Should I message her?

[junebug123]

I went to this meetup yesterday that’s like cocktails and friends. There’s no real rules in these sorts of situations and generally it’s just people hanging out and having fun.

Last time I met a few girls and got their numbers and sometimes I will eventually meet someone whose very similar to myself in terms of career, age and lifestyle. I live in NYC so a lot of men and women sort of just busy and work a lot.

The other night I sort of met this girl who was flirting with me. She was being very touchy and even hugged me closely at one point. I let her know that I found her attractive and she excused herself to go to the bathroom. 

When she came back she said looked like she was leaving, and I asked her for her contact information. I wanted to kiss her but I guess it was a little soon, but she was being very receptive and I ended up just kissing her a few times on the cheek and we hugged a little more.

Finally she leaves and I look at my phone, she gives me all the information like the company she works at, her job title and her full name except her phone number (I know because I looked her up on LinkedIn after). This threw me off, I go to my friend and I ask him, why didn’t she just give me her number? 

He told me that he thinks she likes me but these girls are afraid of getting hurt. She’s also part of a group chat where everyone has their number shared. Basically, I already know her number but now I’m hesitant to even contact her because she didn’t just give it to me.

I can’t she message her on LinkedIn because she has her account set to private. This leaves me with just reaching out to her in the group or messaging her myself. What would you do in my situation and do you think she likes me or was just being polite?

[Batya33]

She is very interested in you contacting her and I suspect she just forgot to give you the number - who knows if she likes you - one step at a time -just contact her and assume she is interested in hearing from you. Make no other assumptions.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

I already know her number This leaves me with just reaching out to her in the group or messaging her myself. 

What's the harm in asking her if she wants to go for coffee/drinks sometime? If it's no, so what? Move on.

[junebug123]

Alright. I’ll reach out. Ugh, this feels so scary.

[Kwothe28]

I think that there is no harm in contacting. You know what is the saying, "The worst they can say is No"" lol

Depending whether she likes you or not, it might even look good that you went beyond to message. But you would never know that unless you try. So, good luck!

[smackie9]

How many signals do you need? Ask her out.

[Rose Mosse]

Call her. Use the number. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Alright. I’ll reach out. Ugh, this feels so scary.

It can feel scary and you choose connection over fear.  Opportunity over fear.  I've done it many many times.  Including presently.

[boltnrun]

What's so "scary"?  This is a stranger who, a week or so ago, you didn't even know existed.

I asked a guy out one time.  He said no, thanks, I have a girlfriend.  I said, oh, that's cool, no worries.  Nothing catastrophic happened.  I just went on with my life.

[junebug123]

Yeah well I contacted her and it she read the text like 3 hours ago. Yeah. I guess there could be a lot of reasons why she didn’t give me her number.

Maybe she could be in a relationship or just got out of one. Either way I feel good about putting myself out there recently and I’ve been learning more about dating and meeting people.

I realize in the past I tunneled too much into a few situations rather then just learning to go with the flow. I’m getting better at being brave and putting myself out there but you can’t get a job without getting rejected at a few interviews.

Ive never been soo excited for meeting someone like I was last night. Granted I was drinking a little. I realize that it’s hard for anyone to put themselves out there and I just need to keep practicing. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, junebug123 said:

Yeah well I contacted her and it she read the text like 3 hours ago.

What did you say?

[junebug123]

I just said that I enjoyed meeting her last night and wasn’t sure if I should have contacted her because when I asked for her contact she forgot to add her number. 

Then just wrote my name with a little btw.

Not over to over analyze at this point. She has my information if she wants to reach out. Last time the girl took a day before they reached out to me.

She seems like she has a very busy life, she works as a COO and she was working on a Saturday before she even came later on in the day. So, I did my part if she wants to reciprocate 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

I just said that I enjoyed meeting her last night and wasn’t sure if I should have contacted her because when I asked for her contact she forgot to add her number. 

Why the dissertation but not asking her out with a specific question about when is she free for coffee/dinner/drinks? No one would respond to this waffling stuff. Ask Her Out.

[Rose Mosse]

 

2 hours ago, junebug123 said:

Yeah well I contacted her and it she read the text like 3 hours ago. Yeah. I guess there could be a lot of reasons why she didn’t give me her number.

Good work. Wait for her to respond. Give it a day and do other things. 

[Kwothe28]

39 minutes ago, junebug123 said:

She has my information if she wants to reach out.

But there is nothing for her to respond. I mean OK, if she really likes you she wont let conversation just die and will at least respond, but again, you should have at least ask something. Anything.

[junebug123]

28 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

But there is nothing for her to respond. I mean OK, if she really likes you she wont let conversation just die and will at least respond, but again, you should have at least ask something. Anything.

You know the saying you can bring a horse to water but you can’t force him to drink. She knows I like her, I told her explicitly and I reached out to her afterwards the very next day. 

It was already forward of me to find her number and message her. Simply acknowledging that I did this was me being polite and not overstepping my bounds.

If the roles were reversed and I purposely did not give my number to someone and then the next time I hear from them, they disregard that and just ask me out anyways, then I would have considered that person to be rude.

Everyone is different, I’m just being myself. If I can’t do that in the very beginning then it wouldn’t have mattered anyways.

Edit: Yeah. Depends on the person. If it was me, I would have said I had a nice time too. I guess next time I’ll think about what you said here and phrase my message differently so the person feels compelled to respond.

That just seems manipulative to me thou.

[junebug123]

Okay. Yeah. I just re-read what I wrote to her. Yeah, I guess it does seem off putting, not a lot of confidence there. Well, poop. 

Yeah, your right I need to work on my approach. Oh well. I don’t need to beat myself up about that anyways.

[Batya33]

I never texted when I was dating (no cell phone) but later in my dating life - in the late 90s and beyond -sometimes I got emails like that - someone who met me -but most typically it was "I enjoyed meeting you at ___ and I'd love to see you again - are you free [this weekend?]. There was always some sort of invitation or inquiry about getting together.  I would not have been too keen on the sort of "didn't know if I should contact you" - I wouldn't understand why that was being shared with me.  I never felt compelled to respond.

If there was no stated interest in seeing me again I might respond with "it was nice meeting you too" and see if he was going to suggest getting together in the next email . But if there was an inquiry and I was interested I'd probably respond sooner so we could see each other sooner.  

 

[boltnrun]

I have an ex who pops up every so often.  A few months ago he sent me a message on Facebook messenger that said "Hi there, hope you're doing good."  After I was done wondering why this guy crawled out of the woodwork I responded "Thanks, you too."  I mean, what was I supposed to say to that?  He didn't ask a question or make any kind of request.  I wasn't going to respond to a question he didn't ask.

A friend of mine met one of my coworkers and thought she was cute and fun.  So he asked for her number, called her and said "Hi, I'm S. I'm Boltnrun's friend. We met at your work the other day.  I'd like to take you out to dinner, are you free this Friday?"  And she said yes, she was and would love to go out with him.

See the difference?

Anyway, no big deal.  You didn't even know this woman existed a few days ago so she certainly can't ruin your life lol.  Just make a mental note for next time.

[Wiseman2]

Socialize with the group. Focus on friendliness and building rapport. If you exchange contact info, you can ask them out.

However don't play tonsil hockey in bars. They'll simply get the "ick factor" when they sober up.

Stay sober and respect others. Make friends, build rapport and then ask them out on a real date.