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Hello, I am new here. I need help understanding the below. I apologize for the essay.


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Hello from a guy on the autistic spectrum,  

     I found this page after having recurring problems with my (now ex) gf. We met late October 2018 and had sex on Dec 18th. We had been on 3 dates, but she freaked out after we had sex as it was "too soon" and then went to her Ex's cabin for Christmas where she slept with him (apparently, she slept with him to make sure she no longer was in love with him). We were "technically" not exclusive yet, but it hurt me extremely deeply as I had told her I was in love with her, and we had made it clear we were not dating or talking to anyone else. She contacted me in early January and shared the information with me and apologized, we moved forward and i tried to not be bitter, but I was. in march 2019 she began telling me about a coworker Elliot whom she knew for some time, I felt something weird so over the course of a few months i asked many questions and figured out the following, she had told me he had a gf, but wasn't happy with her and she told me that at an office party at a local bar (a few months before we met) her and him had been intoxicated and decided to go sit in his car, and she told me nothing happened, just that "they just sat in the car for a while and then she asked why are we in the car and he said idk and they got out and went back into the office party that was at a local bar." I suspect she asked the question to see if he would make a move and he didn't so they went back into the bar.  But while we were together, he would come into work and would tug on her hair or put his hand on her throat when he'd come into the office "jokingly." I was very concerned about this and felt threatened and let her know that I felt threatened and tried to explain to her that I thought this Elliot wanted to sleep with her, and she assured me he was just a friend. She was also very mean to me and distance and told me regularly how I ruined our romance and the start of our relationship by sleeping with her so soon.  

  

     All these things made me very uneasy following the events of our early dating. She always told me many details, so I forced myself to overlook these items and try to trust. Unfortunately, I grew bitter, and we began to push apart, she began oscillating between living with me and then leaving back to her mothers. She was angry that I didn't trust her completely but given the circumstances, I had a very hard time trusting completely. So, we ended up debating, and the debates usually ended up with her threatening to leave me, and then she’d pack up a few bags and leave my home(where she was living) so I would think she may be preparing to be gone for good which caused further pain and fear. This made things worse, we had anger and were absent from one another more than we were together. She would tell me repeatedly how I ruined our relationship early on and how I was treating her like *** (I wasn’t, I would only state facts when she’d ask why I was having a hard time trusting her). When I would tell her I had a hard time trusting her, she would blow up on me and leave. 

 

      I began to feel isolated alone and like my love was never reciprocated, I kept hoping things would change but they didn’t, at one point she was living out of my home more than she was living in it. In 2020 I ended being a fool and seeking the comfort I wanted from her by sleeping with two other women (I personally did not feel we had a relationship at that point even though I loved her, as it was so dysfunctional and toxic), one who was an ex gf (while on a work trip to her region) and one was a woman i met at an outing with friends. I told her of both occurrences, and she was very hurt and displeased. I felt terrible but tried to explain that the main reason I slept with the other women was that they offered me some form of emotional comfort that I had not received from her in almost 2 years(this does not justify my actions, but it is just the driving mechanism and i believe that is important).  
 
     After these multiple fallouts we began working to make our relationship better. Things were improving, but now it was she who was the bitter one (I always handled her bitter better than she handled mine). She viewed me as an untrustworthy ***, and made it very clear she did not want me going out drinking etc, I accepted this and became mostly a home body. I actually enjoyed being a home body and I figured as long as I could calm her anger over time things would improve, she would still sometimes get angry and leave, but this was rather common place now. She also dropped college classes many times about 20-35 units worth of classes over the years and always blamed me for dropping her classes, or for not accepting a job. When I got cameras for the exterior of the home she actually became better, because she could keep an eye on me whenever she got angry and left, I accepted this as I had been untrustworthy, and I had gotten the cameras for security so I saw it as a double good. I worked very hard to be trustworthy and just accepted that itd be some time before things got better, but then she began micromanaging, shed ask to use my laptop for hw which I would say okay (I knew my social media was logged in and I had nothing to hide but I didn’t think shed dig). Long story short she went through all of my messages on multiple occasions, and everytime I told her I clearly left the access to the social media to show im not hiding anything, but she always found a conversation with guy friends where we had conversations about women/models that upset her, or comments on friends stories who were women that upset her. It was like she was always looking for a reason to be mad. She’d blow up, try to force me to delete people from my social media and when I said no, shed pack up and leave. This happened more times than I can count. But it felt like things were getting better. 

 

     Finally, we broke up entirely and I said I had enough, we were away from one another for about 4 weeks, but she had some items she still needed to get from my home, she came by and we talked, and things seemed better, she seemed to accept me more for who I am and to be okay, we ended up spending time together as friends, hiking, going places and it was fantastic for a few months. We ended up being intimate again for a period of about a month, and I was concerned bc it seemed like during our relationship we always had 2-3 good weeks and then hell, and this cycle repeated over and over. So I was waiting for this hell to return but tried to stay as positive as possible to not make it a self fulfilling prophecy.  I was playing some video games hanging out with her and she brought up a social media post to show me on her phone, but she was holding it at a hard angle so I went to take the phone so I could see it better and she pulled it back, this was concerning, but I disregarded it and kept playing my game. She was mad at me for ignoring her but I said “I cant see it at that angle if you want to show me hold it in front of me not behind me, so she did and I read it and I said “haha that’s cool” and then I said jokingly, “protective of your phone huh?? Huhhhh? Lol" and smiled and kept playing (kind of my way of letting her know I felt it was weird but I didn’t care and wasn’t going to dig bc I don’t want trouble with us). Then she tells me “Oh well I started this other IG page to promote MBTI” I said oh that’s cool have you gotten a lot of positive feedback from the community? And she said kind of, and I said cool. I went back to playing and she said “I was talking to an ENTP and it was interesting” (My personality type is an ENTP as well so it felt like she was saying she talked to someone like me, shes attracted to ENTP’s, honestly I felt mildly threatened). I said “Oh well ill have to read that im sure it was an interesting conversation!” although I said it jokingly and went back to my game, I actually had no desire to read it, and then she said “really you want to” and I said “no im good lol” and she said why are you laughing. I said “because its just a little weird how protective you were and now you are giving me tidbits of info about someone supposedly like me.” She said “well I want your opinion of the conversation, I said okay, and she laid the phone out and I read it while she played my game, the conversation was definitely flirtatious and after finishing, she said “what did you think about it” I said “its a pretty long conversation lol” and went back to my game (I didn't want to say it was flirtatious bc I didn’t want to start a fight). She asked me again and said “What did you think of it, why are you ignoring me, look at me” I said “I just want to play my game and would rather not talk about it” She insisted I respond and I said “the conversation was very flirty and you guys had a lot to share with one another but im okay idc about it”. She blew up and said I was attacking her character, she then brought up everything I ever did wrong in the past and said “how can you judge me when you have done a b c d e f g h I j” she then insisted on seeing my IG I told her you already saw everything recently and she said I want to see it now, so I showed it to her, and then she blew up about messages to a friend that were purely friendly, the only issue she raised is that the friend was female and that I replied to her story 8 times in the last month, and that must me I want to sleep with her. She ridiculed me and yelled and I had to keep asking her to stop yelling, but she kept yelling shouting, crying, and accusing me of being a horrible person and how could I ever judge her negatively when ive done so many bad things etc etc and then she packed some things and left. I realized this was too much abuse for me to handle and went to her room, packed up everything in trash bags and put it on the porch (I was surprised how much stuff she actually still had in my house because I never really inspected her room when she had “Moved out”, at least 200 pieces of clothing). I called her and let her know she should grab her stuff tonight and whatever she didn’t grab was going to the dumps. She made two trips, and before she left on the second trip, left the key to my house, and told me that she was going to be leaving and to please never contact her again. She called me about an hour later to let me know she was going to start dating the following night and that she was moving on.  

     This happened last night, and hurt me deeply and im hurting today, but this is the full story of my relationship. I just don’t understand someone who constantly called other women *** and hated people ever even thinking she could be anything remotely close to ***ty, who then blows up on me for saying her “conversation was flirty but im okay with it”, and then leaves, and then gets angry when I pack up her stuff and let her know to come get it bc im not playing these games anymore, and then tells me to leave her alone because in less than 24 hours shell be dating again. That seems like something a *** would do, and I have never ever considered her a ***, but I wished her the best and honestly hope she finds someone who makes her happier than I could. I just don’t understand the logic of any of this. 

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34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to delete and block people like this rather than get involved with their drama.

Just to clarify, when would be the appropriate time to block, I mean what is the line in the sand so to speak. I try to be accepting of others as that is how i would want to be treated. So are there any key questions i can ask myself, or reference points i can utilize to better navigate relationships.

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Just now, Merlins-Beard said:

Just to clarify, when would be the appropriate time to block, I mean what is the line in the sand so to speak. I try to be accepting of others as that is how i would want to be treated. So are there any key questions i can ask myself, or reference points i can utilize to better navigate relationships.

She’s an ex. Block her immediately if you sense she cannot behave appropriately or will contact you again making inappropriate demands or requests. 

Friendship is not an option if you’re calling this emotional abuse. Please don’t make poor choices and then ask why things aren’t turning out the way they ought to for you. Take care of your health and don’t put others’ needs or destructive behaviours before your own well being.

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27 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

Keep her out of your home and your life. Yes, it does sound like emotional abuse and too chaotic. 

You may benefit from counselling after a relationship like this to repair and heal your sense of reality.

Yes I think a counselor would benefit me, I am 30 and recently discovered my autism, the outlook for a relationship for me is slim, college has already passed, 20's have passed, I've become a reclusive homebody so my chances of interacting with others is minimized. I am okay with being alone, but it is a very bleak outlook that I hold (statistically speaking).

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1 minute ago, Rose Mosse said:

She’s an ex. Block her immediately if you sense she cannot behave appropriately or will contact you again making inappropriate demands or requests. 

Friendship is not an option if you’re calling this emotional abuse. Please don’t make poor choices and then ask why things aren’t turning out the way they ought to for you. Take care of your health and don’t put others’ needs or destructive behaviours before your own well being.

I have no intent at this point to be friends, that has passed. I just didn't know if there was a formula to avoid wasting 4 years again. Like "hey 6 months in ask yourself (blank)".

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1 minute ago, Merlins-Beard said:

Yes I think a counselor would benefit me, I am 30 and recently discovered my autism, the outlook for a relationship for me is slim, college has already passed, 20's have passed, I've become a reclusive homebody so my chances of interacting with others is minimized. I am okay with being alone, but it is a very bleak outlook that I hold (statistically speaking).

You may be depressed. This is not a healthy outlook. Yes, I strongly encourage counselling and resist the urge for self-pity and self-isolation. 

Feeling sad and down is normal after any break up but leave yourself open to options and don’t be ashamed to ask for help if you need it.

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Just now, Rose Mosse said:

You may be depressed. This is not a healthy outlook. Yes, I strongly encourage counselling and resist the urge for self-pity and self-isolation. 

Feeling sad and down is normal after any break up but leave yourself open to options and don’t be ashamed to ask for help if you need it.

I don't really do self-pity. I am just being transparent on this forum, I would not behave that way in public, I would always put my best food forward. With that said I am merely saying its logical that in more social environments classes etc you will meet more potential mates. As far as isolation, I enjoy it as im autistic, so its grown on me haha. Video games, shows, I even have a gym setup in my garage so i dont have to visit the gym.

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3 minutes ago, wealthydior said:

Really you shouldn’t continue contacting with this toxic person. Since she sometimes tries to contact you, you should block her. Otherwise you will lose some more time with her.

I am doing that. I just want to avoid repeating this mistake with other women in the future. And best way to do that is to understand the root of the issue.

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Choosing to isolate yourself from people is a very common response to abuse related trauma. You are obviously very capable of connecting with people, and being a good partner, as well as wanting that connection. So yes, please get help, but specifically, help from a therapist who specializes in handling the victims of abuse and the associated trauma that comes with that. You do not need to stay alone and isolated. This can be fixed.

You've made a mistake that many people make - thinking that if you treat someone like you want to be treated, things will work out. The trouble with that belief is that some people out there are not like you. Your ex is not like you. Think of it like this - you would not steal, but there are people who do steal and they don't feel bad about it. They are different from you, they think differently, feel different, act differently. The point about relationships is to find a person who is actually like you in fundamental ways - meaning morals and values. If you are kind, you want a partner who is kind.

To answer your question, yes there are natural timelines where people stop to evaluate the relationship and decide whether to continue or quit. Typically, those are after first date, after three dates, then after 3-4 months, then again, after 6 months, after 8 months, after one year, after 1.5 years. What are you evaluating? What character traits and behaviors you've seen of the person that you are dating and whether they truly match you and your own character, values, and expectations. If the don't, if you've seen bad behaviors that trouble you - you let them go, aka dump them. Dating is not about hanging on, it's about weeding out bad matches.

The biggest challenge for you is that you need to change your thinking drastically - life is not over at 30, you have plenty of time to find a healthy partner (but you do need to work on you for bit to deal with the trauma and damage you just went through), you do need to find the courage to end relationships with those who do not match your values and do not reciprocate, you need to learn to value yourself and what you have to offer and understand that there is a nice person out there who will value you.

 

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3 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

Choosing to isolate yourself from people is a very common response to abuse related trauma. You are obviously very capable of connecting with people, and being a good partner, as well as wanting that connection. So yes, please get help, but specifically, help from a therapist who specializes in handling the victims of abuse and the associated trauma that comes with that. You do not need to stay alone and isolated. This can be fixed.

You've made a mistake that many people make - thinking that if you treat someone like you want to be treated, things will work out. The trouble with that belief is that some people out there are not like you. Your ex is not like you. Think of it like this - you would not steal, but there are people who do steal and they don't feel bad about it. They are different from you, they think differently, feel different, act differently. The point about relationships is to find a person who is actually like you in fundamental ways - meaning morals and values. If you are kind, you want a partner who is kind.

To answer your question, yes there are natural timelines where people stop to evaluate the relationship and decide whether to continue or quit. Typically, those are after first date, after three dates, then after 3-4 months, then again, after 6 months, after 8 months, after one year, after 1.5 years. What are you evaluating? What character traits and behaviors you've seen of the person that you are dating and whether they truly match you and your own character, values, and expectations. If the don't, if you've seen bad behaviors that trouble you - you let them go, aka dump them. Dating is not about hanging on, it's about weeding out bad matches.

The biggest challenge for you is that you need to change your thinking drastically - life is not over at 30, you have plenty of time to find a healthy partner (but you do need to work on you for bit to deal with the trauma and damage you just went through), you do need to find the courage to end relationships with those who do not match your values and do not reciprocate, you need to learn to value yourself and what you have to offer and understand that there is a nice person out there who will value you.

 

You answered all of my questions thoughtfully and thoroughly, I greatly appreciate this advice and am going to make a Jpeg out of it to help remind me in future situations. Thank you for showing me to dance DancingGenius. Theres isn't an emoji to show my appreciation, thank you.

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