s what he had explained to me before. That’s what I’ve witnessed between people I know. Isn’t the whole point of repairing trust recognizing why and how betrayal happened and preventing situations where it can be seen as a possibility? If he did tell me he didn’t find it necessary and wouldn’t ask her to drinks when drunk, I probably would not ask again because I would have some clarity and where he stood on the matter. It seems as though on one hand he was mad that I would think he would do that, and on the other also mad that I would have a problem with it.
You all in successful relationships without trust issues, where do you stand on this idea? Would you see going for a one on one drink with the single person your age on your team after a four hour dinner drink party as fair game? Would you be offended if your partner asked you if you did? Do you think there’s a professional purpose for even doing such a thing when you’re in a committed relationship? Would you be angry if your partner was uneasy about it?

thank you for your patience and your time. I appreciate the responses. I am digesting a lot. I think I’ve held a lot in for a long time and it’s nice to process it in a semi-public place and hear other points of view from people who have no attachment.

Edited by ABrick
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15 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes.  And how would you respond to a best friend you admired who used the excuse of "it's "hard" to leave?"  Since when is "hard" an excuse to remain unhealthy?

I would probably recognize that her relationship is much like an addiction.

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On 4/6/2022 at 4:49 AM, ABrick said:

I also know that couples can reverse the toxicity.

Not when one party just doesn't care. And OP, he just doesn't care. 

Stop. This isn't working and you won't be able to "reverse the toxicity", nor should you. This guy treats you like an absolute joke. 

2 hours ago, ABrick said:

You all in successful relationships without trust issues, where do you stand on this idea?

It's pointless asking this question. Successful relaitonships don't compare to your relationship, so the opinions of those of us with good partners aren't revelant to your relationship. Yours is riddled with cheating and mistreatment and lack of love. You might have a leg to stand on if this guy hadn't cheated on you before, and you came here asking this question. But that's not the case. 

This relaitonship is horrible and your self-esteem is obliterated. This isn't really an addiction. It's a bigger problem with your self-worth and not feeling like you can be on your own. Therapy would be a good start. This man will one day take off anyway, girl. He'll be gone as soon as he finds your replacement. Don't wait for that day to come. 

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9 hours ago, ABrick said:

You all in successful relationships without trust issues, where do you stand on this idea? Would you see going for a one on one drink with the single person your age on your team after a four hour dinner drink party as fair game? Would you be offended if your partner asked you if you did? Do you think there’s a professional purpose for even doing such a thing when you’re in a committed relationship? Would you be angry if your partner was uneasy about it?

I am in a successful relationship and we have no trust issues. We've been together for 10 years. I am talking to him about your question as I type this. Here's what I can tell you:

No, I would not be angry if my partner felt uneasy. My partner's feelings are the most important factor in this equation. If I told my boyfriend that I was getting drinks alone with a male coworker, and my boyfriend didn't like the idea, I wouldn't go.

Similarly, I would not interact with a male coworker in a way that could upset my boyfriend. Not would, could. A moment of pause is enough to stop me. I always keep his feelings foremost in my mind. And he does the same for me. 

Furthermore:

Neither one of us would be attending "four-hour drinking events" in their entirety. Being drunk leads to bad decision making. So, we don't let that happen. At a work happy hour, it's one or two drinks, then leave.

Neither one of us would go out alone for drinks with a single coworker of the opposite sex, period. This is for the same reasons stated above. We're not going to put ourselves in a situation that can lead to bad decisions. 

Bottom line is, we have matching values. We prioritize our relationship over our individual conquests. We don't put ourselves into situations where we are likely to make choices that hurt the other person. We respect each other.

Edited by Jibralta
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9 hours ago, ABrick said:

We hadn’t made clear boundaries on where we stood as far as this traveling company drink dinner thing goes (last time the subject was broached he got mad at me)

Relationships will only be successful if a couple is on the exact same page with relationship boundaries. The fact that you can't even have that discussion with him is proof this relationship won't ever work.

Instead of the concrete foundation a successful relationship is built on, yours is nothing but barbed wire, so it's no wonder you're regularly getting hurt.

You need to grow a spine. It's never too late to start a new chapter of your life. Even people as old as 85 and beyond have done so. You're enough, alone. Change that reel going on in your brain. It's springtime, and imagine yourself as a bud who can grow into the beautiful being you should be, grasping a new beginning. Right now, you're  wilting beneath a blistering, relentless sun.

It's not cruel to tell him he has X amount of time to find a new place to live. He's a grown man with income and he can figure this out. When you get time and distance away from the toxic fumes, you will shake your head at why you stayed so long. Good luck.

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Backing down because you're afraid of "losing" him is not compromise. And it's not reversing toxicity. It's you acting like a doormat. Yes, you ask questions but then you backtrack and start crying when he gets angry, then you apologize. That does not "reverse toxicity". It gives him the green light to do whatever he wants because he knows you're too afraid of losing him to push the issue. Yes, he does know you're afraid to lose him.

Your anxiety and unhappiness will continue and will only get worse as long as you keep trying to force this relationship.

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