Family and Life Updates

[boltnrun]

Did a two mile walk yesterday evening. No opportunity to walk this evening so I kind of marched around my apartment and got in a half mile. I'll do another half mile right after work if it's not too hot in my apartment, or I can do it later in the evening. I figure one mile is better than zero miles.

Thank you, work from home job! I couldn't be marching around my office, I'd look like a doofus. And too hot that far inland to go for a lunchtime walk.

[boltnrun]

My brother. God bless him. We love each other dearly but also drive each other crazy. Summarized text conversation:

Him- hot water in my house is out. Think it's the pilot light out. Have a warranty on the water heater. Called service company and paid the service call fee. They said the soonest they can get here is next Tuesday. Bummed.  Me-sorry to hear that! I would think they'd consider no hot water to be an emergency. I've heard the gas company will come out to relight your pilot for you, maybe that's a possibility? Him -I already scheduled the appointment and paid the fee. I will try to get an appointment sooner but I am going to have the service company take care of it. Me-understood, hope they can make it sooner.

Several hours later...

Him-thanks for the suggestion. I called gas company, they will have someone out here tomorrow to relight the pilot. Me-.............(thinking inside my head "could have called hours ago and maybe could have had it fixed today...") Me to him - I'm glad they're going to take care of it tomorrow, that's good news.

He is very much the kind of person who doesn't like taking suggestions from others. Even if it's at a great inconvenience to him he will do things his way. I'm surprised he ended up calling the gas company but maybe his daughter who lives with him complained or told him she was going to go stay with her mom if he didn't get it fixed. 

He says he's not a control freak but rather a "control enthusiast". 

I'm sure I do things that drive him nuts too. But at the end of the day we're family and we love and support one another.

[boltnrun]

Today would have been my mother's 82nd birthday.

My mother and I had a difficult relationship. I understand that's not terribly unusual. I remember a line from the book The Thorn Birds..."what is a daughter but a reminder of all one used to be?"

She resented me and loved me. She put me down and praised me. She made me feel awful and made me feel strong. She taught me that I was inadequate and she taught me to stand on my own and be dependable and reliable. She made me feel stupid and she assured me I was intelligent. 

She's been gone for 29 years and I still think about her every day.

I'll see her when it's my time to go. That will be wonderful.

[Seraphim]

I am sorry you had a difficult time with your mom. I sometimes do too, she has “ control freakitis “ as I say. She gets stuck in her ways and understandings of things and wants to hold only me to impossible standards. 
 

Happy Birthday to your mom . Think when it is our time and we see them again it will be a better time. 

[boltnrun]

Well, guess what, more insomnia. 

I have tried to avoid asking my doctor for a sleep aid but I'm out of options. 

[reinventmyself]

On 9/16/2022 at 7:33 AM, boltnrun said:

"control enthusiast". 

I like that. .  I'll have to remember it 🙂

Happy heavenly birthday to your Mom.  Yep, not a day goes by. . .

[boltnrun]

New HR manager didn't know how to use PowerPoint in presentation mode or even how to advance to the next slide. She spoke for several minutes with herself on mute as well.

It's not bad that she didn't know how. It's that she apparently didn't tell anyone before the full staff meeting. The general manager, who was on camera, looked very exasperated. He had to walk over to her office twice during the meeting to show her how to do these very basic things. This caused the meeting to last longer than necessary. He seemed to have a hard time hiding his annoyance.

She also mispronounced a lot of employee names. She said "Abram" instead of "Abraham", for example.

Maybe it was just nerves. Or she's not good speaking in front of others, which is odd for an HR manager! 

I could offer to help show her how to work in PowerPoint but that might be rude.

[boltnrun]

Second time this week I signed into work in my pajamas and robe. I just CAN NOT SLEEP. Unless I dope myself up with Benadryl and Advil. I really dislike doing that. And I especially dislike depending on a pill to force me to sleep. I'd rather find the root cause.

Psych appointment is this afternoon. We will definitely be discussing this.

[Seraphim]

Did you ever feel unsafe to sleep in your past?

[boltnrun]

17 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Did you ever feel unsafe to sleep in your past?

Many, many years ago but that was resolved in my 20s. I'm usually an excellent sleeper.

Only thing I can possibly pinpoint is my cat is no longer with me. She's been gone since October. She was a bed hog but also so sweet and cuddly. If I woke up in the middle of the night I would just turn and pet her for a few minutes, she'd purr, and I'd go back to sleep.

I miss her.

[Seraphim]

Maybe get another cat? They feel like security. 

[boltnrun]

10 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

Maybe get another cat? They feel like security. 

I'm not ready yet. I get very attached so I feel like I need to wait a while. Plus I'm planning to move and it's so much easier to find a rental when you don't have pets. 

I do miss my silly little girl kitty.

[boltnrun]

I slept last night. Granted, it was because I took a Benadryl and an Advil but I was at the point of desperation. I was woken up at around just after midnight because the new highrise across the street had a power outage, so the emergency generator kicked on. And of course the generator is right outside my window and it is LOUD. But I got up, closed the windows, used the bathroom and thankfully fell back asleep. When my alarm went off I felt like I could have slept for another two hours. But I got about six solid hours of good sleep.

Sleep makes so much difference. I feel like I can function. I can get chores done and work and go for a walk. I had instant ramen for dinner last night because I didn't feel up to cooking, but I'm cooking fish tonight. 

Such a relief.

[Seraphim]

I think you need something to reset your body, even if for a few weeks . 

[boltnrun]

Calling the doctor tomorrow.

I slept a grand total of 4 hours last night.  I.Can.Not.Sleep.

[boltnrun]

Again, love my brother dearly but he always thinks I'm asking for advice when I tell him about something. So he gives me a lot of unhelpful suggestions. 

I told him about my insomnia. His "helpful" suggestion? I should stuff myself right before bed to send myself into a "food coma". I don't even know how to start telling him what an awful idea that is or why.

I know he cares and is trying to help. But I don't know how to tell him I'm not asking for advice. 

[boltnrun]

I called my doctor's office.

Here's what's happening as a result of my insomnia:

Exhausted constantly. Not eating because I'm too tired to grocery shop and when I do, I'm too tired to cook. I haven't eaten a meal since yesterday. Surviving on cheese and crackers. Making mistakes at work. Angry all the time. Shouting curse words even though I live alone. No energy to go on walks (which I NEED for mental and physical health). Afraid to drive because I'm so tired I can't focus.  Haven't cleaned my home even though I MUST have a spotless home. Haven't done laundry since last Friday. The ONLY positive thing is I'm too tired to follow my anxiety-driven Covid protocols so I'm just doing whatever. 

They're supposed to call me back tomorrow. And if the doctor decides he wants to, he may make me schedule an appointment before he prescribes anything. God, I hope they don't do that to me. I just had a complete physical a month ago.

[boltnrun]

And I know it's not fair or nice but I get REALLY annoyed when people ask "well, have you tried this or that or the other thing?" And I want to respond "No, I just enjoy dealing with sleep deprivation related psychosis!" Of course I've tried multiple things, and they all have the same result. Zero or grossly inadequate sleep.

I know I'm cranky. That's why I need this to end.

[boltnrun]

*My insomnia is not due to excessive caffeine. I drink ONE cup of tea each day at 6:30 am and that's it.

*It's not due to excessive sugar. I cut out sugar in the afternoon and evening.

*It's not due to sleeping too much on the weekend. I'm just as insomniac on the weekend as I am during the week.

*It's not due to job anxiety. I absolutely love my job and am grateful to be lucky enough to have this job.

*I'm not worried about money or bills. I'm earning a good living and have more savings now than I've had in years.

*I don't use drugs and seldom drink.

*I keep myself well hydrated.

*I haven't added, changed or stopped any medication.

The ONLY things that are new are, the extreme heat causes me to have to keep my windows open. I live in a very busy neighborhood where there's noise 24/7. It's much less bothersome when the windows are closed. And, I lost my kitty almost a year ago (wow, already??). Whenever I woke up before I'd just talk to her a bit and pet her. She'd purr and I'd go back to sleep.

I am trying to move to a quieter neighborhood. I can't get a new kitty because most places don't allow pets. So hopefully the quiet and some meds will fix this problem. Because I'm borderline psychotic. Google sleep deprivation psychosis, it's a real thing.

Forgot to add...I've tried melatonin (agitates me), ZQuil (same), chamomile tea (ineffective), a warm or cool shower (I feel nice & clean but it doesn't make me sleep), and I can't use "PM" painkillers because they're contraindicated for people with my medical conditions. I can't use CBD because I'm on thyroid meds. And I won't smoke pot.

And... that is why I'm desperate for a script. Please.

[boltnrun]

I took one of my mild tranquilizers plus an Advil last night. I fell asleep but woke up at 2 am. That's how strong my insomnia is, that it can even break through a tranquilizer. Then after about an hour I fell back asleep, but then was woken up by a man standing right outside my window coughing and coughing at 4:30. For about half an hour. I finally got up and closed the windows. I don't need some guy spreading his Covid through my window and inside my apartment. He looked up and saw me but I didn't care. Then of course I couldn't fall back asleep.

Probably got a total of about five hours. Better than the night before but not great.

Hoping for a script from the doctor today.

[boltnrun]

This one engineer assigns me tasks, then EVERY SINGLE TIME sends me a separate email asking if I can complete the task. Like I need him to tell me I'm supposed to do my job.

I complete my tasks EVERY TIME. I don't need him to harass me. I'm not the previous guy, who would disappear for hours every day.

Jeez...

BTW, my doctor thinks I want meds so I can get high. She's making me come back in for an appointment even though I was literally just in there for a complete physical. I think she wants to smell my breath and look for signs I'm on crack or for tracks on my arms or something.

Never mind. I'll take care of it myself.

[boltnrun]

It's almost 3 am and I've only slept an hour. I have to be up at 6 for work. I'm cursing my doctor for thinking I'm just trying to get high and refusing to prescribe sleeping medication. Let her go without sleep for four months and see how she feels.

[boltnrun]

Still awake an hour later. I don't understand how someone can be this exhausted and still be unable to sleep.

I have a big project for work and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to focus.

So angry at my doctor for presuming I just want drugs to get high.

[boltnrun]

I gave up and got up. I'm not going to sleep so why bother trying.

I understand why Michael Jackson was doing what he did. Being completely unable to sleep is so upsetting.

[Seraphim]

I am so upset for you that your doctor won’t do anything. Can you get a different doctor?