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Should my boyfriend have my back with his friends?


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24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'm curious to know why you believe this relationship is worth you trying to save

I get that it probably sounds insane but I do really care about him. He has been a huge support through other issues in my life and this friend situation has been the one single recurring issue throughout. I realize that this conversation could be absolutely pointless but I know I'd kick myself if I didn't even try.

Compared to the beginning things have actually improved regarding his friends, just not nearly enough...I'm willing to give it one last shot but that's it. He seems like he cares a lot about our relationship which is why it's so confusing to me that he's remained relatively stubborn on this issue. But in the end I won't keep putting up with it.

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A guy who is in love with you wouldn't need this issue spelled out to him so many times. 

He would be taking the lead to protect the integrity of your relationship from toxic people. You wouldn't need to plead with him to do so. 

This really should never have been this complicated. But the fact that it is tells you all you need to know about his real feelings for you. 

 

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13 hours ago, abykann said:

I realize that this conversation could be absolutely pointless but I know I'd kick myself if I didn't even try.

Haven't you already "tried"?

13 hours ago, abykann said:

He seems like he cares a lot about our relationship which is why it's so confusing to me that he's remained relatively stubborn on this issue

This is contradictory. He's allowing an outsider to interfere in your relationship. How does that show you he "cares a lot" about your relationship?

This is not a long term relationship and you've already broken up once before. But for some reason you want to try to keep it going. So I guess yeah, talk to him yet again. Just prolonging the inevitable IMO.

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On 3/14/2022 at 10:52 AM, abykann said:

I wish it wasn't so important, but I do value being supported in relationship

Huh? Being supported in a relationship is really important. What's the point of being in a relationship if you're not supported by your partner?

21 hours ago, abykann said:

He seems like he cares a lot about our relationship which is why it's so confusing to me that he's remained relatively stubborn on this issue.

It sounds like he cares more about being in a relationship than he does about being with you.

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10 hours ago, Jibralta said:

Huh? Being supported in a relationship is really important. What's the point of being in a relationship if you're not supported by your partner?

I caught that, too. 

OP, your standards are too low. Being supported by your partner should be a given. 

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Hey abykann,

Could you clarify; are his friends buying into her drama? Are they also excluding or ostracizing you in group situations? Is she, or her boyfriend, the hub of the group as it were (organizing or hosting the majority of events)?

Also, you had a pre-existing friendship with this woman and an acquaintance with your boyfriend's ex partner. Did you meet your partner through them? Did you know this friend group, including your ex friends boyfriend, prior to meeting your boyfriend? 

While it may be true that it is simply your boyfriend is a cad, as most seem to posit, depending on the above, I still feel that perhaps as the target of this one girls ire, you are being dragged into greater drama than is really necessary. 

Just offering an alternative read,

T

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At face value I'd consider adopting the maturity and grace to trust that gossips, especially lying ones, will hang themselves when given enough rope, so there's no need to go hyper and knock yourself out trying to pit your BF against anyone. Especially when it could cost him a long time friend.

I'd prefer to manage my own battles directly, regardless of whether I'm always happy with the outcomes at any given moment.

I'd also consider that there's no rule that I must like all of my Bf's friends or visa versa, and so there may be outings for each of us where the other is not invited--or would not even want to attend.

However, the fact that you have escalated this into such a make-or-break issue would tell me that this guy is not budging. Doesn't matter what you do. These were his friends before you, and he's telling you in no uncertain terms that he will remain loyal to them long after you.

So decide where you stand on that, and then let it go--either way.

Head high, it's your choice.

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7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I'd also consider that there's no rule that I must like all of my Bf's friends or visa versa, and so there may be outings for each of us where the other is not invited--or would not even want to attend.

I personally don't think it's appropriate not to invite the SO to an outing unless it's gender based or one on one or like three people who are BFFs where the convo will be very personal.  

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