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Did my wife sleep with him,opinions required.


Sean1969
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My wife went out with her single friend on Friday night and they met 2 guys from Ireland who were over for a lads weekend.Her friend got together with one of them and my wife stayed in the company of the other.

I picked her up later that night and brought her home as i had been out too but not drinking.She told me about the two guys and how nice they had been to her and her friend ,buying them drinks etc.

The next day she told me she and her friend were going to meet up with them again that night as her friend really liked the one she  had got off with.I was going out too so just told her to be careful.I would normally pick up her friend and drop them both off in town but this night my wife said she was meeting her in town and to drop her off round the corner from the bar they were meeting in.

I had noticed earlier when my wife was in the shower,she had laid out her sexiest underwear and was wearing a skintight very sexy outfit too. Why.I dropped her off as promised as again i wasnt drinking that night.Later that night i called her to pick her up as usual but she didnt answer.I went home and waited for her call back which didnt come.She eventually got home at arounnd 04.30 which is very late ,and very drunk.

The next day she told me she had just been chatting and didnt realise the time, but her friend had gone off to the guys hotel and left her with the other.This didnt sit well with me,she had always had a fantasy about meeting up with a stranger for sex.

Some months went by and i was going crazy with questions for her so i brought it up .I asked her what really went on and why she didnt answer my call.Her answers were vague ,and she wouldnt tell me everthing because she didnt want to ruin our relationship,which says it all to me.

 

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40 minutes ago, Sean1969 said:

She eventually got home at arounnd 04.30 which is very late ,and very drunk.

The next day she told me she had just been chatting and didnt realise the time, but her friend had gone off to the guys hotel and left her with the other.

What led to this situation where you go out separately and live separate social lives?

That's the real problem here.

Should she be double dating with this friend and getting "very drunk"? No. 

Was she flattered and feeling attractive from the attention from another man? Yes.

Did they have sex? You'll never know.

Edited by Wiseman2
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Are you her husband or her personal driver and chauffeur service?

If I am in a committed relationship, I would not meet up with a random dude and come home totally drunk at 4:30 in the morning and then as excuse would say that I totally forgot the time.

Reading your story, she has crossed the line already (by my standards) and for me it would not make a significant difference whether she actually slept with him.

39 minutes ago, Sean1969 said:

I asked her what really went on and why she didnt answer my call.Her answers were vague ,and she wouldnt tell me everthing because she didnt want to ruin our relationship,which says it all to me.

I think you have your answer for yourself already, so what are you going to do about it?

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1 hour ago, Sean1969 said:

.I asked her what really went on and why she didnt answer my call.Her answers were vague ,and she wouldnt tell me everthing because she didnt want to ruin our relationship,which says it all to me.

I think you already know what happened that night, OP. 

 

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Why is your wife coming in 4:30am home drunk after meeting another guy alone? What do you think it happens when you allow behavior like that?

I know 2 cases like that. Both ended up in divorce, one very recently. Second one also gone out with her single friend every weekend while he did go out with his friends or just babysit their kid. Even took an offence on her friend when she would tell the guys that she was married when they approach her in bar. Anyway, much to the surprise of no one, she left her husband for another guy. On their anniversary!

Anyway, what I am trying to say is, as her husband(also both husbands I mentioned where like you) you are allowing her a certain kind of behavior. And then wonder why some things happen. Admittedly, if she would like, she could probably cheat you when you were there. However, you are enabling, and even allowing certain kinds of situations where cheating is not just possible, but probable. And you did exactly nothing to prevent that. 

I am not saying she should be locked in the home, not to go out. That is another kind of extreme. However, you are letting her to go out and literally pick up guys with her single friend. You need to be able to say "No" to stuff like that. Though she doesnt respect you already when she could do stuff like that, you should have put your limits better.

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Sounds like the writing is on the wall, which I'm sure you're aware of.  Having said that, why haven't you addressed this before it got to this point?

As long as she avoids any consequences, her behavior will continue to escalate.  Are you up for that?

And yes, I would be inclined to believe she slept with this guy.

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IMO, if I was in your spot and my 'husband' wanted to go hang out with a buddy who was hooking up with some gal and then wanted to go 'hang out' again, Yup, I'd be suspicious 😕 .. Like why would he want to go out for that again, instead of just staying home?   ( especially if he was not the one hooking up..).

 

 

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I think you've got several problems here.

A wife that likes to go out drinking and behaving like that, stays out far too late, hangs out with random men, dresses like she's a lady of the night.

Those alone are serious problems and would put a marriage into jeopardy.

As for whether she cheated or not, the chances are high, but unless you have 100% proof, it's a guessing game.

You do have serious problems with this person though, definitely.

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I was doing the whole going out with friends and staying out late at the end of my marriage. I was doing it because my marriage was bad and I was inching toward wanting a divorce. I finally stopped acting like an ass and filed for divorce. 

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1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

I was doing the whole going out with friends and staying out late at the end of my marriage. I was doing it because my marriage was bad and I was inching toward wanting a divorce. I finally stopped acting like an ass and filed for divorce. 

Same, word for word.

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At this point does it even matter whether she slept with someone else? She’s drunk in laid out underwear being with other men and coming home late. What part about any of this says loving marriage or loyal spouse? Do you share the same lifestyle going out like this and coming home late or drinking to a stumbling stupor? All of the above is unappealing. 

See your lawyer about options for separation and divorce. Don’t play PI or psychologist. Let go if this isn’t for you.

 

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It's all about YOUR opinion.  In YOUR opinion, did she sleep with him?  

It boils down to this- 

Do you TRUST her? If you do, no issue.  You trust her not to sleep with someone else, regardless of the circumstances. 

If you don't- why?  Or that you only trust in SPECIFIC circumstances. 

That's really all there is to it.

But since you asked my opinion- there shouldn't be any condition to trust.  If you don't trust someone in specific circumstances, you just don't trust them-period.  If you've already decided you don't trust her, then the next question you should be asking is - Do I want to be in a partnership with someone I don't trust?  And only you can answer THAT one. 

 

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You both regularly going out without each other to drink at bars? Not very conducive to a healthy marriage. Why did you two even get married if you wanted to continue on as if you're both single? If I do a girls night out, it's sparing. The times my husband would go with a guy friend for a beer is also sparingly. And those outings definitely wouldn't involve opposite gender strangers. 

The last thing I'd want to do with my night is watch my girlfriend play kissy face with her crush and me having to be a buddy, making small talk, with a male stranger. If it doesn't make logical sense, well then . . . 

When you're exclusive, in a serious relationship, your activities for leisure time have to change from when you were single. I know that happened for me. My husband and I get together with other couples and with group friends. No way would we be doing what you and your wife are doing. 

Before becoming exclusive with someone, make sure you agree on the same relationship boundaries. If you don't, you're not a good match.

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Different point of view.

There is nothing wrong with being in a relationship and playing the proverbial wing man to your single friend. The real heart of the issue is why don't you trust your wife and immediately presume that she must have been cheating? Also, why do you two socialize separately instead of going out as a couple and integrating your respective friends and social life? Why you do immediately assume that your wife would act on some goofy fantasy that she shared with you and why do you feel it's OK to hold something that she shared with you against her?

You have much bigger issues in your marriage than what she did the other night. Make fewer assumptions and maybe work on your connection as a couple.

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Hmmm... YMMV.  I didn't as a single, lay out my best sexy underwear unless I was cruising.  As an old married lady, only the hubster of 25 yrs got the lingerie.  If I were a babysitting the wingperson whose friend was going to get laid (by my friend), I would wear the same tired old non-matching bra and grammy underwear, not shave my legs, not care if I smelled like flowers, etc.  Please don't throw rocks at me other females, I've been living under one for 30 years 😉 Pilot rolled up to me onetime in an airport and asked me my status and i, blinking widely, said "platinum."  He meant marital status.  Duh!

Long story short, that kinda effort rings all kinds of alarm bells in this seen-it-all-old-lady head.

Edited by spinstermanquee
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Well, I fix myself up every day regardless of whether I'm married or single. I've always kept myself groomed, hair washed and styled, wear matching underwear sets, etc. The only concession I make currently to working remotely is I wear sweat pants and leggings and T-shirts. 

BUT...I only started going out with friends and staying out late when I was seriously contemplating ending my marriage. My husband and I were not getting along, to say the least.

As for your wife, I would guess she's close to checking out of the marriage.

If you don't want the marriage to end, a heartfelt talk is in order.

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On 3/13/2022 at 11:22 AM, Sean1969 said:

 she wouldnt tell me everthing because she didnt want to ruin our relationship,which says it all to me.

 

This says everything to me too. IMO you are just going to have to assume something was planned and did happen. You can tell her since she won't fess up, that this relationship is already ruined.

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I think it's OK that your wife went out on a girls' night out with her single friend. What is NOT OK though is that your wife dressed up sexy and went out with her friend and those guys again. If her friend and one of the guys were hooking up, there was no need for your wife to go. Her friend could have just gone alone. I'm sure the other guy is a big boy and could have done something else by himself.

Your wife went out with them simply because she wanted to, in the very least, flirt and get attention from that guy. And at worst, she wanted to sleep with him/did sleep with him.

I agree with the other posters. Why do you allow your wife to do this and even give her lifts to go see another guy? You're acting like a total doormat and she knows she can get away with it.

If she was "left" with the other guy, I doubt she was just innocently chatting until 4:30 a.m. Then she was really vague when you asked her if she slept with him. I think you have your answer already.

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