Burn Out Over Boyfriend's Mental Health Issues

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Naddie101 said:

Hi Bataya33. Thank you for your perspective. I've thought about this, the friend route, but I'm not sure how to proceed. I don't know how, honestly, and I fear that I will make him worse. 

I would proceed by being simple and direct "I can no longer be involved with you because my mental health is suffering and I don't think we want the same things together for the future.  Of course I want to be supportive and I am here for you if you want me to help you find good therapists and if you want to talk about options."  I mean that sounds formal but simple and direct.

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Naddie101 said:

He did say he was considering going back on meds in Januarry. I told him that I thought this was a good idea and was relieved that he brought it up. Nothing has come of it, though, so I might go this route. 

He doesn't want to take meds. He may tell you he's taking them to get you off his back, but ultimatums never work. Ever.

The decision is yours whether to tolerate someone who is unavailable to you. Not playing mother or doctor. The more you nag, the more he'll push you away.

[Rose Mosse]

If you’re ending this make a clean cut. Don’t offer any help afterwards. That’s what it takes to take care of you so please do it.

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with @Rose Mosse

I have done the mistake of staying in touch with my BPD ex. He said he was lonely and needed me as his friend. Having a good heart, I accepted and he knew exactly which strings to pull to bring back in his net. I shortly went back to him. One year later, same problem came back and it's when I cut full ties that I realized how toxic it was. So be careful of him not guilting you into going back to him. NC is the way if you choose to split up.

[Naddie101]

@DarkCh0c0I have brought up my needs before. Example: he requies a lot of space, sometimes, and if he's feeling bad, he dosen't want it to affect me, so he's distant during these times. But sometimes I want to see him more often and I feel hurt when he tells me its "too soon" to see me due to how his mood is.   He has told me that this request crosses a boundry for him (seeing him more). 

[boltnrun]

Just now, Naddie101 said:

@DarkCh0c0I have brought up my needs before. Example: he requies a lot of space, sometimes, and if he's feeling bad, he dosen't want it to affect me, so he's distant during these times. But sometimes I want to see him more often and I feel hurt when he tells me its "too soon" to see me due to how his mood is.   He has told me that this request crosses a boundry for him (seeing him more). 

So you're expected to "support" him with his mental health issues but he doesn't "support" you with yours.

No, you are not obligated to stay with him. And no, it's not a case of "if you loved him you'd stay". You shouldn't be guilted into staying in an unbalanced relationship.

[MissCanuck]

1 minute ago, boltnrun said:

No, you are not obligated to stay with him. And no, it's not a case of "if you loved him you'd stay". You shouldn't be guilted into staying in an unbalanced relationship.

Exactly. 

That's completely unfair and dismissive of the other partner's needs and feelings. 

[Blue_Skirt]

What do you get out of this relationship?

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Naddie101 said:

@DarkCh0c0I have brought up my needs before. Example: he requies a lot of space, sometimes, and if he's feeling bad, he dosen't want it to affect me, so he's distant during these times. But sometimes I want to see him more often and I feel hurt when he tells me its "too soon" to see me due to how his mood is.   He has told me that this request crosses a boundry for him (seeing him more). 

Then you decide when the relationship is no longer fulfilling.

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Naddie101 said:

every time I bring up my needs, it turns into a whrilwind of s**t feelings and poor self-esteem that goes nowhere. It wasn't always this way, but I've been less and less inclined to share what I need due to his reactions in the past and his current mood. I also am seeing a therapist. 

It seems you are getting better and therefore expecting healthier interaction and elevating your level of requirements from and standards for a relationship.

 While he is sinking deeper and deeper resorting to manipulation and disappearing acts.

It would be the same if he were married, using drugs or alcohol or whatever. He disappears into his own selfish world and that leaves you a relationship widow.

Does alcoholism run in your family? You may have a blind spot when it comes to fixing people and people who are so wrapped up in their problems that they just end up using everyone around them at their convenience.

 

[DarkCh0c0]

1 hour ago, Naddie101 said:

He has told me that this request crosses a boundry for him (seeing him more

He is guilt tripping you for your needs, yet making you bend like a pretzel to fit his. That is not fair in any way, nor loving nor caring. You are seeing his true colours and it's not pretty. He's honestly being very selfish and inconsiderate. He doesn't care about you. He has the benefits of the gf, without making any effort.

I'm sorry. I was in your place, and I think you deserve 100% better. Know your worth. Another man would NOT take advantage of your golden heart. A true man would value you through sickness and health. No excuses and without even being asked/nagged to do so.

[Naddie101]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

@Blue_Skirt When he isn't moody, he can be great.  He has supported me during rough times, mostly during deaths of people I loved. He can be a good listener and has made me laugh, think, ect. We have traveled together both in & out of the US. He always gets back to me when we text..dosen't leave me "on read". 

[Blue_Skirt]

4 minutes ago, Naddie101 said:

When he isn't moody, he can be great. 

When he is not moody he CAN be great?

Is what you get sufficient for you to stay in this relationship?

[DancingFool]

3 minutes ago, Naddie101 said:

@Blue_Skirt When he isn't moody, he can be great.  He has supported me during rough times, mostly during deaths of people I loved. He can be a good listener and has made me laugh, think, ect. We have traveled together both in & out of the US. He always gets back to me when we text..dosen't leave me "on read". 

Do you know what every abused woman says? He treats me really well when he is not beating me.... He might not be abusive as such, but the parallel is identical, especially your own thinking and low expectations.

OP, you seriously need to raise your standards and expectations. Healthy relationships are healthy all of the time, not just sometimes. 

What you are experiencing is exactly what a relationship looks like with a mentally unstable individual - a roller coaster ride that leaves you empty and exhausted. To make matters worse - people like him target exactly  people like you - empathetic to the point of complete disregard to yourself, your own health and well being, willing to sacrifice everything and easy to manipulate/guilt trip into doing so.

Please dump him. Do not stay friends, do not keep in contact. Quit cold turkey. Then spend some time with yourself figuring out what attracts you to a toxic dynamic and learn what healthy boundaries look like. You can be a kind and empathetic person, but also in a healthy way = with strong boundaries.

[DarkCh0c0]

44 minutes ago, Naddie101 said:

He always gets back to me when we text..dosen't leave me "on read". 

That's some very low standard right there. I'm sad and surprised to read this as a reason for him to be a good partner.

Can I know how much he gives to you? And to the relationship overall? Cause it sounds like you do most of the giving, and he mainly takes, takes and takes.

How often does he go out of his way to please you? To pamper you? Surprise you? Has he ever done these? What are your plans as a couple? Was marriage even on the table?

Just reflect on these. How do you feel in the relationship overall? Confident and safe? Or is your self esteem lower and lower as you stay longer together as a couple? Does he, as he is today in the here and now, represent your ideal partner and reflect qualities you associate with? Cause what you see is what you get. He is not changing, specially not for you as you let him get away with anything including ignoring you as an equal partner.

Edited March 14 by DarkCh0c0

[Naddie101]

@DancingFoolWhile writing out those things, I began to see that perspective-the mimicing of abusive partner excuses. I appricate you responding with it in writing. 

@DarkCh0c0 I am uninterested in marriage for several reasons, so it's never on the table. That's a whole other thread, though. He does things for me, cooks all the time and cleans up afterwards, gives me gifts, etc. I'm not very traditional when it comes to romantic pampering, so I'm not quite sure what that looks like. Little suprizes, yes. No grand gestures, though, and I'm okay with that. My self-esteem is difficult to navigate. I spend a lot of time at my work helping others and it's been rough through the pandemic, as it has been for so many. I often have to shelve my own feelings in order to do my job. If I could measure it, I would say that it's lower. I have done things for myself, though, and still do. Clearly he is not an "ideal partner". No one adds "mental illness" to their ideal partner list, but I feel as if everyone has issues. 

[Cherylyn]

Question whether or not you want to remain in this unsuccessful relationship.  How much patience do you have?  If you're burned out as you say, there is your answer.  Figure out a way to exit the relationship so you can work on yourself.   Someday, when you're ready,  you can be with a person who will treat you with respect, kindness, consideration, common courtesy and common decency. 

[DarkCh0c0]

Alright. I will add a link for you to read up on emotional abuse to follow up on what @DancingFool mentioned to you to reflect on https://booktrib.com/2018/04/10/interview-avery-neal-emotional-abuse/

I just want you to know that how you feel about the relationship overall is the key. And the fact you know in your heart this isn't healthy, and you can see the effect of his behaviour on you is really good. You are a bit more in touch with your feelings than you think, and have a good compass.

I hope the article is insightful. And I hope you will follow that inner voice that came here to ask help. And reg. Mental health and the ideal partner: mental health isn't the issue here. It's your partner's lack of accountability, responsibility, and empathy. It's him using his mental health as an excuse to be good partner to you who cares about you and your feelings. It's him preferring to dismiss your feelings and needs, instead of validating them, to get whatever he wants out of you and this relationship.

[poorlittlefish]

16 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Give him ultimatum...either he gets into the doctor to have his meds updated/increased/more intensive therapy/counseling, or you simple just walk away. It's really not your job to maintain his condition. I get it there is a lot of guilt, and a feel of obligation BUT he's an adult, let him and his family deal with it. It would be a different story if yo were husband and wife, but you are not. Yo can do whatever you feel you need to do for yourself. 

That's what I ended up doing. I told my now ex that unless he was willing to get help for his issues then, in order to protect myself, I could not be in a relationship with him. He claimed he would seek help, but didn't, so I ended it.

Don't give an ultimatum unless you're prepared to go through with it, otherwise he'll realise he can keep getting away with excuses. 

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

He claimed he would seek help, but didn't, so I ended it.

Don't give an ultimatum unless you're prepared to go through with it, otherwise he'll realise he can keep getting away with excuses. 

I think you highlight a very important fact: You did give your ex an ultimatum, but you still had to end things. @Naddie101, take heed!

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Naddie101 said:

@DancingFool

@DarkCh0c0   I feel as if everyone has issues. 

Not this many and not this extreme. At some level you know you are rationalizing.

Bipolar disorder is notoriously difficult to manage for the simple reason that the manic euphoria itself obliterates insight.

However, the disappearing acts may not even be related to his mental health. He may simply be off having sex with others. He just doesn't want to be around you.

Have you read the book 📚 "He's Just Not That Into You". Start there.

[Naddie101]

Hi everyone. Thank you for all of your responses. This community is a good one.  @DarkCh0c0I read the article you sent and started reading the book. It is resonating with me and I think this is what is going on within my relationship. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I will speak on this. 

My work is now taking up a lot of my time, so I won't be able to check this thread frequently. All of you have helped me think through my feelings. I will update here sometime in the future. 

 

[catfeeder]

I was in your shoes, and I recognized that it is possible to love someone but still need to leave for my own best interests.

This would not make you a villain.

Some people are best loved from far away.